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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can some things break a person?

221 replies

Chloe9 · 04/07/2019 15:29

You hear people say things like "she was never the same after they got divorced" or "he was never quite right after that heart attack"
I'm afraid that I have survived something that was just too much for me and that I can't seem to get back from

AIBU to think that some things are just too big for some people to deal with and change them forever?

When you survive something everybody says how strong you are. But what if your not that strong? What if you survive something that was just too big? What if the personal cost was too great?

Or is everything fixable with time, counselling etc.? AIBU to think that some things can break a person forever?

OP posts:
ladybird69 · 05/07/2019 01:36

I totally believe that a person can be broken. I was broken in 2011 and I will never be ‘fixed’ despite time, counselling and meds. My hearts still beating but I died that day.

springydaff · 05/07/2019 01:43

Bloody hell echt. That's a traumatising article!

pinkelephantsanddietcoke · 05/07/2019 01:59

Yip I'm definitely a 'broken person'.
Lost my son 10 years ago (wasn't careless he died) and I can honestly say I'm a totally different person now. Hugs to everyone going through anything shitty x

ProteinshakesandAntonsAss · 05/07/2019 02:04

And quite simply I was trying to support OP by telling her that she's not broken. That what she's feeling is normal and ok.

What about being broken isnt normal and not ok?

She feels broken. Many of us do. That's not abnormal and it's not wrong.

echt · 05/07/2019 02:16

Bloody hell echt. That's a traumatising article!

I agree it's strong stuff, particularly the bear bits. I think part of the article's challenge is the detail of physical trauma that absolutely has to be described to make the point, but needs a strong stomach to read, to be sure.

Oddly, reading of physical trauma doesn't bother me, but if someone tells me verbally about an injury, or I see it happen, my stomach clenches. I can date it precisely from the time I saw DD trip and hit a wall, making her tooth pierce her lip. The stomach clenched and always after that.

justilou1 · 05/07/2019 02:49

I am broken and I am functioning. Some days better than others. I am certainly not an entire person anymore. Occasionally I will find myself in a moment and recognize that it is not being intruded upon by the experience that broke me. Then that recognition fucks it up again. I realize that the reactions of others to my experience broke me more and again, and I want to shut right down, but I can’t because I have kids who need me, and I have to rebuild myself just like that beautiful pot. Unfortunately, unlike the pot, I can’t see how the experience that broke me can add value and beauty to my life....

crispysausagerolls · 05/07/2019 06:05

Yes yes I'm broken husband and toddler died within a year

This sentence knocked the wind out of me. I don’t know how you get through the day, I don’t know how many people on this thread do. You are all so incredibly brave and some of you are enduring things that humans just shouldn’t have to go through; ever. Even if you are broken or changed or whatever you feel like; you are doing better than most ever could by still being here.

ContessaLovesTheSunshine · 05/07/2019 06:20

I do think it's possible to be broken, yes. But people do get back up over time, albeit not in the state they started in, and there can be joy again.

My parents lost a child in an accident when I was 6, and I saw it happen. It irrevocably changed all of us, as you'd expect; they mourned him internally forever, and I had had a first-hand warning that life can be extinguished at the drop of a hat (hard to process when you're 6).

But they kept going, and had another child, and laughed (genuinely, I think), and lived. It wasn't the same (none of us were), but we kept going. The Lovely Bones (book not film) had a lot to say about how people cope with tragedy and knit back together afterwards.

I know it's not directly relevant to your situation but I wanted to make the point that people are astonishingly resilient, even if they don't realise it at the time. Things change us, but that doesn't make us broken. Maybe Ariel has it:

Nothing of him that doth fade,
 But doth suffer a sea-change
 Into something rich and strange.....

Hugs OP Flowers

FrumpyKnickers · 05/07/2019 06:30

Yes definatelyvpeople can be broken and never quite be the same again. From the ourside you seem fine but nobody knows whats going on inside I dont think I could say it was strenght just having to get on with things.

blackcat86 · 05/07/2019 06:33

An event can absolutely just be too much for one person and it can also shine a light on things that just can't be unseen. I had a traumatic birth, nearly losing DD due to hospital negligence. I was treated horribly and some of the things that 'friends' and family said and did were awful. Through therapy I have seen that it wasnt the fault of this incident. Those people were always selfish, arseholes etc they were just playing their parts in a situation where I was more vulnerable. I'd been told that being a good wife, daughter, DIL meant being a caretaker and taking everyone else's shit. Well I decided I was done and that is a change that I cant take back. I will have my learning from this experience and it has somewhat darkened my view of the world. Now I know what the only important people are myself and DD. I'm a little more selfish, a little more ruthless, a little more pushy. Maybe through therapy and litigation I'll find acceptance. Who knows.

smoothy · 05/07/2019 06:47

You’re all so brave Flowers

It’s nearly 5 years since what happened (which I know will sound piddly but that’s nearly a quarter of my lifespan) and honestly it did destroy me. It was, to me, unsurvivable but I was forced to survive it anyway. And no one cared - not then, not now. Not one person in the world gives a shit about me. When it happened I was gone for a long time and no one gave a shit. I’ve tried so hard and been so good and kind but I am not worth anything to anyone.

I’ve seen so many therapists and counsellors and derived no benefit whatsoever despite my best efforts. I’ve been really trying to get on with life and better myself but it’s not working. I had to use up all my resilience when it happened, so there’s nothing left now.

AnnaNimmity · 05/07/2019 06:47

I don't know OP. I was pretty broken this time last year. Complete breakdown, diagnosed wtih C-PTSD. Had to take 6 months off work. Lost shed loads of weight.

I feel guilty because it wasn't a death or illness, just horrendous (just!) abuse from more than one person. It all peaked last year and ended in violence. I had flashbacks, nightmares, insomnia the lot

Anyway I'm much better now - in fact in a much better place in lots of ways. But I'm still so sad alot of the time, angry, tired. It feels like it hangs over me all the time.

I talked to my therapist about it, and she says it's grief. I'm assuming that the sadness reduces, the happy times get more frequent, and the memories fade. And when I look back to how I was, I'm alot better now. I can go places that I couldn't before at least.

I'm sorry you're going through this OP. I have to believe that we grow stronger and learn from these experiences.

MyGastIsFlabbered · 05/07/2019 07:02

I was broken, probably 30 years ago. I have EUPD and CPTSD because of trauma I suffered as a teenager. After years of misdiagnoses, therapy, a lot of meds I'm finally at a stage where I can recognise myself as 'kintsugi'. It's not been easy. I've been unwell for so long, and since my teens I have no concept of what I'd have been like if the trauma hadn't occurred. I hope you find some closure on whatever happened to you OP, and that everyone who's struggling finds some peace Thanks

Theyroamoverhere · 05/07/2019 07:07

Google 'japanese bowls'-theres a song on you tube
I dont think it breaks you, no matter what. The human soul is strong. I thought like you 5 years ago, it really was horrific. But you're still in there, underneath, and eventually, you will come out one bit at a time. But it takes a lot of time x

IntoValhalla · 05/07/2019 07:12

100%.
I never had any sort of mental health struggles in my life. Then I went through weeks of doctors telling me there was nothing wrong with my baby and the constant screaming was normal. I began seriously losing the plot at that point because I knew something was wrong and no one would listen.
Then came the clincher: my baby went into anaphylactic shock and cardiac arrest, resulting in him being resuscitated right in front of me.
It shattered my mental health into a million pieces and I will never ever get over it. I’m pretty sure I will never be fully “ok” again. I live in a constant state of alertness, terrified that my son will come into contact with his allergens and the same thing will happen again. I

Lola999 · 05/07/2019 13:10

Smoothy... I don't know you but you've echoed my thoughts completely. People don't really care. They do for 5 minutes and then lose interest when you're not "fixed" quickly.
Again I don't know you but I Do give a shit about you and wish all the warmness and light in the world x

TantricTwist · 05/07/2019 13:13

call the Samaritans they are really good to talk to about anything that's making you feel down

You do not have to be suicidal to talk to them, they are very helpful and understanding.

springydaff · 05/07/2019 13:41

Not always Tantric

I'm at the stage where talking about it makes me feel worse. For now it's survival mode. Day at a time.

Ihatehashtags · 05/07/2019 14:11

It sounds like you are depressed and need medication. Possibly for years. I felt broken after my sons death. I think it took me nearly four years to feel okayish again. I’m still not the same but I do have happy times again.

Original poster
Chloe9 · 05/07/2019 15:31

So after reading this thread I've decided to treat myself as a new person. Chloe part 2. I've been listening to music and working out what is working for the new me. I've decided to stop trying to fit my recovery to what I think it should look like and just try and find a way to muddle through.

I don't think I'm depressed, trauma feels different. One minute I'm heart broken, the next I'm angry, then I'm scared, or sad. Im defeated, then I'm hopeful, then I'm defeated all over again. It's not melancholic. It's not a black hole to tame it's trying to rebuild my whole life after a storm, a fire, whatever.

OP posts:
Asta19 · 05/07/2019 16:30

I've decided to stop trying to fit my recovery to what I think it should look like and just try and find a way to muddle through

I think you are 100% right. That is absolutely the best way to deal with things. Flowers

AnnaNimmity · 05/07/2019 16:39

@Chloe9 I feel like you do too - I don't think it's depression - but it can vary from day to day or even hour to hour. I have done some reading and this is normal.

I suppose it is a journey and I have to believe that things get better even if you are a different person to the person you were before.

I'm having a good day today - sitting in my lovely clean home (working from home, ahem) and feeling very positive. Good luck x

Theyroamoverhere · 05/07/2019 17:12

Love your past post op xx

smoothy · 05/07/2019 18:09

@Lola999 thank you lovely - wishing you all the best things also Flowers

Di11y · 05/07/2019 18:14

Just want to mention emdr therapy, it helped my dh with PTSD massively. he went private at £100 a session but only needed 6 so not too crazy money if you can spare it.

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