Can some things break a person?

[Chloe9]

You hear people say things like "she was never the same after they got divorced" or "he was never quite right after that heart attack"
I'm afraid that I have survived something that was just too much for me and that I can't seem to get back from

AIBU to think that some things are just too big for some people to deal with and change them forever?

When you survive something everybody says how strong you are. But what if your not that strong? What if you survive something that was just too big? What if the personal cost was too great?

Or is everything fixable with time, counselling etc.? AIBU to think that some things can break a person forever?

I had a near death experience.

I just can’t.

Some really sad posts here

to Chloe and everyone else.

I'm not sure about broken, but irretrievably cracked and fragile after 7 years of multiple traumas. Any small thing affects me disproportionately, in a bad way. I will never be the same. I've changed more than most of my friends and family and relationships feel strange now

The Lovely Bones

Oh God, one of few books that provoked raw emotion in me. Had forgotten about it, I think I'll go back and re-read. Didn't much like the film tbh.

Yes, if you let them.

There is a line in a Leonard Cohen song that I find both comforting and true.

"There is a crack, a crack, in everything
That's how the light gets in".

Yep. Some things can break a person. I have lived through some awful tragedies that if my life was made into a film, it would be completely unbelievable. I am an upbeat positive person and very resilient. I have rebuilt my life a couple of times and on the surface everything looks fine. But I am completely broken inside.

My most hated expression is 'Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger". That is utter, utter shit.

I thought I was broken after a series of traumatic deaths. I had a breakdown, hospitalised and really believed I would never recover. Over the next few years I tried everything from CBT to EDMR to diet etc etc. I am now content. I felt so broken previously that I made a decision to not have children as any thing happening to them would not be survivable . I now believe in healing. I sometimes think of how people survive multiple trauma and read a lot of personal accounts. Humans are amazing and I don't think I'll lose hope again. I got free therapy onNHS which helped a lot. Everything/anything is worth trying. Good luck op.

I got diagnosed with a life limiting illness at 18 and told i had 2 years to live literally out of the blue. I thought i was handling things ok but once those 2 years had been and gone i was an anxious wreck i got to my mid 20's and was a complete shell. I tried counselling unfortunately it wasn't for me it didn't help. I was eventually diagnosed with PTSD and offered cognitive thinking therapy and honestly it was the best think i did it changed my life. I'm now 31 & have control of my life back. Good luck OP i hope things get better for you

Yes, I've been broken. I am still a little bit.

My twin baby died and my husband was rediagnosed with cancer in the same year.

I'm still a bit broken but there are easier days and when the days are harder I remind myself that tomorrow might be an easier one. Strangely I am grateful for my experiences, it has made life much, much harder but more real. I fully experience everything.

For me, trauma, in particular death lifts a veil on life. I see things as they truly are - there is no one 'up there' looking out for you, wishful thinking is bollocks - but what there is is love and human kindness and so much beauty. I try to be mindful to enjoy every moment. In loss is the ability to touch the core of who we are, to appreciate the poignancy of life.

I wouldn't want to go back to where I was before my trauma.

If you let it, Merlot? You make it sound like you can reason your way out of pain.

Perhaps it's the Merlot that makes sure you don't feel the pain. Which is a 'solution' of sorts, very commonplace.

I believe that after a big event, you will never be the same person again, but with a little help from either a good friend, close releative or by going for counselling you can find who you are now.
You are strong to have gotten through what you did, it is just that you used it all in the fight at the time and are now empty.

@Chloe9, I think you're doing exactly the right thing. Plenty of hugs to you and all the other denizens of this thread.

My situation is nothing compared to the people here, but I made a choice to break away and leave my home country rather than continue in some horrendously toxic and damaging situations, and now I'm alone with the after-effects. I'll never be "normal" and will always be a bit broken. I try to parent myself really hard through the more challenging days (including praising myself for things like eating proper meals and doing household tasks), indulge myself as much as possible in the things that make me feel happy and enthusiastic, and seek human contact where I can find it as well as using every social media channel I can to keep in touch with friends. It's frustrating to be working so hard to do basic stuff every single day, and it's hurtful sometimes when even well-meaning friends decide I'm on an exciting adventure and doing some kind of inspirational life-journey shit rather than basically learning to be a whole and functional person and STILL being paralysed by anxiety and sadness sometimes. But, like you, I'm becoming convinced that the whole key is not to internalise any expectations about how this process should go. I hope your process goes as well as it possibly can and that you'll talk here any time you need to.

I was Widowed 4 years ago and I’m now in a wheelchair. I was diagnosed with PTSD after and I’ve had some therapy to try to help.
I take antidepressants and I don’t know if or when I should try to come off them. Because I don’t know what ‘normal’ is for me anymore.
I’m different, but am I broken? I can’t be can I? Because I’m still here. So are you, @Chloe9 keep plodding on, you may feel a tiny bit better every day. 💐
people always say ‘be kind to yourself’ which sounds like a meaningless cliche but actually it means do whatever the hell you like and take absolutely no notice of anyone else’s opinions of what you do or don’t do!

Not rtft but yes of course

Extreme abuse in childhood for eg causes permanent brain damage

Not that those people can't go on to lead happy lives but they won't be who they would have been, iyswim.

Women who have been in the sex industry with ptsd are in a terrible, also veterans of war fighters often, and more often civilians.

Broken is a shit term but certainly some peopls aren't able to come back from things as they're so bad.

I have no idea how I’m still going after something that happened to me this year. I remember sitting on the toilet (sorry...TMI) when it was at its worst, being mystified that I could be doing something as ‘normal’ as peeing when surely the world should’ve stopped?

I have good days and bad but the good outweighs the bad this week which is good. I have had to really make the effort to move forward for the sake of my kids. There have definitely been days when I felt like I couldn’t carry on but I just pushed through them all.

I hope you can find the strength to do the same, OP.

Meant to add, one of the things that keeps me going is looking forward to feeling better. If I can’t feel better today, I can certainly look forward to the day I do. It gives me a bit of hope.

Yes I believe some things in life can break a person.
When my dd was murdered my life changed forever that fateful day. Nothing will ever be the same for me.
I was 7mths pregnant with dd2 at the time, that is the only reason I am still here.
It's true that life goes on, it does but there is something missing.
I'm completely changed as a person. Looking at photos from the past I feel I have really aged in the last 4 yrs.

After counselling I've tried my best to be positive and try to look forward. There will always be a part of me that is broken.
Hope your ok .

Yes, if you let them.

Oh, I wish it was so simple. Go read "Childhood Disrupted" by Donna Jackson Nazakawa and "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward. You might want to read "Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them" by Susan Forward too. I will wait while you do so, and hope your eyes are opened. Your one-liner is deeply offensive

Extreme abuse in childhood for eg causes permanent brain damage

Yes, along with predisposition to depression, anxiety, autoimmune conditions, heart disease, cancer, chronic fatigue, chronic pain, lifelong loss of self-esteem, self-worth and poor ability to form boundaries.

I'm very upset reading everyone's stories, sending much love 💕

Hang on a minute folks. I'm not going to accept broken as a death sentence. I say that as someone who has had cancer.

I'm not entirely washed up. I may be firing on about 5-10% on a good day but I'm not extinct. I may not be the person I would have been had I been born into nirvana - but who is? We've all been distorted by life events, some worse than others. I may not be the all-singing all-dancing person I was clearly born to be but I've still got a lot to give - not least bcs I know what it is to be broken. We pay an impossibly high price for it but it's priceless.

Obviously I'd have preferred to learn things intellectually rather than actually - and I've certainly gone to great lengths to avoid the pain eg addiction. I don't know about others but if, when I'm in extremis, I'm faced with someone who has read all the books and got the qualifications but hasn't actually experienced coming to the end of themselves then they ring a bit hollow to me. I can find them insulting and, by definition, patronising; regardless how well meant. I'd rather face someone who knows what it's like. That's beyond words, priceless.

I don't know about others but if, when I'm in extremis, I'm faced with someone who has read all the books and got the qualifications but hasn't actually experienced coming to the end of themselves then they ring a bit hollow to me. I can find them insulting and, by definition, patronising; regardless how well meant. I'd rather face someone who knows what it's like. That's beyond words, priceless.

Brilliant point, entirely agree.

Yes the loss of my husband has broke me. But when something’s broke you try to fix, even if it’s not the same as before.

springydaff thank you for what you wrote.

Talking about it makes it worse for me too, to the point I often can't handle it afterwards.

I've felt a lot of guilt about that, as you often feel like you should be talking about things to make progress. But it utterly does NOT cause progress for me (in fact the opposite) and it's a relief to see someone else say that. Was sick of trying and trying with horrible results and going backwards.

People maybe need different things to attempt to heal or move forward. I know I do.

Yeah @springydaff that is really true

Some sad stories on this thread. My heart goes out to you all.

I believe we are all broken to a certain extent. No-one escapes pain, hurt, rejection, betrayal. Some are definitely dealt a bad hand.

One of my worst life experiences was being dropped by my best friend in secondary school. We did everything together and she found a new bunch of friends and dropped me. I have never felt such pain since. I went to school feeling physically sick and my stomach churned. As a teenager I did not have the emotional intelligence to deal with such trauma. I felt embarrassed and ashamed to tell my parents. 30 years later and I still remember the shock and pain.