Can some things break a person?

[Chloe9]

You hear people say things like "she was never the same after they got divorced" or "he was never quite right after that heart attack"
I'm afraid that I have survived something that was just too much for me and that I can't seem to get back from

AIBU to think that some things are just too big for some people to deal with and change them forever?

When you survive something everybody says how strong you are. But what if your not that strong? What if you survive something that was just too big? What if the personal cost was too great?

Or is everything fixable with time, counselling etc.? AIBU to think that some things can break a person forever?

Love this thread. Thank you all

Yes. I am broken. Finally. I think I have reached the end of the road. My road. My life. Is there any hope anymore? I am not sure I can go on.

I know 2 families affected by suicides. In each case the families never recovered and it lead to early deaths of other family members.

Just want to mention emdr therapy, it helped my dh with PTSD massively. he went private at £100 a session but only needed 6 so not too crazy money if you can spare it.

Was coming on to say this. £50 a week, I’m so surprised that sometimes I see if I can conjure up the feeling of fear in some memories but it’s not there.

Sally one if my traumatic events was parental death from suicide. My family recovered in that we are all alive. Difficult journey though.

Haven’t RTWT but agree with pps that you can be broken but it is possible to come back from that & sometimes be stronger. A couple of years ago I don’t think I could have sunk much lower & tbh, when I look back I really don’t know how I functioned. Some days it took all my strength to try & hold things together for DD. My marriage could easily have ended then & in fact at several points during the previous 15 years but it didn’t & now I am so glad I didn’t quit. It all seems like a bad dream now. I am way way stronger than I thought I was & the absolutely horrific situation taught me so many other things about grief, love, communication & healing. I have had counselling & want to go for some more ( this time for other rubbish stuff to do with my upbringing) but I am ok. More than ok. I wish that for you OP 💐

I'm really glad I started this thread. So many people relating and relatable. Honestly it sometimes feels like I've just been through so much shit that other people just don't get it. But of course that's nonsense we all have our burdens to bare.

Interesting about the "second arrow" and I will get hold of a copy of the body keeps the score.

I had my first child unaware of the extent that my previous trauma had effected me. I was not ptsd diagnosed at that point so when I first knew that pure love and joy that a child brings before I had known the full extent of the darkness. Unfortunately a lot of trauma happened during that period and since. Sometimes I think my kids would have been better off with a different mother, one who didn't go to the dark place, but then if that was the case they would not be my children. They are the product of me and I am the product of my experiences, good and bad. I hope I can be a wise and positive influence on their lives some day. In the mean time I will just get the stuff done. Hopefully there will be some fun along the way. They motivate me to keep on keeping on.

@Bumper1969 I'm so sorry to hear that.

I want to say another word in favour of EMDR. It really is effective trauma therapy. Oversharing here, in the hope that it may help you.

I was a cPTSD sufferer too. The c's (and there were a lot of them) harked right back to my childhood. I had no recognition that I was traumatized until a major trigger happened, after which my physical health began to fall apart. The symptoms were truly terrifying, in particular the severe short-term memory loss that led me to think I was starting to suffer from early-onset dementia. I also didn't know that the overwhelming feelings I had of being submerged were actually the experience of flashbacks. It took the emergence of the #MeToo hashtag to make me realize I was getting sick in response to very specific triggers. And that's when the penny dropped as to what was truly wrong.

I had 18 months' intensive EMDR therapy, and although it's early days I now believe I'm recovered. Unlike with CBT, I don't have to constantly keep employing techniques to deal with my issues: EMDR works on its own. And while no form of psychotherapy can completely remove the memories, EMDR, if done properly, does strip the emotion away from them and enables an objectivity and clarity of vision I never even knew was possible. My attitudes to life, and people, underwent a radical change. I would have scoffed at the idea that I was ever a people-pleaser, being the unconservative type of person that I am, but therapy taught me that I was, and how not to be.

I know myself better than I ever have, and for the first time in my life now truly value myself. I don't internalize other people's shit, and it's been the most liberating experience imaginable. I didn't recover overnight. But although it's early days yet, I really believe that I have. I'm a different 'me'. But that is no bad thing.

And so will you. It sounds impossible now but you must keep believing that. If it's possible for me, when I was in the mess I was, then it's possible for you. You don't have to accept that this is your life forever. One day you'll smile again.

Is EMDR available on the NHS?

I expect so Bunny - 25 year waiting list probably.

They're on this in the states. They treat mental/emotional health the same as physical health. Not so the brits.

This thread had really spoken to me.
It's both reassuring and devastating to read what others have been through on their journeys.
"I'll never be the person I should have been." I can't remember which poster wrote this but I think it will haunt me.

I was seriously consider starting my own thread today, asking for advice about dealing with things many years later. I had a very traumatic year when I was 17. I should have cracked then, but I didn't. Due to overbearing parents, an emotionally abusive boyfriend and the fact that one of the biggest traumatic events had to be kept secret by necessity, I just kept on going. There was no choice.

Then came another traumatic event... and I wasn't allowed to break because I wasn't at the centre. My beloved uncle who died was not my dad, not my brother, not my son. So I had to keep going for others, who were allowed to grieve.

Life went on, and there was lots of good. But every time it goes well something else comes along and smacks us all in the face.

I wonder who I would be today if I'd been allowed to break down when I needed to? Would I be better or worse? Who can say?

But I'm not the person I set out to be. I'm not strong or resilient any more.

Life goes on, though. And it brings joy. I'm working on myself and I'm giving what I can, as you all are.

I think EMDR is available on the NHS.

I'm having it at the moment and it seems to be helping - like a previous poster said, it takes that instant rush of emotion out of things. That's helped me to stop obsessing as well - the traumas aren't the only thing I think about anymore. And when I do, it is with some perspective, rather than just a horrendous bodily response.

I pay £45 an hour.

@Ineedhelptocope

It may not feel like it but there is hope, I promise. I have been where you are too.

I found this poem today in some coursework I am doing - it's for you, I hope you like it! It gives me some comfort x

"You will lose everything.
Your money, your power, your fame, your success, perhaps even your memory.
Your looks will go.
Loved ones will die.
Your own body will eventually fall apart.
Everything that seems permanent is absolutely impermanent and will be smashed.
Experience will gradually, or not so gradually, strip away everything that it can strip away.
Waking up means facing this reality with open eyes and no longer turning away.
Right now, we stand on sacred and holy ground.
For that which will be lost has not yet been lost, and realising this is the key to unspeakable joy.
Whoever or whatever is in your life right now has not yet been taken away from you.
This may sound obvious but really knowing it is the key to everything, the why and how and wherefore of existence.
Impermanence has already rendered everything and everyone around you so deeply holy and significant and worthy of your heartbreaking gratitude.
Loss has already transfigured your life into an altar.”

• Jeff Foster

Sorry for whatever has happened.

I think different people react differently. A family member lost a young child in traumatic circumstances, she is a very strong person, but has lived with that pain every day and those of us who know her well see glimpses of it at times.

I wouldn't say things break people. But they change them, it's sad, but it is the human experience.

I don't mean I love the fact that so many are suffering on this thread! But it is a great solace to know I'm not the only broken one, even if I'm very sad others are suffering too. I am just very grateful for this thread.

I bridle a bit at the idea that people reacte differently, as if we have a choice (re the wretched bear story). It's bad enough to be beyond what you can endure without being judged for it, for how you're handling it. I really mind that. Not least because the suffering is so personal.

I do so loathe dislike the 'strong' narrative that everyone aspires to. Sometimes it's strong to be weak, takes a lot of strength.

Is EMDR available on the NHS?

It is. You need referring to your local mental health team, for assessment. They can then put you forward for EMDR, waiting lists determinant on your area.

• I don't mean I love the fact that so many are suffering on this thread! But it is a great solace to know I'm not the only broken one, even if I'm very sad others are suffering too. I am just very grateful for this thread.

I bridle a bit at the idea that people reacte differently, as if we have a choice (re the wretched bear story). It's bad enough to be beyond what you can endure without being judged for it, for how you're handling it. I really mind that. Not least because the suffering is so personal.

I do so loathe dislike the 'strong' narrative that everyone aspires to. Sometimes it's strong to be weak, takes a lot of strength.*

Brilliant words, brilliant @springydaff , wholeheartedly agree. (And with your other posts).

I've shared this on the Stately Homes Threads, there are numerous studies, dating back a few decades now, that relate Adverse Childhood Experiences to various conditions in adulthood - predisposition to depression, anxiety, autoimmune conditions, heart disease, cancer, chronic fatigue, chronic pain and more.

The book "Childhood Disrupted" by Donna Jackson Nazakawa contains case studies into these ACEs, and the studies, and you can determine your own ACE score, and read more about them here: acestoohigh.com/got-your-ace-score/

It's extremely eye-opening.

Not read all the posts, however to answer the question; yes and no. I think its very, very individual. What's damaging to one could be a cake walk for another. It's also hard for people who havent been in a similar situation to fully grasp what's going on in the other, so when speaking to someone who's gone through shit, you may not get an entirely hone st answer. For example, I spent amost three decades being abused and bullied by my 'mother' (term used lightly). My dh always seems surprised when I bring something up after a while, as he assumes that because I haven't mentioned it, it's all sorted. Thoughts still go around in my head, I just don't verbalize them and he isn't a mind reader
I never had success from counselling, I 'fixed' myself. I know other people benefit enormously from counselling. Again, it's a personal thing.

This thread has really touched me , I'm so sad to read of so many of you who have had such traumatic things happen. I too feel I have been broken and still some days just managing to put one foot in front of the other and getting through from one hour to the next. I lost my mum suddenly ten years ago and felt guilty like I could have prevented it. We subsequently lost both in-laws suddenly within the next few years. I have carried on for my kids and my dogs but sometimes feel it would have been easier to give up. My son saw one of his friends run down and killed in front of him last year and he seems to pretty much function ok but I worry it has changed him and will suddenly hit him at some point. He has been through the deaths of 3 grand parents suddenly and now his friend in the space of ten years.