Can some things break a person?

[Chloe9]

You hear people say things like "she was never the same after they got divorced" or "he was never quite right after that heart attack"
I'm afraid that I have survived something that was just too much for me and that I can't seem to get back from

AIBU to think that some things are just too big for some people to deal with and change them forever?

When you survive something everybody says how strong you are. But what if your not that strong? What if you survive something that was just too big? What if the personal cost was too great?

Or is everything fixable with time, counselling etc.? AIBU to think that some things can break a person forever?

Talking /counselling can retraumatise.

As if it wasn't bad enough the first time!

This is a sobering thread and a reminder that you never know what sadness and tragedy people are carrying. So be kind in life, smile at people even if they are scowling and if you can, reach out a hand to help or to steady their way. The world has never been so tumultuous, divisive and stained with hate....we need more empathy and kindness, folks.

@Punkatheart
You are So right!

EMDR. Please try it. It’s a game changer for PTSD. I had talking therapy and CBT; which dealt with a lot of the crap; but the flashbacks and panic attacks only went with EMDR.

I have a kintsugi bowl; it brings me great comfort. I don’t think of myself as broken by my traumatic experiences... changed, shaped, maybe even scarred, but not broken anymore.

I have been looking into private EMDR and trying to find some joy each day. I'm also trying to be gentler with myself. To not think I've failed constantly, or that this dark place is where I'm always going to be. I'm angry and sad and hurting. But there are moments of happiness that break through every now and then. I'm tired, I'm so worn down, it certainly feels like "breaking" but I always get back up. I always have done before even if it's on bambi legs and my voice shakes and my heart hurts.

I know I am a resilient person really, I believe we all can survive much more than we think. But it just pisses me off that i have to. And that other people have to. It makes me so angry honestly. I want to be kind and gentle and loving, but sometimes I'm just so pissed off at the universe. At all this pointless pain and suffering. I really wish I could have faith in the process but it's hard sometimes. It feels so all consuming and overwhelming and I try fo improve things and just get retraumatised over and over.

I wish I could have faith in something too. I’m angry and resentful and lost. (Just realized that makes me sound religious, but that’s not at all what I meant... I’m about as far from that as you can get!) This whole thing has isolated me from everyone. I have shut-down internally.

Hugs, everyone
It’s hard, isn’t it?
The body keeps the score is a book that trully changed my life. I never actually clocked the link between mental and physical trauma. It’s actually that day that I began loving myself, until then it was all empiric.

Yes, I’ve been broken, many a times.
The first instinct in to shelter yourself away, in an attempt to protect yourself. I got really good at that, I built a whole tower. I put things into boxes, in an attempt to put some order in my life/head/heart.
Eventually they all come toppling down.
I’ve learnt it’s best to ‘deal’ with them. They’re out of my control, I notice them, acknowledge them and then go back to the things and actions that help heal me.

I have found a few things that help me heal.
One is exercise. I swim and run and do pilates.
One is mindfulness.
One is giving, accepting, loving.

30 years of my life I stayed strong, showed no vulnerability. I plan to show as much vulnerability as I can for the next 30.

I've had two separate things that have changed me forever. You never quite get over them, but you relearn how to function and live your life. You'll view your life as before xxx and then after xxx, but you can adjust and you can cope and in the end you'll realise that although there are bumps in the road you are enjoying life again.

O op lovely words. That dark dank lonely place seems relentless. Sometimes we need to shut ourselves away and feel safe. It's horrific and unfair and can be hopeless. But I know from experience that life can creak again. I think too that others belief in ourselves can keep us going. When every breath is painful keep breathing. Love to everyone on this thread. We're still here, and life force is phenomenal. Xxxc

I think it very much depends on the resilience an individual has and the support around them when the terrible thing happens
Resilience appears to be something that doesn't much change through the years though I may be wrong here.
I also think we are all a product of every single experience we have had in our lives. So, in effect, that bad thing will always change us but not necessarily break us.
I had what I consider to be the worst thing possible happen some years ago. I'm changed forever from the person I was before. However, I can still function, still form loving relationships but much less so than before. I don't consider myself broken but maybe cracked

I listened to a lot of Tara Brach when I was suffering. I still do listen to her podcasts occasionally.

She says many wise things but one thing may be relevant to what you say Chloe - she talks about the first arrow being the wound inflicted on you (or trauma) and the second being the one you inflict on yourself when you blame yourself for not coping as you think you should.

There is always a lot of second arrowing when we think we should be recovering faster, being more resilient, coping better - when actually just getting through the day is a big achievement. Be gentle on yourself

I also found The Body Keeps the Score, which someone has referenced upthread, very useful.

Can someone answere this,why do people who know life's suffering have children?

I believe that in the short term (which is relative it can be years ) people can be broken but i truly believe in the majority of cases it eventually morphs into being changed and different.

Trauma changes us as a person but honestly I believe you take a step forward every time you wake up and get out of bed because it's a choice to keep going when you do that ...hell even if it's at 3pm.

I've been through hell at times and the best advice I ever got was sometimes take it as a win that you put one foot in front of another .

My DP had what most people would think was a horrendous childhood , homelessness, real poverty , 5 stepfathers some of which were addicts but what he remembers most about his mother then he admires...he says she kept going no matter what , no matter how hard , he often tells me when I worry about the DC that his mother by her own standards failed repeatedly and beat herself up but all he remembers was that she was still there and she still tried and she still fought.

I don't want to say it'll get better because I don't know that it will OP but I do believe that you are there and your trying.

That's worth something. More than I think we as parents know.

Some things definitely can change you. I've often heard people say that you never get over a close bereavement, you just learn to leave with it. Everyone I know who lost a parent young, or a close sibling, haven't got over it really.

@bumper1969

*'Why do people who know life's suffering have children'
*
For me - it's because there is true beauty to be found both in contrast to and within life's suffering as well.

To truly appreciate the light, we need to have known the darkness.

I honestly think it is a life half lived if you haven't experienced all it has to offer. Good/bad, light/dark.

I want my children to live a full life not a 'happy' one. One which has laughter and tears, one that moulds them into sentient, kind, caring, intelligent individuals who in turn can bring some light to others lives.

We can't change the things which happen to us. We can change the way we learn to live with them.

Can someone answere this,why do people who know life's suffering have children?

I think life's suffering often comes after having children

Bumper because life is also full of joy and happiness, beauty and abundance

Lovely words @smashamasha

I’ve had a very difficult few years.

Some awful, traumatic events and an ongoing situation with one of my children which isn’t going to go away and we will have to continue to live with.

I did break at one point (mental health), but I recovered. However, life feels like death by a thousand cuts at times and I can absolutely see how people do just break and never recover. Absolutely.

I was definitely broken-and I don't think I realised how much at the time. I've had three years of being very lost and of not recognising myself. It's only the last 6 months that I've acknowledged that the me that I was is gone and isn't coming back. I have little interest in any of the things I used to like and enjoy-the things that made me me. (Apart from my lovely girls who have been all that's kept me here sometimes) I need to find who I am now. Im trying to do new things and think differently.

I look back on these last three and a half years and I find big gaps in my memory-and I wonder how I've carried on-and I can see the points that I was really struggling and really not coping (though at the time I thought I was). The bad choices I've made because I didn't have the strength to carry on down a particular path....the mess I've made of things. I never thought this would be me.

The important thing op is to take every day one at a time, and not beat yourself up if one day you feel worse than you did the day before for no reason that you can see. Recovery isn't a linea process. It took me a while to realise that.

I often though I’d broken. It felt that way, and certainly mental health issues rose up that hadn’t before which I am still living with two years later. However I found with counselling with the right person-and that’s important-it was more I have been changed and have learned to adapt. My anxiety will never fully go away and I may have to run from social situations when I never used to but with time I’m coming to recognise when I can push myself, when to retreat. If people are negative to you it’s time to roll back from them.
(I’d been working with undiagnosed depression. As soon as it was diagnosed I got a written warning at work which caused me to develop severe anxiety. I was off work for a year then came back part time. house was destroyed in a neighbours gas explosion and nobody will pay your for us, two weeks later I lost my job, two weeks after that my only uncle died, two weeks after that I lost everything I had left in a string of thefts. Somehow I live)

Amazing post @smashamasha

@yulet I had a miscarriage in 2017. That was the first thing that started to break me. I will never have that blissful ignorance back that I once had. I'll never ever forget the sonographer telling me. I let out the loudest, deepest, most sorrowful cry. I ricochet around the hospital.

@AguerosAngel

I too have PsA.

Sadly for me it was more "the straw that broke the camels back"

I feel my real breaking point was the diagnosis of my baby - she has a rare, life changing genetic condition. It will change all of our lives.

I was diagnosed with PsA when she was 4 months old.

@SimplySteveRedux
@BrienneofTarthILoveYou

Thank you - it's taken me a long time to arrive at this conclusion and on bad days I don't recognise the words that I wrote today.

I have discovered Taoism which has helped me gain a different perspective on the world but I still spend a lot of time struggling to get through the day.

Love to everyone on here who has/is suffering.