Can some things break a person?

[Chloe9]

You hear people say things like "she was never the same after they got divorced" or "he was never quite right after that heart attack"
I'm afraid that I have survived something that was just too much for me and that I can't seem to get back from

AIBU to think that some things are just too big for some people to deal with and change them forever?

When you survive something everybody says how strong you are. But what if your not that strong? What if you survive something that was just too big? What if the personal cost was too great?

Or is everything fixable with time, counselling etc.? AIBU to think that some things can break a person forever?

Chloe9, I think you need to have an honest conversation with your doctor about how you feel. You might need medication. Also it's going to take a long time. I'm six years into recovery after the final trauma that broke me and I can see how much better I am. Be patient.
Also I felt like I strongly connected with those Japanese bowls repaired with gold. I went down a google rabbit hole with them!

Thank you everyone who relates. Sometimes I feel so alone. I know we all have our burdens to bare, though. Obviously you can't "see" them. I wish I had somebody to talk to who understood what I was going through. The people in my life do try to be patient with me, but they don't see the internal struggle. They just see the missed occasions, the things I don't manage. They don't see the struggle. But then I don't see theirs.

Yanbu and you are not alone

I don't agree that therapy can repair everything. Therapy might be able to help you find a new path in life, it might be able to help you find some kind of acceptance, but it can't mend the past.

@sqeakywheel

I have told multiple people and an on antidepressants. It's just they aren't a magic fix. The psychiatrist knows this and I am on the waiting list for counselling and therapy. I've also done some trauma work before this trauma and since. I think that's why it's getting me down so much, because I've reached out for help (a lot) but that help has its limitations. And people get frustrated with me when it looks like I'm just not bothered about changing it when really I'm just struggling. The only thing I do know is I am trying my best which is the main thing I guess. Although often it feels as though I am still falling short.

I can't add anything constructive to this thread except to say I think so many of you are so brave in keeping on keeping on, despite what must clearly have been some awful experiences.

I hope everyone who is hurting can find some sort of peace in a 'new' normal

I had the most horrendous breakdown in 2013, and struggled on until 2014. Then, my world totally fell apart. I am rebuilt now. Not the same person but much happier. Don't rush - it takes ages.

I want to hug you all.

I have incurable lymphoma, my beloved partner of 20 years left me and my daughter developed drug and mental health issues, the latter of which are still very bad. I am broken but for her sake, I try and be cheerful, to interact with people and value the fact that all the shit that flies in my direction helps me feel so much more empathy for others. Sending love, hope and an upward trajectory to everyone suffering here.

In 2006, my baby died at birth (actually, more accurately during birth). I was utterly, utterly broken and it brought out an earlier, buried trauma.
Fortunately for me, my husband was there to allow me to be broken for a while and I had really good advice about rebuilding my life. It took me a long, long time to not have to focus really hard on getting through the day and doing very basic tasks, but I got there.
My priest was an absolute godsend for me and when I had a miscarriage 3 months after losing my daughter, I am certain that I would have killed myself if not for his support and kindness.
I wish I had the answer for you and I don't pretend that I have any of the answers, but I think I do understand some of your pain. Thinking about my daughter still makes me cry, but I feel something like whole again and I am proud of just surviving.

I think the example you gave of the cracked pot is spot on. A decade ago, I never thought I’d feel true happiness again (double bereavement). I learned to become ‘better not bitter’ (repaired the cracks with gold). I couldn’t find professional help, when I did, it didn’t work. I have great friends but learned that the only person who could pull me out of the hole I was in was me. I started running and that gave me focus and was the first step in lifting myself out of the hole of depression. Life can bend us, but I couldn’t allow it to break me. I’m glad I kept breathing on the days I wasn’t able to do much more than that because recently, I’ve felt true happiness again. But I believe you have to be determined to be ‘better not bitter’ (not that I’m suggesting you are OP). My experience changed my view of life, I’m more appreciative and grateful for the simple things that others take for granted, I don’t sweat the small stuff anymore and I look for a bit of magic in every day. Just keep breathing for now, OP. It takes time, a long time sometimes but where you are now, I once was and I’m sure many can relate to how you’re feeling.

@MrsSpenserGregson on the first page- that's a great way of looking at it.

*Other people can help to fill your pot up - so there's a bit more for you; for your kids.

But they can only do that if you let them know you need help*

that only works if there are people there to help in the first place

Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack, a crack in everything
That’s how the light gets in.

Yes I reckon so. I certainly feel broken, disabled, from things that have happened to me that were just too much.

Do you pray? Not religious but a higher power, a goodness. I do and it really does help. Religious and inspirational texts are enormously helpful and soothing for me - I can't really care where they come from tbh. Poetry. Eg Wild Geese by Mary Oliver which helps me feel connected when I feel totally disconnected because of the pain sometimes. There are loads and loads who are broken, we're not alone.

I can barely function at the moment but I keep going, treat myself kindly, not expecting much eg when the kids were younger I found there were swathes of stuff I really didn't have to do to keep them happy - or put another way, I was down to the basics which was easily enough. I think as parents we feel the pressure to do so much that we don't need to do. Not really.

I was talking to a support worker today (massively overstretched charity) and bemoaning abysmal mental health funding. You and I shouldn't be left out to dry like this. But there we are, that's how it is.

Ime I found a lot of support through various agencies and support groups. I've had to go out and look for it, mind, to dig it out of rock. But it's out there which is a good thing

My dad was never the same after he lost his own dad and then six months later there was a terrible accident that someone died in and he was briefly held responsible. Although he was subsequently cleared of all blame he never really recovered from that. After that things just seemed to fall apart very quickly. His health failed, he fell out with close family, his mood deteriorated and he started drinking a lot. He’s never been the same since.

That said my cousin went through a terrible, sudden bereavement (so bad it was in the news) and it crossed my mind how that might affect her going forward. She was fragile for a long time but seems to have held it together and is still living her life as before and enjoying her kids and holidays etc.

I suppose it depends on your demeanour and outlook on life. But you need to be prepared to fight to come out the other side still smiling.

Psoriatic Arthritis has broken me physically and mentally.

I am no longer the person I was before I became ill, I used to be a fully functioning, tax paying member of society. Now I’m a pyjama wearing, Morphine gobbling shadow of my former self. There are the odd glimpses of the old me, but generally I’m not the same.

I always swore I’d never let it beat me but, here we are.

It is not helpful when people expect you to be 'over it' or whatever, is it?

I had several life saving / changing operations after having the DC and it has changes things and will always have to live with it - still very anxious from it and it hurts when people say oh, that will have healed by now. No, it isn't and there is no further surgery to change it. I manage as much as I can but walking to the school leaves me in so much pain and people don;t want to listen to me talk about it. It is not easy is it

My aim now is to accept it and be kind to myself no matter what others do / think

Yes, Chloe9, people can break. Many of us on this thread feel (or have felt) the same as you at some point, for all kinds of reasons. My heart breaks at some of the stories here. But you've also had some wonderful advice and heard some positive stories of recovery and metamorphosis.

I'm in year 4 of trying to move beyond a series of catastrophic (to me) events in my life. Some days are still unbearable, but they're fewer and farther apart, and I feel like going to sleep and never waking up much less often.

Small steps. We're hard-wired to want to live, OP, no matter how impossible that may feel right now. Your children need you. Please feel the arm of all the people here around you - MN is a wise community and it can be a great support when you're at your lowest ebb.

Sending love to all of you here who've suffered so much

I really understand, OP.

I'll never be who I should have been. I'll never be 'me' because of past trauma, I never got to grow as that person. So I feel like I'm living a half-life of who I ought to be, but in pieces. Bad experiences made me weaker, not stronger. I envy strong women!

Sometimes bad things happen and they don't get better. But a lot of the time, they do get better, it just takes time.

I say this as someone who isn't depressed and I've had lots of therapy and I do enjoy some days, but I'd be really happy for it all to be over.

I keep hoping and trying and moving forward, focusing on the light not the dark, on my blessings not my traumas, but it's not easy.

I think broken is the perfect word. Because that's how I felt. I really dont like when people say a word you use to describe your feelings isnt approach.

The person I was is broken. I can put myself back together again, but i will be changed. Forever. Broken things dont have to be thrown away. Most things are fixable. But it's never the same.

Broken doesnt mean are not 'wanted in the UK'.

I agree @ProteinshakesandAntonsAss

My mum was broken 12 years ago & for a long time I thought she'd commit suicide but slowly over time she's gotten better. I'd say she's irrevocably changed & is nowhere near the same person, but she's still here, alive & able to enjoy life a bit more, especially her GCs & holidays so that's positive.

Sorry you're having such a hard time Op (& sorry for those other posters also).

Sometimes it’s perception. You feel that people are trying to be patient with you but you sense frustration. Often it isn’t that, it’s just how it seems. Right now you can’t see that you will EVER feel any different, or want to “participate” in life. it’s lonely and isolating and utterly wretched.
Doing the domestic stuff, just keeping family fed, clean & clothed was how I kept going in my darkest time. I knew that they needed looking after and it gave me a sense of purpose when I wanted to go to sleep and never wake up. I can’t pinpoint when I started to feel that there might be happy times again, it was more a slow realisation that this was the new normal and it wasn’t horrific, it was bearable.

Keep on with the meds & counselling because whilst you feel that it’s a futile exercise it means that you need them. 🌻

I think broken is the perfect word. Because that's how I felt. I really dont like when people say a word you use to describe your feelings isnt approach

But it's an unhelpful way to describe being traumatised by something, and subsequently being "different" to how you were before. Which is an understandable and normal response. Nothing broken about that.

That was my point. That not being able to get over something awful does not make you broken. It's normal. It's ok.

It's not unhelpful. It perfectly describes how I felt.

You have no place saying people cant label their own feelings.

Something in me broke. The person I am is broken.

No one said being broken isnt normal. It is a normal response.

Broken and abnormal are not the same things.

..it depends on your demeanour and outlook on life.

No. It doesn't.

But you need to be prepared to fight to come out the other side still smiling.

Give me a bloody break. You can have no idea what broken means. Change 'smiling' for 'still alive' and you'd be closer.