AIBU to think both my SIL and her DD are CFs

[wisteriablossom]

Need to rant or I’ll explode !
Long story short DH father passed away , lovely man and as a family we have , whilst he was ill and to this day we are giving MIL all the support we can. On a few occasions we have asked SIL and her DD , SIL single , DD 32 years old , married , no kids, to help out as MIL is quite demanding. SIL can’t help as much, so she says , as she has a demanding job and her horse to look after. Her DD has decided to do a masters degree then her PhD , giving up her full time job and working one day at a weekend , so hasn’t the time either .
Sister-in-laws DD was bought up by her grandparents, but that is a different story in itself. DH is run ragged with his demanding job so l help out as much as I can. However, these two seem to find time to go on spa days , go horse riding , go to book clubs , go to the gym , go out with friends whilst DH , myself and our daughter do the hospital runs , the gardening, the cleaning and generally making sure MIL is ok to the point we have no energy for anything else. On numerous occasions SIL and her DD have said that they know their mother:/ grandmother will be looked after by me , as they put it , as I’m used to looking after others because I looked after my own mother for 20 years .
Today husbands niece has put up a status on FB saying “ enjoying a well deserved rest and relaxation at my fav spa” . I feel like commenting “ I’m off to help your grandmother seen as though you’ve not got the time to help her.
It does make me so cross .

They're selfish cows.

I think that according to the rules of Cheeky Fuckery as defined by MN, it only applies if someone makes an egregious request/demand of the OP. In this case it is annoying noise.

Shit. YANBU!

To be fair, you could take a step back also.

The SIL & your niece have different priorities and if trey don’t want to pitch in caring be for MIL, they don’t have to.

You could also stop and arrange for her to go into sheltered housing or similar.

reply to the status as you described. What have you got to lose?

Why not make a PA comment?

Alternatively get your DH to have strong words with his DSis and tell her not to be such an uncaring daughter! To tell her plainly that the 2 of your are running yourself ragged and are in need of some help...

Yabu it is a huge responsibility taking care of your mil. Just because you and dh have decided to do so doesnt mean that anyone should feel or be obligated to. Maybe a long term solution needs to be discussed.

Well the alternative is you take a step back and put other support in place. A cleaner, a gardener, an account with the local taxi firm etc. Why are you doing so much yourself?

Does mil have cognitive or mobility issues? She could possibly claim attendence allowance and pay for gardener/cleaner and could shopping be done online?

MIL is very mobile for someone in their 80s but she did rely on her husband for a lot of things before he became so unwell and sadly passing away.

YANBU. I'd also be tempted to put something on Facebook. She can always remove it or block you (and probably will)

Does your mother in law need looking after? Does she want looking after?
They are not obliged to look after her but neither are you so you could take a step back and stop being a martyr.

Why are you doing so much?

Don’t be a martyr.

Clearly more sustainable long term solutions need to be put in place, a gardener, cleaner, MIL learns to use public transport and taxis, etc.

How many of your MILs demands are for necessary help, and how many because she is, well, demanding?
It could be that they just see her as a demanding person and don't believe that she really needs so much support. Only you can decide to what extant they are right. If you are doing far more than she actually needs then you may well not be helping her, but rather encouraging dependency which is harmful to her. Supporting and encouraging her to work out how to manage most of her own needs would be more useful, but if she enjoys having a minion to do her bidding then that in itself is a huge problem.

Tell them. Just say we can’t won’t do it all.
All the time you let people take advantage of your good nature they will. Tell them to help.

I’ve met a few people in your position. It is you’re decision to support you’re MIL and making yourselves martyrs. You have no idea of the individual relationship between mother/daughter so really should stay out of it.
Depending on her financial status could MIL not take taxis to appointments ?

You can't force someone to care for an elderly relative? It isn't compulsory. A PhD plus working at the weekend does sound quite tiring and stressful tbh. Only you are making yourself care for MIL, if you feel angry and resentful maybe you should do less for her.

I'd write the comment.

It's all very well saying the OP is a martyr but it's not that simple is it? If OP pulls back then MIL suffers. OP sounds like a caring person who doesn't want MIL to suffer.

Nobody is forcing yourself and Dh to do so much for MIL. I assume its your choice to help out. In the same way it's your SIL and nieces choice not to help. No point in being pissed off with them. It gets you nowhere and only annoys yourself. I've been there to a lesser extent and just had to let it go. If you don't wish to continue helping your MIL so much then just step back and say no. Your MIL might well start calling on her daughter and granddaughter a bit more to help her if you and Dh aren't so available.

You can't force someone to care for an elderly relative? No, but you can point out to them that trite bollocks like "they know their mother:/ grandmother will be looked after by me , as they put it , as I’m used to looking after others because I looked after my own mother for 20 years^ is not on and they should be ashamed of themselves for thinking it, let alone trying the emotional blackmail route of actually saying it out loud!

Tbh I'd veer more towards your SIL and her daughter's way. Is your mil demanding because she is used to have people prioritise her or has she specific needs - health, mobility etc? My mum who is almost 70 runs whenever her mum calls (she is in her earlier 90s). My mum prioritises her over everything else but she does it through guilt she would have a field day on MN. My mums health both mental and physical, her relationships with both her family and friends have suffered because of it. I would be taking a step back now and letting your husband and his sister and their mum come up with some longer term plans.

Very selfish but you need to make some changes. You can't do this forever, your MIL needs to look at cleaners etc. It's given my Dad a new lease of life to have fewer worries about the house etc now he on his own (Mam in a care home).

1. You mention that MiL is demanding. I suspect your SiL has been there, done that & lives for herself now.

2. You sound a martyr. Stop it. Doesn't mean you stop giving her any time, but don't bend over backwards any more. If you can afford help, get it.

My DM & DA were a lot happier once they stopped dancing to their DM (my DGMs) tune. The tune was called "I'm never happy or satisfied".

I would totally put that reply on FB. Fuck it, publicly shame them.

Take a step back, she isn't your mum. If you want to help her do so with an open heart because you want to, not because you feel you have to or as a result of her dd being useless. Get your husband to talk to his sister and share the load. Make sure you each have a day off so you can do your own errands, this will hopefully help avoid resentment. What goes around comes around, your sil might well find her dd is useless when she gets to old age and needs a helping hand. It is not an easy situation to be in, yanbu x