AIBU to think both my SIL and her DD are CFs

[wisteriablossom]

Need to rant or I’ll explode !
Long story short DH father passed away , lovely man and as a family we have , whilst he was ill and to this day we are giving MIL all the support we can. On a few occasions we have asked SIL and her DD , SIL single , DD 32 years old , married , no kids, to help out as MIL is quite demanding. SIL can’t help as much, so she says , as she has a demanding job and her horse to look after. Her DD has decided to do a masters degree then her PhD , giving up her full time job and working one day at a weekend , so hasn’t the time either .
Sister-in-laws DD was bought up by her grandparents, but that is a different story in itself. DH is run ragged with his demanding job so l help out as much as I can. However, these two seem to find time to go on spa days , go horse riding , go to book clubs , go to the gym , go out with friends whilst DH , myself and our daughter do the hospital runs , the gardening, the cleaning and generally making sure MIL is ok to the point we have no energy for anything else. On numerous occasions SIL and her DD have said that they know their mother:/ grandmother will be looked after by me , as they put it , as I’m used to looking after others because I looked after my own mother for 20 years .
Today husbands niece has put up a status on FB saying “ enjoying a well deserved rest and relaxation at my fav spa” . I feel like commenting “ I’m off to help your grandmother seen as though you’ve not got the time to help her.
It does make me so cross .

I didn't even spot that SIL was on her own. Even more unreasonable of your MIL to expect her to run around after her - she has a job, her own family, her own home, and her own mental health to look after.

You need to take a bit of a leaf out of SILs book, IMO. Your MIL is manipulative - the bit about your FILs care is shocking. Your SIL and DN probably see her for exactly what she is, and disengage as a result. You need to learn to do the same.

At the end of the day if they wont step up, then they wont. You need to talk to your husband and MIL about not being able to manage everything and to look at employing a cleaner, gardener etc and getting MIL taxis etc if she needs to go anywhere.
You cant make them do anything, I think your wasting your energy even thinking about them. I would personally have nothing further to do with them apart from the very basics and would also look into luncheon clubs, elderly groups etc for MIL.

You get this a lot in families OP, my Mum had this with her Mum and her brother and Sil did very little help where my Mum was run ragged.

Because your Mil is living on her own, every small problem becomes a major issue, she has nothing else to worry about. Late Mil was the same. Try to take a step back or you will end up doing more and more. It isn’t easy but most people of her age expect family to sort out problems and take on responsibilities and many do not want outside help.

Your updates about DHs health are also a bit alarming OP. You don't say how old you both are but as you have a niece of 32, a MIL in her 80s and you also don't talk about retirement giving either of you more time in the near future, I'm thinking probably mid 50s to early 60s? Meaning your DH had a stroke around 60ish at the oldest and has a stressful job.

Given that SIL and DN, rightly, aren't prepared to do things like gardening and cleaning to enable MILs preferences, if he does have another stroke say in a year's time, and you have to care for him, or his health just tanks to the extent that he isn't available for running around and dancing to his mother's whims, what actually do you think MIL will do?

It really doesn't matter why your SIL and her DD don't want to care for your MiL, that is their choice. Putting PA messages on social media will change nothing. All you have to concentrate on is deciding what you are prepared to do.

Frankly I would be telling your MiL that if she wants her house to be cleaned and her garden maintained then she will just have to accept that it will have be done by a cleaner and a gardener. If she refuses then it's up to her but you won't be doing it. No need to martyr yourself.

I'm betting your MiL prefers you to look after than them They sound vile.

YABU, as clearly explained in soooooo many posts....

YABU. Don't be resentful of your SIL because the choices she makes has different repercussions on her life as your choices do on yours. What is MIL needing all this help with? I wouldn't be wanting to be my DM/MIL carer, cleaner, gardner, taxi etc etc either. Isn't this what we 'save all our lives for', to buy in care and help to support us in our old age. Extremely selfish (and free of course!) to have your family running round after you instead. Have seen too many families end up on their knees pandering to the demands of elderly folk who can become extremely demanding. You are making a choice and will live your life a shame a consequence. Step back.

The more you post about your MIL the more I understand exactly why your SIL and her DD are choosing not to get too involved.

MIL sounds like a perfectly capable, solvent, demanding woman. I think SIL has taken totally the right approach and you'd do well to take a leaf out of her book.

I don't understand why you think it's your niece's responsibility. Do you have children of your own, and would you be expecting them to compromise their careers or education to take on a carers role?

In these situations, you need to decide what you are willing to do, do that, no more, and don't moan.

@frenchknitting - OP said that she has a DD who is also being roped into looking after the MIL.

The OP is teaching her child to be a doormat.

My DM was like this. She had a vast range of demands and insisted that only family could meet them. When you'd taken care of those, she'd think of more. If you said no, she'd have a medical 'emergency'. If you ever tried to take some time out for yourself and just not answer the phone, for instance, she'd have a full-blown histrionic panic attack and decide you were dead in a ditch and leave a million voicemails. She was inappropriately generous with money and took great offence if you tried to refuse it, but then expected a high level of service because of 'all the help' she'd given you. She'd regularly denounce those not present as 'useless' and 'no help'. I daresay you might be unpleasantly surprised by how she talks about you when she's with SIL.

I think SIL and her DD have seen it all before and are tired of being manipulated. Sounds like you're tired too, but blaming the wrong person.

The pp who suggested counselling so that you are better able to assert your needs and say no was spot on imo. There's a difference between being caring and making yourself someone's slave.

Op, caring for an elderly person is something very different than dealing with other age groups, and not all normal advice is applicable.

Can I suggest you pop over to the elderly parents section, on The second new shiny 2019 thread. People are living it on there, also try to go back to some of the older threads of this thread - caring for elderly parents... Think you will find more advice.

My DM exhausted herself caring for her mum when she was unwell, now she has passed away she does the same for her DF. For a while my one of my cousins was helping a lot too but she is thinking of starting her own family and it's too much. My whole family made me feel guilty for not helping as much as they felt I should because I'm a nurse even though I have a young family of my own to care for.

Look after her because you want to not because you have to. If you dont want to talk to a GP about getting some support to help her become independent of you

No one signed a contract in blood to look after MIL.

Don’t be a martyr.

The real bad bit is when they get favoured in the will.

You need to break the cycle of expectation. Are there any day centres she can go to, either by taxi or collected on a minibus? She needs companionship. She needs to accept support from others eg gardener, carer. You need to take a big step back and ensure there are procedures in place to meet her needs by other professionals. Then go away on holiday for 2 weeks and spend quality time with DH. MIL will have to rely on others, and this can then become the norm. You can tailor your visits as often as you want after that.

I daresay you might be unpleasantly surprised by how she talks about you when she's with SIL

A very valid point ... IME it's never safe to assume the endless help will be appreciated, especially if doing so means losing another opportunity to manipulate

As a carer for a family memeber myslf this is something that is heard so often. The OP can ask for a carers assessment and ask SS to make respite arrangements

I have been where you are with my SIL and DB
My DM was in hospital so many times with strokes and such over 6 in 2 years she was in hospital and not once did they bother to come see her!
They made excuses about working and such yet they could bog off to the coast for a long weekend.
Anyway I never said anything but I let my annoyance known by being passive aggressive (bad I know)
But in my eyes they showed their true colours and paid me back by being dreadful and doing the lowest thing that I could ever imagine.
My DN was dying and they allowed and let her other aunts and uncles attend her bedside to say goodbye.
I didn’t even get a text I didn’t know how bad she was before they turned the machine off.
I believe SIL did it because I gave her shit about her and DB not coming to see mum in the hospital.

You need to ask them specifically for help "Can you go and visit her on a Tuesday?", "could you do the weekly shop for her please?" etc etc.

Imagine if everyone, or more accurately here, all women who had elderly relatives, had to give up work, studies, hobbies, etc. as soon as an elderly relative demanded. Doesn't matter what they do, what hopes and ambitions they have for themselves, it all has to go in order to devote time to catering to the elderly relative's whims.

Do you really think thats what happens OP? Its not as if we all live in one big family house as in Southern Italy or in farms 300 years ago. You seem a bit obsessed about your 32 year old niece using her own time to study and do the normal things a 32 year old does with their time. You mention this is because your MIL raised her - do you really think that a child owes the rest of their lives back in some kind of payback for being brought up?

Do you have a job OP? Or have you had a full time job? I just think you lack a little sense of perspective here and don't respect the priorities that other people have, such as jobs and enjoying their lives. Are you a member of a very strict religion where this is normal?

You know on planes, in the safety announcement, they tell you to put on YOUR oxygen mask first, before helping others with theirs? That's what you need to do now.

I don't like your insinuation, that people who aren't willing to do all your MIL demands, are uncaring. All the pps who have advised you to step back, are actually very caring. They care about you and your husband's health, which is why they are advising you to ease up.
Your husband could well end up having another stroke because of this, and you could have a breakdown. Then you'll be no help to anyone.

I don't blame your SIL and her DD. They've got the measure of your MIL and aren't willing to pander to her whims. You need to take a leaf out of their book, and do the same, and stop blaming them.

YOU are CHOOSING to carry on martyring yourself, and you'll get no thanks for it.

Stepping back, is NOT being uncaring.

OP i sympathise. I look after my nan since she was widowed. Nan has dementia and extreme anxiety & OCD. Recently she had a fall & broke her arm.

My Uncle lives abroad because he wants to "live his dream", my mum travels as she "doesnt want to be tied down" and my older sister wants nothing to do with nan as it inturrupts her tv watching.

The trouble is, the dementia makes nan forgetful & unsteady. She has a fall alarm but she will set it off if she hasnt seen me but of course the alarm people are duty bound to contact me. Nan cant leave her house alone, has eleventy billion appointments to go to and her extreme anxiety means she cannot cope with strangers helping her.

We managed to get carers in whilst her arm is broken and Age Uk have offered to come do housework and will show up every week only to be sent away.

So its all left to me. I have 3 young children, i have health issues and recently my 8 year old son has had health issues. Still my family wont step in to help. Therefore i rely on the kindness of my friends to help with my kids (DH works very long 24 hour shifts) so i can ferry nan around, visit her every couple of days so she isnt lonely, and coordinate all the various agencies involved with her care even though she refuses it all.

Op i know how you feel about not feeling like you can step back. People tell me to leave nan to her own devices, but it doesnt work. She soon manipulates it to get me back, whether thats pressing her alarm or calling me to say she's not feeling well. I just wish my sister would offer to swing by one afternoon after work (she drives past nans house & is 2 minutes further up the road) so nan knows she'll see someone, so that gives me a day off. But she wont, she wants to go straight home and "relax with the tv".

I'm no matyr, but I'm also not cruel enough to leave nan to struggle herself. Its just nice to know we have back up in other family members.

Arrowfanatic

It sounds like your nan needs to be in a care home. I give you the same advice as I gave OP. Step back. Your son's needs, are, I'm afraid, more important than your nan's.