AIBU to think both my SIL and her DD are CFs

[wisteriablossom]

Need to rant or I’ll explode !
Long story short DH father passed away , lovely man and as a family we have , whilst he was ill and to this day we are giving MIL all the support we can. On a few occasions we have asked SIL and her DD , SIL single , DD 32 years old , married , no kids, to help out as MIL is quite demanding. SIL can’t help as much, so she says , as she has a demanding job and her horse to look after. Her DD has decided to do a masters degree then her PhD , giving up her full time job and working one day at a weekend , so hasn’t the time either .
Sister-in-laws DD was bought up by her grandparents, but that is a different story in itself. DH is run ragged with his demanding job so l help out as much as I can. However, these two seem to find time to go on spa days , go horse riding , go to book clubs , go to the gym , go out with friends whilst DH , myself and our daughter do the hospital runs , the gardening, the cleaning and generally making sure MIL is ok to the point we have no energy for anything else. On numerous occasions SIL and her DD have said that they know their mother:/ grandmother will be looked after by me , as they put it , as I’m used to looking after others because I looked after my own mother for 20 years .
Today husbands niece has put up a status on FB saying “ enjoying a well deserved rest and relaxation at my fav spa” . I feel like commenting “ I’m off to help your grandmother seen as though you’ve not got the time to help her.
It does make me so cross .

@wisteriablossom you both sound lovely but in all honesty your mil may need to face. Reality ... wouldn’t it be nice if you could visit to have quality time rather than run around doing jobs?

Is it a possibility for food to be delivered via online shopping ( I find Asda very good and the substitutions are 9/10 correct if the brand I picked is t available )

Could she allow a gardener so that is taken care of ( technically not in the home )

Could she pay someone to come to the door to pick up ironing and drop it back ( no need to come in the house )

Could she arrange for prescriptions to be delivered to her door ? ( I had an elderly relative that did that )

That leaves you with picking up odd bits / house work ( later could be out sourced when mil starts to get there )

Regards appointments ... set up a family WhatsApp .... let everyone know what ferrying needs doing and ask the question whether they can slot it in?

OP you can’t make them care. You have to realise that then decide what you want to do.

MIL is very old fashioned as to whom she has in her house and she won’t even go round her neighbours when invited let alone let them into hers .
She wouldn’t have carers in when FIL was very ill he had to go into a nursing home . He was only there 4 weeks before he passed away. All he wanted was to be at home . But that’s something my MIL has to deal with.
Your MIL is the problem here.

Ppl die quicker in nursing homes. She's so set in her ways....that others, like you suffer the consequences.

Back off and take a step back or you'll work yourself into an early grave.

Self care is very important. Your SIL and her DD are looking after themselves...your MIL wants the world to centre around her and you and DH enable her.

I think whether YABU or not depends on whether the things you do for MIL are essentials that she cannot do for herself (or pay for someone else to do them) or something she just prefers that you do for her. If you are doing things she is capable of doing but is just demanding you do them instead, then actually you may be hindering and not helping.

For instance, do you really need to run yourself ragged doing the gardening- I would mow the lawn but anything else quite frankly is non-essential and if it's really important to MIL then she should pay someone to do it. Shopping- that could be done online and delivered. Or done when doing your own shopping, so not another trip needed. As with cleaning- why can't you pay someone to do it if MIL is not up to it? If she is genuinely to frail to do it herself, she should qualify for attendance allowance and could put that towards it.

I think if it is causing this much of an issue for you, you have to stop being martyr's and find practical solutions.

I think you are so obsessed with what you believe to be the injustice of SiL and her DD not doing their share that you aren't listening to what people on here are saying. You are pretty rude about how busy SiL and DD actually are with their work, horses, studying etc but it's irrelevant. If they sat at home and did absolutely nothing every single day that is their choice.

You can't change them you can only change yourself but from what I've read you won't so good luck in the future.

This should have been bolded because of it's importance. It shows how selfish your MIL is, that her behaviour probably sent your FIL to his death sooner.

MIL is very old fashioned as to whom she has in her house and she won’t even go round her neighbours when invited let alone let them into hers .
It's not being old fashioned. It's being stubborn and selfish.

She wouldn’t have carers in when FIL was very ill he had to go into a nursing home .

Yet she claimed to love him.

He was only there 4 weeks before he passed away. All he wanted was to be at home .

How sad. Yet you're still pandering to her and enabling this ridiculous behaviour of hers.

She does it...because you go running.

But that’s something my MIL has to deal with

Do you think this really bothers her?

Your SIL and her DD refuse to pander. They have their own lives and won't let your MIL in her selfish ways (that you refer to as old fashioned) dictate and interfere with their lives.

They may be very resentful with her refusal to have carers in for FIL... you really don't know. I would be annoyed about it in SILS position.

FIL helped her so much...but she had him in care when he wanted to be at home... I suspect nobody has ever stood up to this woman.

I don't even get the sense that your MIL is grateful or appreciates what you do... she sounds terribly entitled.

A masters is hard work..but you seem to mock it. At least she gets her DD to help out at times.

Sometimes in life, looking after yourself is essential...before you tend to others.

I don't blame them. Not one bit.

OP, I watched my mother give up ten years of her life to care for her mother. Ten years she went every single day and did everything. That was ten years of never being able to go out to lunch, of never being able to come to my school events, to never plan anything in case my grandmother called on her. My mother passed away before my grandmother, from undiagnosed cancer because she wouldn't take time away from my grandmother to go to the doctor for herself.

I swore I would never be in that position. I do have an elderly relative (who has no other family), but she knows that I can only give to her what is available. I had a very frank conversation with her a few years ago and made her agree what I could and couldn't do for her and that she must take responsibility for herself. It was all very clear.

OP, your MIL is manipulating you. Stop worrying about your SIL and her DD, and start putting firm boundaries for yourself. "MIL, we will come over between 2 and 5 on Saturday if you need anything done. We will not be available to come over until then" no matter how much she whinges. "MIL we are not available for the hospital appointment. I have arranged a taxi to pick you up at 10am. You can pay the driver directly." Don't answer the phone unless it is a planned time to be available. You do not HAVE to do this.

Every adult is responsible for themselves, and they need to put things in place for the time that they will be unable to do things themselves. It's tough if she doesn't want strangers in her house, that's just something she will need to accept.

Set very firm boundaries, and ignore your SIL and DD in all of this. They have obviously made their boundaries clear, and your MIL is obviously accepting of them, since she's not constantly calling on them. It's now time for you to do the same.

YABU. They are setting their boundaries with regards to how much they are willing to take on mentally or physically. Just because this boundary doesn't match your own doesn't make them cheeky fuckers.

I work with older adults in social care. No family members should take on more than they feel able. It's difficult if a family member feels others aren't pulling their weight but it's often due to their own feelings of guilt that they aren't able to set their own boundaries.

I feel it's such a shame more families aren't able to discuss these things whilst all is well. Saying that you won't be able to offer much support if the worst happens early on reduces so much heartache in the future and allows people to plan appropriately.

Yabu. Set boundaries now. Ive seen carers die before those they care for. Your sil and her dd have set boundaries. You need to. Offer help yes but dont kill yourself. You said mil is demanding sounds like sil been there and got the t shirt. I work with the elderly and theres alot of support out there but you need to ask. Get mil meals sent per day, volunteer drivers to hospital apps, a cleaner, etc. If thats all set up you can visit your mil and just enjoy spending time with her like your sil is. Contact age concern. Its hard being a carer hence why you need support op.

So your mil was so selfish and cruel that she sent your poor fil to a care home when he preferred to be at home??
And you are harping on about them being selfish? You are deluded and a martyr.
Maybe the sil is resentful of her mothers selfish ways and what she did to her father?
You use old fashioned as if it's something endearing, but you fail to see how manipulative she really is.