AIBU to think both my SIL and her DD are CFs

[wisteriablossom]

Need to rant or I’ll explode !
Long story short DH father passed away , lovely man and as a family we have , whilst he was ill and to this day we are giving MIL all the support we can. On a few occasions we have asked SIL and her DD , SIL single , DD 32 years old , married , no kids, to help out as MIL is quite demanding. SIL can’t help as much, so she says , as she has a demanding job and her horse to look after. Her DD has decided to do a masters degree then her PhD , giving up her full time job and working one day at a weekend , so hasn’t the time either .
Sister-in-laws DD was bought up by her grandparents, but that is a different story in itself. DH is run ragged with his demanding job so l help out as much as I can. However, these two seem to find time to go on spa days , go horse riding , go to book clubs , go to the gym , go out with friends whilst DH , myself and our daughter do the hospital runs , the gardening, the cleaning and generally making sure MIL is ok to the point we have no energy for anything else. On numerous occasions SIL and her DD have said that they know their mother:/ grandmother will be looked after by me , as they put it , as I’m used to looking after others because I looked after my own mother for 20 years .
Today husbands niece has put up a status on FB saying “ enjoying a well deserved rest and relaxation at my fav spa” . I feel like commenting “ I’m off to help your grandmother seen as though you’ve not got the time to help her.
It does make me so cross .

Well the frail and lonely situation will probably affect us all !
So what is the answer?
My DM wanted family to call in all the time. The reason was largely that it was much easier and less stressful for her than going out on her own to clubs or church etc.
But if you sit about at home alone that leaves a huge amount of lonely time to be filled by others. It's asking too much.
Your DMIL needs to get herself out to meet and socialise. If she isn't prepared to do that then really it is her fault that she is lonely. You are her DIL and DS, not her best buddy.
Getting a cleaner, gardener, carer who will cook occasionally? Means that people are calling in regularly and provide company and that someone is keeping an eye out.

MIL won’t have anyone other than family in her home. So having others come in is not an option

To be frank it sounds like your MIL is the CF in that case. Too bad if she doesn't want anyone else helping her - you don't have the resources to give her what she wants needs and it's unreasonable to hound other people about helping.

I'm working and doing my MSc, and I'm starting my PhD next year. If someone called me a CF for not mowing my granny's lawn I'd have something to say about it.

I'd plan on working out a time share ratio; 1-1-1. One hour outside help, one hour SIL and did, one hour you and DH.

So, if she agrees to 4 weekly hours of outside help, sil can pitch in 4, then, and only once they have done their hours, you and dh do your share.

MIL won’t have anyone other than family in her home

Cross posted with you on this one OP, but yes - I thought you'd say that. I also imagine you realise it's completely unacceptable and downright manipulative, no doubt designed to keep you running around and her demands met

This is the point where thecatsthecats's post about personalities comes into play, and also explains more about why the rest of the family might resist involvement. Feeling sorry for MIL is natural, but isn't necessarily a spur to get things done the best way if she resorts to outright selfishness

Although there are plenty of suggestions here, what to do next has to be your choice ... but remember a choice is exactly what it is

Well ideally family would be helping with the lonely part, although it would still be sensible for MIL to access any available social activities too of course. That way when people have other commitments and limited free time, which let's be honest is most of us, they can prioritise what is most useful. Not waste 2 hours doing gardening that can be done by someone outside the family without any detriment.

The difficulty of course though is that when people don't want strangers in the house and feel entitled to have family do it instead, family members often then detach because they know full well they're going to get roped in. I wouldn't be that shocked if that's what has happened here.

Yanbu to be cross and stressed about the pressure this situation puts on you. They anbu not to want to do it either.

Caring for someone demanding is an unrelentless and thankless task. More so if you don’t even start froma position of wanting to commit to that. If you are finding it too much then take a step back - your DH and SIL then need to decide how much they are prepared to take on and whether they need to get some external support.

SIL is wrong to expect you to do everything but she is certainly not wrong to not want to do it herself.

How many hours a week is she asking of you, and what are those hours for?

I don't see why not wanting to move from somewhere she has lived for 15 years makes your SIL a terrible person

@MissPhonic You don't see how her moving away is ok, but us trying to move a little closer to DH's work was unforgivable, because then who would look after the Inlaws? Ok then. Where was her consideration for who would look after them when she left?

She assumed that just because we live near we'd do all the care. Unfortunately for her that won't be happening and if we reach a point where MIL does need help she will have to either relocate or travel to share the load.

My mum is in a similar situation to your MiL @wisteriablossom. Except she will allow people in to do jobs for her around the house and around the garden.
My dad passed away over 20 years ago and she has been single and independent since then. We are in touch regularly, either by popping in or by phone and she loves WhatsApp on her mobile. She has a gardener and a cleaner that come regularly and she pays them for their time and services. She goes out and gets her hair done and meets her friends in the locality. All without any intervention by her adult children (i.e. me and my siblings).

You need to come up with a plan between you and your DH on how you're going to keep going. You need, no must have your own time to do stuff, even if that is only getting your hair or nails done or going to the cinema. It's time for you and your DH that you're currently not getting. Then present it to MiL and say that any gaps that may now appear in the timetable could be filled by SiL or by a third party that you've been able to find some very reputable names and would like to suggest X as gardener as (s)he has done a lovely job on Mrs Jones garden etc. and Y as a cleaner as Mrs Smith has recommended Y very highly and the attention to detail is brilliant.

I can completely understand that she is comfortable in knowing who she is letting in to her house at the moment as it is just friends and family but she will have to learn to trust these people and allow them in too. There will come a time where she may not have much say in the matter so it would be much better to have something in place now than later on.

MIL won’t have anyone other than family in her home. So having others come in is not an option

Ah yes, that old chestnut! Our dad wasn't keen either after mum died but you know what, we organised home help and a cleaner and he just had to get used to it. If she needs outside help then she will have to compromise or do without. Stop doing so much and stop expecting your SIL to help. She's made her point very clear. I appreciate your MIL is lonely. She can surely meet up with other people her own age in the area, take up an art class or any other craft/cooking activities, play cards, go to bingo. If she has friends could they take it in turns to have a coffee morning? Help her find some sort of social outlet - even if you practically have to force the issue. That way she won't be as reliant on you and Dh for company.

MIL won’t have anyone other than family in her home

My mother was like that. We arranged for home care and gardening through an agency. After the first time they came, she thought it was wonderful , had cups of tea with them and all sorts. Sometimes you just have to "do it !"

(not wanting anyone other than family in her home) ... that's a choice, and not one they have any moral obligation to facilitate. You're enabling it. They aren't the ones being unreasonable and you have zero right to expect to rope other people into the consequences of your decisions

Yes, and this ^^ As so often with these situations, the choices of the other family who initially seem "in the wrong" become clearer as time goes on

In answer to your question in the title - yes you are!

They are living their lives as they choose, you choose to help out, MIL chooses not to have outside help.

If you chose not to then she would get outside help if she needed to. It is your DH's mother he needs to insist she gets outside help. If she is unable to fend for herself surely you should be considering whether her staying on at home is actually feasible or whether she should be looking at residential care.

Please OP look at this answer you have given

"MIL won’t have anyone other than family in her home. So having others come in is not an option"

You are getting cross and upset that you are the only ones stepping up, but what if you weren't available for some reason? What would MIL do then?

SIL and her DD have (by their actions) declared they are not doing it.

While it is nice of you to help MIL it's not nice if by your actions you or your DH ends up ill or having a breakdown due to overwork.

The problem here is MIL, which will never resolve while you are "there" to fill the gap! You are effectively enableing her to continue to lean on you.

I have just a month or two ago stopped my mum doing something similar for an older relative - same issue, only my mum there to help out, said relative "won't have outsiders" etc etc . She now has a cleaner and a gardner. "Needs must"

MIL won’t have anyone other than family in her home

My parents were like this until my mum was hospitalised for the second time. Only then did they realise that they needed to help weekly as I couldn't cope with everything they needed to do on top of a full time job, 2 DCs and a DH who freqently works away. My only sibling lives too far away to help.

I managed to persuade them to get a cleaner & gardener and to do some shopping online. DH and I still do odd diy/household jobs for them (but it's on a less regular basis) and I still take them to important hospital appointments.

I found I had to take a step back from the day to day stuff to save my own sanity!

I wouldn't condemn anyone who doesn't choose to become a carer. The level of care you seem to provide seems incompatible with a full time job or career or any outside interests, and you mention that you cared for your own mother for 20 years. Is it possible that this is colouring your viewpoint?

Some people get sucked into caring, some avoid it. You sound like a bit of a martyr and I don't think its your way or the highway. People who work and study do valuable things too. I think criticising a 32 year old for studying for a Phd is very unfair, as is expecting people to move house. People are entitled to lead their lives, to enjoy themselves, to have careers.

I'm also not surprised MIL is lonely if she won't allow anyone but family members into her own home.

Then Sorry OP but they are not being unreasonable not to pander to her ridiculous demands. She doesn't want anyone else in her home? Then what's her alternative suggestion?

MIL won’t have anyone other than family in her home. So having others come in is not an option

Perhaps OP, this is the crux of the matter, you accept that MIL can decide that no one other than family can be in her home, so that puts an obligation on family to do it. SIL and DN might take the view that if MIL can afford carers, but won't let them in, that's her choice. That giving her the 'family do it' choice, you are allowing her to get away with not letting others in.

Does MIL not have other friends to stop her being lonely? Was FIL the only other adult she saw regularly? Could you arrange taxis to take her to/from appointments if she doesn't really need help, just driving? arrange for a cleaner/gardener, or perhaps SIL thinks by doing it all for MIL, you are allowing her to avoid the issue that she can't cope with the house and garden and needs to move.

Perhaps time to have a conversation with SIL along the lines of "MIL can't cope alone, we've tried to support her but we are finding it hard for the level of need she has. Either you need to be able to take on several hours worth of care a week, or perhaps we need to think about other solutions, will you help us with that?"

Does your MIL perhaps have 'learned helplessness'? Or is she trying to make you so tired with all the coming and going and doings that it's easier for you to move her in with you?

Being older and widowed doesn't mean that people can't still be manipulative and controlling.

OP - has this thread helped you see the other options and other opinions?

You may feel you have to care for MIL the way she wants to be cared for, rather than being annoyed at SIL for not seeing it that way, perhaps think is she right, are there other options?

You are entitled to have a good quality of life for yourself.

You are allowed to have fun, and time off. You don't have to do the caring for someone because they would prefer you to anyone else.

You are able to say "my quality of life is important too". You are able to say "it's not just my neice who should have options about how to spend her spare time, my daughters should do to."

It's ok to be a bit selfish, because by insisiting she is cared for only by family, your MIL is being very selfish.

You can’t control what others do. You can only control what you do. If you think you’re doing too much (and it sounds like you are) then change that regardless of who steps in to fill the breach. Just create a breach (with warning). It will have to be filled - possibly even by your MIL herself who may well be able to do more or cope better than she thinks.

Op if you worked or had a busy life yourself you would not be able to do what you do for Mil. I agree it is lonely having lost your dh of 60yrs - maybe look into local clubs that MIL can attend.

Regards having non family in the house, again if you were not around MIL would have to meddle through.

You can harp on all you want regards your SIL & niece but they have made a decision to do limited task, visits etc

You are overworking yourself and its not you SIL's or nieces fault. Just stop doing it. Tell them it's becoming too much for your family. Hire a gardener and a cleaner and ask your SIL to help pay for it.

I would be exceptionally unimpressed by this request unless MIL couldn't possibly pay for it and there is no possible way she could downsize. People either live in accommodation they can manage or they pay for others to do it. There is already far too much expectation in this family that others bear the burden of decisions MIL makes.

Also OP you really aren't doing her any favours letting her be so utterly reliant on you. Forgive me for being grim, but you and DH could both die in a car crash on the way home. One of you might become very ill and require the other as a full time carer. These things happen all the time. It is better for her now whilst she's still mobile and while all this is a choice to spread her eggs over a few baskets.

What are your children doing? Are the doing more than DN?

FIL also refused almost all outside help when MIL died. He had us all running around him trying to make various things work. We had to out boundaries in place because he quite literally would have liked one of us to move in and look after him around the clock.

His refusal to have that help led to his decline and eventually he had to go into a nursing home, a really nice one. He’s transformed, loves the company and the activities and structure. It’s costing him a fortune but we have peace of mind.

OP your SIL and her DD do sound very selfish but I think you need a round the table meeting to discuss who can do what and when and what your boundaries are. MIl needs to be aware that you can’t and won’t be personally responsible for her entire happiness and wellbeing and can make decisions about how things play out. If she absolutely refuses to have help then it’s time you took a decent holiday and see what happens.

If you can possibly keep a united front in your approach to her you will find it easier going forward.