AIBU to think both my SIL and her DD are CFs

[wisteriablossom]

Need to rant or I’ll explode !
Long story short DH father passed away , lovely man and as a family we have , whilst he was ill and to this day we are giving MIL all the support we can. On a few occasions we have asked SIL and her DD , SIL single , DD 32 years old , married , no kids, to help out as MIL is quite demanding. SIL can’t help as much, so she says , as she has a demanding job and her horse to look after. Her DD has decided to do a masters degree then her PhD , giving up her full time job and working one day at a weekend , so hasn’t the time either .
Sister-in-laws DD was bought up by her grandparents, but that is a different story in itself. DH is run ragged with his demanding job so l help out as much as I can. However, these two seem to find time to go on spa days , go horse riding , go to book clubs , go to the gym , go out with friends whilst DH , myself and our daughter do the hospital runs , the gardening, the cleaning and generally making sure MIL is ok to the point we have no energy for anything else. On numerous occasions SIL and her DD have said that they know their mother:/ grandmother will be looked after by me , as they put it , as I’m used to looking after others because I looked after my own mother for 20 years .
Today husbands niece has put up a status on FB saying “ enjoying a well deserved rest and relaxation at my fav spa” . I feel like commenting “ I’m off to help your grandmother seen as though you’ve not got the time to help her.
It does make me so cross .

@CardinalCopia But that's the thing, you have no power to force her to move just as she has no power from preventing you from moving. She can raise all the protests she wants, but it doesn't have to stop you.

Where was her consideration for who would look after them when she left?
So one should ever move away from their parents?

I would get onto AgeUK and see what's available in your area. They offer all sorts, from befriending services to exercise classes. They will even come round and help someone to apply for benefits etc. I would look into Attendance Allowance and a Blue Badge and whatever else they suggest. Even if your mil doesn't want a stranger doing things for her in her house, she might enjoy getting a taxi to meet people or joining a class. Maybe she'd like to join SIL at a spa weekend too? The extra money from AA can help with all sorts of things.

Apart from that, I would look at trying to enjoy the time you spend helping her more. This might mean cutting back a bit or getting her more involved in things outside of her house.

I wouldn't reply to the FB post. We all make our choices and they don't have to help. I might unfollow them though.

I'd be interested to know if there are more family members around too. Can't help but notice the people doing the bulk of the work are primarily women and it's women who OP wants to relieve the burden. It may be that it so happens that the only adult family nearby happen to be 80% female, of course. But I've known some women who were expected to do more, sometimes by other women, simply by virtue of being female and who said no for this reason.

If her main problem is loneliness, then why not just visit socially, maybe food shop with her?

If she can't/won't look after her house then that's another matter & you surely do as much or as little as suits you?

It does sound as if she did a lot for her daughter & niece & it's sad for her that they don't even seem to visit, but maybe that's easier than getting drawn into doing what they don't want to?

MtotheG You can’t control what others do. You can only control what you do.

This. My anxiety and stress levels plummeted when I realised I was stressing about things out of my control and understood I can only control what I do.

I think you should step back and mil either has others come into her home or she does it herself.
Your sil and DN have made their boundaries clear and that is their choice. You have a choice too.
And to be fair neither of them are sitting around doing nothing.
Your mil sounds very demanding and you and DH need to create some boundaries of your own.

It is awful, I think every home has a similar sibling or siblings in some cases.
It is unfair, I've had arguments with 2 siblings over this, they haven't changed.

Well after reading some of these posts on here maybe I am a mug for caring so much about an elderly relative , but it’s in my nature to be caring . I really do think SIL and her DD are not interested in helping so come the day they may need some help i won’t be me giving it.
MIL has got a hospital appointment very soon and we’ve said we are not around to take her so husbands niece has said her husband will take MIL as SIL said she can’t possibly give her time up and neither can she.
As for people asking how many hours we spend at MILs I’m really unsure as we just get on with it and yes I do work as well .
SIL does go away on holiday aboard with MIL , but only goes because MIL pays for her to go , so l suppose she has to deal with her for 10 nights/days . Mind you SIL did start to complain about MIL being set in her ways and she won’t go anywhere different aboard . I did say “ well she does pay for you to go” . I think she forgot who she was actually speaking to. Don’t get me wrong I wouldn’t want to go on holiday with MIL would drive me crazy.
But I do get so cross that they can’t be bothered to help and make up excuses as to why they can’t, even though the excuses are untrue and have been caught out on numerous occasions.

Re: "will only allow family in the house:
...she's going to have very dusty skirting boards then!

It's manipulative nonsense and you are falling for it hook, line and sinker.

I bet if someone needed (by arrangement) to read the meter or fix a tap she would be fine. She's just rather have free cooking and cleaning from you and give her money to her daughter.

Find a highly recommended local cleaner - and I don't just mean by the standard of their cleaning but by being a friendly sort that has a chat, and a coffee- for lots of older people cleaners /gardeners/ hairdressers are a social time too and a good social relationship will do her the world of good. After the first visit she'll either be singing their praises or moaning that they chat/drink all her coffee and don't get any work done - but enjoying the grumble!

How does your husband's very demanding job excuse him from doing the caring duties, but your SIL's very demanding job isn't enough of an excuse? Is caring just a thing that females have to do?

Have you children, and are they doing the share that you expect of your niece? Or do you think the burden is falling on you, as you haven't had children?

I'd plan on working out a time share ratio; 1-1-1. One hour outside help, one hour SIL and did, one hour you and DH.
So, if she agrees to 4 weekly hours of outside help, sil can pitch in 4. I can't see many people agreeing to be ordered about like that!!

I am a mug for caring so much about an elderly relative , but it’s in my nature to be caring

That's great, wonderful, many people are caring. But just because someone is elderly doesn't mean they cannot be manipulative. Sometimes they don't even realise they are doing it, and do not consider the impact on the people they are asking for help from.

There is a difference between being there to help them when they need it, help them with medical appointment etc, and allowing yourself to be treated like a dogsbody.

OP - there's a difference between saying that you are caring, and saying there is only one acceptable way to ensure care is done, that's by one of the family personally.

Have you talked to SIL and spelt out how many hours MIL needs for cleaning, gardening, appointments? Have you said it's too much for you and what solutions she would come up with?

If your only solution is "family must give up their time, even if that means sacrificing work/hobbies/study", then you can't be surprised when others say no.

Really it sounds like it's too much for you and your family, and so paid for care is definately the way to go. Could MIL afford say a part time housekeeper? Someone who lives in, cleans, cooks, does the shopping, makes appointments and drive MIL to them etc?

re this appointment coming up, if MIL is still quite mobile and alert, would booking taxis not be an option? If not, why not?

SIL might have to accept that her Mum has less money to spend on her, including the regular holidays stopping, but perhaps if it's spelt out, she'd prefer that.

My mum was like this not wanting anyone in the home and then due to her being very I'll in hospital and dad going in to a home we organised a cleaner. After dad passed away she ended up in hospital again and she came out with a care package and now has daily carers. She talks about getting rid of them but that will not be happening. I would have a conversation with all parties and say that this help is not sustainable so she has to get some paid help even if that means not giving money to Sil. You are basically supporting Sil in a roundabout way. Mil is giving money to sil which could be used to pay for services which you are doing for free. I know she is not obliged to help but really taking money of her mother and doing nothing to help not something I could do with a clear conscience. Something will give sooner or later and this will put a strain on your marriage. What age is your mil. I help my mother with things she cannot do for herself but let her crack on with the things she can. She had a leaking tap and organised a plumber herself to fix it. She is early nineties and limited mobility.

And as pp have asked, what exact tasks are you dh and DD run ragged with doing, there really can't be gardening needing done daily, is she at Medical appointments weekly? Cleaning as pp said there cant be mountains needing done that take hours daily? Is it personal care you help with?

OP you said your MIL is active and seems to be solvent, I think it’s MIL who is a CF. Financially supports her DD, takes her abroad but expects you and DH to be her skivvies, just say no, she’s obviously not a poor frail wee old lady, she has lost her DH who probably waited on her hand & foot, it’s not your job to replace him. Tell her NO.

Tell them she’s going into a home and this will use up all her assets so expect nowt in the will.

The thing is OP, what you're doing is actually probably not in MILs interests. This is why you need to think carefully. It is better for her not to choose reliance on you for so much.

And if she's happy to see you run ragged so she doesn't have to pay a gardener, one could argue they're actually being pretty sensible being so selective about what they do.

It also sounds like a fairly large chunk of SILs leave she's using on going away with MIL. Sure she's not paying, but she evidently works hard when she's there.

MIL won’t have anyone other than family in her home. So having others come in is not an option

That's not their problem. And I'm not sure why you're making it yours as well.

And expecting to talk for an hour on the phone to her because she's lonely? I cannot think of a single person I would ever spend an hour on the phone to. It's ridiculous to expect that.

Also interesting when you say when it comes down to it, you won't help SIL, has it occurred to you that she wouldn't expect it from you?

Lots of people are prepared to downsize houses when they get too much for them, to buy in help rather than ask family to give up their free time.

You clearly are working from the priniciple that the only acceptable 'help' is family, not making life changes so you can cope without help, nor paying out for domestic services so you don't need to ask anyone to help out.

Really take a step back.

Cleaner/cook/housekeeper
Gardener
taxi service

these are options. If they can't be afforded, moving to a small flat that doesn't need hours of cleaning/gardening, also freeing up money to pay for help.

Your personal labour or your SIL's personal labour are not the only solutions. Your MIL can only dictate because you are prepared to do it.

Step back. How long can you cope like this?

I can tell you from bitter experience that unless you tell them you are no longer doing the running around for for MIL and back it up by not caving in, the CF'ing will continue because as far as they are concerned it's taken care of.

Your DH needs to be onboard and probably will not like the idea. At which point you need to leave it up to him to decide if he is going to deal with it or talk to his sibling and niece.

If you can manage it, an adult conversation with everyone can set the boundaries and the expectations but this only works if people are ready to deal with the situation.

It will be hard and they will all guilt trip you, however once you cave in they will carry on as normal.

Our family drama ended up with my dad dropping his FIL at his SIL house and telling her he's not coming back for a month at the very least. Your sister needs a break.

Ask yourself honestly, are they making up excuses because its clear you do/would disapprove of them refusing on truthful grounds? Ie because they just don't want to do work that could be outsourced.

I don't think they're being unreasonable for not being able to help as much as you'd like! SIL has a demanding job and a bloody horse to look after - both very time consuming - and her daughter's doing a PHD AND working at the weekends? Of course they're busy!! Why shouldn't they take some time to relax? If you want to take some time off then you should too. You said yourself that 1) your MIL is demanding and 2) she's mobile for someone who is in her 80s. Does she really need quite so much care or is she being demanding? If she is just being demanding, you don't need to take on the job yourself. Like a PP said, you can literally hire people to do the gardening, cleaning, help with shopping etc. Or if she's not just being demanding and can no longer take care of herself then perhaps you need to start thinking about some sort of care for her to ensure she is safe, well looked after and has everything she needs. You don't need to do it yourself and then be such a martyr about it. In the UK in this day and age very few people quit their lives and take on the care of elderly relatives themselves? Even if they'd like to, people can't! They don't have time - like your SIL and her daughter. I think you're being quite unreasonable to be honest. I honestly wouldn't quit my job, get rid of a beloved pet, or stop doing a PHD to take on my mother or grandmother's care by myself. I have a family to support and a life of my own - I physically couldn't even if I wanted to. What I would do is help her to put in place the care that is needed - be that just someone to help, or something more (i.e. some kind of assisted living).

Wisteria-
You are not a mug for caring and no one has said that.
It is very kind of you to accompany MIL to medical appointments when she must really value having family support and for visiting regularly and caring that she is lonely.

However you are a mug for allowing someone to manipulate you to do things that are causing you to burn out that they could easily pay for (*giving daughter money?) Or do for themselves.

You are doing MIL no favours by deskilling her, allowing her to isolate herself or allowing her to be more dependent than she needs to be.

Imagine 2 different scenarios in one year from now:

1. the status quo. You are run ragged being cleaner, gardener and taxi to MIL. MIL is still lonely. SIL and daughter make no effort and this upsets you. You and your husband regularly argue over it. You don't feel you can go on as you are and have no time for yourself.

2. After some tough love MIL has a cleaner once a week. You no longer do much cleaning. MIL also enjoys the cleaners company. Mil has a gardener once a month. You no longer do any gardening. MIL also has a home hairdresser monthly and enjoys this person's company too. MIL has an online shop delivered each week - it doesn't take you or your husband long to order this now as all her regular purchases are stored. MIL goes to a lunchbclub once a week. The minibus picks her up. You now have time to relax when you visit MIL or to go out for lunch or cake. You still take her to medical appointments and although they are inconvenient you think this is important. SIL and daughter don't visit but you let it wash over you. Sometimes you and your husband do something together. If MIL asks for your help and you have plans you say no and arrange to help another time. Sometimes it is something that her cleaner or gardener can help with and if it is you ring and ask.

Where do you want to be in a years time? I would say (although I am not pretending it is easy) if you are entirely scenario 1 you are doing yourself and your MIL a disservice.

Your MIL reminds me of my MIL. Utterly bereft after FIL died, unable to even change a lightbulb, had never filled her own car with petrol, but lives overseas (a short plane ride) from DH and SIL. Cue a few years of demanding help from everyone (including expecting DH to come over every weekend to garden for her) because she didn't want to pay for outside help (and she used the strangers in her home line many times). DH refused to do much beyond a monthly weekend visit. DSIL pandered for a few years before her own children brought things to a head when they refused to spend every other weekend taking the ferry/flying over to facilitate visits to MIL - which were then spent cleaning, gardening etc.

Once the family enablement stopped, MIL wised up. She downsized into sheltered type housing, paid for cleaners, gardeners, and for someone to take her to the hospital for visits etc, and now has a much better standard of living. And a tolerable relationship with her own DCs (though not with the DGCs who cannot forgive her for the strain she put on their childhood)