AIBU to think both my SIL and her DD are CFs

[wisteriablossom]

Need to rant or I’ll explode !
Long story short DH father passed away , lovely man and as a family we have , whilst he was ill and to this day we are giving MIL all the support we can. On a few occasions we have asked SIL and her DD , SIL single , DD 32 years old , married , no kids, to help out as MIL is quite demanding. SIL can’t help as much, so she says , as she has a demanding job and her horse to look after. Her DD has decided to do a masters degree then her PhD , giving up her full time job and working one day at a weekend , so hasn’t the time either .
Sister-in-laws DD was bought up by her grandparents, but that is a different story in itself. DH is run ragged with his demanding job so l help out as much as I can. However, these two seem to find time to go on spa days , go horse riding , go to book clubs , go to the gym , go out with friends whilst DH , myself and our daughter do the hospital runs , the gardening, the cleaning and generally making sure MIL is ok to the point we have no energy for anything else. On numerous occasions SIL and her DD have said that they know their mother:/ grandmother will be looked after by me , as they put it , as I’m used to looking after others because I looked after my own mother for 20 years .
Today husbands niece has put up a status on FB saying “ enjoying a well deserved rest and relaxation at my fav spa” . I feel like commenting “ I’m off to help your grandmother seen as though you’ve not got the time to help her.
It does make me so cross .

Sara I think I've asked twice (as have other pp) exactly what are these demanding, exhausting tasks Mil needs only family can help with and op has never responded, I'm beginning to think op wants to remain the stalwart holding the fort!

Sorry to hear you are in this position, but it’s possible your SIL and her DD are not interested in helping out because they don’t have a good relationship with your MIL. My MIL demanded care from her children, but only one DIL looked after her. We chose to visit, but not help out because my MIL was a sulky, demanding, manipulative woman (my DH’s description, though I agree with it). Your comment that MIL won’t have anyone other than family in her home. So having others come in is not an option is an eye-opener. This sounds like a massively manipulative and demanding attitude to me. Of course it’s an option. If she needs help, she can get it that way. I agree with other posters that you should take a step back and stop being a martyr. Perhaps tell your MIL that you can only give her one day a week, or 4 hours or whatever, but tell her you just can’t keep up your current pace. Your SIL and her DD have done what you should consider doing, and that is standing up for yourself and saying “no”.

Unfortunately you cannot make any one else step up if they choose not to. You can only be responsible for you.

You need to do what you feel comfortable with and as a previous poster suggested make sure you/MIL is claiming anything she is entitled to to pay for help.

This. You seem consumed with what your SIL and her daughter 'should' be doing. You have no control over other people's actions whatsoever, and you would be happier and feel more in control of your own life if you acknowledged that, and thought rationally about how much time you are prepared to give to MIL and her concerns, and not what other people 'should' be doing.

Nothing you represent the SIL and DN as doing seems unreasonable -- normal lives encompass work, study, seeing friends, hobbies, exercise etc. For some reason, you have chosen to prioritise someone else's preferences over your own social life/leisure etc, but you can't enforce that preference on someone else. It is your choice to do so much for your MIL that you and your husband have no energy or time for anything else.

Stop the surveillance of other people's lives. You'll be happier.

Pinkmalinky. Some people are shockingly selfish, yes. Others have good reasons to not leaning in. In my DHs case it was off the back of some really horrible narc behaviour from his mother all through his life. IME the most demanding of older people often were equally demanding and imperious in their younger years.

My DM is no better, BTW, just in case anyone accuses me of MIL bashing. My DSis enables her - more fool her.

Just stop op.

Only do what you are comfortable and happy to do, it is certainly not your job to make up for their lack of input. They will never step up to the plate all the while they have you doing everything.

Take a break. Look after yourself for a month or two. Message SIL and DN and tell them you are burnt out, you are taking time out. Leave it with them. Don't suggest that they do anything. Inform dh of your plans, and MIL and offer to help her book cleaners etc.

Until you take a quiet step back you will continue to feel this resentment.

If your MIL continues to request things ask her to contact SIL as you are having a well earned break.

SIL says she has a demanding job to her mother but DH and myself beg to differ as she teaches first aid . DN is studying for a masters at the moment and gave up a full time job to do it . She does however work one day a week if she’s needed . She will be doing her PhD next year . DN has decided to get involved with the student union as she’s twiddling her thumbs , her words not mine .
DH has told his mother that she can’t keep looking for problems, as we solve one she finds something else to fret over thus making our lives a misery until it’s sorted .
We’ve often say she should ring her DD if she needs anything but she just laughs and tells us that her DD is useless.
It’s awful to think I have not answered the phone when she rings because i just want piece and quite on my days off . But she won’t ring SIL or her GD because she knows they will do nothing or just ring me

Yabu.
You may choose to become a carer but you don't know their relationship, their job demands or financial details. You don't know and yet you judge.

This women's work, unpaid caring, is traditionally forced into women whether it's in their best interest or whether they can/would be good carers.

I think you're bang out of order op, and so are the posters telling you to post passive aggressive or sarcastic comments on social media.

Keep your judgemental, martyr nose out of what your other female relatives "should" be doing and focus on yourself.

Maybe you should try setting up realistic caring boundaries for yourself as a more productive use of energy?

Don't feel guilty for not answering the phone - you're perfectly entitled to a bit of free time.

What's becoming clear, the more you post , is that MIL either consciously or not is putting too much of a burden on you. It sounds like these problems are small and don't need to be solved straight away. Encourage MIL to speak to you on a frequent basis but try to wean her off calling for the slightest thing. Has she got a mobile- perhaps she could be encouraged to text as its less intrusive.

OP you sound run ragged and bitter ( totally understandable). Call a family meeting. Tell them you can't do it all and y o.j. need to have them help. Saying that, great they're going on holidays together!

Your MIL sounds like a cow TBH.

Your MIL sounds quite difficult. What do you actually do for her? Is she incapable of washing/getting dressed/cooking?

If she won't even go around to the neighbour for a cup of tea when invited then she is isolating herself - then she complains she is lonely?

And maybe the money she uses on your SIL and DN who don't give a crap about her anyway she could instead pay for a gardener every couple of weeks, cleaner and maybe sometimes a taxi/community bus to take her to the odd day out with people in similar position to her (our local villages have something like that in place for the elderly).

I do get so cross that they can’t be bothered to help

But in all fairness, is it that they "can't be bothered" or that they recognise MIL's manipulation for what it is and don't want to be sucked in?

I'm sorry, but some of her behaviour sounds downright unpleasant - denying your FIL care at home and expecting so much when your DH has been so ill, for example - which brings it right back to nastiness driving sources of help away. Nobody denies it's great to be caring, but "care" can equally mean helping her towards more independence rather than running yourself ragged - and as PPs have said, how will that work if you become too ill to help?

As said, all of this is absolutely your choice to make - but please don't blame others who perhaps see the situation more clearly for their own very valid choices

I think the more you post, the more it is clear the problem is MIL, not SIL's reaction to her demands.

It could be that SIL and DN are aware that however much they give, it will never be enough. And if MIL can be selfish about her needs, why can't her daughter and grandaughter be selfish about theirs?

If you take nothing else away from this thread, take away that most other MNers wouldn't think that it's acceptable to put their own lives on hold for an elderly relative who has other options, just choses not to use them.

Running yourself ragged is a temporary option, to be used just for a limited period of illness. But that's not the case here, this is a long term issue. You need a new solution.

Sit down with DH and talk though what options you think are reasonable, baring in mind you can't just allocate SIL and DN's time, and the current set up doesn't work.

I'm not saying abandon and ignore her but at least step back a little and don't grant every whim.

You can still offer a bit of help, pop round for a cuppa, take her to Drs apps but you don't need to do everything she tells you to especially if it's all down to being set in her ways rather than actual need.

Stop. Doing. Everything.

It has been said and echoed on this thread yet you don't even acknowledge these comments.
You're being a martyr and still complaining about your SIL and DN.

1. Post the FB comment
2. Stop doing everything for your MIL. Yes, it's a shit situation but sometimes we need to swallow our pride and accept help (in the form of a gardener, cleaner etc)
3. Stop moaning about your SIL, she's a selfish twat and constantly rehashing it will just make you more angry

Stop blaming them for not laying down next to you to be a doormat. Be mad at yourself and MIL for allowing this to happen.

"We’ve often say she should ring her DD if she needs anything but she just laughs and tells us that her DD is useless."

Wow-how nasty-tempting to say good for her daughter for steering clear!

"DH has told his mother that she can’t keep looking for problems, as we solve one she finds something else to fret over thus making our lives a misery until it’s sorted."

She really has got you jumping to her tune, hasn't she?

"It’s awful to think I have not answered the phone when she rings because i just want piece and quite on my days off"

Nope, not at all.

But you have created the situation you’re complaining so bitterly about, OP! Don’t pick up the phone, don’t be available all the time, go out with friends, commit to a regular hobby, and start saying ‘That doesn’t work for me’.

If your husband’s niece is doing an MA, she will probably be doing a dissertation at the moment, but regardless, you can’t go around bitching about how lazy two other people are 24/7. It must be exhausting for you as well as everyone else, the permanent atmosphere of disapproval!

You just aren't listening.

From your last post, your MIL is literally making demands purely to get her son dancing attendance on her.

Stop obsessing about your SIL and DN. You don't control them, and if they choose not to join you in the pointless getting dicked around, that is probably wise.

MIL needs paid help, and patient transport. You and your husband could then focus on phone calls and social visits, with holidays being your SIL's area.

MIL can't make your life a misery unless you let her. Stop letting her, and stop getting angry that other people are not letting her.

Maybe you should try setting up realistic caring boundaries for yourself as a more productive use of energy?

Best advice yet.

I wouldn't try to change sil or niece, if they wanted to do more they would and anything they feel forced to do will cause resentment & make the situation worse. I'd be very blunt with mil. " I have four free hours this week. So I can take you to your doctor appointment and we can get some shopping on the way back on Tuesday. Then on Friday I can either take you to the hairdressers or do a spot of housework". Or would she be agreeable to a cleaner and gardener when she wasn't in (at least initially until she gets used to the idea) so you could arrange for someone (maybe a retired couple looking to supplement their pension, I say this because it's the sort of thing my parents would do for older neighbours) to come for a couple of hours every fortnight to do the garden, do a deep clean inc changing beds, skirting boards etc and you could take her out.
My DH's gran was v set in her ways and too proud to accept help, unless from my mil (her dil), well mil died suddenly and everything was suddenly up in the air. My fil is useless at anything practical at the best of times never mind when he was grieving. My DH had to try and organise carers, and we had her name down for a room in more than one nursing home when I think something just clicked with gran. She was assessed by social care and entitled to the maximum no of daily career visits. We also got someone to do her cleaning and shopping. It meant we could deal with medical appointments and so on & visit because we wanted to see her, because the children liked to hear about things she remembered (eg the Titanic sinking!) not out of duty.

Custardcream virtually nobody is telling the OP to do nothing at all, and the people telling her to stop doing certain things that enable MIL and are actually harmful in the long term aren't the ones being shit. If you would encourage a friend or relative to carry on as OP is, deskilling MIL and being kind to be cruel, your advice isn't very good.

OP, YABU. For kind reasons, but YABU. You're totally failing to engage with the posts pointing out how you're not actually helping.

And honestly, the more I read about your MIL, the more I see exactly why they're saying no. You're talking about just phone calls, but it's very clear that the expectation from MIL and indeed you is that family assist with cleaning, gardening and the like, because she wants you to. I would worry about involving myself in that dynamic too, though I do take your point about the financial support.

But honestly, get her a gardener and a cleaner. And if you don't think she'd have it, ask yourself what would happen if you and DH were in a fatal car crash next week.

DH has told his mother that she can’t keep looking for problems, as we solve one she finds something else to fret over thus making our lives a misery until it’s sorted

I suppose it's good that somebody's saying something, but the continued nastiness in calling your SIL "useless" is only to be expected ... just another way of making it clear she wants you to do it all

For the same reason I wouldn't bother asking her to suggest solutions; almost certainly you'll simply get "Ooooo I don't know", "I'm living too long" (my ex MIL's favourite), or worse still a proposal to move in with you "to make it easier - and it won't be for long as I'll be dead soon"

In the end the answers don't lie with MIL ... they lie with you and DH, and only you can choose whether to help yourselves or not

This women's work, unpaid caring, is traditionally forced into women whether it's in their best interest or whether they can/would be good carers.

So much this.

Workplace studies on productivity in Australia specifically advised employers to consider the additional burden of duties that typically falls upon women in the home.

I cross posted with tawdry but that's some brilliant advice there.

I do note that you're downplaying SIL taking what must be a substantial chunk of her annual leave, a big deal when you've no partner to cover things like repairmen coming for emergencies, and acting as MILs companion and carer on holiday. Sure, she doesn't pay for the trip, but it's pretty clear that you think it's hard going. That should be acknowledged.