AIBU to think both my SIL and her DD are CFs

[wisteriablossom]

Need to rant or I’ll explode !
Long story short DH father passed away , lovely man and as a family we have , whilst he was ill and to this day we are giving MIL all the support we can. On a few occasions we have asked SIL and her DD , SIL single , DD 32 years old , married , no kids, to help out as MIL is quite demanding. SIL can’t help as much, so she says , as she has a demanding job and her horse to look after. Her DD has decided to do a masters degree then her PhD , giving up her full time job and working one day at a weekend , so hasn’t the time either .
Sister-in-laws DD was bought up by her grandparents, but that is a different story in itself. DH is run ragged with his demanding job so l help out as much as I can. However, these two seem to find time to go on spa days , go horse riding , go to book clubs , go to the gym , go out with friends whilst DH , myself and our daughter do the hospital runs , the gardening, the cleaning and generally making sure MIL is ok to the point we have no energy for anything else. On numerous occasions SIL and her DD have said that they know their mother:/ grandmother will be looked after by me , as they put it , as I’m used to looking after others because I looked after my own mother for 20 years .
Today husbands niece has put up a status on FB saying “ enjoying a well deserved rest and relaxation at my fav spa” . I feel like commenting “ I’m off to help your grandmother seen as though you’ve not got the time to help her.
It does make me so cross .

I think you and your DH need to book a nice holiday somewhere for 2 weeks. Then MIL will either need to get used to outside help or SIL and niece will need to step in,

My GPs refused to let anyone in and my poor DM and Daunt would drive for an hour every other weekend to do a full day of cleaning. I will not be doing that for my parents. I'm happy to increase the frequency of my visits as they get older and I did help when they needed help with hospital appointments or traveling, but I will not be cleaning another house when I struggle to keep my own clean in the hours I have, but I absolutely would try and find a cleaner for them if needed.

Don't post on FB it will cause nothing but drama.

I do find it interesting that you accept you have to cover for your husband, because of his job, but don't feel that your SIL's job should stand in the way of her caring for her mother.

It might be worth asking what would happen if you were working - what arrangements would need to be put in place? And putting those in place now. Otherwise I'm afraid an increasing burden will fall on you, and despite your caring nature you will become increasingly resentful of the relatives who are not pulling their weight.

I think this thread highlights the need for us to all start planning for the future for our parents and ourselves.
I've made it clear to my parents I won't be able to care for them (and after my DM experience of having a breakdown looking after my grandmother they are not expecting this). I work in healthcare so spend my days dealing with frail, elderly patients and family dynamics like this. They both know that when they retire they should start thinking about where they want to settle down (they are keen to move away from where they are now and would like to move to be closer to family while they are still able to get out and about and make a new social life).
Similarly, when the time comes for me I will sell up and downsize to an assisted living flat/sheltered accomodation. Somewhere close to a hospital and amenities so I am not living in the middle of nowhere unable to drive.
I will insist on dealing with my own finances, healthcare apts, hobbies etc for as long as I am able to. If I am unable to do something, then I will be hiring a cleaner, carer etc. I want to have a parent/child relationship with my DC and not my child acting like my parent. I will make my own decisions (even if they seem foolish to those younger than me) and I will expect (as per the law) to be respected in that.
Obviously things change. I may not even make it to old age, it's a privilege not everyone gets.

Sunni gives excellent advice above!

@HorridHenrysNits my husband does as much as he can and there is only himself and his sister no other siblings . SILs husband left years ago when their DD was very young . Hence why MIL and FIL put so much effort into making sure SIL was financially cared for.
MIL is very old fashioned as to whom she has in her house and she won’t even go round her neighbours when invited let alone let them into hers .
She wouldn’t have carers in when FIL was very ill he had to go into a nursing home . He was only there 4 weeks before he passed away. All he wanted was to be at home . But that’s something my MIL has to deal with.
It wouldn’t hurt SIL and DN to help occasionally. DH even has to ask them to ring MIL whilst we are away just so she’s spoken to someone. She says it does make a difference when she talks to others rather than us all the time.

Your MIL is choosing to isolate herself and then guilt tripping you because she is isolated.

But what help does she need?! Can she wash/dress/feed herself?

And she refused to have carers in her home to allow her husband to die as/where he wanted?

It's very frustrating when other siblings won't pull their weight but you can't make them and the only person upset here is you, they clearly don't care.

When my MIL was ill and receiving treatment my DH and I did everything, his 2 brothers and their wives visited occasionally but that was it. Life wasn't easy for us at the time but either we did it or no one did. I couldn't see my MIL struggle especially knowing how scared she was.

The way I rationalised it to myself was that if my DH had been an only child of course we would have done everything.

When MIL died suddenly after being expected to make a good recovery there was much wailing and nashing of teeth, que the "if only we'd known". DH and I can live with ourselves knowing we did our best for a very lovely lady, the rest of the family can't. I know who I'd rather be.

my husband does as much as he can

Maybe your SIL and DN feel they are doing as much as they can.

Your MIL is your problem here, not your SIL. She can do things for herself, and she could have people in to do the other stuff. The fact that she's choosing not to is NOT your SIL and niece's problem. Or yours.

YOU are choosing to wait on her hand and foot. You can be caring by visiting her and keeping her company regularly (and yes, here the toehr two could do their bit too), but all the practical stuff is stuff that you are martyring yourself in doing. There are other options, so your SIL and niece are under no obligation to help.

I can see it both ways to be honest.

Yes they could possibly do more. Have you tried saying 'MIL has an appointment on 15th can you do it please?' I think it would be fair enough to expect them to help with this.

However - you do sound like a martyr. I wouldn't and couldn't do the amount that you do for someone. I work full time, have my own house/garden/child to look after plus other stuff. I couldn't possibly do all of someone elses cleaning and gardening for them as well. I have a horse too and why shouldn't she ride him. Do you expect her to sell him? Would that make you happy? I would be really pissed off if every time I put I had done something for me on Facebook someone sniped that I should be cleaning MIL's skirting boards.

I think you all need to sit down and decide what is reasonable and what actually needs doing.

I don't think you are being unreasonable OP. You just sound more caring than the other two. Of course it's nicer to be cared for by family than by strangers and for many people that's a way of life. Unfortunately, it will always fall to the kind and conscientious more than those who can't be bothered.
If you take your SIL and her DD out of the equation, and you are just run ragged, you d need to get help, particularly as your MIL's needs are likely to increase as time goes on. The garden for me would be the place to begin, since she wouldn't need to have anyone in her house. Can she afford a gardener? If so, great. If not, I'd be tempted to say you can't do it any longer on top of everything else and tell SIL and her DD they need to help or contribute to the cost of outside help. I doubt you will have much luck but it's worth a shot.
I wouldn't do the FB post but I would challenge every comment along the lines of 'you're used to it'. It's just more comfortable for them to think like that and it needs to be refuted.

@Tawdrylocalbrouhaha
I cover for my husband because that’s what he did for me when my own mother was in need of help .
DN gets her husband to the occasional hospital run for MIL as she’s far to busy to do it herself .
When FIL was in hospital , MIL was away with SIL. DH asked DN if she could see her granddad in hospital as we couldn’t go , she said yes it’s not too far from work ( this is when she was working) only for DH to find out she didn’t go because she had got other things on but had not said anything to us. We later find out she’d posted on FB she was catching up with her favorite program that night and that’s where she stayed all night .

SIL only until recently worked 1/2 mile from where her mother lives and couldn’t even be bothered then with her .
Perhaps it’s me, perhaps I should start to be like them.

OP- I am suggesting this with kindness and I hope you take it that way. Would it be worth looking at some private counselling to explore your relationship with your DM and DMIL, SIL and DH and figure out why you feel that you can't say no to MILs demands.

You need to find a middle ground.

You don't have to not bother at all like SIL, but you don't have to be MIL's PA to the extent that you're doing manual labour for her that can be outsourced and that she can afford just because it's what she wants (not needs).

@TheBossOfMe
They may well think that but DH has a stressful job also but had a major stroke a few years ago , which he has now recovered from. So I don’t think they are being very fair .

I don't get people who are saying why is the OP being a martyr and to just stop helping. You must be really shit people to have as family or friends. Sometimes we have to do things we would rather not because they're the right things to do!

I would call the SIL and daughter out to be honest and ask why they have time for spa days and such shit but no time for mother/grandmother.

DH is run ragged with his demanding job so l help out as much as I can.

I'm sure your husband did support you with your mother's care, but you made clear in your OP that the main reason you have taken on so much of your MIL's care is because your husband works. As does your SIL, but she does not have a non-working partner to cover her. My point was that, like many women, the burden is falling on you because you are not protesting about your important and demanding job, and they are.

I still think you should all be putting in place the arrangements that would be needed if you worked full time, rather than dumping it all on you, or trying to shift it onto the other female family members.

I also (rightly or wrongly) think grandchildren should not bear much responsibility for caring for their grandparents if the middle generation is alive and well.

@wisteriablossom - having been on the other side of this (DH and I were your SIL and DN), I can assure you that the only person being unfair is your MIL. She is the one person who could alleviate the burden on you (other than you yourself), and is choosing not to, preferring to seeing you run ragged instead.

You say yourself that SIL has a demanding job, and DN is studying for a PHD and working as well. Neither of them are sitting idle. They are just choosing, rightly, to prioritise their own future and wellbeing over someone who has alternatives, but chooses not to use them.

stop doing it and tell them they'll have to pay for her care she isn't your blood relative, she has enough of those.
If you are daft enough to do it, they'll continue to let you.

@MissPhonic
Omg private counseling because i think SIL n her DD should help with their mother/grandmother . Best yet lol

You're not listening, OP.

Let go of the SIL and niece thing for a minute, because that's really not going to fundamentally change.

Now let's focus on your MIL. What are the needs that only you can fulfil? I'm going to go with company, and maybe the shopping (you know her tastes)

The gardening, the cleaning and DIY can be done by others. And now it's time for YOU to be demanding, and to care about yourself and your husband.
You have to say to her that you're no longer able to do everything. Blame your husband's health if you want to. The first couple of times a cleaner or gardener comes, be there too. Let her get to know them. Talk to Age Concern to get advice about how to persuade someone like her to accept outside help. This will happen ALL the time, and they'll be used to it.

If you're not prepared to do that, then the problem is with you, and yes, you are martyring yourself because you're 'caring'. And you're de-skilling your MIL. It's not even as though she deserves it. She doesn't sound very nice at all.
You can't complain about being run ragged when you're actively choosing to do it instead of getting outside help.

Ask yourself this - what would happen if there was no SIL/DN? And then do that.

I find it appalling that anyone could allow their child/DIL/DGD run ragged to help them when they could help themselves. Being old doesn't mean you get to exploit others.

I think your SIL is my MIL . This is an eerily similar situation.

My DH’s Grandma died just over a year ago making DH’s Grandad a widow. MIL always makes excuses not to visit him, it’s always her ‘busy job’ and caring for her horses- this is why I thought your SIL was my MIL tbh. DH goes out of his way to see his Grandad every single day if possible to make sure he isn’t lonely, MIL just doesn’t want to make the effort for her own father.

Some people are shockingly selfish.