AIBU to think both my SIL and her DD are CFs

[wisteriablossom]

Need to rant or I’ll explode !
Long story short DH father passed away , lovely man and as a family we have , whilst he was ill and to this day we are giving MIL all the support we can. On a few occasions we have asked SIL and her DD , SIL single , DD 32 years old , married , no kids, to help out as MIL is quite demanding. SIL can’t help as much, so she says , as she has a demanding job and her horse to look after. Her DD has decided to do a masters degree then her PhD , giving up her full time job and working one day at a weekend , so hasn’t the time either .
Sister-in-laws DD was bought up by her grandparents, but that is a different story in itself. DH is run ragged with his demanding job so l help out as much as I can. However, these two seem to find time to go on spa days , go horse riding , go to book clubs , go to the gym , go out with friends whilst DH , myself and our daughter do the hospital runs , the gardening, the cleaning and generally making sure MIL is ok to the point we have no energy for anything else. On numerous occasions SIL and her DD have said that they know their mother:/ grandmother will be looked after by me , as they put it , as I’m used to looking after others because I looked after my own mother for 20 years .
Today husbands niece has put up a status on FB saying “ enjoying a well deserved rest and relaxation at my fav spa” . I feel like commenting “ I’m off to help your grandmother seen as though you’ve not got the time to help her.
It does make me so cross .

Unfortunately you cannot make any one else step up if they choose not to. You can only be responsible for you.

You need to do what you feel comfortable with and as a previous poster suggested make sure you/MIL is claiming anything she is entitled to to pay for help.

Be selective how you use your time to benefit MIL the most so for example the online shopping and having a gardener /cleaner (even if all the gardener does is strim a couple of times a year to stop the house disappearing into the undergrowth) saves your time so that you and MIL have time to socialise together and if she is well enough pop out for tea and cake etc.

Dont martyr yourself to MILs jobs though. If she wants her garden immaculate and plants tended she will have to do it herself or pay a gardener.

You don't mention that MIL needs help cooking, feeding or personal care, in fact you mention she is quite demanding - so if you want to go on a spa day it goes like this "I won't be coming over this Saturday MIL I'm going on a spa day".

Good luck

I'm with the others - just send it on facebook!!

Absolutely I would write that on her post. Sorry to say but you are being taken for a mug. I'm all for sharing the burden of care for our elderly dps , but they obviously have not thought to do so.

I'd be tempted to post...Well earned rest from what ? certainly not looking after your Grandmother

NB I say these things in my head but wouldn't actually post

i would casually mention that MIL has compensated you and dh for the care work you do for her in her will - so DH's 'inheritance' has been adjusted........watch how quickly they change their tunes
it helps if MIL is in on the game too

Take a step back, don't martyr yourself.

Can MIL not afford to pay a gardener or cleaner? How much of both does she realistically need?

Been here with my own DM and sisters looking after my grandmother. DM did all the work, sisters swan in and out when they please enjoying lives. I used to feel very bitter until I realised that DM was being a martyr and my grandmother was giving up any independence she had because she knew my DM would do it. DM was run ragged and ended up having a breakdown, grandmother became very verbally abusive to my DM.

In hindsight? I dont bloody blame my aunts. Their families havent been ruined by a breakdown or all the time spent lost as a young teen when my DM has jumping to attention whenever my grandmother called.

So honestly? Don't say anything, you are the one making the decision to do all of the running around. Time for your MIL to help herself (with gentle encouragement if needed).

You seem to have differing opinions on how much care MiL needs. It doesn't seem clear that she does need the kind of care that runs you ragged, or if it does, perhaps the best place for her is in a residential home.

It's not obligatory that people put their lives on hold for a number of years to look after an elderly relative. That is what care homes are for.

Seems like you don’t want to help your mil which is fair enough. You don’t have to. As pp have said she’s not your mum. If your DH and his sister don’t want to do the caring then let them arrange an alternative

There's no good reason whatsoever to run yourself ragged gardening for someone else.

Nor should a single person living by themselves really generate an insurmountable amount of cleaning. It's SO much easier to keep a place tidy by yourself.

I suspect from your posts (happy to be corrected), that you're trying to keep things as they are? Garden preened, skirting boards dusted etc? If so, MIL will have to accept that there's limited value in your doing these things and running yourself ragged to do so.

She can demand all she likes, but SHE will have to adjust to change.

I would lay a bet that if she were easier going, they'd be more willing to give the help she ACTUALLY needs.

you are a bit BU too.

I wouldn't deal with my own mother's cleaning and gardening. If she needs helps, I'll be there and would try really hard to be around for medical problems and emergencies. For day-to-day chores, you need another system. There's helping out, and there's taking over everything, which is a choice.

I am in a similar situation myself, with me and DH being the only ones who do much/care for my elderly parents. It has caused friction in the past with my siblings but in reality the real issue was that I was giving more than I could afford to give and trying to compensate for the lack of support from others.

It is kind and caring to look after our elderly parents, particularly when they are recently bereaved, but you describe your MIL as 'demanding' and I wonder if she can be a bit like my parents and will take and take without giving any consideration to your life and it's demands. I may be off the mark here, but it maybe time to put your boundaries up and only give what you can (without resenting it), maybe then other family members may step in or your MIL may get outside help.

You have my sympathy and best wishes.

Have you tried telling them to do something?

'SIL, MIL has a hospital appointment on the 8th, you'll need to deal with that'
"SIL, you'll need to trim the lawn this weekend'
and then step back.

Spell it out. Don't do it yourself.

As an aside, my SIL told my DH when we were looking to move away that she couldn't come home and look after her parents as 'it's such a lovely village I live in'.
Some people are wankers.

If OP pulls back then MIL suffers

Would she though? We can't possibly know, but since OP described her as "demanding" (though apparently quite mobile) it may be that MIL enjoys having someone at her beck and call rather than needing it. While the comment about OP "being used to doing it" was unfair, it may also be that the others know MIL needs to do more for herself and don't want to be part of encouraging dependency

On the whole I agree about getting a few paid services involved - gardener, cleaner, taxis, whatever. MIL may well complain, but in the end it could work better for everyone

Is what MIL is asking for help with reasonable?

When you say cleaning and gardening surely that is just a once a week/fortnight job for a couple of hours.

DH , myself and our daughter do the hospital runs , the gardening, the cleaning and generally making sure MIL is ok to the point we have no energy for anything else

You really don't have to do all her cleaning , gardening etc. Contact Age UK for help at home, instead of running yourselves ragged. I think SIL might have the right idea.

I'd write it

@CardinalCopia I don't understand? You can move away but your SIL can't decide where she lives?

Set up a family WhatsApp group that doesn't include mil. Mention how upset you are at the status and that your family are overwhelmed a d need their support. If they can't physically attend then they can help pay for cleaning and gardening. They can drop off groceries during the week. What does your mil need? What she wants or demands is another matter.

YANBU! I'd be fuming too

I'd need to know more about MILs health and personality/behaviour before judging them.

They're not obligated to haunt their lives to care for her. What you choose to do is not their responsibility.

@MissPhonic My SIL moved away 15 years ago and pretty much comes home when it suits. At the time DH worked a job that was a 170 mile round trip daily. We looked to move slightly closer but so we were still within a distance we could be back for Inlaws. This was the point we were told we couldn't move away because she wasn't coming back to look after them. Moot point really as neither were ill.

She has made it pretty clear that in the even MIL needs care she won't be back to help. As it happened DH got a local job so we never made the move.

We have tried to take a step back to see if they would help but they don’t really want to know. Or if they do, which is once in a blue moon, we never hear the last of it.
I feel so sorry for my MIL as she says she gets lonely. Having someone in your life for over 60 years and then all of a sudden they’re gone it’s bound to make someone feel alone.
FIL and MIL gave their daughter and granddaughter so much support , financially, emotionally and were the main child carers so SIL did have to worry paying out money , (MIL still does financially support SIL ) . Its so sad that they don’t even want to phone her. As DH niece put it “I can’t possibly talk to nan for an hour, I haven’t the time”
We really don’t mind doing our bit if others meet us half way. But, I do think they have a cheek saying and expecting me to look after MIL for them .

@wisteriablossom We have had a similar problem with my DH's family. Cut a very long story short, MIL became poorly, and she passed away very quickly following a short illness. We have been left with FIL who is next to useless at personal care, housekeeping etc. We (DH and I) have worked hard at improving his quality of life etc at home, without trying to do ourselves in, and SIL and BIL do NOTHING or very little! Everything is left to us, so we have started to look at the option of outside carers and maybe sheltered accommodation. I know DH is struggling with the idea, however, I cant keep doing everything. It is exhausting, and with us both working full time, it has become a level of caregiving that neither of us could continue full time. My advice, give up as much as you can get away with, as it wont get any better. From someone who knows, the false promises will be there, hope will ensue, and yet nothing ever changes. Hope things work out for you x x

@wisteriablossom perhaps it would help if you could clarify just how much of this help is needed rather than simply wanted?

We can all share our experiences and thoughts, but it's a bit hard to offer decent advice without knowing the real situation ...