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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to bankroll DC if she moves in with her boyfriend?

222 replies

Dontwannabeadoormat · 26/06/2019 16:35

This is a theoretical situation but one DD and I have already fallen out over!
DD is a student who lives away from home in a houseshare with friends. We currently pay most of her rent and she gets a student loan for fees and some maintenance.
She has a lovely boyfriend and was musing about maybe moving in together, just her and him, next academic year. He will be working full time next year.
I said that if she lived as partners in a one bed flat it would be exciting of course, and the next big step in her life, but we would re-evaluate how we support her financially as they would be a new little unit, with him earning a decent salary.

She thinks this is awful and that we should continue to pay her rent just as before, and called my views archaic. I have a gut feeling that it seems a bit exploitative to set up home but still have mum and dad pay for it all. I didn't expect a penny once I moved in with my boyfriend- was a postgrad student though and worked evenings at a call centre to pay my way.
What do you all think? Have you been in this situation?

OP posts:
Toooldtobearsed2 · 26/06/2019 16:37

I think you should bank roll her as you expected to and allow her to maintain some independence.
Why would you not?

PatrickMerricksGoshawk · 26/06/2019 16:38

She will still be a student with limited earning power. If you're paying her rent in a houseshare, you should continue to offer the same support throughout her time at university.
Why do you want her to be financially dependent on a boyfriend?

drspouse · 26/06/2019 16:40

Does she think you'll be paying the entire rent on the one bedroom?

Will her half of the rent in a one bed be more than her share in a student house?

FrancesFryer · 26/06/2019 16:40

I think i would pay her half, subject to your upper limit, as if she were living in student accommodation.
I wouldn't be contributing to council tax though add students don't pay

hsegfiugseskufh · 26/06/2019 16:41

I don't think she needs bank rolling as her boyfriend is earning, why cant she get a part time job?

she cannot expect you to pay for anything.

thedevilinablackdress · 26/06/2019 16:41

Are you kidding? She's still a student, yes?
Why would you stop supporting her?
Because she's moving in with a partner they should support her???
Nope, don't get it.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 26/06/2019 16:41

Why would you want her to be financially dependant on her boyfriend so young. You like him, don’t disapprove of the relationship, are financially able to assist your DD - why would you not continue as planned.

Drum2018 · 26/06/2019 16:41

A house share will probably be cheaper so you could continue to pay that amount if she moves (assuming that was the plan for her college years) but she will just have to work to make up any balance.

Toooldtobearsed2 · 26/06/2019 16:42

Sorry, that was a bit short. But you were happy to help her until a man came along?
I only have sons.
But youngest (many moons ago) moved in with boyfriend. We continued with the financial support to give him options. He was at uni, bf was working. Without our financial support, he would have been totally dependent on his bf at the time.

As it happens, fifteen years later, they have been married for nine years. But who knows what might have happened?

Original poster
Dontwannabeadoormat · 26/06/2019 16:43

We pay a fixed monthly amount at the moment and she thinks it would stay the same- whereas I thought it would go down (as the rent for 1 bedroom would be shared between them).
I wouldn't pay nothing, but it just feels wrong to be subsidising their joint household. I can't really explain it better than that!

OP posts:
Pinkfinkle · 26/06/2019 16:43

Most students work part time. Tell her to get a job.

AryaStarkWolf · 26/06/2019 16:44

I don't see why you would stop paying what you already are, if it's more expensive though I wouldn't pay any extra. Why do you think he b/f should pay her way?

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 26/06/2019 16:44

She would still be a student so not unreasonable at all for you to carry on supporting her. I'd be more worried about what she would miss out on and where she would live if they split up

needsomesleepy · 26/06/2019 16:45

I would continue to support my DC while they were still a student. Whether they lived in a flat with 5 other people or 1 would be of no consequence.

FarTooMuchWashing · 26/06/2019 16:46

I think that if I was planning to pay her rent throughout university, then who she flat shares with is pretty irrelevant (with the exception of abusive bf or friends).
If you don't and I was her, I would say ok, enter a flat share with friends (which presumably you would 'bankroll') and then I would probably end up staying over at bf's most of the time anyway (but I'd then have to lie about it to you). This is what gradually happened with me and DH - when we met, he was in halls, and as time progressed, he spent more and more at my flat, although mine was also a flat share. I suppose the difference is our parents knew, and as we started off in separate houses, the rent on his room in halls had to be paid for the year regardless, and I had to pay mine.

ZenNudist · 26/06/2019 16:51

I would expect her to make up the shortfall between sharing with say 3 friends and sharing with a boyfriend. Has she thought how it will be more expensive sharing costs 2 ways? Plus not eligible for student (term time only?) rents. They will have council tax too with 25% discount as boyfriend is the only person owing it. They should still split that bill.

SWBVVU to expect him to fund her. Unless they are at marriage level commitment.

Yes sure its nicer to live in a 2 person flat share but most students have to put up with more flatmates to keep costs down.

Now is the time for her to learn the value of money and having to compromise on what she wants v. What she can afford.

My parents paid my term time rent at uni and gave me small budget for food and bills. I used loan as well for fun and spends and had a job, saved up so I could go out and have fun.

Its more complicated when shes coupled up. Set a budget similar to this year and stick to it.

Original poster
Dontwannabeadoormat · 26/06/2019 16:52

That's exactly what she said FarTooMuchWashing!

OP posts:
ZenNudist · 26/06/2019 16:55

X post.

I see she thinks she can get you to pay all the rent on a one bed and the boyfriend live for free. That takes the piss.

EarlGreyOfTwinings · 26/06/2019 16:55

If she is still a student, I would pay the same - regardless of who her roommate is.

I would make it very clear that if they decide to have a baby at some point, it means they are independent enough and wouldn't need any further financial help whatsoever from us.

Once she starts working, no, I wouldn't support her financially if she is living with her boyfriend. If they are adult enough to move in together, they are adult enough to pay their way.

I can't discourage my kids to have a serious relationship too early - or worst, a family - but I would not encourage it in any shape or form.

needsomesleepy · 26/06/2019 16:56

I see she thinks she can get you to pay all the rent on a one bed and the boyfriend live for free. That takes the piss.

That is not what OP has said.

AlaskanOilBaron · 26/06/2019 16:58

On principle at this point I’d say if my children (boys) are old enough to live with a girlfriend, they’re old enough to pay their own way.

Might change my mind but this is my current thinking.

Loopytiles · 26/06/2019 16:58

I would have concerns, but to withdraw funds seems controlling.

Think I would continue to give her £X per month/year, to use as she chooses. And a copy of a legal guide to cohabitation!

needsomesleepy · 26/06/2019 17:00

On principle at this point I’d say if my children (boys) are old enough to live with a girlfriend, they’re old enough to pay their own way.

But their circumstances haven't changed. They are still a student.

AlaskanOilBaron · 26/06/2019 17:02

My point is more they’re not old enough.

ComeAndDance · 26/06/2019 17:04

I wouod want to know what she wouod be doing if they split up.

I know it’s a bit of negative way to look at things but I would actually prefer a situation like the one of @FarTooMuchWashing and knowing she can go back to be in her flatshare if things go wrong than taking the risk of her being wo anywhere to stay or staying because she has nowhere to stay.
Once she will be working, it’s a different ball park

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