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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to bankroll DC if she moves in with her boyfriend?

222 replies

Dontwannabeadoormat · 26/06/2019 16:35

This is a theoretical situation but one DD and I have already fallen out over!
DD is a student who lives away from home in a houseshare with friends. We currently pay most of her rent and she gets a student loan for fees and some maintenance.
She has a lovely boyfriend and was musing about maybe moving in together, just her and him, next academic year. He will be working full time next year.
I said that if she lived as partners in a one bed flat it would be exciting of course, and the next big step in her life, but we would re-evaluate how we support her financially as they would be a new little unit, with him earning a decent salary.

She thinks this is awful and that we should continue to pay her rent just as before, and called my views archaic. I have a gut feeling that it seems a bit exploitative to set up home but still have mum and dad pay for it all. I didn't expect a penny once I moved in with my boyfriend- was a postgrad student though and worked evenings at a call centre to pay my way.
What do you all think? Have you been in this situation?

OP posts:
Graphista · 26/06/2019 18:04

I think some clarification is needed.

Is she asking for you to pay more than you are currently?

Will she be paying less than she is currently if splitting costs evenly with the boyfriend?

If you're not being asked to pay more I'm not sure I understand what your objection is? Is it moral? Is it concern for her welfare? Is it envy because you weren't able to enjoy a similar setup?

Honestly as the mother of an 18 year old myself I wouldn't want my dd financially dependent on a boyfriend for the roof over their head. I also don't see why it would be considered fair for boyfriend to support your dd.

I don't understand how you're happy to support her if she's sharing with friends but not if she's living with a boyfriend.

OldAndWornOut · 26/06/2019 18:06

I don't understand why not being subsidised by parents means that the boyfriend would have to do it.

I'm sure she is more than capable of contributing, but I would adjust the amount, depending on her outgoings whilst she lives with her boyfriend.

HiJenny35 · 26/06/2019 18:08

What he earns is irrelevant, he shouldn't be expected to bankroll your daughter. It's very controlling that you are willing to pay for her to live with other students but not with her bf. Surly you want her concentrating on study not working to pay her share I don't see how that differs because she is living with bf or are you suggesting that now she has a bf your monetary responsibility is now passed on to him, rather outdated view.

RaininSummer · 26/06/2019 18:08

I don't think living with your boyf when you are a student necessarily makes you a family. I do think a flat is a bit of a luxury. They could rent two rooms, or one, in a shared house. I would pay whatever her rent would have been or less. Not all students are able to work , depends on the course. Talk to her about options if it goes tits up though. Make sure she will have space and quiet to study if he is not a student. And if it too pricey she either needs a job it thinks again. Does she realise she will have bills which she may not currently have?

onceandneveragain · 26/06/2019 18:10

I agree with those who say it seems mean and controlling of you, also dodgy to encourage financial dependence on a boyfriend at such a vulnerable stage of life (age, not working herself). Your "similar" circumsntaces of being older, doing a post grad and working are very different. Both living expenses and uni were much much cheaper twenty to thirty years ago, and finance for first degrees and post grad are very different, with funding for first degrees actively based on assumed parental contributuon.

If you are happy to pay x amount towards her rent then who does it matter who she shares with? Yes one shared bedroom will be cheaper than two, but a private flat will be much more expensive than one (or even two) rooms in a shared house so it will even out.

If you don't agree to pay she will probably just stay in her houseshare anyway but stay over her boyfriends every night so you will get even less 'value' for your money!

tictac86 · 26/06/2019 18:16

No I wouldn't pay for her rent.

BlueCornsihPixie · 26/06/2019 18:18

Your being ridiculous.

It literally makes no difference to you who she lives with, as a student she's getting reduced loan because you are still expected to support her. If you still pay the same I don't see why it matters? Just say I will pay x

Tell you what, instead of moving into a one bed how about she gets a two bed flatshare with a flatmate, a flatmate who happens to be her bf. That way she's just renting a room, in a houseshare.

It's not entitled to want to start living with your bf ffs. It might not even be more expensive, DP is paying less now in our 2 bed than as a student! (Same city). She might be able to live somewhere nicer as well if he's working, as they can go for non-student properties.

blibblibs · 26/06/2019 18:19

Years ago (early 90's)when I lived with my then DP I worked full time, I think taking home about £800. DP was a full time student and his parents paid half of the rent. We would never had been able to afford it otherwise and were on the bones of our arse even with their help. They had paid his rent when we lived in shared accommodation and although I can't remember the amounts I know their contributions didn't go up, although they did start bring spares from their kitchen cupboard when they visited!

BlueCornsihPixie · 26/06/2019 18:20

Yes I also agree that what he earns is completely irrelevan, and I don't really know why you felt the need to include it.

Bungalowblues · 26/06/2019 18:20

so hypothetically what if it doesn't work out and they split up after 6 months? would the OP be expected to cover the entire cost of the rent if the boyfriend leaves or to fund moving costs if the daughter wants to leave?

Sorry but there is risk involved in setting up home with someone, which as an independent adult you accept and deal with yourself. There is no risk involved in the current flat share and therefore no potential financial ramifications for the OP. Also those saying that you make her vulnerable by not supporting her financially when she moves in with someone, she needs to be financially independent all round when entering into living with someone otherwise its not an equal relationship. What if there is a sudden bill that needs to be paid? would the boyfriend be expected to pick up the bill because she is a student? that automatically changes the dynamic of the relationship anyway. It wouldn't actually be fair on the boyfriend either.

At the moment her expenses are accounted for as a single person. More predictable and less risk.

You can't just have things because you want them. You need to work for them and plan properly. This will be a good life lesson about standing on her own two feet and being an equal financial partner in a relationship rather than starting off as living off others.

herculepoirot2 · 26/06/2019 18:23

It doesn’t seem right to make her financially dependent on her boyfriend. I can’t see why things have to change, personally.

BlueCornsihPixie · 26/06/2019 18:25

What do want to happen OP?

Do you want her to not move in with him? Or him to financially support her, because realistically those are her two options.

She can get a job, but as a student I wouldn't want her reliant on a job for rent. To top up after rent fair enough, but there will be periods when she has lots of uni work and might not be able to work as much. It leaves her vulnerable.

Winsomelosesome · 26/06/2019 18:25

She would still be a student so not unreasonable at all for you to carry on supporting her

And what if she wants to do a master's or PhD, should her parents support her indefinitely? MN is so MC, most ordinary folk can't afford to continue paying for their DC once they're adults, she can get a job. I did a degree whilst raising a toddler alone and working 30 hours a week, it's perfectly doable.

Thegoodandbadlife · 26/06/2019 18:34

I’ve lived this year with my boyfriend and both are students. The rent and everything was split 50/50 and how mine was funded was up to me. My maintenance loan covered my rent and foodbill etc was funded either by myself or parents (weren’t in a position to cover the difference despite student finance thinking otherwise). The thing is your daughter is still a student and I presume if she wasn’t living with her boyfriend you’d be funding it next year. I don’t see why this should be difference. She’s chosen her boyfriend as her flat mate next year so no difference. Only time I would agree with you is if she wasn’t a student. I think you’re being very mean and unreasonable treating next year as a different situation then the one this year. She’s still a student at the end of the day - not someone who can’t be asked to work and is trying to sponge of the parents.

amsingleagain · 26/06/2019 18:36

Is her boyfriend moving into a flat anyway?? If so, let him crack on and do that. He can't get any less than a one bedroom so its not like her living with him will cost him any more money. As you say, she could live with her mates and stop over at his, as and when. That will show to her that he isn't just using her for extra income and a reduction in council tax. She doesn't want to alienate herself from the student scene either I would have thought x

Original poster
Dontwannabeadoormat · 26/06/2019 18:36

In response to BlueCornishPixie's question- what do i want to happen?

Thinking about it just now, I suppose I would ideally like DD to see moving in with her boyfriend as a big step into independent adult life. As such I would expect her to also be financially independent of us. As she can't yet be financially self-sufficient I'd expect her to wait until she has graduated in a year or else get a part-time job.

A bit like people used to plan and save to move in together in the past (the only difference being that they usually got married!)
waits to be shot down in flames

OP posts:
MsRabbitRocks · 26/06/2019 18:38

This is NOT a luxury it's a part of maintaining an adult relationship.

Rubbish

You sound financially controlling

Even more rubbish.

AlaskanOilBaron · 26/06/2019 18:41

It literally makes no difference to you who she lives with, as a student she's getting reduced loan because you are still expected to support her. If you still pay the same I don't see why it matters? Just say I will pay x

I wouldn't want my kids to live with a lot of people before they're married - it's a big step and not to be taken lightly. I also would prefer that my kids not get bogged down in a heavy relationship when they're students.

So it matters to me who the live with, and as long as they're on my payroll, I'll exert my influence.

needsomesleepy · 26/06/2019 18:41

Financially controlling? Are you having a laugh? We are talking about a 20 year old. Come off it. Lets not devalue serious issues like financial abuse.

Yes it is financially controlling to say ' we will pay towards your living costs, but only if you live in X, not Y set up'

Nobody is calling it abusive, just controlling.

NeedAUsernameGenerator · 26/06/2019 18:42

I don't think it's a great idea to live with a boyfriend at uni. What if things go wrong- she will be financially entangled and could have to either pay double rent or drop out of her course and move home if she can't find anywhere to live. I actually think paying for a room in a house share and spending most of her time at her boyfriend's is a much better solution because it has a get-out.

LolaSmiles · 26/06/2019 18:42

I think it's unwise to be moving in with a boyfriend as a unit whilst at university. In the event of a split she could have nowhere to live (he could probably afford the rent alone) and be tied into a tenancy agreement for months.

She's at university to study and has a perfectly reasonable accommodation option available. If she spends some more time around her boyfriends then fine, but I can empathise with the OP's reservations.

needsomesleepy · 26/06/2019 18:43

And what if she wants to do a master's or PhD, should her parents support her indefinitely

I don't know. That would be up for discussion surely, just as the living costs during her degree were and OP agreed to contribute. Whether she contributes towards further study isn't the issue, it is that she wants to withdraw that previously agreed contribution, based on where her DD lives.

MsRabbitRocks · 26/06/2019 18:44

Yes it is financially controlling to say ' we will pay towards your living costs, but only if you live in X, not Y set up'

No it isn’t.

Rosemary46 · 26/06/2019 18:45

People on MN are always saying that couples who live together are just as committed as those who are married and to think otherwise is bigoted. Marriage is only a piece of paper apparently.

Does everyone think that the Op should still financially support her DD is she was getting married ?

YouJustDoYou · 26/06/2019 18:46

I had to work as well hold down a uni degree course at that age so wouldn't have been able to ask mum to bank roll me (dad had just died when I was 19). I guess for me it's weird she expects you to pay her way, but only because if there's no safety blanket people don't expect that, do they? But you have been paying for her up until now - I would pay for her still no? Not the whole rent as bf needs to pay his half. But her half, as you were paying before.