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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to bankroll DC if she moves in with her boyfriend?

222 replies

Dontwannabeadoormat · 26/06/2019 16:35

This is a theoretical situation but one DD and I have already fallen out over!
DD is a student who lives away from home in a houseshare with friends. We currently pay most of her rent and she gets a student loan for fees and some maintenance.
She has a lovely boyfriend and was musing about maybe moving in together, just her and him, next academic year. He will be working full time next year.
I said that if she lived as partners in a one bed flat it would be exciting of course, and the next big step in her life, but we would re-evaluate how we support her financially as they would be a new little unit, with him earning a decent salary.

She thinks this is awful and that we should continue to pay her rent just as before, and called my views archaic. I have a gut feeling that it seems a bit exploitative to set up home but still have mum and dad pay for it all. I didn't expect a penny once I moved in with my boyfriend- was a postgrad student though and worked evenings at a call centre to pay my way.
What do you all think? Have you been in this situation?

OP posts:
TheTapir · 26/06/2019 21:09

I lived with my boyfriend during the last year of my degree. My parents paid my rent as they had done the previous years, I also had a part time job. We were together for 20 years, from me being 19, and married for 16.

She's still a student, who she chooses to live with is irrelevant.

TakeMe2Insanity · 26/06/2019 21:14

Why would you want her dependent on her boyfriend while she is still a student. Obviously change the deal once she graduates but not while she is still studying.

FckIt · 26/06/2019 21:31

@sunshinesupermum when I was a full time student, I relied on the student loans and my part time wage. I worked it out. 🤷🏼‍♀️

MsRabbitRocks · 26/06/2019 21:39

Me too FckIt
I paid my rent through student loan and part time work when I was studying not a hundred years ago. To all those shocked that the DD shouldn’t be dependent on the boyfriend. Here’s a novel idea-she doesn’t have to be! She could pay her own way.

CaptSkippy · 26/06/2019 21:54

To all those who feel the daughter should just "get a job".
I worked 25 to 30 hours in college and lived in a flat share. (My parents didn't pay for me, because they couldn't being elderly with lots of medical bills).

My grades tanked in my second year and I failed half my classes due to never getting any sleep (noisy living ccomodations) and working so much I just didn't have much energy and time left to study. I had to redo that year.

If you agree to pay rent for your child you can't suddenly pull the rug out from underneath them, because you have a fifties attitude toward "female independence".

Get real!

Wallywobbles · 26/06/2019 22:13

At uni i had a set amount per month to pay everything. How I spent it was my problem. I topped it up by working especially in the holidays. Having just enough money to pay the bills was part of learning to be an adult.

TanMateix · 26/06/2019 22:26

I would continue paying the same amount you are paying until she completes her studies. If he is not a student and not well off, would it be possible for her to have her loan recalculated on the household income of her boyfriend and hers? You may end up not having to make up for the smaller entitlement and she could get the money she needs to do as she pleases.

Having said that... I do think loans are calculated on the basis of the previous tax year household income so I’m not sure whether this is a good idea.

Coyoacan · 26/06/2019 23:22

I agree with Graphista. For your dd, this must feel like you are being unbelievably controlling and punishing her because the person she prefers to share her living space with.

batvixen123 · 26/06/2019 23:26

Her loan won't be recalculated if she moves in with her bf. It'll still assume parental contribution and could end up only really covering her fees. Whether she can live on part time wages after that and still study is hugely variable, depending on her course, where she's living etc. The most common cause for students dropping out at the uni where I work is financial - sometimes it just isn't viable to pay your own way and also manage academia.

justasking111 · 26/06/2019 23:27

I would continue to pay would not want my child depending on someone else.

MyNameIsRachelAndIWantAPresent · 26/06/2019 23:37

You've got a year to go - what's the point in having this argument? Are you really going to risk a major fall out with your daughter over money you were already going to pay? What's more important? A point of principle or your long term relationship with your DD?

pallisers · 26/06/2019 23:43

There is so much more invested in a relationship when you live together. You can’t go home to your own space. When you think about buying a house when you already live together it’s natural to do it together and suddenly your biggest asset as well as a huge debt is joint, you are tied together. These things should be a conscious decision so you don’t realise 3 years later it was never going to work and take another year or two to extricate yourself.

Off topic - and there have been some excellent posts about not making her rely on her boyfriend etc. but I must say I agree with this completely. Dh calls it "mission creep". When you never have to make a stark decision "do I want to commit to this person" but instead have a series of minor decisions you never confront the big question which is "Is this a person I want to commit to for a significant period of time".

baconsandwichandanegg · 26/06/2019 23:44

I'd pay half the rent as long as it wasn't more than the house share. I wouldn't pay anything towards his half, don't see why you should.

Cloudyyy · 26/06/2019 23:45

I moved in with my then boyfriend in university and was financially dependent on him for a year because my parents refused to contribute. It was awful, he quickly became controlling and I would’ve left him a lot sooner if i has felt able. I would never put my daughter in that situation .

LegallyBrunet · 26/06/2019 23:50

@TanMateix Student Finance would only go off the boyfriend’s income in this situation if the OP’s daughter was over 25 or married to the boyfriend. I found this out when I moved in with my working partner before the end of my second year

saraclara · 26/06/2019 23:53

I moved in with my then boyfriend in university and was financially dependent on him for a year because my parents refused to contribute. It was awful, he quickly became controlling and I would’ve left him a lot sooner if i has felt able. I would never put my daughter in that situation

That's exactly the sort of scenario I was concerned about in my earlier post. If he's paying everything, then she has no control. If she became unhappy in the realtionship, she'd feel obliged to stay because a) she had nowhere else to go and no money and b) she'd think she'd get a big fat I told you so from her mum if she left.

MakeItRain · 27/06/2019 00:02

In my day I got a grant and that covered everything! (The benefits of being quite poor!)

These days don't students get loans which are linked to parents' earnings? So presumably she just doesn't have the money to pay for a flat as her loan income has been worked out based on your income? I can't begin to imagine which part time unskilled work which needs to fit round a full time student timetable would even cover a tenth of today's ridiculous rent prices.

So I'm on your daughter's side here. Really her choice of housemate is irrelevant. This is leaving her in an impossible situation. I guess her only option will be to get another house share with people you approve of enough to support her financially. If that's what you're hoping for fair enough, but don't be surprised if this has quite an impact on your relationship with her. (Because she's going to be shocked, angry and hurt, as well as feeling really embarrassed having to back out from a flat share with her boyfriend because basically her parents want her to share with friends instead and unfortunately they hold the purse strings).

I feel sorry for her.

HomeEdRocks18 · 27/06/2019 00:15

If she's 18 she's an adult and old enough to get a job and pay for her own housing.
I had a mortgage and full time job at 18

needsomesleepy · 27/06/2019 00:17

If she's 18 she's an adult and old enough to get a job and pay for her own housing.

She is in full time education though. OP was happy to support that.

i had a mortgage and full time job at 18

Surely you must know that's not the norm though?

Are you seriously suggesting OPDD gives up her course to work some minimum wage job full time?

NeverSayFreelance · 27/06/2019 00:25

@HomeEdRocks18 you're completely missing the point that she's a student and does not have time for a full time job and can not afford a mortgage. Very few young adults can these days. The "back in my day" attitude helps no one.

Limpshade · 27/06/2019 00:31

Aside from the money issue, I have two University friends who did this with boyfriends.

One couple split up the same year (very bitter break-up) and she was forced to find accommodation in halls again with people she didn't know while all us friends still lived together. She was miserable.

The other couple stayed together for another 2-3 years after university. Amicable break-up but she regrets it now as all her memories of university are of being domestic and she feels she missed out in a lot of ways.

I met my now DH at university but we moved in together once I'd finished my degree. And no way would I have expected my mum to pay for that!

Cornball · 27/06/2019 00:56

I was scrolling down to say absolutely not, if she's embarking on her own journey and her own unit - they pay all the bills, obviously!

BUT, if its an academic year and she has to pay rent regardless of her living arrangements, sharing with friends or one boy, and she is still of the same status (student) then no I think you should continue as normal. It isn't fair to penalise her for choosing to live with a different person when she HAS to be in that area paying rent regardless. Her financial situation won't change next year and it's not her bfs place to take over financial obligation. You should do as you would this year but once she's finished she pays, make that clear. Also, student rooms are so expensive it might be cheaper to share a one bed. I paid £425 a month for one poxy room, moved into flat with DP that was £450 pm between us so I was saving 200 a month.

Shes still a student, she still pays rent - what you decided was appropriate to give her (which is subjective and your call. Some would make their kids get jobs, some wouldn't) for last year should apply this year

Cornball · 27/06/2019 01:00

I'm not really getting all these "I paid my own way through uni, she can too, get a job" comments... Well good for you! So did I. But its lovely OP is able to help her DD through uni and why shouldn't she. Its almost like you're spiteful that someone is being helped along when you weren't - be happy for the girl instead. She's got her whole life to stress and budget and juggle.

skybluee · 27/06/2019 01:16

She's a student. It's not like they're setting up home together both working full time.

From what I can tell, you wanted to support her while she's a student, help with her rent.

So say she's in a shared house with 2 other people, say you give £400 a month to go towards rent and bills.

If she moves into a flat share, I'd still give the £400 a month.
I really don't think her boyfriend should have to support her. That seems very wrong.

Out of interest do you know what the figures are - how much her rent is in the houseshare, and how much it would be in the flat?

Topseyt · 27/06/2019 01:31

She is still a student. It is still a flat share. Why does it matter that she is with her boyfriend or other friends?

Her status in the eyes of Student Finance hasn't changed. So you should continue to support her as you already have been until she graduates. Why make her dependent on her boyfriend?

I know a lot of people say that she should just get a job. That isn't always so easy. My DD1 did have a part time job when she was a student, but the only thing she could get was night shift at the Students' Union. The lack of sleep that caused made her ill and her mental health was crumbling, so she had to give it up, both for her sanity and in order to actually be able to study and graduate. She then managed to get a very good job and is now completely independent.

Also (since you did ask), yes, your attitude is weird and very archaic. Even my own very old fashioned and traditional parents would not have pulled the rug from under me as you seem to be considering doing to your DD.

Of course you continue to support until she graduates.