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Original poster

Not to bankroll DC if she moves in with her boyfriend?

222 replies

Dontwannabeadoormat · 26/06/2019 16:35

This is a theoretical situation but one DD and I have already fallen out over!
DD is a student who lives away from home in a houseshare with friends. We currently pay most of her rent and she gets a student loan for fees and some maintenance.
She has a lovely boyfriend and was musing about maybe moving in together, just her and him, next academic year. He will be working full time next year.
I said that if she lived as partners in a one bed flat it would be exciting of course, and the next big step in her life, but we would re-evaluate how we support her financially as they would be a new little unit, with him earning a decent salary.

She thinks this is awful and that we should continue to pay her rent just as before, and called my views archaic. I have a gut feeling that it seems a bit exploitative to set up home but still have mum and dad pay for it all. I didn't expect a penny once I moved in with my boyfriend- was a postgrad student though and worked evenings at a call centre to pay my way.
What do you all think? Have you been in this situation?

OP posts:
Ella1980 · 27/06/2019 01:34

I met my first serious bf at 17 (he was 19) and we became inseparable. I left for uni at 18 but literally we couldn't deal with being apart so I came back home after 6 weeks! Our parents were not that impressed at first!!

I returned to same uni a year later but this time in a little one-bed flat together. He got a paid job as a student pharmacy tech. Very, very happy for the four years at uni. Some of the best years of my life-we were in our own little bubble.

I'm 38 now so years ago but as I recall my parents paid some of the rent, bf paid some and I also got a job as a pt medical typist between lectures.

We separated after uni and 7 years together - I wanted engagement etc eventually but that wasn't in his life plan. It broke my heart but got through it as you do.

We are now both in happy relationships (I'm a divorcee with two kids and a dick of an ex but now have a fiancé) and he is with a lovely lady (although he's now 40 and still never so much as been engaged!!)

Still great friends-he texted me this month on the day we first met with the message "Happy 21 years of friendship".

I'm grateful my parents allowed us such happy years by helping financially so we could live together. Yes we were only young but very much in love and they saw that 😊

Topseyt · 27/06/2019 01:41

Oh, and I lived with my boyfriend back in our student days. He was part of our house share, although we weren't actually an item until several months into the year. Should my parents simply have given me nothing to live on?

That boyfriend is now my DH of almost 26 years.

MsRabbitRocks · 27/06/2019 06:18

Not at all Cornball. It is in response to the posters berating the OP because by not paying her rent if she is moving in with her boyfriend, the OP will make her dependent on her boyfriend and people are just pointing out that this doesn’t have to be the case. It is lovely that the OP has been paying her rent - some of us just don’t think it should be expected by the daughter that’s all and that the daughter could be a little more grateful.

MsRabbitRocks · 27/06/2019 06:19

He was part of our house share,

That’s the difference right there.

OhioOhioOhio · 27/06/2019 06:21

Yanbu

The perk of her changed overheads belongs to you. Not her.

Sandybval · 27/06/2019 06:28

Id give her the same amount as you did last year for her house share.

mabelmylove · 27/06/2019 06:34

Just pay what you always have, surely? It there’s a shortfall she can get a part time job. Unless of course she is doing a highly demanding degree and genuinely does not have the time for a job, in which case you should give her what you can afford. No holiday and 10 year old cars? That’s how probably the majority of the UK population live anyway!

Bringonspring · 27/06/2019 06:38

Really uncomfortable that you would leave your DD to be dependent on a boyfriend. In your initial post you do say that this is what happened to you etc.

User8888888 · 27/06/2019 06:38

I find this all baffling. Would you have the same issue if she moved in with her boyfriend and one other person? House shares can be hard work. If she can do a one bed flat flat for similar money she’ll have a more civilised time. I can see why she’d be upset at you withdrawing support based on who she’d be sharing with.

f you have agreed to support her, that should continue. Some posters have been very harsh about your daughter. say this as someone who had to work and paid my accommodation from loans.

Weezol · 27/06/2019 06:39

If you agree to pay rent for your child you can't suddenly pull the rug out from underneath them, because you have a fifties attitude toward "female independence".

You've agreed to cover her rent during her degree. It would be really unfair to change that in her final year.

It'll be much easier for her to study if she's in a flat with one other person who keeps regular hours rather than sharing with three or four others with various timetables and additional friends visiting and staying over.

You made an agreement. You need to honour it.

PostNotInHaste · 27/06/2019 06:47

I think you are being incredibly shortsighted to even think about this on a number of levels and make it an issue and it will potentially quite damaging to your relationship with your DD. I’m saying this as someone in the exact same position but a year further down the line.

adaline · 27/06/2019 06:54

I'm actually really surprised at the comments on here.

No way would my parents have paid for me to live with a boyfriend at any stage - if I wanted to move out and be a couple that wasn't a problem, but they weren't going to pay for me to do so!

Like you OP my parents paid my rent through university - subject to me living in student accommodation, either on campus or in shared housing.

Why should OP subsidise her daughter wanting to move out of student accommodation and into a private couples scenario?

If she wants to move in with her boyfriend she can get a job and pay her share of rent and bills. If she doesn't want to/can't afford to, she can wait a year until she graduates.

adaline · 27/06/2019 06:56

Really uncomfortable that you would leave your DD to be dependent on a boyfriend.

Eh? She's not doing this at all.

She's saying if you stay in student accommodation until you graduate, will continue as we are and pay your rent. If you want to change that arrangement and move in with Fred, then you'll need to support yourself.

If she's adult enough to move out on her own with a partner, then she shouldn't be relying on mummy and daddy to pay her rent for her!

PostNotInHaste · 27/06/2019 07:00

She’s funding her through university

adaline · 27/06/2019 07:06

She’s funding her through university

Funding a child who is studying and living with other students is very different from funding her live full-time with a romantic partner - even if she's still a student.

I would argue she can't afford to live with her partner if she cannot do so without parental help. I think the fact that she's a student is colouring things for many people - she's 20 years old! If she wants to be grown up and live independently then she needs to get a job to fund that decision.

PostNotInHaste · 27/06/2019 07:08

No it’s not these days as you are expected to fund them up until 25

adaline · 27/06/2019 07:10

Well that's fine - if she wants that funding she can stay in student accommodation!

She doesn't have to move in with her boyfriend - if she wants to do that, she can pay for it herself!

Pinkprincess1978 · 27/06/2019 07:17

I would treat this like if she was moving in with a friend. I would pay half the rent except if it's significantly more than her share of a bigger shared house - which it might be.

If your agreement while she is studying is you will pay her rent then that shouldn't change because her room mate is her boyfriend rather than a friend. Would it make you feel better if they shared a house with others rather than just a home on their own?

PostNotInHaste · 27/06/2019 07:21

Well I think you’re all being incredibly short sighted. She is an adult, this will not cost the OP more than already paying. I want DD to finish her education, not be financially reliant on her partner and know that we have her back at all times. Her partner’s parents are fairly controlling financially though learning that doing that comes with a price -we get thanked for our support and it’s us they both want to spend the time with, we’ve all got a really good relationship.

If we’d taken the OP’s approach I suspect DD would have dropped out and be living abroad with hardly any qualifications to her name. I prefer to take a pragmatic view and play the long game but different strokes for different folks.

adaline · 27/06/2019 07:21

The thing is, the dynamic between friends is very different to a romantic coupling.

I wouldn't want my daughter to move in with her partner unless she could financially support herself. If it was the other way around, I wouldn't want her moving in with a student boyfriend who needed his parents help to pay half the rent either!

If she wants to live as part of a romantic partnership then that's her choice but she shouldn't expect her parents to fund that choice. Lots of students can't afford to move in with partners for whole variety of reasons - if she's not able to willing to get a job to support herself then she'll just have to wait, won't she?

Bookworm4 · 27/06/2019 07:30

Every student I know has a job, a 20 yr old reliant on her parents is a bit much, she should have a part time job to contribute to her living costs too. What’s she planning to do all summer?

PostNotInHaste · 27/06/2019 07:30

Well that’s your opinion so fair play . I absolutely hear what you are saying and I probably would have taken the same view until faced with the situation. If you have a strong willed child and are in the position you suddenly realise you are treading a fine line and what’s fine to discuss in a situation like this suddenly changes in the actual situation and there are a number of shades of grey.

I totally stand by what we have done. If the funding system was different we may have handled it differently but we are where we are and for us as a family our approach has worked well . DD is incredibly headstrong though and I could see if we dug our heels in the potential outcomes and wasn’t prepared to take that risk. I’d advise the OP to be pragmatic but up to her at end of the day.

ZazieTheCat · 27/06/2019 07:38

As long as you think the boyfriend is a good guy and have no objections to e.g. living together before marriage I think you fund her to same extent as if she was in a house-share.

If it turns out to be cheaper to be with her boyfriend, she should pass in the saving to you. If it turns out to be more expensive, either she makes up the difference or he does (for example, he could pay all council tax without it making her dependent on him, as she wouldn’t have to pay council tax in a student flatshare).

stucknoue · 27/06/2019 07:39

I would support her to the same amount as this year

scubadive · 27/06/2019 07:46

I don’t think it’s a good idea for them to move in together whilst she is a student. If he is working, has all his evenings free this is a very different life to a student and I think it could affect her studies or she gives up all together. I wouldn’t be happy paying to support this choice. She has her whole life to live with him, she should continue sharing with students for now.