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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to bankroll DC if she moves in with her boyfriend?

222 replies

Dontwannabeadoormat · 26/06/2019 16:35

This is a theoretical situation but one DD and I have already fallen out over!
DD is a student who lives away from home in a houseshare with friends. We currently pay most of her rent and she gets a student loan for fees and some maintenance.
She has a lovely boyfriend and was musing about maybe moving in together, just her and him, next academic year. He will be working full time next year.
I said that if she lived as partners in a one bed flat it would be exciting of course, and the next big step in her life, but we would re-evaluate how we support her financially as they would be a new little unit, with him earning a decent salary.

She thinks this is awful and that we should continue to pay her rent just as before, and called my views archaic. I have a gut feeling that it seems a bit exploitative to set up home but still have mum and dad pay for it all. I didn't expect a penny once I moved in with my boyfriend- was a postgrad student though and worked evenings at a call centre to pay my way.
What do you all think? Have you been in this situation?

OP posts:
needsomesleepy · 26/06/2019 18:46

Well I disagree.

OP is trying to prevent her DD from moving in with a guy by not contributing the previously agreed living costs. That IS controlling.

Redwinestillfine · 26/06/2019 18:47

If it's part of a house share with other people fair enough but if it is her moving in with him moving in with him then I would say if she's old enough to have a grown up relationship, she's old enough to go bed

BlueCornsihPixie · 26/06/2019 18:50

So you basically want her to not move in with her boyfriend?

I think you are seeing her moving in with a boyfriend as more than she is tbh. When I moved in with my bf, if wasn't like moving it with my partner setting up home, on the road to marriage. It wasn't a massive thing

It was just neither of us could really afford to live alone, I needed a flatmate so why not move in with the person I know I get on best with, who supports me and I love rather than finding a flatmate. But it wasn't a massively different arrangement to what I had with my flatmate at the time. Does that make sense? I'm not sure I see it as such a big step as you do.

I think you either say you are supporting her or your not, you can't really put conditions on who she lives with otherwise where does it stop? You say you'll pay her rent so pay it. (Or a proportion whatever you feel) if you don't want to don't, but don't put conditions on her situation.

Like I said earlier if she rents a 2 bed with a flatmate would you be happy? Why not just make that flatmate her boyfriend

needsomesleepy · 26/06/2019 18:50

Does everyone think that the Op should still financially support her DD is she was getting married

She isn't getting married.

What is it about Mumsnet that's makes people give ridiculous scenarios to try and prove their point?

Ginger1982 · 26/06/2019 18:53

My issue would be more about her moving in with a boyfriend whilst still studying. I know it's stupid because they could have sex anywhere but I'd be concerned about pregnancy and her not finishing her course. Plus I am a bit old fashioned regarding living together in any case.

Purely on the financial side though, I would say that technically her circumstances won't have changed and that so long as she is not expecting you to fund more than before, and certainly not fund him, then I would continue to pay.

Manclife1 · 26/06/2019 18:54

OP, it’s your money so spend it as you see fit. If it doesn’t sit well with you then don’t give her the money. She’s 20 not 10 and shouldn’t need subsiding, if she want cash she can get a job. L

MsRabbitRocks · 26/06/2019 18:55

OP is trying to prevent her DD from moving in with a guy by not contributing the previously agreed living costs. That IS controlling.

OP is supporting DD and generously paying for her rent, despite being an adult and not even a teenager anymore. Whatever happened to being grateful?

OP is well within her rights to stipulate what she pays for. Might even help the DD not make a horrible mistake by moving in with her boyfriend too quickly either.

NeverSayFreelance · 26/06/2019 18:55

There's no guarantee they are moving in together because they are planning to be a family. It's possible he's just the best "flatmate" for the moment. I had lots of friends at uni who lived with their partners, not because they were setting up a life together but because that was the easiest person to live with, and meant a flat with less bedrooms.

AlaskanOilBaron · 26/06/2019 18:55

I think you are seeing her moving in with a boyfriend as more than she is tbh. When I moved in with my bf, if wasn't like moving it with my partner setting up home, on the road to marriage. It wasn't a massive thing

I'd be disappointed if my children took this view and I'd like to discourage it. Which is why I wouldn't make it easy to move in with their university girlfriends at 20.

Different strokes for different folks and all that.

BlueCornsihPixie · 26/06/2019 18:56

AlaskanOilBaron

What you want for your kids life is pretty irrelevant } think. Why does it matter of they live with loads of partners or loads of friends? As long as they are happy and it's what they want.

Again it's their choice if they get bogged down in a heavy relationship. You do sound quite controlling, reading this thread has made me really grateful that my parents have always supported my decisions and have never tried to 'exert their influence'

jay55 · 26/06/2019 18:56

I lived with my boyfriend while at uni, we were in houseshares though not in a one bed and still had a room each.
My parents paid for about half my rent, and I paid the rest from my loan and summer job.

MsRabbitRocks · 26/06/2019 18:57

What is it about Mumsnet that's makes people give ridiculous scenarios to try and prove their point?

Pot. Kettle. Black.

Graphista · 26/06/2019 18:58

So you are making a moral judgment on her choice? Because you think she should view moving in with boyfriend more seriously? Possibly only doing so if they're building up to getting married?

That's nothing to do with the money and everything to do with you trying to control how she lives her life!

Removing that element

It's not going to cost you any more than you would have given her anyway.

She'll likely have a calm stable home life which can only be conducive to doing well at uni

If you push your point of view you risk pushing her away, and not just while she's at uni but tainting your relationship with her forever, you also risk offending a potential future son in law.

Potentially you're making her stay in a situation less supportive of doing well at uni.

First time I was at uni I was in standard student houseshare. It was a total pita with noise, mess, arguments about stolen food, state of bathroom etc made it really hard to get my he's down and study when the other students seemed to me more focused on partying!

Second time I was a single mum so in a normal house just with dd. Even though dd was young and it wasn't "easy" it was much better being able to get peace and space to study once dd was in bed.

Op be honest, is your real objection you think she's too young/irresponsible to move in with a romantic partner? That she's doing so too lightly for your opinion?

As ever, it seems to me it's not really about the money.

needsomesleepy · 26/06/2019 18:58

I haven't given any scenarios. I have only given my opinion on the actual situation 🤷‍♀️

AquaPris · 26/06/2019 18:58

I think you should continue to pay her half of the rent. It's not his responsibility they're not married.

Karwomannghia · 26/06/2019 18:59

I don’t think it’s fair to force her into a situation where she is financially dependent on her partner. I would pay the same but make it clear it ends after graduation.

needsomesleepy · 26/06/2019 19:00

OP is supporting DD and generously paying for her rent, despite being an adult and not even a teenager anymore. Whatever happened to being grateful?

Hold on a minute, I never said the OPDD shouldn't be grateful; of course she should.

BrienneofTarthILoveYou · 26/06/2019 19:00

I agree with you Op, it's the next 'stage' in life so one id fully expect of an independent adult, not someone still wanting to be subsidised by their parents.

19lottie82 · 26/06/2019 19:01

I really don’t understand why you wouldn’t still support her if she was to move in with her boyfriend with half the rent on a 1 bed. Why is a houseshare preferential?

saraclara · 26/06/2019 19:03

Why do you want her to be financially dependent on a boyfriend?

Yep. You're expecting this chap to pay for everything. That's not the norm in any relationship, so why should it be in this case? Nothing has changed for your daughter. She's still a student, she still has no earnings. She can't contribute and this is not yet such an established relationship that he should be expected to pick up the pieces (so different from a long term relationship where one cohabiting partner suddenly becomes unemployed).

It's unfair on him, and seems to be telling her that it's fine to depend on a man financially.

19lottie82 · 26/06/2019 19:03

I agree with you Op, it's the next 'stage' in
life so one id fully expect of an
independent adult, not someone still
wanting to be subsidised by their parents.

That makes no sense. As I see it the OP is subsidising her DD because she is a student so she can concentrate on her studies rather than working all the hours god sends to pay the rent. What does it matter where she lives as long as she is safe and happy?

So in your viewpoint, the OP should continue to pay her rent once she’s finished uni, if she stays in the flatshare?

DisappearingGirl · 26/06/2019 19:04

Ooh tricky one. From a purely financial point of view I'd say carry on giving her what you would have otherwise, and she can spend it living with flatmates or boyfriend (and top up the difference herself if a flat with boyfriend costs more).

However I agree I don't think it's a great idea to move in with a partner that young, and miss out on sharing with friends and being independent. I also kind of agree with moving in together being something you do as an independent adult. From those points of view I wouldn't be keen, though I guess she has to make these decisions herself as an adult.

I feel similar when I read threads about adult (or late teen) kids living at home and having boyfriend/girlfriend stay over regularly, while still having their parents fund them and do most of the housework. It kind of feels too early to take that step when you haven't learned to live independently yet.

I see it separately to a sexual relationship too. It feels like someone might be old enough to be having sex but not necessarily old enough / mature enough to set up home with a partner.

Rosemary46 · 26/06/2019 19:05

Lots of couples get married while one is a student. I can’t imagine why you think this is ridiculous - you sound very judgemental @needsomesleepy

needsomesleepy · 26/06/2019 19:06

It's ridiculous to use it as a debating point in this situation, because it's not what has happened. Marriage is irrelevant because they are not getting married.

Not sure why I sound judgmental for pointing out this isn't about marriage.

BlueCornsihPixie · 26/06/2019 19:07

I was really unhappy in my university house share. It was grotty, the bathroom was disgusting. Everyone was always fighting, it was noisy. I hated it.

If I'd been able to move in with a boyfriend I would have done, and I think I would have been a lot happier (in final year anyway). At 20 I was capable of knowing what would make me happy.

I'd have been pretty upset if my parents had tried to prevent me being happy, exerting their own views. And I think it boils down to trusting that your DD knows what's best for her, and allowing her to make choices about her own life

Its a bit like saying "I'm going to give you pocket money but not if you spend it on clothes" you are exerting your views and control over your DD by withdrawing promised financial aid, because you are unhappy with her choices.