Not to bankroll DC if she moves in with her boyfriend?

[Dontwannabeadoormat]

This is a theoretical situation but one DD and I have already fallen out over!
DD is a student who lives away from home in a houseshare with friends. We currently pay most of her rent and she gets a student loan for fees and some maintenance.
She has a lovely boyfriend and was musing about maybe moving in together, just her and him, next academic year. He will be working full time next year.
I said that if she lived as partners in a one bed flat it would be exciting of course, and the next big step in her life, but we would re-evaluate how we support her financially as they would be a new little unit, with him earning a decent salary.

She thinks this is awful and that we should continue to pay her rent just as before, and called my views archaic. I have a gut feeling that it seems a bit exploitative to set up home but still have mum and dad pay for it all. I didn't expect a penny once I moved in with my boyfriend- was a postgrad student though and worked evenings at a call centre to pay my way.
What do you all think? Have you been in this situation?

I would possibly give some but not all you currently do but why doesn’t she do as other students do, including those in my family and get a part time job to support herself? What happens when she finishes and can’t get a job?

As you say she’s musing about moving in with him . As she will still be a student I think it’s fair to continue to help out with her rent / top up to what would be the full maintenance loan ( although I get in some areas , possibly all , students struggle ) - if there is an additional cost over and above what she is currently paying then it’s a matter for you whether you pay her 1/2 of the rent or suggest she gets a job . Personally whilst still a student I’d still pay for her accommodation ( within reason ! ) .

From the perspective of your duties as a parent whilst she is a student you should pay whether she's in a house share or living with the boyfriend. It is the wrong message to give her that her boyfriend should bank roll her, she should have an equal footing financially in the relationship.

BUT I would strongly discourage her living with her boyfriend so young. She's not then getting the proper student experience and she'll never get that time back as an undergraduate.

Plus, I am a landlord for student houses and trust me I have a hell of a lot of students who want to move out half way through because they've split up with their girl/boyfriend! They're v young at that age, if she splits up from this guy she'll then have nowhere to live for the rest of the year.

I don't think its fair to say the parents are "forcing" their daughter to be dependent on a man.
She has free will, so she could choose not to be dependent on him. They want to live together, but they don't have to.
By deciding not to live together yet.
By getting a job.

BUT I would strongly discourage her living with her boyfriend so young. She's not then getting the proper student experience and she'll never get that time back as an undergraduate

Plus, I am a landlord for student houses and trust me I have a hell of a lot of students who want to move out half way through because they've split up with their girl/boyfriend! They're v young at that age, if she splits up from this guy she'll then have nowhere to live for the rest of the year

This.

Plus she will end up doing 75% of the housework, on account of him having a penis and not being able to see the mess / him working longer hours / it only taking her 5 mins but being a Really Big Deal for him.

And what if she wants to do a master's or PhD, should her parents support her indefinitely

This crossed my mind as well! Personally, I'd continue your current level of financial support until she finishes her undergraduate degree next year. Then you can reassess the situation.

I agree with PP's that moving in with your partner is an "adult" decision and once she's graduated, they should aim to have independent finances.

I think she'd be unreasonable to expect you to pay rent of the same amount, if her 'portion' of the rent is made lower by moving in with bf. Because, you'd be subsidising him, not just her. I'd say pay her half of the rent, providing it's not higher than what you pay now, and on the understanding she pays when she graduates!

I moved in with a boyfriend when I was a student and my parents cut off all contributions to my upkeep. Which in principle would have been fine- but my student loans and bursary continued to be based on their income and the assumption that they were contributing to living costs.

I ended up reliant on my boyfriend completely, and we got married pretty young in part to establish me as an independent student with access to my own student finance, as we couldn't afford to eat at times.

It did not end well.

Providing a contribution to costs enables your daughter to retain her independence and ability to make choices. It gives her a safety net which is what we all need when trying to navigate early adulthood.

• go bankroll it herself

*When I moved in with my bf, if wasn't like moving it with my partner setting up home, on the road to marriage. It wasn't a massive thing

It was just neither of us could really afford to live alone, I needed a flatmate so why not move in with the person I know I get on best with, who supports me and I love rather than finding a flatmate. But it wasn't a massively different arrangement to what I had with my flatmate at the time. Does that make sense? I'm not sure I see it as such a big step as you do.*

I don’t want my kids to think this way at all. There is so much more invested in a relationship when you live together. You can’t go home to your own space. When you think about buying a house when you already live together it’s natural to do it together and suddenly your biggest asset as well as a huge debt is joint, you are tied together. These things should be a conscious decision so you don’t realise 3 years later it was never going to work and take another year or two to extricate yourself.

DD is same age, also a student and lives with partner who was working full time, he’s going back to study. We give her what we would have given her if she had have been in a shared house, it hadn’t occurred to me to do anything else.

I do find the use of the word bankroll in this situation funny though. Unless you’re the Corleones...

MsRabbitRocks Wed 26-Jun-19 18:55:35
OP is supporting DD and generously paying for her rent, despite being an adult and not even a teenager anymore. Whatever happened to being grateful?

I am sure her DD is grateful. However, you talk of generosity. Perhaps you're not aware that it is explicitly expected that parents will pay towards their student child's maintenance while at university?

For parents earning less than £25k per year their DCs can take out a maintenance loan that will give them the equivalent of upto £167 per week outside London and £218 pw in London.

If parents earn more than £25k then there is a sliding scale. From what the OP says I would guess that her DD probably only qualifies for the minimum and so would get the equivalent of £78 pw or £109 pw in London.

The government expects that parents will make up this difference themselves. Although, of course, many will not be in a position to do so or will choose not to for whatever reason.

I had a miserable house share in second year with a depressed and suicidal housemate, lived abroad for my third and moved into the 2 bed my boyfriend's parents bought for him (they took it back at graduation and sold it obvs) in fourth. I got my best marks that year and my parents paid my rent - granted, it was less than I would have paid going back into halls. That was in 2006 and we've been married nearly 10 years! Sometimes you just know, even if your parents think your 20 year old brain is far too silly to decide.

I would continue to support my DC until they left Uni

I'd absolutely support her. If you don't you are sending the message that her boyfriend should and what if it doesn't work out?

OP moving in with the BF is a bad idea. No way out if they break up. She will either have to move mid year or he will leave her paying the full cost of the one bed and bills if they split. Its not a matter of relationship not being solid enough its a matter of too young to set up home together whilst she is your dependant. Some people say you're controlling some would say concerned and sensible.

Dont make a big thing of banning it but equally dont let her burn bridges with her friends. Suggest she moves with friends and stays over with BF like most people do when they are young, broke and finding their feet with adult relationships.

Ive been with dh since I was 21/22 but didn't move in together until we were 26/27.

Moving in with a partner is NOT a "step towards independence", particuarly if it costs her her previous financial sources.
This isn't the fifies, where the only way a woman could gain some independence by getting married and moving into her husbands house.
Cutting off or reducing a financial resource means the money has to come from somewhere else. If she is still studying she can't work fulltime and can therefore not be financially independent.

This is hardly rocket science. Only a fulltime job will make your daughter financially independent. You chose to have children, which means you are financially responsible for them until they can support themselves. Few kids these days are, at 20, in such a position.

You can't just foist this responsibility onto her boyfriend, just because she is moving in with him. It would effectively make her his child. That's creey and gross.

Are there not implications to her loans if she is cohabiting?.
I think you should tell her to keep her uni lodging to have a place to work during the week and to just see him at weekends.

I'm with you OP. Payment would stop as they are old enough to get a job and support themselves.

mummmy2017
I think students seeking loans have to demonstrate 3 years of financial independence before they are considered separate to their parents to prevent people taking gap years and then claiming on their part time job salary instead of their parents'.

Payment would stop as they are old enough to get a job and support themselves.

Fckit Did you miss the fact that the OPs daughter is a full-time student?

So does she expect you to pay for a flat for them to both live in? Or her half as you are now?

I think in this situation I would look at what her new rent would be and pay her share of costs. If it is less than you pay now I would put the extra money into an account and put it towards giving her a gift later or to help her whilst she looks for a full time job. If it is more expensive I would expect her to make up the short fall by getting a part time job.

I think the crux of it is that if you said you would support her whilst at uni then you should continue to do so regardless of who she lives with however you are not a bank with endless funds ( unless you are loaded of course). Your dd needs to be made to realise that if she is making adult choices she can't always rely on the bank of mum and dad to subsidise her lifestyle like a child. Getting a job whilst studying really isn't a horror, lots of kids manage it. I studied a degree with 40 hours contact time with lectures and lab work. I still managed to find a weekend job, unless she is studying for a degree with evening and weekend placements she should be encouraged to get a job anyway. It also looks good to prospective employers too, demonstrates that you are actually capable of time management, show initiative and are an all rounder.

My DD20 set up home with her boyfriend 2 years ago when they both went to uni, initially in a tiny studio flat and then 2nd year in a larger private flat. My job is to help to support her financially while she is a student and not to judge her on who she lives with or shares a bed with. Why on earth would it be? My mother certainly didn't get a say in who I spend my time with once I turned 18 and left home.

If her relationship lasts that would be great, if it doesn't then I'm glad she had the friendship and security of a strong relationship through her student years in a strange city.

Supporting your child through university shouldn't come with conditions if she is pulling her weight academically and doing the work.