Not to bankroll DC if she moves in with her boyfriend?

[Dontwannabeadoormat]

This is a theoretical situation but one DD and I have already fallen out over!
DD is a student who lives away from home in a houseshare with friends. We currently pay most of her rent and she gets a student loan for fees and some maintenance.
She has a lovely boyfriend and was musing about maybe moving in together, just her and him, next academic year. He will be working full time next year.
I said that if she lived as partners in a one bed flat it would be exciting of course, and the next big step in her life, but we would re-evaluate how we support her financially as they would be a new little unit, with him earning a decent salary.

She thinks this is awful and that we should continue to pay her rent just as before, and called my views archaic. I have a gut feeling that it seems a bit exploitative to set up home but still have mum and dad pay for it all. I didn't expect a penny once I moved in with my boyfriend- was a postgrad student though and worked evenings at a call centre to pay my way.
What do you all think? Have you been in this situation?

Funding a child who is studying and living with other students is very different from funding her live full-time with a romantic partner

Why? The 'child' doesn't get any more or less money to live on because they have chosen to live with a boyfriend instead of friend.

Or Scubadive as he has more spare time he’s able to take on more household stuff which facilitates the amount of time she ha# to study with a deadline looming, therefore better than she t have done in a shared house where everyone stressed out with exams etc? It’s just not clear cut is it and will depend on the personalities involved.

Dh calls it "mission creep". When you never have to make a stark decision "do I want to commit to this person"

Totally agree and have seen the fallout from this many times. In fact, DH is seeing it right now with a friend who is having an affair with a work colleague, despite being engaged and having just bought a house with his fiance. The guy doesn't really want marriage or kids, he's just fallen into commitment because they've lived together for several years and their peers are starting families. A relative of mine left his wife the day after their wedding for the same reason. Their families started pressuring them into marriage because they were approaching thirty and had lived together since university. They just sleep-walked into potentially spending the rest of their lives with the wrong person.

Secondly, I really don't agree that university students "should" have jobs. Some might need to, but it does add extra stress at an already stressful time and impinges upon the ability to focus on your studies, which could impact on grades. There's plenty of time for minimum wage drudgery after graduation, whilst looking for a better job.

Students have plenty time to get a job, months long summer, weekends.

A job "add extra stress at an already stressful time"? Piffle. Student life is a long rosy holiday. The only stress is that after 3 years you have to join the working world, which is admittedly upsetting. I think all students should work in the summer at least. No reason not to work at weekends or evenings. Apart from it cutting into my sitting in the pub or watching love island time. Students are not generally all slaving away studying 24/7.

@Zen
I think some students must lay it on thick to their parents to avoid work, never met a student yet that studies through the summer.

Students are not generally all slaving away studying 24/7.

I guess it depends what degree you're doing, but when I was a student, we had hundreds of pages of required reading for every seminar. I wouldn't have had time to do all the reading, plus attendance, essays, presentations and revision if I'd been working during the week. And if I'd had a weekend job I would literally never have had any downtime.

I find the cliche of the slacker student, watching reality TV and sleeping half the day to be inaccurate. Your performance at university has the potential to make or break your future career. I had several course mates drop out because they couldn't cope with the pressure.

Given its her final year it may suit her better to live with her bf too. It made a hell of a difference to me, more undisturbed sleep, less going out and a generally relaxed cosy house as opposed to a rowdy piss up house. I did much better lol

Papaya rather a patronising attitude towards minimum wage jobs?

I had plenty of time for ‘drudgery’ (your word) type jobs whilst I was at uni and the skills learned in customer facing roles, working in old people’s homes etc have made me a much more rounded person than just getting my degree ever did.

I used to work in graduate recruitment and the applicants who had part time work experience always did better than those without.

I think you should continually paying as she's still a student. It seems odd to me that you wouldn't.

I'd be AMAZED if they could get a one bet flat for the same cost as 2x flat share rooms.

I think you need to give her the independence to make her own choices but be clear on the budget - that's part of being a grown up. You don't increase what you fund, and she can make it works then that's something you have to live with (I agree it irks as you're squeezed) but if she finds she can't then she can't do it.

I would pay what your paying now!

Bills would be on top for her to sort out!

Students are not generally all slaving away studying 24/7.

No but lots of 4 year courses are now condensed down into 3 year ones due to tuition fee cost and adding in another year of loans. Primary school teacher degree being one of them, it used to be 4 years and is now 3, we were told the above was the reason by the university (was with a friend and her daughter looking at uni close to me.)

So getting a job is highly discouraged. Surely this is just geography? She is still a student, you fund her the same amount you have done this year.

It feels like you are punishing her for not living in shitty student digs. The whole "next stage of your life" is just utter crap. They aren't buying a house together. It is renting.

I lived in a shared house in first year at Uni, and then started dating a guy in the house share. We lived together in 2nd year, then moved into on campus housing in our final year in different flats. We were still dating. Our relationship finished when we graduated, we went different ways and wanted different things.

The only thing to consider is what she will do if they split up. Can the boyfriend afford the place by himself if she has to leave?

@needsomesleepy because it's an unbalanced situation.

In a student house everyone is studying and in the same boat - she's now going to give up her independence to live with her working partner - what happens if they split up halfway through the year? Where is she going to go?

I was talking about finance not practicality. OP is either happy to find her student DD or she isn't.

*fund.

See I disagree.

If she wants to go and live as a couple with her boyfriend, she should fund that herself and not expect her parents to pay for her choice.

Of course financially it might not make a difference to the OP but they're not the same situation. I think if it was the other way around people wouldn't be encouraging their daughters to move in with their unemployed student boyfriends!

I think if it was the other way around people wouldn't be encouraging their daughters to move in with their unemployed student boyfriends!

Being a student and not having a job isn't the same as being unemployed.

I wouldn't advocate my children work whilst living with undergraduates. IME the worker always feels like they have a shittier life. I suspect the BF will expect the Dd to do all the housework as she has a less structured schedule. He may also resent effectively living alone for council tax purposes.

People are very relaxed abput funding grown up dc. Even if studying the help should be on OP's not the DD's terms. By third year I received rent (£42pw!!) And paid food and bills from my savings which I worked to get and replenish.

Papaya rather a patronising attitude towards minimum wage jobs?

Don't be ridiculous. I've paid my dues in crappy jobs for years.

@needsomesleepy in terms of income it's the same.

I very much doubt anyone on here would be pleased if their daughter wanted to move in with a boyfriend who didn't have a job and who relied on his parents to pay his bills.