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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to bankroll DC if she moves in with her boyfriend?

222 replies

Dontwannabeadoormat · 26/06/2019 16:35

This is a theoretical situation but one DD and I have already fallen out over!
DD is a student who lives away from home in a houseshare with friends. We currently pay most of her rent and she gets a student loan for fees and some maintenance.
She has a lovely boyfriend and was musing about maybe moving in together, just her and him, next academic year. He will be working full time next year.
I said that if she lived as partners in a one bed flat it would be exciting of course, and the next big step in her life, but we would re-evaluate how we support her financially as they would be a new little unit, with him earning a decent salary.

She thinks this is awful and that we should continue to pay her rent just as before, and called my views archaic. I have a gut feeling that it seems a bit exploitative to set up home but still have mum and dad pay for it all. I didn't expect a penny once I moved in with my boyfriend- was a postgrad student though and worked evenings at a call centre to pay my way.
What do you all think? Have you been in this situation?

OP posts:
soulrider · 26/06/2019 17:05

I think it's reasonable to say that if her costs reduce, then her allowance will reduce so that it only covers 50% of the costs. If 50% of the cost is more than she pays now it's reasonable to say that she makes up the difference.

livefornaps · 26/06/2019 17:05

Your views are really weird and will drive a wedge between you if you don't watch out.

Yoi have an odd view of "setting up home" - she has no money, there is nothing to set up!

What you could say is that moving in will put a lot of pressure on the relationship and she wouldn't want to deal with the hassle of getting a new place if it all went wrong in the middle of an important year, so why not keep a "crash pad" with her mates until she has a real job

Pipandmum · 26/06/2019 17:07

She seems happy for you to pay the same amount, even though it will probably be more expensive in a one bed flat than a larger house share.
I would pay her the same, if they want a more expensive place she will have to fund the difference (or he will). But also make it clear she should get a job during the summer and when she’s out of full time education she will be responsible for her own lifestyle.

xELENx · 26/06/2019 17:09

Your DD may be a student but she isn't a child. If she wants the luxuries (such as moving into a flat with her boyfriend) then she should pay for it. She needs to learn the value of money and that you have to work for what you want, it doesn't just get handed to you on a plate. I'd recommend she get a part-time job and perhaps cut back on nights out etc. It's all about compromise, she can't have everything... unless she's willing to work for it.

I'd continue to give her the amount you are currently paying towards her accommodation (or half of the new rent, whichever is lower) and tell her she'll need to get a part-time job to make up the shortfall. If moving in with her BF means that much to her then she'll do what she needs to do to facilitate it x

timeisnotaline · 26/06/2019 17:10

Hmm. I’d probably pay something but would have a serious discussion re the archaic comment. It’s not so much saying he should support her but at some point her decisions declare her an independent adult. These days it’s not black and white and you are trying to work out where these lines are. Moving in with a partner is quite an adult decision.

HollowTalk · 26/06/2019 17:12

Look at what you're paying now, eg £X rent and £Y food per week, or whatever. That rent covers the room she has now. I'd pay half of the cost of her new place and the full £Y per week.

Expressedways · 26/06/2019 17:12

I did the same in my final year of university with now DH although he was a grad student rather than working. My parents gave me the same allowance as the previous year, adjusted for inflation and let me decide what to do with it. DH’s dad did the same. Worked out fine in our case!

honeygirlz · 26/06/2019 17:13

If she’s going to be paying reduced rent as a result of living with her boyfriend then of course you should reduce the amount you pay her.

She’s a CF for expecting you to let her have more disposable income.

I paid for my uni Halls fee out of student loan. She’s very lucky to get any help from you.

needsomesleepy · 26/06/2019 17:14

My point is more they’re not old enough.

But this is not a point at all. You don't even know how old they are!

Old enough to share with friends but not old enough to share with a boyfriend?

sunshinesupermum · 26/06/2019 17:15

luxuries (such as moving into a flat with her boyfriend) then she should pay for it.

xELENx This is NOT a luxury it's a part of maintaining an adult relationship. As she is still studying for a degree then yes parents should still be supporting her. We did for our daughter is in a similar situation.

needsomesleepy · 26/06/2019 17:18

If she wants the luxuries (such as moving into a flat with her boyfriend) then she should pay for it. She needs to learn the value of money and that you have to work for what you want, it doesn't just get handed to you on a plate

But she IS having her living expenses 'handed to her' now. So for OP to withdraw her support because her DD chooses to live with a boyfriend rather then friends would simply be controlling.

You either agree to support then through study or you don't. You can't just decide to withdraw support because she chooses to live with someone else.

AyBeeCee10 · 26/06/2019 17:19

She can get a job and finance her new set up. It's like she wants to jump into the next step and expect mummy and daddy to do it for her. Its completely different to her in a house share. She needs to start figuring out how she intends to live with a partner and what's her obligations.

FrancisCrawford · 26/06/2019 17:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PettyContractor · 26/06/2019 17:21

Presumably the way the house-share subsidy was agreed was that she found out the cost, and you agreed it was reasonable and that you would cover it.

I'd presume the same procedure would apply for a new "houseshare" with the boyfriend. She propose the cost to you, and you decide if you'll cover the cost of her half. If, as some of us assumed, the cost is more, then you could refuse to pay more than what you know an alternative houseshare with more people would cost.

If as you've said, the pro rata cost of the new house-share is less, then of course you shouldn't pay more than half the total cost.

dodgeballchamp · 26/06/2019 17:22

Why are you paying her rent anyway, isn't that what her student/maintenance loan is for? Does she have a part time job?

I do think YABVU to expect the boyfriend to subsidise her though, why should he? Even as a grown adult if I was going to move in with a partner I wouldn't do it unless I could pay my share. I really don't think its relevant who she's living with or where she's living if you're subsidising her anyway, it's bizarre that you think because it's her boyfriend it should stop if you agreed to fund her through uni

slipperywhensparticus · 26/06/2019 17:23

I would probably put it in a savings account for if they took it further or if they split up so nice little nest egg for them boyfriend has been paying the rent on his own do dark all she would increase is food gas electric and she has a maintenance loan to cover that her council tax is free she is a student

SummerSix · 26/06/2019 17:27

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

katewhinesalot · 26/06/2019 17:29

I wouldn't pay more but I would continue to pay the same.

The only way I can see your point is if you really can't afford to help her out. You shouldn't struggle to support her if you really can't afford it and tbh if this was the case, she shouldn't ask you.

amusedbush · 26/06/2019 17:29

Let her get a job. Entitled little shit.

Fucking hell, aren't you a delight?? Hmm

OP, I think your views on this are really weird. Why does it matter who she is living with? She can't get by on her loans and you agreed to help her - you can't just change the terms halfway through. Pay what you agreed to and she can make up any difference with a part time job.

DateBanana · 26/06/2019 17:30

I totally agree with you OP. Moving in together means they are becoming a family and they should sort out their family finances between them. Yes, your daughter should get a job at the weekend and evenings to fund her share.

Lunde · 26/06/2019 17:31

House shares are usually a lot cheaper than a one-bed flat. I don't see why you would not continue to pay her share of the rent as you have been until she graduates.

It seems odd that you are pushing your student dd to be financially dependent on her bf when you must have bargained with helping her pay rent for her whole degree.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 26/06/2019 17:32

Wait just a moment.

She wants to be a student AND be an independent adult whilst living out of your purse?

Then she has to stop and think it through. She cannot expect you to subsidise him, that would be ridiculous. So she has to stop being chaildish and sayin gyou are being unfair. She has to sit down and work out the actual expenses and talk it through with you.

Unless of course you are absolutely loaded and can afford to keep him, her, Uncle Tom Cobbley and all - or a savings account - why do people suggest that? Is everyone excpet me on MN minted?

Mummyshark2018 · 26/06/2019 17:33

Yes you should pay her rent for the amount that you have up until now until she finishes uni- if this was the initial agreement and one which I'm sure she enrolled on her course thinking would be the case. It is irrelevant who she lives with really. Is it because you don't want her to live with a boy? If the situation was different and she wanted to move into a flat with one female best friend and rent costs were the same as that if she were in a larger shared house- would you pay?

PaddyMcGintysGoatee · 26/06/2019 17:34

Hmm. Pushing your DD into a situation where she’s financially dependent on a boyfriend is a pretty dick move, OP. What difference does it make to you anyway? Do you disapprove of cohabitation before marriage or something? Weird.

needsomesleepy · 26/06/2019 17:34

Moving in together means they are becoming a family and they should sort out their family finances between them.

They are. It just so happens part of her money comes from OP, because she is a student. Not any different to living in a flat share. Still a student, still getting a parental contribution.

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