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AIBU?

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Original poster

Not to bankroll DC if she moves in with her boyfriend?

222 replies

Dontwannabeadoormat · 26/06/2019 16:35

This is a theoretical situation but one DD and I have already fallen out over!
DD is a student who lives away from home in a houseshare with friends. We currently pay most of her rent and she gets a student loan for fees and some maintenance.
She has a lovely boyfriend and was musing about maybe moving in together, just her and him, next academic year. He will be working full time next year.
I said that if she lived as partners in a one bed flat it would be exciting of course, and the next big step in her life, but we would re-evaluate how we support her financially as they would be a new little unit, with him earning a decent salary.

She thinks this is awful and that we should continue to pay her rent just as before, and called my views archaic. I have a gut feeling that it seems a bit exploitative to set up home but still have mum and dad pay for it all. I didn't expect a penny once I moved in with my boyfriend- was a postgrad student though and worked evenings at a call centre to pay my way.
What do you all think? Have you been in this situation?

OP posts:
Waveysnail · 26/06/2019 17:34

Not any different to renting and sharing with friends yabu

bridgetreilly · 26/06/2019 17:35

I think it depends a bit on the actual numbers. I would absolutely not expect you to pay any more than you currently do. If her share of the new flat is similar to the current arrangement, I'd keep paying the same as you do now. But I agree, it would be ridiculous for you to be paying the majority of the rent in that situation.

cranstonmanor · 26/06/2019 17:35

My parents also thought that when I was 18 and moved in with my then-boyfriend (who also had a job) that he should take care of me. He turned into a controlling, jealous and agressive man and I had no funds to leave. I was also humiliated sexually by him. It was 20 years ago and still impacts the way I live my life. Don't do this to your daughter. Make sure she can take care of herself without him till she gets a real job.

dodgeballchamp · 26/06/2019 17:35

also moving in together does not in any way mean they're becoming a family! They're what, 21? They're not getting married!

LL83 · 26/06/2019 17:36

If I would pay her share of the friend with friends then i would also pay her share of rent with boyfriend. If rent is more or less I would her share of rent.

If I had agreed a fixed amount and she found a cheaper accommodation I may allow her to keep the additional, but in neither circumstance would boyfriend be living anywhere rent free/subsidised.

SleepingStandingUp · 26/06/2019 17:36

Are you aiming for her to not move in with him, or to get a job and support herself? I'm assuming the aim isn't to make her financially dependent on a man so she then feels stuck if things go wrong

If you currnetly pay say 500 a month now for rent and bills, I'd offer UP TO that but no more than half. So if living with bf costs 1200 all in, he or she can find the extra 100 for her share, but if its 800, you save 100.

If you're comfortably giving her the 500 then if you pay less with the new arangmenent, I'd put that 100 aside into savings for her for a deposit later or in case it goes tits up.

SleepingStandingUp · 26/06/2019 17:36

Are you aiming for her to not move in with him, or to get a job and support herself? I'm assuming the aim isn't to make her financially dependent on a man so she then feels stuck if things go wrong

If you currnetly pay say 500 a month now for rent and bills, I'd offer UP TO that but no more than half. So if living with bf costs 1200 all in, he or she can find the extra 100 for her share, but if its 800, you save 100.

If you're comfortably giving her the 500 then if you pay less with the new arangmenent, I'd put that 100 aside into savings for her for a deposit later or in case it goes tits up.

Luaa · 26/06/2019 17:36

I don't see why you are bank rolling her now to be honest.

xELENx · 26/06/2019 17:37

@sunshinesupermum it very much IS a luxury! She has perfectly good accommodation now and is choosing to move out of it to move in with her boyfriend. It's absolutely her right to do this, however, only if she can afford it - she can't. Her parents owe her nothing! The financial assistance they are providing is out of choice, not obligation.

Bit too much of a sense of entitlement for my liking!

Bluerussian · 26/06/2019 17:38

She is a student and I'm sure you wouldn't want her boyfriend subsidising her so carry on giving her the same. It won't be forever, she'll be working in the not too distant future.

CloserIAm2Fine · 26/06/2019 17:39

I think you should continue to pay the amount you’d pay if she was in a houseshare. Who she lives with is pretty irrelevant tbh. The cost to you is something it sounds like you’ve planned for and can afford. Penalising her for a relationship seems mean. If the flat with the boyfriend works out more expensive then absolutely she should get a job to cover the extra costs of her choice.

Why should her boyfriend financially support her? In a few years when she’s working, if she had a student boyfriend would you be happy for her to cover all his expenses?

CuriousaboutSamphire · 26/06/2019 17:40

also moving in together does not in any way mean they're becoming a family! They're what, 21? They're not getting married! Why does it not?

That's the point of moving in with only your boy/girlfriend, isn; it? To become a unit, a couple.

At that point you start being an independent adult.

We don't know what the actual numbers will be, how well off OP is, how much she is paying already, whether her DD has or could get a job.

The ONLY advice that is realistic is to have a sit down chat about the ralities of the situation, work out the finances and see what is equitable.

All else is projection...

ClownTent · 26/06/2019 17:41

I did similar to your DD when I was 18 - lived in halls for the first year and instead of moving in with friends for second and third years, moved in with my boyfriend. My parents couldn't afford to pay my way though, so I had to get a part time job. I paid half of everything and he worked full time.

Incidentally, he also turned out ot be controlling and abusive, and I didn't leave until I was 27. I'm not sure there is a moral to that story, but I saw a PP say similar!

sunshinesupermum · 26/06/2019 17:46

xELENx as long as her parents don't subsidize her any more than they already are then it is NOT a luxury.

As closer says it's irrelevant who she is sharing with, in reality. Her boyfriend shouldn't be expected to support her, just as no other flatmate would.

xELENx · 26/06/2019 17:49

@sunshinesupermum we'll have to agree to disagree as in my opinion, it IS a luxury! Her parents don't even HAVE TO pay for her current accommodation. She should be grateful that they are.

Silvia91 · 26/06/2019 17:50

I suppose you could request that the boyfriend pays half the rent and you pay half?

Original poster
Dontwannabeadoormat · 26/06/2019 17:52

DD is 20, BF a little older. I think we would qualify as the 'squeezed middle'- well enough off to mean DD gets a low maintenance loan but it is quite a struggle for us to fund her up to the government maximum level, especially as she isn't our only child at uni. There'll be no holiday for us this year and we have 10 year old cars.

I see living with friends in a flatshare as quite different to living as a couple. The couple thing seems to me to be the 'next level' in independence and life stage. Samphire - you've exactly summed up my own gut feeling.
I'm not against living together before marriage but equally see it as quite a significant step rather than a convenient living arrangement.

It still feels weird somehow, but I think the suggestion of half the rent, but only up to a maximum of this year's contribution might the the way to go. That said, it might never happen! It started off as a casual comment on DD's part and went from there.

OP posts:
ukgift2016 · 26/06/2019 17:54

Ah it is a nightmare.

In your shoes, I would still pay but at a reduced rate. If her boyfriend paying all or half the rent then she does not need so much money.

poglets · 26/06/2019 17:57

I would not pay more than I was paying for her house share. I'd encourage her to get a job for the difference. I'd continue to pay as long as she was meeting the requirements of her course and agreed academic objectives.
The rest they need to work out and manage themselves.

Ragwort · 26/06/2019 17:57

I think it is young to be moving in together rather than concentrating on her ‘student’ years instead of being in a serious relationship. My DS is heading off to uni soon and I would be disappointed if he ‘set up home’ & became a serious couple. When I was at uni (on the days of full grants and no fees Grin so no parental contribution needed) I very nearly flat shared with a boyfriend but I’m glad I didn’t in the end.
Friends in serious ‘couple’ relationship could get a bit isolated and, in my opinion, not make the most of their student days.

I know this isn’t exactly what the OP was asking but I can understand her reluctance to subsidise the relationship. As others have said, what happens if the relationship breaks down?

dodgeballchamp · 26/06/2019 17:58

Curious the way I read the family comment was that now they're a 'unit' he should subsidise the daughter. I don't agree with that at all, I don't think moving in together creates that obligation for him, but I also don't think capable adults should be financially dependent on anyone but themselves. If I was the BF I certainly wouldn't be happy about having to pay for everything, in that scenario if I was him I'd suggest delaying moving in til both had jobs. But that's by the by. I definitely don't think the OP should give the daughter more money if the one-bed flat is more than a houseshare

AllFourOfThem · 26/06/2019 17:58

You sound financially controlling.

katewhinesalot · 26/06/2019 17:59

Half the rent to the maximum of what you pay now sounds very fair.

NeverGotMyPuppy · 26/06/2019 18:00

I think given her attitude as you've described it here you need to be reducing support anyway. Plenty of people pay their own way through university, including me and my husband.
Anyway - on to the point. I agree that if he is moving in with her bf hat changes things. Moving with a bf at 20 is a luxury - if she cant afford it or isn't prepared to get a job- well than that's life, isn't it?

Accusing the OP of forcing her to be financially dependent on a man is hilarious. Talk about an MN bubble

NeverGotMyPuppy · 26/06/2019 18:00

Financially controlling? Are you having a laugh? We are talking about a 20 year old. Come off it. Lets not devalue serious issues like financial abuse.
Dear Lord.