AIBU? No engagement until after Sister’s wedding.

[ConkerGame]

Firstly, Daily Mail are f*cking scum.

DP and I have decided to get married next year However DP has said that we can’t get “officially” engaged (i.e. get a ring, announce to family and friends, start planning the wedding etc) until after his sister’s wedding at the beginning of October

We are not close to SIL and stb-BIL (see them maybe 3-4 times a year and try to keep contact down as they are generally quite rude to us both and to other family members). We know they are likely to be annoyed and to make digs if we get engaged before their wedding because they generally can’t be happy for other people and because one of the first things they said to us after they got engaged last year was “nobody better steal our thunder on our wedding day!” At the time DP and I weren’t considering marriage so I just thought they sounded a bit unhinged to be worrying about something like that. But now that we’re at this point I can see they will be annoyed at any perceived “thunder-stealing” in the run-up to the day too and I just don’t want to be putting our lives on hold for people that we don’t even like and aren’t close to (although I don’t want to cause any rifts in DP’s family, but I feel they would be the ones causing the rift IYSWIM?) We of course wouldn’t do it the week before - probably a couple of months before.

We don’t have any mutual friends and their family is quite small so the number of people who would be interested in both relationships is about 10. We would obviously NOT be spending their wedding talking loudly about our own engagement - all our focus would be on them and their day. We will probably see them twice between now and their wedding day and I’d be happy to focus our conversation on their day both times. I’m not interested in attention, I just want to start planning with DP!

The main reason I’m annoyed is that DP and I aren’t exactly spring chickens anymore - we are the last to get married in both of our friendship groups and we want to have DC eventually but want to be married first - if we don’t start planning our wedding until October then lots of places and providers will be booked up for next summer already, so we’ll either have less choice or have to delay our wedding until next autumn which I don’t really want to do! Also knowing them they will probably be annoyed if we announce before they are back from their honeymoon so that’s another couple of weeks’ delay!

AIBU?

I think they are batshit - who cares? - but also, you can still book places without having announced your engagement, can't you? You don't need to wait to plan just because they are asking you to wait to announce it

Just tell them. With any luck you will be uninvited from their big day! Why would you want to spend time with rude obnoxious people - family or not?

Eh? If you were planning to get married on the same day, DP might have a point, but why on earth shouldn't you get engaged when you want to?

Surely, if you've mutually agreed to get married, you are already engaged anyway - the ring and announcements are just props.

He’s being ridiculous

Of course you can announce and plan your wedding now. My DSis and I both got married in the same year - totally different weddings but both amazing days for everyone involved.

Are you serious? What if they buy a house, are you not allowed to buy a house for a suitable time? What if they announce a baby, do you have to wait a suitable period after baby is born? Announce the engagement or call it off because being married to mr my sister is the most important person in our relationship is rubbish.
We had three friends and family get engaged and married while we were engaged. Totally ok. Dh did once suggest we should wait till his elder brother was engaged and I told him that was batshit (he was very young at the time to be fair) and I couldn’t marry someone who just wanted a wife to fit in with the number one priority, his family.

Nothing stopping you planning and booking venues and keeping it quiet. Cousin did this. She had everything booked before she announced her engagement (stopped family interference with plans). Look now, get booked then announce engagement officially in October.

Why can’t you start organising things like the venue, church etc? They don’t need to know anything about that until you announce your engagement.

That's crazy.
Don't play along with their rubbish. Either you are engaged or not. If you have both agreed to be engaged announce it to whoever you want. It's not like you'll be getting married at the same time as them.
They'll be trying to control when you may or may not start a family next.

They sound nuts but agree don’t see why you have to put your plans on hold even if you decided hold off an announcement. Just start researching and booking what you want. If you’re worried about dates call round the family/ friends and say you’re planning a bash for some reason and wanted to check the day. But really if you’re talking a year in advance then people are unlikely to have a commitment they can’t move by October this year unless it’s another wedding or they’ve already booked a holiday.

I also agree pretty bizarre . Announcing on the day no but before a none issue . I also agree nothing bro stop you looking at venues now.

You can announce date venues after the wedding

Ffs, just do it
The wedding is 4 months away, makes no difference to their wedding

Total batshittery

Just go ahead and book your wedding now....
I agree they sound batshit but just delay the announcement until after their wedding...
you shouldn’t have to but they are who they are ...
This way you can enjoy your big day and the run up to it without aggravation and hassle and sniping comments ... you don’t want this special time to be soured and impacted by these people ...play the close to your chest game on this occasion...
Plus imagine the great feeling when you announce and also that it’s all arranged 😀
Perversely they’ll be annoyed at being kept in the dark but can’t say anything 😂

Congratulations on your happy news ❤️

I think they are batshit - who cares? - but also, you can still book places without having announced your engagement, can't you? You don't need to wait to plan just because they are asking you to wait to announce it

This ^

You dont have to wait to book shit. Just book it.

Your dh is being ridiculous. Announcing you engagement at the wedding would be a no no but announcing it now 3/4 months before the wedding is absolutely fine.

Will you have to put off ttc too because god forbid you have children at the same time

They'll be trying to control when you may or may not start a family next.

That’s a good point. How much capitulating to this stupid couple is your partner willing to do? Is he going to start stressing about you getting pregnant before her, because you know rightly that’ll be her next order, don’t you?

They are batshit.

But in the end engagement is between you and your Dp.

You are engaged NOW because you have agreed to marry. So get on with your wedding planning.

Announce it later, who cares?

Maybe agree with your Dp over the announcement, but get in with the planning. On the grounds that then you can announce it with date and venue.

Why is your DP bowing to their unrealistic and frankly attention seeking wishes? Will he seriously refuse to get engaged before their wedding? How dumb!

No reason not to start planning for next Autumn, engagement can be announced at Christmas or any other date, after their wedding.

We may or may not have eyed up venues, and provisionally booked somewhere prior to the engagement announcement.
This also had the advantage that nobody else got their tuppence worth in on the venue!

Why should they have to keep it secret? I don’t understand the posters saying the op should go along with this.

You don’t have to tell people you’re engaged but most people do straight away because it’s excitibg.

A wedding is important to the individuals, but life very much goes on for others, including marriage and babies. As long as you aren't booking the same day as them, it is fine. However if your partner isn't happy, there isn't much you can do.

I would suggest to start planning between yourselves and then officially announce your engagement in October. But honestly, I don't think your partner should be indulging a distant sibling in the first place

Nothing stopping you planning and booking venues and keeping it quiet.

This. Obviously the sibling is a bit nuts but sounds like your DP knows her well and wants to avoid conflict- that's understandable, given it's only four months away. I would however consider telling his parents (if you can trust them to keep it quiet) just so they don't do anything like book a holiday over the dates you're considering. It can be quite nice keeping something like that under your hats, just the two of you, anyway.

I'd be worried that your DP is going along with this against your wishes. What does this say about where you sit in his list of priorities? I wouldn't marry someone who wanted me to play second fiddle to the whims of his sister.

Book it and plan it all now then announce your engagement literally the day after they get married. Send a big message round at 7am or something. You can guarantee it'll pass them off because they're still in 'their wedding' time, but you haven't done anything wrong 😇

*piss them off - my phone disapproves of my swearing