AIBU? No engagement until after Sister’s wedding.

[ConkerGame]

Firstly, Daily Mail are f*cking scum.

DP and I have decided to get married next year However DP has said that we can’t get “officially” engaged (i.e. get a ring, announce to family and friends, start planning the wedding etc) until after his sister’s wedding at the beginning of October

We are not close to SIL and stb-BIL (see them maybe 3-4 times a year and try to keep contact down as they are generally quite rude to us both and to other family members). We know they are likely to be annoyed and to make digs if we get engaged before their wedding because they generally can’t be happy for other people and because one of the first things they said to us after they got engaged last year was “nobody better steal our thunder on our wedding day!” At the time DP and I weren’t considering marriage so I just thought they sounded a bit unhinged to be worrying about something like that. But now that we’re at this point I can see they will be annoyed at any perceived “thunder-stealing” in the run-up to the day too and I just don’t want to be putting our lives on hold for people that we don’t even like and aren’t close to (although I don’t want to cause any rifts in DP’s family, but I feel they would be the ones causing the rift IYSWIM?) We of course wouldn’t do it the week before - probably a couple of months before.

We don’t have any mutual friends and their family is quite small so the number of people who would be interested in both relationships is about 10. We would obviously NOT be spending their wedding talking loudly about our own engagement - all our focus would be on them and their day. We will probably see them twice between now and their wedding day and I’d be happy to focus our conversation on their day both times. I’m not interested in attention, I just want to start planning with DP!

The main reason I’m annoyed is that DP and I aren’t exactly spring chickens anymore - we are the last to get married in both of our friendship groups and we want to have DC eventually but want to be married first - if we don’t start planning our wedding until October then lots of places and providers will be booked up for next summer already, so we’ll either have less choice or have to delay our wedding until next autumn which I don’t really want to do! Also knowing them they will probably be annoyed if we announce before they are back from their honeymoon so that’s another couple of weeks’ delay!

AIBU?

Wow.. it's neither weak nor pathetic to want to be considerate of other peoples' plans. Calling OP's DP that because he wanted to be so is really mean!

He's not 'being considerate of other people's plans', he's indulging the monomania of two people he and the OP see only three or four times a year, but who appear to think that their wedding gets to occupy everyone's headspace for a period of several months, so one else is allowed to get pregnant/engaged/famous/married/seriously ill or whatever else this tragically self-absorbed couple would consider to be 'stealing their thunder'.

How barren of incident would your life have to be before you felt that getting married entitled you to book out 2019 so that no clashing sources of attention diluted your spotlight?

I never believed these types existed until I started to read Mn and saw frequent threads by people complaining about how their cousin thoughtlessly picked a wedding date the day of their wedding anniversary., or their dog's birthday, or their winter-born one-year-old's 'extra summer birthday'.

I'd try and understand my OHs feelings here. I don't think it would be unreasonable of you both to start preparations but I think as its only until October you dont need to rock the boat with his sister, no matter how unreasonable she is. I do agree with PPs that the other couple are self absorbed people but its not them you would be showing consideration for its your DP. You could even announce your engagement and wedding date on the same day and let everyone know you didnt announce sooner because you were being considerate of SiL and BiLs day.

She's daft. As long as you're not getting proposed to at her wedding, or so close to it that it might draw attention away at the reception, don't worry about it. By the time her wedding comes, everyone will be used to you two being engaged, no attention lost.

Sibling is nuts and overdramatic.
Weddings are nice and the couple cares lots but really it's not that big a deal to everyone else.

The sorts of people who think that someone else's happy announcement 4 months before their wedding means people won't have enough happiness or attention for them are they types of people who need kicking into touch and reminding that the world doesn't revolve around them.

Ridiculous of him to say this. I was married in May. SIL in November then other sister in law the following June. We were Al very happy for each other and helping each other put planning wise. If u reallt wana keep the peace jst book and plan your wedding and keep it quiet until after SIL wedding

I was going to bemoan anyone marrying a woman as stupid as this sister in law, but then I see that her fiance is just the same. So good idiot-idiot pairing.

just ignore this infantile behaviour. As long as you don't copy her frilly frock and wear it to the wedding, non-issue. How many other people will be marrying before them?

don't bother inviting them either.