AIBU? No engagement until after Sister’s wedding.

[ConkerGame]

Firstly, Daily Mail are f*cking scum.

DP and I have decided to get married next year However DP has said that we can’t get “officially” engaged (i.e. get a ring, announce to family and friends, start planning the wedding etc) until after his sister’s wedding at the beginning of October

We are not close to SIL and stb-BIL (see them maybe 3-4 times a year and try to keep contact down as they are generally quite rude to us both and to other family members). We know they are likely to be annoyed and to make digs if we get engaged before their wedding because they generally can’t be happy for other people and because one of the first things they said to us after they got engaged last year was “nobody better steal our thunder on our wedding day!” At the time DP and I weren’t considering marriage so I just thought they sounded a bit unhinged to be worrying about something like that. But now that we’re at this point I can see they will be annoyed at any perceived “thunder-stealing” in the run-up to the day too and I just don’t want to be putting our lives on hold for people that we don’t even like and aren’t close to (although I don’t want to cause any rifts in DP’s family, but I feel they would be the ones causing the rift IYSWIM?) We of course wouldn’t do it the week before - probably a couple of months before.

We don’t have any mutual friends and their family is quite small so the number of people who would be interested in both relationships is about 10. We would obviously NOT be spending their wedding talking loudly about our own engagement - all our focus would be on them and their day. We will probably see them twice between now and their wedding day and I’d be happy to focus our conversation on their day both times. I’m not interested in attention, I just want to start planning with DP!

The main reason I’m annoyed is that DP and I aren’t exactly spring chickens anymore - we are the last to get married in both of our friendship groups and we want to have DC eventually but want to be married first - if we don’t start planning our wedding until October then lots of places and providers will be booked up for next summer already, so we’ll either have less choice or have to delay our wedding until next autumn which I don’t really want to do! Also knowing them they will probably be annoyed if we announce before they are back from their honeymoon so that’s another couple of weeks’ delay!

AIBU?

Anyone else be so happy for their sis they genuinely wouldn’t care even if it was day before the wedding that engagement announced?!

Really ?!??!
Well then either
1 already plan your venue catering dress etc now and then tell people about it after your sil's wedding
2 reconsider marrying this man because he wants to put it off telling people to keep the peace?? You sure he is not just stalling and or using his sis as an excuse?

( i guess if you go for option 1 his reaction will tell you enough )

@Nodnol hahaha your suggestion of a September wedding is the best

How very odd. Unless you do a massive announcement on their wedding day how on earth is it going to affect them?

Is your whole life going to revolve around keeping this woman happy? I suggest you delay the engagement until DP grows a spine and stops facilitating this silliness.

Plan and book everything now for next summer.

Make sure you tell all the friends you really want there now and make sure no major clashes within your side of the family/closest friends. Send out save the dates etc to anyone not connected with SIL.

Tell said family/friends that you aren't announcing your engagement until after SIL's honeymoon.

Make sure SIL and all DH family are on total restrict on your social media.

Announce in Oct.

If SIL/MIL/any of the Misery Guts Side start creating a fuss that it's too soon and they are already booked up, be sooooo sorry that they can't come but look blank and confused and give vague smiles when they hassle you to change the date. If they really hassle you, burst into tears and run from the room :)

Is your whole life going to revolve around keeping this woman happy? I suggest you delay the engagement until DP grows a spine and stops facilitating this silliness.

Exactly. I wouldn't marry a man who puts his batshit sister's absurd demands before anything else. It will not end here, I guarantee it.

Is your whole life going to revolve around keeping this woman happy? I suggest you delay the engagement until DP grows a spine and stops facilitating this silliness.

Yep. The other option of course is to tell her to get to fuck now, because this will go on and on - think hard now whether, for example, keeping her happy will be more important to your DP than trying for a baby before she has one? Because if you think there's even an outside chance of that happening, you need very very stern words with him right now.

That’s ridiculous, does that means that if you get pregnant 3 months after her, you need to hide your pregnancy until after her baby is born to avoid stealing her thunder? It sounds ridiculous put this way but this is what she is asking you to do about her wedding.

It is really baf that you cannot celebrate and enjoy your own engagement, people lives go on while others are waiting to get married. But I think the problem here is not your SIL but your spineless fiancé thinking he can put you in the back burner to avoid upsetting a selfish girl.

But if the main worry is not able to start the planning until after her wedding, you are unreasonable, you can certainly start looking at places and making bookings before then, and most married people will tell you that they wished they have kept their planning to themselves to avoid the unwelcome level of family interference that comes with it.

Absolutely agree that the thing which is the real problem here isn't the wedding issue but the trying for babies which comes after it, and the DP's attitude.

Serious chat needed where OP makes it crystal clear that the wedding is one thing but there will be absolutely no question of them delaying TTC because of SIL/BIL.

I don’t think delaying the news of an engagement is any more reasonable that delaying the news of a pregnancy. Both such requests are as bad as each other.

Double wedding!

Book your big stuff- venue, photography etc and plan between yourselves and don’t tell them until later.
Tell your PIL but swear them to secrecy- say you’ve booked it so keep this date free but you’re announcing at Christmas out of respect for your SIL big day. No one can complain at that!
If SIL can’t make it it doesn’t sound like it would be any great loss.

"one of the first things they said to us after they got engaged last year was “nobody better steal our thunder on our wedding day!” "
Ooh, the temptation to announce your engagement at the actual wedding might be just too much for me !

But, more seriously - your fiancé needs to get a grip. And yes, he is already your fiancé, you have agreed to marry, that is what an engagement is. You are already engaged, you just haven't announced it yet.

As has already been pointed out, this could portend of your married life revolving around the wants and wishes of his sister, and your wants, wishes and needs being a much lower priority to him. Doesn't sound like the kind of marriage I would want to be in. Is it the kind of marriage YOU want to be in? I hope not.

He needs to grow the fuck up. He and his sister will never be close (the way he sees you and your siblings) and he needs to accept that he can do nothing to change that. She's not suddenly going to become all sweetness and light to him; hell's teeth, she's not even going to do it slowly! So why make things harder for you and himself, when it will achieve nothing? Are you going to delay house-hunting, children, career moves until she will grudgingly 'allow' them? It's nonsensical.

He is allowing his life to be dictated by her. Do YOU want your life dictated by HER? You and your fiancé need to sit down and talk this through. And if he can't see how unreasonable he is being, I would seriously consider whether I was willing to live my life according to his sister's peevishness. It WILL affect your happiness in the long run. Take this as a heads up to what married life like him will be like. Deal with it now, don't be fooled with false promises of 'just this once'. Because every other decision you'll hear that same false promise and it will kill your marriage.

I would tell SIL, as you are trying for a baby now, you want to tie the knot asap, but obviously after her date.
So as you know she is a bit sensitive on the issue you are telling her now, you are not stealing her thunder, but actually, the sun shines equally for everyone.

Get a gorgeous ring on your finger asap and wear it proudly.

I'd understand if the wedding was next week it wouldn't hurt to wait, but by October your engagement wouldn't even be news. Also if it's next year surely you need to book things and send invitations soon ish?

They are batshit - just announce now. It's 4 months in advance, they have no right to be annoyed.

We will probably see them twice between now and their wedding day and I’d be happy to focus our conversation on their day both times

Is this a new etiquette requirement? If you see a couple who are planning their wedding, all conversation MUST focus on their plans?! Christ, how boring. Anyone who expects this is deranged, and dull as fuck.

Ridiculous.
Firstly you are already engaged if you have decided to get married.
Secondly you can book venues and all the rest of it before officially announcing it.
Thirdly, you wouldn't be stealing anyone's thunder if you announced it now - doing it at the actual wedding would be well out of order, but four months before no.

I wouldn't be happy about DP delaying like this because he is frightened of what SIL is going to say about him stealing thunder. He has no backbone.
Talk to him again and say you want to get on with booking the wedding for the reasons you gave in your OP. Then see what he says.
Who asked who btw? Is this just a good excuse to delay?
Is he going to start delaying starting a family because you might steal SIL's thunder by having a baby before her or around the same time as her.

I've just come out of a relationship with a SIL from hell but most of the problems were caused by ex not standing up for me and being far too weak so she could push him around.
It needs sorting out now to prevent a lifetime of hell.

I once attended a wedding where the best man used his speech to announce that his girlfriend was pregnant AND propose to her. It was the most shameless act of thunder-stealing I will ever see. What you describe is not!

I 'got' engaged when I proposed with the ring to DW (in the rain, as it happens).

Told family members in due course. No big fanfare, or "planning to get engaged" or "engagement parties" required.

Compromise: book and organise your wedding but only announce it at Christmas.
We were already engaged and booked our wedding as it was really complicated to fix a date due to the need for simultaneous school holidays in two countries but avoiding the summer wedding season.... and when we announced it DH's sister and her BF said "oh we were going to get married next year"!!
In the end they got married the Saturday after us which meant postponing our honeymoon.....

Can you announce it to friends and your family and keep your dp family in the dark until after the wedding? If they complain they weren’t told you have a valid reason. Don’t delay booking and planning things, enjoy the build up with your friends it will cause more resentment toward sil if you miss out on dates etc because of her bridezilla attitude. If dp is very worried maybe he could have a private chat with his sister that he’s planning to propose but wants her blessing blah blah blah and reassure her it won’t steal her day? Congratulations and don’t let her control you.

One of the most ridiculous things I've ever heard! Not sure I'd want to marry such a weak man tbh!