AIBU? No engagement until after Sister’s wedding.

[ConkerGame]

Firstly, Daily Mail are f*cking scum.

DP and I have decided to get married next year However DP has said that we can’t get “officially” engaged (i.e. get a ring, announce to family and friends, start planning the wedding etc) until after his sister’s wedding at the beginning of October

We are not close to SIL and stb-BIL (see them maybe 3-4 times a year and try to keep contact down as they are generally quite rude to us both and to other family members). We know they are likely to be annoyed and to make digs if we get engaged before their wedding because they generally can’t be happy for other people and because one of the first things they said to us after they got engaged last year was “nobody better steal our thunder on our wedding day!” At the time DP and I weren’t considering marriage so I just thought they sounded a bit unhinged to be worrying about something like that. But now that we’re at this point I can see they will be annoyed at any perceived “thunder-stealing” in the run-up to the day too and I just don’t want to be putting our lives on hold for people that we don’t even like and aren’t close to (although I don’t want to cause any rifts in DP’s family, but I feel they would be the ones causing the rift IYSWIM?) We of course wouldn’t do it the week before - probably a couple of months before.

We don’t have any mutual friends and their family is quite small so the number of people who would be interested in both relationships is about 10. We would obviously NOT be spending their wedding talking loudly about our own engagement - all our focus would be on them and their day. We will probably see them twice between now and their wedding day and I’d be happy to focus our conversation on their day both times. I’m not interested in attention, I just want to start planning with DP!

The main reason I’m annoyed is that DP and I aren’t exactly spring chickens anymore - we are the last to get married in both of our friendship groups and we want to have DC eventually but want to be married first - if we don’t start planning our wedding until October then lots of places and providers will be booked up for next summer already, so we’ll either have less choice or have to delay our wedding until next autumn which I don’t really want to do! Also knowing them they will probably be annoyed if we announce before they are back from their honeymoon so that’s another couple of weeks’ delay!

AIBU?

How about tell everyone who won’t object to the news, book venue, ask the others after sil/bil wedding and if they can’t come - result! Otherwise just tell them now, it’s your life- you only steal thunder if you announce it at their wedding or perhaps use the event to save postage and hand your invites out to guests who’d attend both ( there’s an idea if you want to split ties!)

3 months is nothing, set dates and make plans but do not announce. It’s a batshit idea to think you will to steal their limelight but just enjoy making your plans. You don’t need their approval

Go right ahead and announce your wonderful news! Things are never going to improve with your future inlaws and will continue with every event in their so important lives, so start by getting on with your life now!

Astounded that they would care when or if you or anyone got engaged before or even during their wedding. They seem very immature. Not a question of stealing thunder but surely doing what people often do after being together for a while?

Do what you want, when you want .... but you know that anyway! 💕✅

I'm getting married in 2.5 weeks. Booked it under 4 wks ago.

Honestly if you were hit by a bus tomorrow would he still think you should have waited to announce it. Life is short. Things happen. Live it.

Actually booked it 3 weeks ago on the phone and did licence week later. Crack on and you could be a July bride too!

I’d be more worried that my DP was putting your lives on hold for this pair of batshitcrazy buggers that neither of you are even bothered about.

Just tell them. It's your news, your day and your excitement. It's not as if you are announcing on their wedding day.

My partner and I got engaged 6 weeks before my sisters wedding. My Dad had asked that we wait until after my sisters wedding to share the news, as we had just had a baby and my sister was already being weird about that (as it supposedly took attention off her in the lead up to her wedding I've since discovered). We waited until 8 weeks after my sisters wedding to share the news and she was still so horrid about it. She felt I was taking the attention off her and was very nasty to us.

Anyway. We learnt that we shouldn't have bothered waiting and should have shared our news at the time as those people who truly care about us are happy regardless of when we announced.

We also booked venue, registrar and photographers before telling people.

I would just go for it and if they cant be happy for you, then more fool them. It's not as if you are announcing on their wedding day.

that is a very bizarre reason not to get engaged. are you sure he really wants to marry you?

Erm so the whole of the next 4 months revolves solely around your in-laws? Fuck that!
Go the whole hog and get pregnant announce it all!
I hate these people that think their wedding means everyone else's lives have to stop! Ffs it's a wedding - one day!

We got married 7 weeks after bil and sil....i can’t remember who was booked first but there was very little crossover of guests etc as theirs was a destination wedding and very few dh family attended. Good job my sil is not petty about stuff like that though as we also announced our pregnancy 4 weeks before they announced theirs! (Not purposefully, I didn’t even know they were trying). Life’s not a competition and we weren’t going to hold off doing things at our pace in case we offended other people....if she’s offended then she’s batshit. Let her make a show of herself (and him).

I would get engaged, book wedding (have a simple affair soon), send invites and then start making babies. Your life?

He’s overthinking it, big time. Not many people are particularly bothered by engagement announcements anyway.

I’d crack on and tell him to sort his priorities and life out!

Why are you marrying such a wuss? He won't stand up to this madness? That's your real problem @ConkerGame ! I'd sit him for and ask how he plans to cope with REAL problems when they arise in your life together, given he can't stand up to a couple of mad relatives.

I'd go no contact with BIL and SIL also but then I literally have zero tolerance for other ppl's nonsense. Try it, it's very liberating!

When are you allowed to announce your engagement - the day after the wedding? Isn't that much more likely to 'steal their thunder'?

We had the same with my SIL. My fiance had proposed, but not sorted the ring so we hadn't announced it. Meanwhile his younger sister gets engaged. We wanted to get married the same year (albeit three months after their wedding). Also wanting to start a family and wanting to be married first. She was five years younger than us. Anyway, she, and my in laws refused to attend our wedding if we had it the same year as her!!! My mil was in tears about it. My SIL was tantruming. In the end, for the sake of my DP we delayed by a year. My SIL was still jealous of our big day. Never congratulated us or said I looked nice etc. Even tried to control what we did the next day when we'd planned a BBQ/party with guests who had travelled far. I wish that we'd stuck to our guns tbh. She was and still is a but of an immature brat.

If you do delay though, make sure that you announce it the day after their wedding (or during their speeches) or show up with a cushion stuffed up your dress! 😉

Your bill and sil will rain on your parade no matter what you do.
There are a type of people that are far to outwardly focussed and bitter. You cannot please them.
They will find a reason to be horrid to you both regardless, your partner will not be able to placate them...it will never be enough.
If your future dh continues down this path he is going to be very unhappy. They are who they are and no matter how nice he tries to be, they will never behave appropriately and they will never be the family he wants.
The sooner he understands this and accepts it the better your life will be together- and the happier he’ll be.

@beerincome yes I agree, I think you are right. I just feel so sorry for DP on that front he just doesn’t have the family he wants to have.

Well, @Conkergame you're going to be his family now, so it's time he starts putting you first.

Just do it.
It's an engagement not the birth of Christ.

Wow.. it's neither weak nor pathetic to want to be considerate of other peoples' plans. Calling OP's DP that because he wanted to be so is really mean!

Not that I think he's right. But OP if you want to keep the peace then I'd just tell my closest friends to keep it quiet and then start booking things for your own wedding. Lack of IL interferance in the planning stage is a win!

Congratulations on your engagement!

Get engaged, plan/book your wedding and announce to family and friends after their 'thunder' has taken place.

If anyone asks why you didn't tell them sooner say that you kept it quiet because you were under strict instructions not to steal the limelight.

Sounds like excuses

Its not 100% necessary but I do think it's very polite of him. I think you can wait tbh.

I would book venues you want and just wait to do the official announcement/ring.