AIBU? No engagement until after Sister’s wedding.

[ConkerGame]

Firstly, Daily Mail are f*cking scum.

DP and I have decided to get married next year However DP has said that we can’t get “officially” engaged (i.e. get a ring, announce to family and friends, start planning the wedding etc) until after his sister’s wedding at the beginning of October

We are not close to SIL and stb-BIL (see them maybe 3-4 times a year and try to keep contact down as they are generally quite rude to us both and to other family members). We know they are likely to be annoyed and to make digs if we get engaged before their wedding because they generally can’t be happy for other people and because one of the first things they said to us after they got engaged last year was “nobody better steal our thunder on our wedding day!” At the time DP and I weren’t considering marriage so I just thought they sounded a bit unhinged to be worrying about something like that. But now that we’re at this point I can see they will be annoyed at any perceived “thunder-stealing” in the run-up to the day too and I just don’t want to be putting our lives on hold for people that we don’t even like and aren’t close to (although I don’t want to cause any rifts in DP’s family, but I feel they would be the ones causing the rift IYSWIM?) We of course wouldn’t do it the week before - probably a couple of months before.

We don’t have any mutual friends and their family is quite small so the number of people who would be interested in both relationships is about 10. We would obviously NOT be spending their wedding talking loudly about our own engagement - all our focus would be on them and their day. We will probably see them twice between now and their wedding day and I’d be happy to focus our conversation on their day both times. I’m not interested in attention, I just want to start planning with DP!

The main reason I’m annoyed is that DP and I aren’t exactly spring chickens anymore - we are the last to get married in both of our friendship groups and we want to have DC eventually but want to be married first - if we don’t start planning our wedding until October then lots of places and providers will be booked up for next summer already, so we’ll either have less choice or have to delay our wedding until next autumn which I don’t really want to do! Also knowing them they will probably be annoyed if we announce before they are back from their honeymoon so that’s another couple of weeks’ delay!

AIBU?

You could announce your engagement at their wedding! Maybe just before the speeches! Or DP could get down on one knee to you just as they’re about to start the first dance!

My sister put out a similar decree. We planned the whole wedding secretly and got officially engaged 6 days after her wedding. You can tell the important people discreetly what the date is but the couple will be in blissful ignorance. It's a bonkers way to have to behave, but for us it meant all relationships were preserved and we got our wedding when we wanted.

How is getting engaged now going to steal anyone's thunder in October?

I think your DP is being too cautious, or it's an excuse.

It sounds all very odd. I don't see why your engagement can't be announced now, so that it's "old news" by the time of their wedding, rather than people asking if / when you'll "be next". Whether you announce it or not you can book everything. The only possible issue would be wearing your ring around his family before you tell them.

Why does he get to decide? Tell him you're telling your friends and family.

I think it’s a bit rude to announce your engagement during immediate family’s wedding preparations. Like it or not it does divert attention. In OP’s case it’s even more ridiculous because they only have to wait until October!

How is getting engaged now going to steal anyone's thunder in October?

Exactly. No way should you be expected to put your lives on hold.

When DH and I got engaged, this brother (ten years his senior) rushed to propose to his girlfriend and they rushed their wedding plans so it happened four months before ours. We didn’t care.

You don't need an announcement to organise a wedding so the fact you're trying to conflate the two seems odd to me.
You're trying to pin this on your SIL but it's your DP who doesn't want to announce the engagement until after their wedding.
Either you respect your DP's wishes on this or you don't. But if you can't even agree on when/how to get engaged and when to start planning the wedding, maybe you aren't ready to be engaged. Between you both, you're turning the decision to get married into a competitive sport with your SIL. Maybe take a step back and remind yourself what getting married really means to you.

Another one saying you can still start planning your wedding before announcing it to everyone.

But you shouldn’t have to. I’m constantly amazed by the twattishness some people are prepared to pander to.

Does he really want to marry you? Sounds like a delaying tactic to me

Their wedding is months away and as long as you don’t go on and on about your wedding and don’t rope that side of the family into planning then you won’t be stealing anyone thunder.
But if you really don’t want to announce it yet, you can still plan and book the places you want! Then announce it and send out save the dates/invites shortly after.

Hmm...are you sure your DP actually wants to get married? Sounds like an excuse to me.

If he did, getting on with your lives and starting to plan your wedding would not be put on hold.

I think
If they are very touchy( and they sound it) and we’re getting married next month, then hold back. But October? That’s months away.

When do you plan to marry? If it’s say next summer you could plan it and book it now and announce at Xmas, if you are feeling very generous. Otherwise announce now and let them grow up and realise the world will keep turning all through their engagement.

I would have a long hard think about if you really, want to marry this man.

Do you want your wedding, pregnancies, baby names etc all planned around not upsetting one person?

Your DP may not have a line. You need to and it needs to start that your life will not be dictated around hers now.

Announce it now -that way there’s a few months for the news to get out so you can’t be accused of any thunder stealing closer to the wedding.

We got engaged on New year's Eve and married in the may that year. Maybe just tell both lots of parents and swear to secrecy until after Oct wedding and you can then get planning now and have a short engagement.
FWIW I think the whole thing about stealing people's thunder with weddings and babies is utter madness. Why would anyone get married or have a baby for any other reason other than wanting to get married or have a child. One of my sister s in law told me off once for being pregnant when it wasn't my turn!!!!! Utter madness. Life is not a competition between siblings and people should be allowed to announce their engagement at the point they decide to get married. I had 2 brothers get married a month apart and I had a baby within a week of one SIL. The boys are best mates and it is great they are almost twins!

Threaten to announce it at the wedding if he refuses to do it before.

What your dp has not yet learned is that if it weren’t this, it would be something else. If you announce it just after the wedding, you will be stealing their thunder because you should have waited til after the honeymoon. Then if you answer it after the honeymoon, you’ll have been stealing their thunder because she’s pregnant. And then it will be their first Christmas as a couple and the baby scan... and.. and.. and... Before you know it, next spring will have rolled around and you’ll have to postpone the entire wedding because the your date will clash with the rebirth of the messiah.

I have a brother and sil like this. Seriously. Just tell your dp he is an adult and equal. Tough luck if they get gripey. They are the unreasonable ones, not you. Your happiness is the most important thing and you are not stepping on anyone’s toes by announcing it now.

Thanks everyone - glad to see IANBU! To those saying DP might be delaying for another reason, he’s genuinely not. Family is important to him and I think it really bothers him that he’s not as close to SIL and BIL as he’d like to be (we are close to my brother and sister and their spouses and to both sets of parents and he wants the same with his sibling) and he just doesn’t want to do anything that might rock the already rocky boat further. It really upsets him when they make bitchy comments and I think he’s just trying to avoid being put in that position even more often than usual and about something that should be a special day for us.

I do agree with him that if we announced it before their wedding there would definitely be negative repercussions with them but I agree with PPs who have said we can’t win with them anyway, so might as well go ahead as next it will be we are not allowed to TTC.

I hadn’t thought of announcing to others but not to them. That could work as long as we didn’t tell his extended family too. I’m sure his parents would be happy to keep the secret. I didn’t think we could start planning without announcing, as we’d need to check the date with all friends and family (they all book holidays miles in advance! And some will be invited to other weddings), but it could work if we tell everyone apart from his extended family.

Hmm, will have to speak to DP, wish me luck!

The only way you could steal their thunder was if your dp proposed just as they were about to say "I do" .Book your wedding.

I agree with magoria: have a long, long think about what your life will be like married to a man who feels he has to plan his life around his sister's moods and demands. Completely unreasonable behaviour; she's his sister, she should be happy for him to be in love and getting engaged himself..

If he can't see this, then you will likely be miserable married to him.

I did however have one friend who announced her engagement at one of my brother's weddings and that did somewhat steal the thunder. Partly because she had only known this guy about a month and so everyone was talking about how mad it was. They also turned up in jeans and woolly jumpers so caused a sensation generally. Unsurprisingly the engagement was called of a few weeks later!!

Your DP needs to stop pandering to her self obsessed bullshit.

Can you book the weeding out of Swanson so holidays aren’t affected

Go for a Christmas or new year date instead

How could announcing your engagement now ‘steal thunder’ from another event happening three months later?

I could understand it if you announced it the same day, but three months before? That’s really odd.

And how will anyone know about booking things? Weird.

I think the expectation that no-one else will get on with their own lives is utterly insane and unreasonable, but you may be dealing with utterly insane and unreasonable people. You don't want them rendering all your planning and wedding itself a misery. but they might do that anyway

I think I would crack on and make all the key decisions about dates and venues etc. Have it all set up and ready to go and give everyone 6 months notice at some point after their wedding . Have a lovely fun secret. But I am a low key about such stuff , think "getting engaged" is bullshit, never wanted a ring, & we organised our wedding in 4 months. I appreciate everyone's different though.