AIBU? No engagement until after Sister’s wedding.

[ConkerGame]

Firstly, Daily Mail are f*cking scum.

DP and I have decided to get married next year However DP has said that we can’t get “officially” engaged (i.e. get a ring, announce to family and friends, start planning the wedding etc) until after his sister’s wedding at the beginning of October

We are not close to SIL and stb-BIL (see them maybe 3-4 times a year and try to keep contact down as they are generally quite rude to us both and to other family members). We know they are likely to be annoyed and to make digs if we get engaged before their wedding because they generally can’t be happy for other people and because one of the first things they said to us after they got engaged last year was “nobody better steal our thunder on our wedding day!” At the time DP and I weren’t considering marriage so I just thought they sounded a bit unhinged to be worrying about something like that. But now that we’re at this point I can see they will be annoyed at any perceived “thunder-stealing” in the run-up to the day too and I just don’t want to be putting our lives on hold for people that we don’t even like and aren’t close to (although I don’t want to cause any rifts in DP’s family, but I feel they would be the ones causing the rift IYSWIM?) We of course wouldn’t do it the week before - probably a couple of months before.

We don’t have any mutual friends and their family is quite small so the number of people who would be interested in both relationships is about 10. We would obviously NOT be spending their wedding talking loudly about our own engagement - all our focus would be on them and their day. We will probably see them twice between now and their wedding day and I’d be happy to focus our conversation on their day both times. I’m not interested in attention, I just want to start planning with DP!

The main reason I’m annoyed is that DP and I aren’t exactly spring chickens anymore - we are the last to get married in both of our friendship groups and we want to have DC eventually but want to be married first - if we don’t start planning our wedding until October then lots of places and providers will be booked up for next summer already, so we’ll either have less choice or have to delay our wedding until next autumn which I don’t really want to do! Also knowing them they will probably be annoyed if we announce before they are back from their honeymoon so that’s another couple of weeks’ delay!

AIBU?

You can still plan OP. No one has to know really under after then and no one really gives a toss about the planning part. Just the arriving on the day bit.

How is them not knowing stopping you from planning?

You are already engaged - tell everyone, celebrate all you want. If your DP has a problem letting his family know he is engaged, you have a major DP problem.

You have decided to get married - therefore you're engaged. You don't need a big party, announcement, etc. Just tell people, the only way your SIL & BIL could possibly accuse you of trying to "steal their thunder" is if you make a big thing out of it. So don't, just quietly tell people as & when you see them, & start planning. If SIL & BIL complain, tell them it's not a big issue as you're not getting married until next year, & feign confusion over any accusations of "thunder-stealing".

You've decided to get married so you are already engaged, the rest is just words. Tell everyone now, if his sister is going to be annoyed she will be annoyed if you wait till a month or so after the wedding. I think you'll have weeks of chat about how wonderful and perfect her big day was that she will not want to curtail.

You do need to talk to your dp as next will be no ttc until they do and fireworks if you conceive first.

Why do they need to be quiet about their own engagement? What’s the point of getting officially engaged if you cannot shout it from the rooftops, show your wedding ring and enjoy all the nice feelings that come with it, because bridezilla will get upset? That’s rubbish, she doesn’t have the monopoly of life milestone celebrations.

Now, nice thing of not telling anyone about the engagement is that you can back track and leave without explanations when you start getting the right idea about what kind of husband you are getting once you have accepted to get married. I guess once you get the ring or the yes, most people start behaving towards each other in the way they will after marriage.

I wouldn’t leave the bastard provided he can grow a spine and put yourselves in an equal footing as the SIL before getting married.

A wedding and likewise an engagement really only matter to the couple involved. So unless you're planning on having a big knees up party with bells and whistles on, then most outsiders aren't interested apart from a cursory glance at the bling you've acquired and perhaps a glass of something to wish you well.

There really is a lot of bonkers behaviour about weddings nowadays, isn't there?
You sound perfectly reasonable and sane, OP!

If you want to get married next summer with a traditional-style Saturday wedding then you need to start booking the venue now. And to do that you need to be able to check dates with those people you really want to be there. Therefore, disregarding your bonkers SIL, it will male things more tricky for your own wedding if you don’t tell people.

Secondly if you wait until after their wedding, they will start to dictate your date by when they are ttc & that SIL might be too pregnant for whatever date you have chosen.

Hi OP

You are unofficially engaged. October isn't too far away. Even if you got officially engaged tomorrow youd still spend a good few weeks or months looking at venues and thinking about numbers etc so why dont you just crack on and then you wo t have lost anything in terms of time. You can go ring shopping and order it and just not wear it til October if that's what you want

Tell no one. Book everything. Send invites after their wedding.

No one needs to know you spent 18 months planning it.

At least no one will be bored of you talking about it

Good grief. The wedding is months away! Announcing your engagement now will have absolutely no impact on their day. None.

You need to explain this to your DP and half about what you're setting yourself up for in the future, re: wedding timing, having kids and everything else. You can't have your life decisions revolving round your SIL's calendar.

Half= talk. I wish there was a quick edit feature here.

Do what my sister did and announce the engagement the day after my wedding

is your DP royalty, or ennobled? If not, I hardly see an issue.

They should the sort of people who will be disgruntled by you having a baby first, a house, a dog, a fart etc etc. You have to consider that everything through life that you and your partner do will, in their eyes, over shadow what they do - but only if you let them.

What is the difference between officially and unofficially engaged? I’ve only ever heard it mentioned on Mn. Either you have decided to get married and therefore are engaged or you’re not!

@parker231 before or after the announcement in The Times :)

Don’t pander to this batshittery. Get pregnant immediately and announce it at the reception.

Get pregnant and announce it on their wedding day just to spite them

I wouldn’t pander to this level of batshit crazy. Which is exactly what you’re doing if you delay announcing your engagement. Why should you have to keep it a secret because some bridezilla thinks she gets more than one day?

I'd book it and send out save the date cards to everyone. People will know what it means but it can be very low key and doesn't require fuss or draw attention away from the other happy couple. Then you can start talking about your engagement/wedding after theirs in October.

Congratulations by the way OP.

I would start planning it now and send out ‘save the date cards’. It’s not thunder stealing unless you do it in the same week as their wedding. You’re talking about a wedding four months away, they would be crazy to think you were doing this purposely.

I think it would be better to announce now than shortly after their wedding. As isn't that more likely to steal their thunder? They aren't getting married till October so yeah I'd announce it now.