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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? No engagement until after Sister’s wedding.

206 replies

ConkerGame · 22/06/2019 09:55

Firstly, Daily Mail are f*cking scum.

DP and I have decided to get married next year Smile However DP has said that we can’t get “officially” engaged (i.e. get a ring, announce to family and friends, start planning the wedding etc) until after his sister’s wedding at the beginning of October Sad

We are not close to SIL and stb-BIL (see them maybe 3-4 times a year and try to keep contact down as they are generally quite rude to us both and to other family members). We know they are likely to be annoyed and to make digs if we get engaged before their wedding because they generally can’t be happy for other people and because one of the first things they said to us after they got engaged last year was “nobody better steal our thunder on our wedding day!” At the time DP and I weren’t considering marriage so I just thought they sounded a bit unhinged to be worrying about something like that. But now that we’re at this point I can see they will be annoyed at any perceived “thunder-stealing” in the run-up to the day too and I just don’t want to be putting our lives on hold for people that we don’t even like and aren’t close to (although I don’t want to cause any rifts in DP’s family, but I feel they would be the ones causing the rift IYSWIM?) We of course wouldn’t do it the week before - probably a couple of months before.

We don’t have any mutual friends and their family is quite small so the number of people who would be interested in both relationships is about 10. We would obviously NOT be spending their wedding talking loudly about our own engagement - all our focus would be on them and their day. We will probably see them twice between now and their wedding day and I’d be happy to focus our conversation on their day both times. I’m not interested in attention, I just want to start planning with DP!

The main reason I’m annoyed is that DP and I aren’t exactly spring chickens anymore - we are the last to get married in both of our friendship groups and we want to have DC eventually but want to be married first - if we don’t start planning our wedding until October then lots of places and providers will be booked up for next summer already, so we’ll either have less choice or have to delay our wedding until next autumn which I don’t really want to do! Also knowing them they will probably be annoyed if we announce before they are back from their honeymoon so that’s another couple of weeks’ delay!

AIBU?

OP posts:
CruellaFeinberg · 22/06/2019 10:50

@Teddybear45
I think it’s a bit rude to announce your engagement during immediate family’s wedding preparations. Like it or not it does divert attention. In OP’s case it’s even more ridiculous because they only have to wait until October!

Are you the SIL - of course it doesn't divert attention, loads of people are engaged RIGHT NOW does that divert attention from the person planning on getting married? no,

SIL is batshit - DP had better decide soon if he will be putting the OP first, or his family if he is marrying the OP. Obviously his family should be important, but this is not normal behaviour

Normal behaviour is being pleased that your siblings/friends/family are happy and getting married, not sulking because it takes the shine off your wedding day

RHTawneyonabus · 22/06/2019 10:51

It took me years to suss out my in-laws weird family dynamics and then a few more to decide I wasn’t going to go along with them. Consider this a head start and put you foot down now. Announcing an engagement and a save the date card in June will not detract from anything happening in Oct FFS

katseyes7 · 22/06/2019 10:51

My cousin (who is like a sister to me) was my bridesmaid when l got married.
We got married in July, and a while before that, my cousin and her boyfriend got engaged, and they arranged their wedding for October.
l was delighted for both of them, and it was lovely to have that to look forward to.

Besides anything else, you might struggle to make arrangements for next year if you wait til after October! Most places are booked well in advance.

Tuktuktaker · 22/06/2019 10:52

I'm sorry, I had to come back after your update, OP - if you announce your engagement now, tomorrow, say, the Sil's wedding is MORE THAN THREE MONTHS AWAY! (Sorry to shout, but really! Think about it, over 90 days away!) Why on earth should your engagement announcement detract from the fact of her wedding happening in October? I really don't understand this and if I were you, would be tempted to leave it and announce my engagement at the wedding. Grin How precious can you get? Honestly, this stupidity (not yours, OP) really annoys me!

S1naidSucks · 22/06/2019 10:55

You know loads of people are going to be asking you “are you going to be next? When do you plan on getting married?”, etc at the wedding, OP. That’s always the way at weddings, so she’ll probably be pissed off about that.

eggsandwich · 22/06/2019 10:56

His sister could be pregnant when it comes to your wedding so wouldn’t that be classified as stealing YOUR thunder on your wedding day.

S1naidSucks · 22/06/2019 10:57

The only way you could steal their thunder was if your dp proposed just as they were about to say "I do" .Book your wedding.

Grin

Or turn up in a wedding dress and announce to the attendees that it’s a double wedding. Grin

NancyJoan · 22/06/2019 10:59

So for a whole year, between their announcement and wedding, no one is allowed to get engaged/married/pregnant/anything else of note? Fuck that.

Either announce it now, and get planning, or keep it yourself and get planning, accepting that some people won't be able to come (actually, this will happen regardless).

Your partner is kidding himself if he thinks that you two not announcing this will strengthen his relationship with his sister.

daisypond · 22/06/2019 11:00

Just get engaged. I’ve never heard of people actually announcing an engagement, like it’s a thing. Don’t you just get engaged and then gradually tell people when you next meet up?

8misskitty8 · 22/06/2019 11:00

Do it now op. If you wait until after the wedding they will accuse you of stealing their thunder anyway, since it will be their first Christmas coming up as a married couple.
They sound awful op.

tenlittlecygnets · 22/06/2019 11:00

I’d announce your engagement at their wedding. During the speeches. That would be great!

Nah, not really. But they are batshit. Just get on and organise your day and pay no attention to them.

S1naidSucks · 22/06/2019 11:01

Am I the only one hoping that someone else will announce their engagement or pregnancy at the wedding? evil 😈

drowningincustard · 22/06/2019 11:04

Like others have said - you have made the decision to get married, so start planning.
If you want to keep the peace with family then just keep schtum about the details till after the wedding and honeymoon.

ZenNudist · 22/06/2019 11:05

Plan wedding. You need to book venue then might as well save the date. So need to announce the engagement.

I think your dh is being over concerned.

whatswithtodaytoday · 22/06/2019 11:05

Start TTC now and with luck you'll be able to announce your pregnancy at their wedding 😁

Cryalot2 · 22/06/2019 11:07

I can see your point.
How about doing what has already been suggested , book all but not announce the engagement until planned .
Some families can be a pain.

ForeignBodies · 22/06/2019 11:08

OP, are you sure your DP isn’t using this as an excuse to delay the engagement?

Your SIL sounds like a delusional primadonna. But why on Earth is your DP going along with this madness?

TeacupDrama · 22/06/2019 11:09

announcing your engagement at their wedding is stealing thunder ( or even in the two weeks running up to it) but announcing it more than 3 months earlier is not

even assuming wedding is 1st October that is a 100 days away just get on with it arrange wedding for 2020 and ttc when you want
you said you were older so if you are 35+ even a extra year makes a difference to fertility, I was like you I wanted to be married first we were going to get married in December but my sisters baby was due in December so we moved it to March she came with 3 month old baby we only had about 15 people so I wanted my sister and obviously she could not come at 8.5 months pregnant or with a 2 week old baby but I didn't move it for a good friend due in March she didn't come.

Amibeingdaft81 · 22/06/2019 11:10

Can’t believe you’re considering marrying this man OP. Your standards are low. And by low I mean gutter-low

Seaweed42 · 22/06/2019 11:10

Get the ring, tell them now. You could tell them first if you want, because 'you said not to steal your thunder so we thought we better do it well before your wedding'.
It's over 3 months before their wedding and there's a No Family Good News media blackout being imposed on you.

Illberidingshotgun · 22/06/2019 11:10

Your DP (and probably the rest of the family) are enabling this ridiculous, self-absorbed behaviour.

They are getting married - something a large percentage of people will do at least once in their lifetime. It will be a lovely, happy day for them, but it's hardly a unique occurrence. What happens when you want to move house, start a family, buy a new car etc?? Will you not be able to do those things unless they are happy with the timing?

Get engaged, make the announcement, and then get on quietly and plan your wedding. You don't even need to talk to them about it.

Amibeingdaft81 · 22/06/2019 11:11

OP, are you sure your DP isn’t using this as an excuse to delay the engagement?

It’s either this

Or a very weak pathetic man

Hadalifeonce · 22/06/2019 11:13

You are engaged, that is what agreeing to getting married means.

You can start planning and booking as much as you want, you don't have to tell anyone what you are doing if you don't want to.

81Byerley · 22/06/2019 11:14

I agree with others who have said that you're engaged as soon as you decide to get married. Plan and book everything now, order your dress if you like, and keep your lovely secret. I'd wait until Christmas to announce it, personally!

Nodnol · 22/06/2019 11:14

Fuck that. Bugger an engagement, have a wedding in September. 😈

She will find fault in anything you do, so do what you want.