AIBU? No engagement until after Sister’s wedding.

[ConkerGame]

Firstly, Daily Mail are f*cking scum.

DP and I have decided to get married next year However DP has said that we can’t get “officially” engaged (i.e. get a ring, announce to family and friends, start planning the wedding etc) until after his sister’s wedding at the beginning of October

We are not close to SIL and stb-BIL (see them maybe 3-4 times a year and try to keep contact down as they are generally quite rude to us both and to other family members). We know they are likely to be annoyed and to make digs if we get engaged before their wedding because they generally can’t be happy for other people and because one of the first things they said to us after they got engaged last year was “nobody better steal our thunder on our wedding day!” At the time DP and I weren’t considering marriage so I just thought they sounded a bit unhinged to be worrying about something like that. But now that we’re at this point I can see they will be annoyed at any perceived “thunder-stealing” in the run-up to the day too and I just don’t want to be putting our lives on hold for people that we don’t even like and aren’t close to (although I don’t want to cause any rifts in DP’s family, but I feel they would be the ones causing the rift IYSWIM?) We of course wouldn’t do it the week before - probably a couple of months before.

We don’t have any mutual friends and their family is quite small so the number of people who would be interested in both relationships is about 10. We would obviously NOT be spending their wedding talking loudly about our own engagement - all our focus would be on them and their day. We will probably see them twice between now and their wedding day and I’d be happy to focus our conversation on their day both times. I’m not interested in attention, I just want to start planning with DP!

The main reason I’m annoyed is that DP and I aren’t exactly spring chickens anymore - we are the last to get married in both of our friendship groups and we want to have DC eventually but want to be married first - if we don’t start planning our wedding until October then lots of places and providers will be booked up for next summer already, so we’ll either have less choice or have to delay our wedding until next autumn which I don’t really want to do! Also knowing them they will probably be annoyed if we announce before they are back from their honeymoon so that’s another couple of weeks’ delay!

AIBU?

Ha! my now SIL told my brother that she was not going to my wedding without being engaged!

They had been together a lot longer and she didn’t want the “you two next!” “Why’s it taking so long?” hassle

I completely understood, was delighted for them when they did announce and there was absolutely no issues with both weddings being planned at the same time. It was exciting and a lovely time for us all!

She also found out she was pregnant the day DS1 was born, they didn’t tell us because they waited till the 12 week scan but again it was lovely and the cousins are all so close!!

Your SIL sounds like a wally! And there’s no way you should pander to her!

It's perfectly reasonable for you to announce your engagement whenever you like. However, if your dp is adamant that he wants to hold back, why does that stop you planning behind the scenes? You can still start looking at venues and available dates, thinking about outfits/themes/catering etc.

So start planning and booking for your wedding!

Why do you think you have to wait until the end of this year? That said, we booked our wedding around October-ish, married the following April, so you don’t need to book too far in advance if you’re prepared to be slightly out of ‘wedding season’

Good luck, have a great wedding.

I would book everything and announce later if he is that concerned about it.

We booked large items then announced we were getting married.
No one cared!

You’ve agreed to get married, so you’re engaged. Congratulations! However both you and the other couple are completely mad. No one takes more than the most general interest in anyone else’s engagement or wedding plans. They say ‘Oh, that’s great!’ and ‘Nice ring!’ and turn their attention back to their own lives.

Yes, if you want a traditional Saturday wedding in May-August next year I’d strongly recommend that you start making bookings. Our parish secretary was telling me last week that our church already has a wedding booked for virtually every Saturday in peak wedding season for 2020. I appreciate that you may not want a church wedding but it is a bellwether for wedding venues in general.

Crikey, we have been married for 28 years. DH proposed in June. We got the church, tent, caterers, music booked, etc. Announced engagement shortly before Christmas. Was perfect. People said when's the wedding and we were able to say xth July, 3pm, x church, x afterwards.

I think 4 months is a long way. I wouldn't get engaged within a week either way. Over shadow the bride. But 4 months is a bit much. YANBU

How Jane Austenish of him.

In your position, I would look at venues/caterers/dates etc. With DP enjoy it together! Go to some wedding fairs get really excited because you deserve to enjoy the planning! I didn't as I was too busy pandering to other people, and I look back now a little sad and then get the ball rolling with planning and do a lovely Christmas day announcement of your beautiful ring and details of your wedding to your family and friends. I agree with pp that you shouldn't have to and should be free to announce your engagement when you are ready, but they will ruin it for you, so is it worth it for you? X

although I don't think you should have to wait to announce your engagement in can see why a sibling might want to wait. however i agree with @S1naidSucks just start planning & booking now. you don't need to announce your engagement to start planning your wedding.

You're right, they are unhinged.. and greedy and self centred but they are not your family and it looks like your DP just wants to keep the peace.

There's no reason you can't start the planning but I can understand why it would feel weird to start all that without the ring.

I would tackle the DP again (gently) and just reiterate how much you love him and look forward to an official engagement and feel sad that you have to wait so long due to the unreasonable behaviour of others... then start showing him wedding magazines and engage him in list making.

I would get him all involved and excited and then say "maybe we should wait, this is weird without a ring" and see if he bites.

I really don’t get this thunder stealing crap?! My eldest DSis announced her second pregnancy when my DS was two days old. A few years later my youngest DSis announced (but only to family as she was in the early stages) her pregnancy when my DD was two weeks old. I was nothing but genuinely happy and excited for both of them. I couldn’t have cared less if any of my friends and family had got engaged AT my wedding. They didn’t but it wouldn’t have been an issue for me, it would have made it a double celebration. In fact, one of my friends announced to our friendship group (8 people) that she was pregnant during our wedding reception and, again, I was over the moon for her. I would never have expected anyone to plan their big events so as not to ‘ruin’ mine. It’s a wedding, people are there for the bride and groom. You only live once, do what makes you happy. And if committing to your partner is what you want to do, as my Granny would say, his sister has two choices; like it or lump it!!

I would do it out of spite considering how horrible them seem.

Besides, you want to start planning YOUR wedding ... why should you put it on hold for them?

If he's making keeping his sister happy above your happiness this isn't going to be the last time he'll do this.
If keeping his sister happy is such a huge deal then you'll be playing second fiddle to whatever whims she has.
Has he got problems in standing up to her?
She is being nuts but then so is he for allowing her to dictate like this.

Congratulations!
October is a really long time to wait. I’m sorry but that is ridiculous. You are entitled share your lovely news whenever YOU feel you are ready.
Personally, I would not play up to and validate their drama. I mean what next? No pregnancy announcements if you fall pregnant together etc etc. Nope, nip that in the bud now.
I mean they should be happy for you....

Think it would be better announcing it now than just after the wedding. Sil cannot say you are stealing her thunder if the announcement is now, as the initial congratulations will be over long before her wedding. Also means no one will be asking when it will be your turn at the wedding, which would obviously annoy her.
However if you leave it, there is the argument of trying to take the limelight when she is showing her wedding photographs, dvd of the day etc. which could still be happening throughout the November!

The sensible thing is to tell everyone now, so that you can send save the date cards before anyone books next year’s holidays! Would be such a shame if your df’s sister had booked her holiday and had to miss your wedding!

Just go ahead and tell people you are engaged next month as it's still a long way off their wedding but don't make a big thing of your arrangements with his family until after the wedding and whatever you do, don't bring up your wedding at their wedding, it's not fair

I would either announce it now, or not until after their wedding but make your plans and book things anyway. It would be crazy to pander to them though, and you'd end up worried to try for a baby while she was pregnant, worried to buy a house if they were etc etc. My brother and SIL announced their engagement while we were still planning our wedding and got married 9 months after us, and I thought nothing of it other than being happy for them!

Yes just wait. It's called manners.

Looks like your sil has found your post, OP.

Admit it, you ARE tempted to announce it at their wedding! 😈

I know I'd be, but I'm currently hospitalized and bored stiff

Isn’t this basically a key element of the plot of Taming of the Shrew? Luckily it’s not 1590, so you can probably go ahead and get engaged when you like.

Actually, when people start asking you when it’s your turn, as they usually do at weddings, you can just say, “oh we’d love to get engaged, but sil have said we have to wait until after her wedding”. Just watch their faces and enjoy the fact that she’ll get talked about for all the wrong reasons.

*has said