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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? No engagement until after Sister’s wedding.

206 replies

ConkerGame · 22/06/2019 09:55

Firstly, Daily Mail are f*cking scum.

DP and I have decided to get married next year Smile However DP has said that we can’t get “officially” engaged (i.e. get a ring, announce to family and friends, start planning the wedding etc) until after his sister’s wedding at the beginning of October Sad

We are not close to SIL and stb-BIL (see them maybe 3-4 times a year and try to keep contact down as they are generally quite rude to us both and to other family members). We know they are likely to be annoyed and to make digs if we get engaged before their wedding because they generally can’t be happy for other people and because one of the first things they said to us after they got engaged last year was “nobody better steal our thunder on our wedding day!” At the time DP and I weren’t considering marriage so I just thought they sounded a bit unhinged to be worrying about something like that. But now that we’re at this point I can see they will be annoyed at any perceived “thunder-stealing” in the run-up to the day too and I just don’t want to be putting our lives on hold for people that we don’t even like and aren’t close to (although I don’t want to cause any rifts in DP’s family, but I feel they would be the ones causing the rift IYSWIM?) We of course wouldn’t do it the week before - probably a couple of months before.

We don’t have any mutual friends and their family is quite small so the number of people who would be interested in both relationships is about 10. We would obviously NOT be spending their wedding talking loudly about our own engagement - all our focus would be on them and their day. We will probably see them twice between now and their wedding day and I’d be happy to focus our conversation on their day both times. I’m not interested in attention, I just want to start planning with DP!

The main reason I’m annoyed is that DP and I aren’t exactly spring chickens anymore - we are the last to get married in both of our friendship groups and we want to have DC eventually but want to be married first - if we don’t start planning our wedding until October then lots of places and providers will be booked up for next summer already, so we’ll either have less choice or have to delay our wedding until next autumn which I don’t really want to do! Also knowing them they will probably be annoyed if we announce before they are back from their honeymoon so that’s another couple of weeks’ delay!

AIBU?

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 22/06/2019 10:10

Pandering to these people is why they still get away with it.

Boom45 · 22/06/2019 10:10

You're not close and they sound like they'd get pissed off at something else if you wait anyway so why give them more consideration than they deserve? My SiL was furious at our wedding, never been entirely sure why. We had a very small wedding - literally just our parents and siblings and all planned in 3 weeks (we didn't want a "wedding", just to be married). So her grumping, complaints and face pulling was very noticeable but it just meant everyone thought she was very odd. She was weird about our babies and house buying too - some people are just like that and there is no point trying to please them especially if it means putting your own plans on hold.
If your DH is keen not to upset her (and he's probably had a lifetime of her tantrums to control his behaviour) then why not start planning, tell people not to mention it to your sister and brother in law and crack on. You can send em an invite after their wedding is done. As you don't have friends in common it shouldn't be too hard and you can explain it to your PiL as not wanting to "steal their thunder" as requested.

morningafternoonevening · 22/06/2019 10:10

Agreed with book things, but just don't announce until after the wedding because your DH is trying to avoid ill-feeling between them and you

Seaweed42 · 22/06/2019 10:10

This is bizarre behaviour on your DP's part. He's afraid of his either his sister or his mother. You two are literally putting both your lives on hold because of a Thought in his head that his domineering sister might be annoyed. It's either her or his mother he's in fear of.
The sister is probably a bully and an emotional manipulator.
Your DP is minimising and dismissing your important life stuff because he values appeasing his sister above all else.

PoppyFleur · 22/06/2019 10:11

Get engaged! The wedding is months away. Start planning now and keep any planning conversations to an absolute minimum. In fact I would relish the focus being on your BIL & SIL because you can start planning under the radar.

Life is too short to waste worrying about what (unreasonable) people think.

Seaweed42 · 22/06/2019 10:12

He'll be wanting to delay starting a family too because his sister needs to get pregnant and have a baby first!

sashh · 22/06/2019 10:13

You can start arranging things and making plans without announcing your engagement.

cakeandchampagne · 22/06/2019 10:13

Buy your ring now, make your official announcement now, and make your wedding plans now. Live your life.

PurpleDaisies · 22/06/2019 10:14

You can start arranging things and making plans without announcing your engagement.

Why thoug?

Justathinslice · 22/06/2019 10:14

So....no one who is engaged, or God forbid, visibly pregnant is allowed at the wedding?

ILoveEurovision · 22/06/2019 10:14

As long as you are not planning to have your proposal at their wedding, then you're not stealing their thunder and should get on with things.

DB got engaged a few months before my wedding. I was happy for him.

Congrats! :)

Userplusnumbers · 22/06/2019 10:14

Couple of things

Not announcing it doesn't stop you planning
It seems like BIL and SIL specifically referenced no one stealing their thunder on the big day - totally reasonable, announcing engagements at someone else's wedding is a shitty thing to do.

Your DP seems to have taken it a step further - is he absolutely certain they intend for everyone to stop getting engaged/having babies/buying houses for the entire time between now and the wedding tk avoid stealing focus? Because that is truly batshit. Honestly, I'd just announce it, if they get upset it's on them.

Idontwanttotalk · 22/06/2019 10:15

I agree you shouldn't have to hold off on announcing your engagement. However, as there wedding is only 14-15 weeks away I would probably hold off announcing it, as DH to be suggests. You know your SIL to be will be annoyed so why deliberately annoy her for the sake of such a short time. You clearly don't like her anyway but perhaps going out if your way to antagonise her isn't the smartest move.

If you insist on controlling the timetable in spite of what your DP has said then maybe your DP will see you in a different light and perhaps not want to get engaged.

PeePooAndPaperOnly · 22/06/2019 10:15

Bloody hell , just do it . As long as you don't announce it at their wedding it's fine
Don't keep it a secret , celebrate it

DippyAvocado · 22/06/2019 10:16

You're not allowed to announce your engagement three months before their wedding day in case you steal their thunder?? That is insane and not reasonable to any normal person. Tell people whenever you want.

AnnieOH1 · 22/06/2019 10:16

Are they worried that the wedding would be the first time that you saw the 10 people so their focus on the day will be divided? If so perhaps have a small engagement party this side of the wedding. To be honest though it sounds like whatever you do will be wrong. If you wait till after the honeymoon will they say "why didn't you wait till we had been married a year". You won't win if that is their mindset.

MrsSpenserGregson · 22/06/2019 10:16

Well I think everyone is being batshit here. My cousin flew over from Australia with her boyfriend for my wedding. During the photos she told me that he'd proposed to her. We both cried (with happiness). During my dad's speech he thanked my cousin (his only brother's daughter) for coming such a long way and congratulated her and her new fiancé on their engagement. We were all over the moon, happy for them, lovely that there was so much love in the room tbh. Of course it didn't steal our thunder; it was a close, much-loved family member finding happiness and choosing to share it with us on our happy day. I'd have been offended if she hadn't told me.

Go ahead and book your wedding OP. You deserve happiness just as much as your selfish SIL-to-be does, probably much more so based on what you've said about her!

NomNomNomNom · 22/06/2019 10:17

YANBU. I wouldn't announce it on or immediately before their wedding day but they don't have to be centre of attention from now until bloody October.

elizalovelace · 22/06/2019 10:18

Of course you can start planning and booking your wedding now. I'd be slightly worried that your DP is using his sisters wedding as a stalling tactic to put off your own wedding plans tbh. Even if that isn't the case he is still putting his sisters wants before yours, not a good sign. Tell him you can and will crack on with planning your own wedding now but without announcing it to others, see what his reaction is to that.

Tuktuktaker · 22/06/2019 10:18

I agree, this is madness. Tell everyone you're engaged and planning to get married whenever, now. You don't need to make a big deal of it, unless you want to have a big engagement party and save the date cards before the Wedding of the Year in October? Maybe you can leave sending out the wedding invitations till after their wedding (always assuming you intend to get married after this October!) and just carry on planning your wedding now without reference to theirs?

Isatis · 22/06/2019 10:19

I never understand the concept of being engaged to get engaged later. So far as I'm concerned, if you've agree to marry each other, you're engaged.

INeedAFlerken · 22/06/2019 10:20

If you want to be engaged, get engaged. If you want to marry him tomorrow, marry him tomorrow.

FFS, tell your boyfriend that you are not going to have your life dictated to you by his sister. And if thinks this is reasonable, then tell him you'll have to reconsider your entire relationship because you don't want to spend your life with someone who can't stand up for himself. His sister is spoiled and batshit; don't let her dictate your lives.

ZoeWashburne · 22/06/2019 10:21

Your DP and you have decided to get married. Congratulations, you are already engaged.

Happiness isn’t a zero sum game. You being engaged isn’t taking anything away from anyone else. There isn’t a bridal conclave where they decide who the next bride is one at a time.

When I got engaged we wanted to shout it from the rooftops. Of course we didn’t, but we were excited. I think you need to look at the bigger reason of why your fiancé wants to hide it, and are you ok living a secret? I have a feeling there will be another reason after the wedding why your ‘d’p will want to wait.

babbi · 22/06/2019 10:21

ps A work colleague announced her engagement at my wedding 👰

I was delighted for her and couldn’t honestly understand why some people raised eyebrows?!?

Her wee face was a picture... she was sitting beaming ... it was lovely to see ..
She genuinely wasn’t looking to upstage anyone ... she just was so happy and excited she couldn’t contain herself ... bless her xx

I asked my DH to congratulate them at the end of his speech to put an end to a couple of bitchy whispers that had found their way to me .. “ not the fine thing etc “
Who gives a 💩 - not me ...

( she had her DD 3 months before me - I benefited from hand me downs 😀😀)

babbi · 22/06/2019 10:22

**Done thing 🙄

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