Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About ds finishing uni ?

208 replies

ginorwine · 13/06/2019 23:52

Ds had gap year prior to uni and has now completed a non vocational
Degree .
Due to a combination of personality ( not planning ) and troubles with his partner , ds is now heavily hinting that he wants to come home in order to save money to then go travelling , after which he will seek to establish a career .
Little idea what he wants to do . We asked him to see uni careers -after some time they suggested he did ma but his heart isn’t in it , and no further guidance .
So .. option to remain in uni town with few mates ; get a job and the travel
. This difficult because the rent is expensive so it limits what he can save .
He has suggested that he returns to us.. which we have agreed to but that he either comes with a view to saving for travel and pays us rent or if he wants to live in the area we live in , he can live with us rent free for say 3 months to build some income and find his feet then look for his own place .
He has told us that a lot of his pals are returning home and he feels isolated by our conditions or something and now implies that he will stay in his uni town . We said we thought that the best option initially as his pals there and more employment .
He seems hurt that we are not rushing to ask him return home but are encouraging his independence . ( have offered pay some of his rent there to enable him to save for travel
If that’s what he chooses)
.
In all truth we would like him to be independent but it seems the expectation is that he is supported to live at home whilst saving to travel .
D p and I both left home after uni and I guess we expected the same ( or live with parents for a short while .. and whilst we know it’s more difficult we gave offered to pay some of his rent .
Seems expectation clash
His to return home
Ours him
Not to ..
I don’t wan to distress ds so am
Asking A i b u?

OP posts:
Manclife1 · 13/06/2019 23:54

Think you’re being more than reasonable. If his friends are getting a better deal then he can go and move with them.

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 13/06/2019 23:56

The vast majority of people return home after uni to live cheaply and save, that doesn't mean not contributing at all, he should pay some keep and pull his weight arrive the house and you and his father shouldn't be doing anything for him; laundry, cleaning his room, cooking him dinner every night (fair enough of you all take turns to cook for everyone) . It's financially impossible for new graduates to just go off and start a life without ending up trapped in crappy rentals for ten years and then having older people ask them why they never bought a house...

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 13/06/2019 23:57

With all due respect you could buy a house for a fiver when your generation graduated, having lived off grants and paid no tuition fees

Isthebigwomanhere · 13/06/2019 23:58

I think the thing is that times have changed and a lot more adult children do come home from university, unless they have a job were they studied.

His request to come home is not unusual but I think he should pay rent if his intentions are travel rather than saving for a house deposit.

Dd1 came home for a year after uni and saved liked crazy to get enough behind her so she could move out with a bit of savings for back up .

Original poster
ginorwine · 14/06/2019 00:04

Yes but he doesn’t want to return to us to save to get a flat .. of course we wd support that .. he wants to return to us in order to save to go travelling .
He has got a job in the uni town . ( nit needs more hours)

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 14/06/2019 00:04

With all due respect you could buy a house for a fiver when your generation graduated

Grin How old do you think OP is?

Livelovebehappy · 14/06/2019 00:05

You’re only young once. Let him come home, save money for travelling and wave him off at the airport. There’s such a small window of opportunity for people to have the freedom to do this before they settle down to proper adult things like getting jobs, getting mortgages, bills etc.

Original poster
ginorwine · 14/06/2019 00:09

Love love be happy
I get you and I in part agree
It’s just that he has had a gap year , and uni summers to do that .. ? I feel conflicted I guess . He has always lacked confidence and we have worked v hard to support but I think I’m the back of our minds we are maybe thinking it’s time he started to stand on own two feet .

OP posts:
Bignicetree · 14/06/2019 00:11

Tell him to get
A job and support himself .
Don’t enable his laziness

I am in a similar situation

Bignicetree · 14/06/2019 00:13

He’s been on easy street for years.

The sooner he catches on to independent living , paying bills etc the better.
You are not helping him grow by enabling him to stay in this Peter Pan world with no responsibilities

BackforGood · 14/06/2019 00:13

Up to you, but I think there is a compromise to be had here - a small contribution towards food cost, and let him save and travel.
It is very, very normal for adult dc to return home after university now. tbh, youngsters graduating now are going to be working until they are about 75 - I personally don't begrudge them doing something more fun before settling down to "adulting".
I'd support my dc to do that, for sure.

ClarkeMurphy · 14/06/2019 00:15

I think a lot of people move back home after uni. If he doesn't know what he wants to do I think working full time, paying rent to you and saving to go travelling is actually a pretty good idea. I also think it's quite sad you don't want him home really. My DM would still happily have me move home and I'm 34!

Tavannach · 14/06/2019 00:16

Welcome him home, but put a time limit on it. And suggest he gets an evening job as well so he saves more quickly.

HerRoyalNotness · 14/06/2019 00:17

I’d be happy for mine to come home to save for travelling. There is so much shit in life and you’re a long time working to pay the bills. Let him have some fun before the grind starts

Original poster
ginorwine · 14/06/2019 00:18

Bignicetree
Is there a kind wayto say that ?
I don’t want to be harsh but I do share your view .. it’s how to say it . (?whilst recognising that it’s harder for this generation )

OP posts:
Original poster
ginorwine · 14/06/2019 00:21

ClarkeMurphy I don’t think it’s sad . I think it’s ok to want time with your husband and to also encourage young people to spread their wings . I don’t think it’s really the norm to want a adult child in their 30 s to remain at home unless it suits the parent s needs .

Of course I respect your view but I don’t think it’s sad to want a young person to be independent .

OP posts:
TinklyLittleLaugh · 14/06/2019 00:23

This is exactly what my DS1 did; came home, temped, applied (unsuccessfully) for grad scheme jobs and saved until Christmas. He then did some travelling in Vienna, Cambodia and Thailand.

Came home in May, dither about whether to do a masters, got an entry level job, lived with us, paid his way and saved for a year, then got promoted and moved to London. He’s very happy now with his life; he’s had his bit of freedom, he’s matured and built up his confidence.

I honestly don’t think you need to rush these things; a year or so is time to just take a breath, decide what he wants and sort himself out.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 14/06/2019 00:25

Vietnam not Vienna

CrystalVisions · 14/06/2019 00:28

I'm a bit confused. Does he want to come home, pay no rent and save to go travelling again?
What are his job prospects near you? What rent are you proposing to charge?

Original poster
ginorwine · 14/06/2019 00:31

In part am feeling a bit stressed because he say s he’s jealous of his pals who come from
More wealthy backgrihnds who are going away for months having it presumably funded for them .
He is saying he just wants to get on a plane . He says neither option of staying where he is or comming to us is what he wants and I just feel it’s unrealistic . Sorry don’t mean to drop feed . It just occurred to me .

OP posts:
user27495824 · 14/06/2019 00:33

Hmm tricky one. I'm all for teenagers and young adults paying their share of rent and bills, absolutely. However, providing I could afford it I think I'd make exceptions for both saving for a deposit AND/OR travel. I think encouraging some wanderlust and real world education is just as, or even more important than buying a flat. I think the more travel someone has under their belt the less likely they are to settle for a low wage dead end job. Of course they could become a nomadic middle class hippie, but rather that than someone who settles down too young. Unless his plans are to go to Magaluf on a lads holiday, in which case, he can piss off and self fund it all.

RedPink · 14/06/2019 00:33

He’s probably going to have to work until he is in his 70s. He has plenty of time to be independent. I’d let him move back but I’d get him to pay some rent which I would save and return to him when he leaves home. I’d also make it clear that he is moving back as an ‘adult’ member of the household and needs to cook, clean and shop etc.

MirriVan · 14/06/2019 00:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ginorwine · 14/06/2019 00:36

Crystal vision
He wants to come and pay rent. But to reduce outgoings to save to go away . Very limited here job wise .
Much better where he is and his mates will he there . But of course staying there paying rent will limit ability to save . So it’s a dilemma . I think he wants to come home to be looked after .
He had a gap year to go travelling but didn’t go ( lack confidence ) - just got a local
Job . He does take easy route due to lack confidence and my gut is saying it’s time to accept challenges and hard work ...

OP posts:
Original poster
ginorwine · 14/06/2019 00:42

MirriVan Well he is going abroad on a city break for exactly that reason I’m july .
However , I think it wouldn’t be the case re travelling
.

OP posts: