About ds finishing uni ?

[ginorwine]

Ds had gap year prior to uni and has now completed a non vocational
Degree .
Due to a combination of personality ( not planning ) and troubles with his partner , ds is now heavily hinting that he wants to come home in order to save money to then go travelling , after which he will seek to establish a career .
Little idea what he wants to do . We asked him to see uni careers -after some time they suggested he did ma but his heart isn’t in it , and no further guidance .
So .. option to remain in uni town with few mates ; get a job and the travel
. This difficult because the rent is expensive so it limits what he can save .
He has suggested that he returns to us.. which we have agreed to but that he either comes with a view to saving for travel and pays us rent or if he wants to live in the area we live in , he can live with us rent free for say 3 months to build some income and find his feet then look for his own place .
He has told us that a lot of his pals are returning home and he feels isolated by our conditions or something and now implies that he will stay in his uni town . We said we thought that the best option initially as his pals there and more employment .
He seems hurt that we are not rushing to ask him return home but are encouraging his independence . ( have offered pay some of his rent there to enable him to save for travel
If that’s what he chooses)
.
In all truth we would like him to be independent but it seems the expectation is that he is supported to live at home whilst saving to travel .
D p and I both left home after uni and I guess we expected the same ( or live with parents for a short while .. and whilst we know it’s more difficult we gave offered to pay some of his rent .
Seems expectation clash
His to return home
Ours him
Not to ..
I don’t wan to distress ds so am
Asking A i b u?

But why should his mother be pinning him down to and end goal? He's an adult. Most adults leaving uni aren't sure whether to move home, stay in uni city, go travelling etc. Its entirely normal. Why is he being babied instead of being allowed to dither, make his own decisions, possibly wrong ones as we all have the right to do that's how we learn. Parents stepping in and researching and advising and being helicopter parents are not letting their kids grow p. He's 21!!!! It's entirely nor. Al not to have an end goal. Let him sort himself out!

How things have changed. Donning my tin hat but many kids are so spoiled and entitled these days. When I left school it was only a minority that went to university, there was certainly no travelling and gap years had yet to be invented. I left school at the end of the summer term aged 17 and my first job started on the 10th of August. I then worked solidly for the following 48 years with no breaks in employment. I had the best parents who were both loving and supportive but there is no way they’d have let me fanny about doing nothing.

You see constantly on here people saying ‘oh 21/22/23 is so young’. Well quite frankly these ‘children’ need to grow up and their parents need to encourage them to instead of cosseting them. My generation were light years ahead in terms of resilience and maturity.

You mentioned costs. I travelled for 6 months a few years ago (Eastern Europe, Asia and NZ) and spent roughly £10k all in. Private rooms in dorms, some cheap hotels, some internal flights, some overnight busses/trains/ferries etc. Essentially, I didn’t really ‘rough it’ but I didn’t go for luxury either. I reckon he’ll need at least £1k per month if he ready wants to get the most out of his trip (e.g extreme sports, extensive travel within the area he chooses to visits, entry to key sights, food/drink, decent accommodation etc)

I don’t think you are wrong to gently encourage some independence. I think some time grafting in low wage jobs to save for travel will be a good thing and if you can help facilitate that then brilliant. Perhaps you need to make it clear that there is a time limit on the ‘free ride’ at home (say 9 months) and then he needs to be on a plane, looking for his own place or paying proper rent.

Thanks all
Just spoke to dh
On calm reflection , which is hard when you thjnk ds is all
Over the place yet about to make a major decision in signing the contract for the house ..
This is what we have said to him
( yesterday .. am
Just reflecting on what we said more calmly ! )
He said he didn’t know that he could come home so that’s why he got a house .. but prior to that he said he had mates and a life there so he wanted to stay there .. so for months we were working on that assumption . I think , seeing mates planning to leave andcsome stay , he has realised that his wonderful
Uni life is ending and started talking about he wishes he was at sixth form again , how happy that was to be that age again , then came the conversation that am
Not sure what I want , so we point out the pros and cons of both . He came home to do this .
So
Live at home pro -
Time to plan travel

Little rent save up

Con - after initial
Few weeks
Risk of isolation
No mates here
Limited expensive public transport in rural
Area
Mostly seasonal
Work
This may impact on ability to save
Concern that he could get more down here than 😁

Stay in uni town
Pro
Mates ( though he says more going now feels more isolated there )
More opportunity for year round work
Independence
Cons
Expensive rent ( we offered pay one week a month )
Thus limiting ability to save .

I thjnk that the uni town option is likely to be more predictable
. Unless he is just here fir the summer and then travels as there is always summer only work here .
Should I just put it to him and then let him
Decide ? My remaining concern is as above poster said .. his mental
Health .. we have tried to get him
To see gp for weeks now and he refused saying it was scary . We supported him
With this even offering him
To come here and be seen by our gp . He has just this week contacted gp thank goodness . That factor is the one that is leading me to think of saying just come home as am concerned , but again , I really do not want to do the wrong thing and support him
In a way that is detrimental
As I feel
The uni town is ultimately his best option in the long run .

HollowVictory - because our role as parents is to guide them through life. That doesn't end at 18. It's not a skill that everyone has, so some people need to be guided. I was very much a 'grand plan' young adult, with little thought to how to achieve said plans. Nobody said - look - What have you to do in order to get from A to B?

It's a method used in a lot of areas (counselling etc.), so it's clearly not something that all people are born with. I don't believe in just throwing a child into a metaphorical swimming pool and telling them 'Ok now - sink or learn how to swim'.

STOP
Let him work this out

I think the issue is that he took a gap year to go travelling and, well, didn't. Yes, he worked instead but did he do anything else during that time? His motivation to achieve self determined goals is quite low.

I understand from a parents POV that you are concerned that he wasn't motivated to do the travelling last time and now he appears unmotivated to look at his career options, which indicates that feeling is still there. You don't want to end up with a grown man living at home on a low paid job and effectively being parented again.

In your position I would allow him home but under terms and conditions of a lodger. So he pays market rate (or slightly less if you are feeling generous) for his room, utilities and shared facilities. But in return he keeps himself, eg food, socialising, transporting himself around etc and maintains his personal space with responsibility for cleaning in shared space, he gets a job which will earn him enough to pay this and save for his planned trip. If at the end of a year he decides not to go travelling, he should have sufficient savings to allow him to rent elsewhere. In theory.

It sounds like he needs a push into adulthood and it can be scary - i know of people who spent many more years doing uni courses than most would because they liked the security of being in full time education. After an extra course or two they were usually in a better place to take up the role of being a proper adult. Some people just take a little longer to get there.

Jonette, he's not bei g thrown I to a swimming pool I'm suggesting he be given the space to make his own choices and be responsible for them. He has no idea what he wants to do so may guidance on how to get from a to b is fruitless. Its totally the norm for people leaving uni not to have a clue what they want to do. Trying to pin a goalmon them or route map a to b isn't helpful! If he said, mum I want to be a pe teacher help me identify how I get there, fine. Bit that's not the case. The op is frustrated and worried because her son doesn't know what he wants. It's normal. Leave him to find his own way.

minisoksmakehardwork Yes I totally get that and that’s what I would do
IF we didn’t live in a rural
Area with limited seasonal
Work .

And also am
Unsure if he is mentally well .. refused to see gp until
Now .
I don’t think he is depressed but is def anxious which may be affecting his thinking .

He does know what he wants - he wants to be hop on a plane and join his mates on their travels!

So, he's at A = no money, no plan, no job, no accommodation
B is where he wants to be = On that plane for a year touring the world

There are a few plans he needs to make in order to get from A to B
It's a simple exercise FFS, but it can manage to focus you - I'm in my forties and only bloody learned this skill last year in therapy!

The OP can't figure it out, nobody on here can come up with a unanimous plan, so those steps to get there are going to be unique to him.

It's a basic life skill that some people have innate, but equally, some don't! What's the harm in teaching him something useful?

Not really he knows he needs to save enough cash for a plane ticket and get a job. So over to him to make that happen. He doesn't need help figuring that out. If he does he doesn't have the independence and resilience to go travelling.

I had parents like you HollowVictory. I wouldn't wish you on anyone.

My dd graduates next month and is home at the moment..she's currently working part time in retail but is going traveling until October. She'd saved money during her placement year and also did some filming 'extras' work in her Uni city which was well paid
She's looking into doing work in a ski resort on her return from traveling ....whilst apply for graduate schemes
She wanted to travel before settling into the corporate world as she'll be working for next 40+ years !
There are lots of opportunities for this kind of work and with your son's coaching experience and degree he could maybe look into doing something like this?
www.seasonworkers.com/skijobs/

But he lived at home fora Year saying he was travelling and never went. Probably through inertia. No matter. Young people need to be supported to make their own choices. If he really wants to go travelling hell make it happen but it doesn't soundlike he's really that bothered. Fine, again no problem his choice

Probably through lack of ability to plan.

Jonette you do t want a parent who supports and enables you to make your own choices, in your own time? strange.

I'm suggesting he be given the space to make his own choices and be responsible for them.... Its totally the norm for people leaving uni not to have a clue what they want to do

Yes, but it 's necessary to do something while you work it out, and not expect someone else to pay while you do it. That is part of being an adult. And he doesn't have space, because he needs to decide now whether he wants to go ahead with the houseshare, and what he will do instead if he doesn't go ahead.

I don't want a dickhead for a mother who says 'fuck off, figure it out yourself'.

I dont think that's what anyone is suggesting sweetie are they.

It's what you're suggesting 'sweetie'.

Thankfully, not everyone is like you.

I’ve just messaged him
Asking him
To consider the a to b analogy
Found it helpful
Thanks .
Trouble is has to do it quick due to the house signing situation
.

It's a real shame you had such a negative experience of your own parents however it it doesnt mean that you need to be rude and unpleasant, it's unhelpful to the op and derails the thread. People are allowed different opinions! I hope ultimately your life has worked out well despite your poor start.

I actually agree fully with @Hollowvictory. Offering support without enabling sounds the healthiest option.