About ds finishing uni ?

[ginorwine]

Ds had gap year prior to uni and has now completed a non vocational
Degree .
Due to a combination of personality ( not planning ) and troubles with his partner , ds is now heavily hinting that he wants to come home in order to save money to then go travelling , after which he will seek to establish a career .
Little idea what he wants to do . We asked him to see uni careers -after some time they suggested he did ma but his heart isn’t in it , and no further guidance .
So .. option to remain in uni town with few mates ; get a job and the travel
. This difficult because the rent is expensive so it limits what he can save .
He has suggested that he returns to us.. which we have agreed to but that he either comes with a view to saving for travel and pays us rent or if he wants to live in the area we live in , he can live with us rent free for say 3 months to build some income and find his feet then look for his own place .
He has told us that a lot of his pals are returning home and he feels isolated by our conditions or something and now implies that he will stay in his uni town . We said we thought that the best option initially as his pals there and more employment .
He seems hurt that we are not rushing to ask him return home but are encouraging his independence . ( have offered pay some of his rent there to enable him to save for travel
If that’s what he chooses)
.
In all truth we would like him to be independent but it seems the expectation is that he is supported to live at home whilst saving to travel .
D p and I both left home after uni and I guess we expected the same ( or live with parents for a short while .. and whilst we know it’s more difficult we gave offered to pay some of his rent .
Seems expectation clash
His to return home
Ours him
Not to ..
I don’t wan to distress ds so am
Asking A i b u?

@ginorwine but your son isn't in his 30s is he? Why can't he just come home? Yes there's a discussion to be had about rent/ savings/ travelling but you just sound so unwelcoming - he's still your bloody child

Mine is 20 and about to enter her final year. I wouldn't dream of placing caveats on her being able to return home

has he looked at WWOOFing? - he can travel and work and its much cheaper? he could spend some time at home saving up and planning his route, get a job to cover the costs of travel between different hosts? We have had WWOOFers from all over the world. also some of the couch surfing community offer accomodation in exchange for work, but he is still going to need to have the cash for the travel part of it - sometimes you meet people you can travel onwards with.
One of our guys had come from Australia, he had worked his way all round the world, met and experienced things that were life changing for him, and met a huge variety of people, plus had his eyes opened to a whole range of lifestyles.
The work isnt huge - typically 5 hours a day in exchange for food and board - and not every day of the week.
the work is varied though - I just looked at Brazil and someone is offering board on an eco retreat teaching their kids English conversation.

I don't get this attitude of property is too expensive but I can afford to waste money to travel for funsies. Stop traveling and save for a deposit on a modest property, not the taj Mahal that everyone seems to think is the minimum first property purchase.

I think he's an adult and he needs to grow up. Adults living a cosy life in their parents homes into their 30s are just not taking responsibility for themselves.

You've offered sensible assistance. He's an adult. If he thinks it's insufficient then he needs to find the funds himself.

I'm so glad that my parents supported me at that age by encouraging me to do the scary things and not letting me chicken out when I had a slight doubt. It was always clear that they loved me but had faith in me to manage and get on with stuff, and dropping out was not an option.
In the past a 22 year old would be supporting their parents, not the other way round!

tuxedocatsintophats Yes I understand !
I’ve been told on this thread that it may not increase our costs to keep him

We are on limited income on minimum wage .
He eats like a horse . Uses electric , it appears to be assumed on mums net that parents have the means to support .

How about if you said that he can stay for a speific period, e.g. 4 months, and ask him to show you how, in that time, he's going to save up for a plane ticket?

(A plane ticket from say B'ham to Istanbul currently costs from about 100 GBP; a ticket from Stanstead to Barcelona about 25 GBP.)

Oh, India?
B'ham -> New Delhi: 300 GBP

If he's interested in teaching abroad he might not even need the cost of a plane ticket. My brother left to teach English in China 10 years ago and they paid for his plane ticket. They even pay for a return flight back to England each year and pay for his accomodation!

Dd does a load of zero hours contract jobs. I doubt she could do a 9-5 job 5 days per week.

There are a few where you are tied to the one employer which I wouldn’t touch with a barge pole but for the ones where you can pick and choose your shifts you can pick up loads of work.

Personally I would have him home with the understanding that he has to get any type of job going do he can save to go travelling.

It might be too late now as you have already answered him when he said he wanted to come home.
I think he might not have come home, he was just asking to see if there was a back up. Sometimes people just want to know what options are available.

Regarding careers advice. I was very hot on finding out what dc wanted to do so we could gear their education etc to the general area to do with that career.

Dd knew from being quite young what she wanted to do and she now has her own business. (Still works doing umpteen other things to bring the money in).

Ds though hadn’t a clue. It got to the stage where I did his horoscope at one point.

We started off asking the questions Did he want to work indoors or outdoors.
Which area did he want to pursue.
I.e Sport, Construction, Academic, the Arts, IT, Office work, Retail, Manufacturing, Engineering, politics etc and from there we listed literally 1000s of careers. Printed them all off

He went through them and crossed out those he had no interest in.

He would look up some things and make a decision about what exactly the job involved.
Until we came down to 3 areas. He completed his first year of college after 2 terms. Average score in all tests and assessments of 97.5 %
He just finds it so easy to do. He was struggling at school. Once he found his calling he was a different person.

I wish schools would have a lesson each week in Careers advice where children can actually think about what possibilities are out there and would they suit a career in the service industry running a night club rather than ending up shuffling papers around an office desk for the next 5 decades

tuxedocatsintophats How did your parents say that to you ? Am struggling to find the right words
. We have said we think it will do him
Good to live independently and with friends and that we are genuinely concerned that if he comes to a rural
Village where he knows no one he will get isolated .

He has probably found that after all the ‘finished our degrees and we’ll all be best friends forever and live in a house together and go travelling’ blend of euphoria and bewilderment that accompanies the end of uni, that many of his friends are now drifting off, either to jobs elsewhere or home. It’s a weird time for students - suddenly it’s the first time where they really have to do something for themselves without the high levels of support from parents/uni/school. I’d suggest letting him come home but making sure he gets a job - any job. Sometimes a difficult low paid job jolts them into reality (I’m a lecturer and recently an ex student told me that she’d gone to work selling insurance in a call centre after graduation and it was the kick she needed to be more proactive about going for what she really wanted to do). At 21 he’s got time to make a few mistakes. Charge him rent (you can save it for him for a deposit on his first rental) and if he does get to go travelling then that’s great. For most the travelling is a pipe dream.

I really feel for you OP. We imagine when our kids become adults and we will not have to feel the pressure of parenting as much but so often this is not the case.
I think your son doesn't really want to grow up/ to deal with the pressures of becoming an independent adult. He is also very bitter that his friends parents are wealthier and are paying for them to swan around the world having a lovely time and he feels hard done to. He needs to get over this and accept this is the way of the world.
I would firmly tell him he needs to make a decision right now. The flat share friends need to know what he is going to do.
I would say he is very welcome to come home but he will need to contribute to the household costs and also let him know you will have to up your work hours to pay the increased bills once he is home. I would say you are happy to do that but he also must pay into the pot. That way he know you are willing to support him but he must also put effort in to pay his way.

I kind of know what you mean op, but I'd happily let my kids stay here as long as they wanted. But the pressure kids feel these days is different to my generation, although I never went to uni. Ds has just came home and the 4 of us will need to be sharing the one family car, every single one of both my ds's pals have their own cars, bought solely by parents or grandparents. We have no family and never had inheritances so can't pass any money on. I feel shit for this but can't do a thing about it.

He's an adult so if you want him to be more independent it might be time to start letting him make his own choices rather than try to work out which option is more likely to result in xyz. I mean than nicely so sorry if it doesn't sound it :)

If he wants to come, and you don't mind him living at home again then set a reasonable £ for rent and bills and he has to pull equal weight. Like an adult.

Or he can choose something else. It's his choice. Adults make choices and live with them. Sometimes they make stupid choices but that's HOW they become independent.

If you don't want him living back home then say no.

Help him by finding more information about where he can travel and work. There are tonnes of things he could do from working for a conservation charity or building homes in Africa to camp America, as well as regular bar work, etc. If you google you will find specific organisations. You might find that a few months doing something like that helps him to mature.
Enjoy having your boy at home! When he settles miles away you will miss him like crazy and wish he was home. Don’t have him think he’s not welcome at home.

Also I know what you mean about mn assuming parents have the means to always support kids. I'm on minimum wage and it's not easy.

Oliversmumsarmy
He has played a particular sport al his life - and did degree relating to this .
During the last few months he said he discovered that he did not want to coach that sport and prefers just to play it . He has experience via the degree in things like ethics , health n safety , business management in the sports industry .
At least he knows what he doesn’t want to do .
All he can come up with is that he loves sport , doesn’t want to coach his sport . Loves good food .

I think k1223 has hit the nail on the head; the younger generation want it all and they want it now. After OP's son goes on his travel he will need to come back again to save for a deposit. That is fine for families that are financially comfortable, but hers isn't.

It’s that he has changed his mind as wants to travel and realises that paying for the room in the house will affect that

Oh, this bit made me mad :)

That's bloody life. I want to buy a brand new jaguar and paying the mortgage to keep a roof over our heads gets in the way of that. Tough.

missbattenburg Thanks
We believe that he may flourish more if he doesn’t come home . We have told hi m the reason for this

• indeiendancance

Living with mates More job oops I’m Uni town However , I don’t know how I could say i don’t want him Home .. I appriciate what you say .. how would you actually say that without hurting feelings? I’d love to dare say it as I think he genuinely wd benefit from independence and after a week or so here in the countryside he’d be missing his mates and complaining

Travel is not an entitlement and it’s a bit rude of him to throw his wealthy friends in your face. It’s great that he’d like to be wealthy, but then he needs to roll his sleeves up and do something, anything, while he figures out how to make that happen.

Dd1 finished last year, returned to us and took nine months to get a job. Job market is really tough, agencies are not great and direct applications take hours.

Dd2 has finished uni, starts job in September and won't really be home after that point apart from odd weekends.

My point is that some finish uni with their future mapped out. Others don't, but it all sorts out in the end.

That aside, I think uni career services only focus on those who are achievers, take credit for students that have actually organised jobs and careers on their own. Those that don't know their path, or are late to the table are bit helped at all. Disabled students got next to no help or advice and that was truly shocking. That has been our experience frankly.

Freudianslip1 Yes I agree
We did talk about post travel plans
., no plan except ‘ maybe join fire service ‘ we offered pay for lessons . He says all he wants is to ‘ get on a plane ‘
. He gets angry when we quiz him . But it is our life too . And it would be
A gap year
Uni
Year at home
Travel
Back home ..

All posters making out he should be allowed home to live rent free indefinitely must be loaded and missing the crucial parts of OPs post. The son can't drive. They live in a rural area with no/low employment opportunities. Also ignoring the fact that OP has to increase her hours to pay for her 22 yo ( not 12 though that post was very good ) son.

He could end up lazing around the house for months, even years. Who on earth expects their parents to fund travelling because a few friends have? Lucky friends with rich parents but to expect less well off parents to fund this is ludicrous and incredibly selfish.
Op you're clearly really worried about him but you're not wrong to suggest he stay with his plans and stay in the city to work. If he is in a low mood he would deteriorate further stuck at home in the sticks with no transport and unemployed. The added cost to you will increase stress for you. This really is a tough love situation not a oh poor darling wants another year off from growing up.

My youngest moves out soon. His older brother wants to move back in with me for 2 years to save for a deposit. I love this because DS1 has a good degree and went straight into work. He never once wanted to lay about or travel so I'm happy to have him back again. If he'd been lazy and after wanting yet another break, I'd have said no way.

Help him by finding more information about where he can travel and work

He's 22, or very nearly, not a 15 yo looking for his first work experience! He needs to be finding the information and making a plan.

OP can offer all the support in the world, but he needs to make the decisions.

First, and most urgently, whether he wants to go ahead with the houseshare. He needs to tell his friends now if he wants to drop out. OP, I think, has said she has agreed to be a guarantor. DS must not sign the tenancy agreement and then drop out, leaving the op liable.

Second, if he decides to come home, he needs to have a plan for how he's going to work, pay his way, and save, in a rural area with limited work opportunities, and no transport.

No-one else can do that for him.

FWIW, I agree with the op that he'd be better off taking the houseshare and working in uni town while he works out what he really wants to do.