About ds finishing uni ?

[ginorwine]

Ds had gap year prior to uni and has now completed a non vocational
Degree .
Due to a combination of personality ( not planning ) and troubles with his partner , ds is now heavily hinting that he wants to come home in order to save money to then go travelling , after which he will seek to establish a career .
Little idea what he wants to do . We asked him to see uni careers -after some time they suggested he did ma but his heart isn’t in it , and no further guidance .
So .. option to remain in uni town with few mates ; get a job and the travel
. This difficult because the rent is expensive so it limits what he can save .
He has suggested that he returns to us.. which we have agreed to but that he either comes with a view to saving for travel and pays us rent or if he wants to live in the area we live in , he can live with us rent free for say 3 months to build some income and find his feet then look for his own place .
He has told us that a lot of his pals are returning home and he feels isolated by our conditions or something and now implies that he will stay in his uni town . We said we thought that the best option initially as his pals there and more employment .
He seems hurt that we are not rushing to ask him return home but are encouraging his independence . ( have offered pay some of his rent there to enable him to save for travel
If that’s what he chooses)
.
In all truth we would like him to be independent but it seems the expectation is that he is supported to live at home whilst saving to travel .
D p and I both left home after uni and I guess we expected the same ( or live with parents for a short while .. and whilst we know it’s more difficult we gave offered to pay some of his rent .
Seems expectation clash
His to return home
Ours him
Not to ..
I don’t wan to distress ds so am
Asking A i b u?

I'm going to add
Each scuba course costs extra money

Suggest start with a 'try/trial' dive
Then progress through from beginner to master diver
No rush, enjoy the process
Provides opportunities to travel locally & abroad

I think a lot of the suggestions about travelling and working in different location that are organised through a company are very worthwhile but otoh it still seems to look like he is just playing at being a grown up.

Don’t know if I have put it right.

If he wants to save and then travel and pick up work whilst away then that is one thing and will probably make him grow up and feel more confident than the organised work placement where it still seems like a school trip with housing and food provided
IYSWIM

Oh god Op your son really reminds me of myself at that age. I am 41 now and have grown up a lot and am successful and mature now but Jesus I was a mess at that age . So please have faith. He will get there -

As someone exactly like him - even down to signing up to a house in uni town with mates post graduation and running home at the last minute (20 yrs on we laugh about it now) ...I really sympathise with how hard it is when you don't know what you want.

I promise though that what he really needs is some tough love. I think he should be encouraged to really look at the detail of budgeting for travel - of course we all want to jump on planes but please let him see as it took me a longtime to realise that.. wherever you go. There you are.

IE. His indecision and fear of life will still be there when he is in India racking up debt.

What will he then do when he comes home?

Could you make a deal that if he works hard for two years you will contribute to him going to India ?

Don't just give in and let him come home - if there are no jobs and friends near you he needs to be realistic.

But the op saying work hard for 2 years and I'll contribute to your travelling is perpetuating this idea that he's a child. The op doesn't have the cash to subsidise an adult going on holiday she's on minimum wage! And if he's been working he should be able to pay for his own travels. No wonder young people today are unable to make decisions or organise themselves! I don't thi k he has a genuine passion for travel. Its a delay mechanism. If he does genuinely want to do that hell make it happen, he's 21 not 12. Or maybe hell travel when he's 25, or 50nor retired, the world is not going anywhere!
His immediate choice is live in uni town or live at home there is no work available at home that isn't poorly paid agriculture seasonal work. Throwing in how about new ze2or scuba diving or bunac, this isn't the time. He's not ready to look at that and when he is he needs to do the research and the saving himself. I know it's an unpopular viewpoint but helicopter parenting doesn't create resourceful independent young people.

I think a lot of the suggestions about travelling and working in different location that are organised through a company are very worthwhile but otoh it still seems to look like he is just playing at being a grown up.

I disagree, ours did a year of travelling, some of it with organised tours and came back a different person, far more mature. It was the best thing they ever did. Now settled in a responsible job but with a lot of time off and still travels at every opportunity. 50 countries so far and counting.

Has he looked into this?

If it were my son, I would have him back. He needs to focus

...on what he wants to do, career wise, and work back to see how he gets there from here. It may influence his next year, and your feelings.

Fraxion

I think the pertinent word is some of it with organised tours.

I think when he says he just wants to get on a plane I think that is more to do with the fact his 2 options are as bad as each other and he just wants to run away.

I have to agree he sounds like my Ds who is also ADHD or what I would think he would be like if I hadn’t put a huge amount of input into finding him a career he loves.

You cannot rely on the university. They are there to sell you something not to look into what possibilities are out there that might interest him.

I would have him home in the short term just to get him on an even footing and with the proviso that you all sit down and look at finding a career he wants to do long term or even short term.

I.e if he wants to travel then finding a career that involves travelling, or working abroad.

Holiday rep, ski instructor, life guard, all the jobs that are involved in hotels and many many more

Friend was a rep in Ibiza for years, another was a long haul flight attendant. (Met his wife on a plane)
Both now retired.

They are the only 2 people I know who really loved their jobs.

I think after, if he does decide to go travelling then he will need to move to a town where he can hold down more than 1 job and concentrate on saving.

I.e office or shop or coffee shop etc work during the day, stacking shelves, bar work type stuff in the evenings.

With an end figure in sight.

I think at the moment he hasn’t any goals and is just drifting.

Focussing on what he wants and showing him a way to get it will help his MH hugely.

User commented on page 8.

Poor planning
Impulsive
Lacks motivation
Indecisive
Fickle
Tendancy for low moods

Not all teens are the same. Some have lots of drive, ambition, would love to work in a ski chalet, become a scuba diva teacher, airline steward, etc. Its great to support them. But some just aren't like that. Some have issues. Parents have to try to be realistic as well.

Also reading a book "Dream Factories: why universities won't solve the Youth Job Crisis" by Ken Coates" and its also another dose of reality.

I think OP's post attracted alot of attention partly because many parents and young people are facing some of these dilemmas.

oops, I meant to add User commented on ADHD. Oliversmum's post on this subject very helpful too.

Out of my friendship group at uni I was the only one who didn’t move back in with my parents, I moved out when I was 17. As an adult I know very few people who didn’t move back home, the ones who didn’t had fairly wealthy parents who paid their rent.

If he wasn’t paying cheap rent in the spare room, would you be renting it out? If not I think it’s mean not to let your own child move in temporarily.

Could you make a deal that if he works hard for two years you will contribute to him going to India?

That's actually a pretty good idea ...

I think the drive comes from knowing where they are heading.
Knowing what THEY want to do.
Knowing the path to achieve THEIR goals.

In capital letters as I know some parents just want their children to work in the same environment as they do. (DP would love Ds or Dd to work in an office.

That is not happening)

Looking at Ds now and he has no worries about his future. He knows where he is heading and knows which skills he needs to achieve what he wants.

But that is only after huge amounts of thought and time doing careers questionnaires, looking and finding lists and lists of jobs and careers associated with every tiny aspect of his personality. But when he had his breakthrough it was a huge weight off his mind.

Zippy Bungle I am incensed by your tripe pop at my generation. With or without uni fees ( many of my generation could not go for many reasons, and cheaper housing ( and lower wages! ) There was never any question of taking a a Gap year or travelling after university. Real lif started straight away , we had to get a job and support ourselves. No help from parents was available. The bank of Mum and Dad was only invented for our children. We have been happy to help as we can, and do without some things in our retirement to help with child care and deposits. Please stop your infantile rant

Can I suggest an alternative. CELTA courses are a month, he could then go work abroad teaching English for a year while he works on his confidence. It's not cheap (£1,300 i think), but he could take out a loan to cover it and flights. Some course providers organise jobs abroad. Standing in front of a class of kids is a great way to get confidence. He could work abroad for a year while saving money to travel further.

His jjealousy of his richer friends is something he will have to deal with throughout his life and not a reason to avoid sorting himself out. He must be at least 23 by now and old enough to realise that everyone else is not supported by rich parents - just the one's he's focusing in to make excuses for his lack of focus and unwillingness to enter adulthood.

But that is only after huge amounts of thought and time doing careers questionnaires, looking and finding lists and lists of jobs and careers associated with every tiny aspect of his personality. But when he had his breakthrough it was a huge weight off his mind

^ This. Yes, Oliversmum, gearing myself up for something like this with DS. I have a feeling it will be hard, as he does have some issues, but if you get there I suspect so worthwhile. I'm a fan of Myers-Briggs by the way, so I think that might be a good start.

Thing is, it doesn't matter that he doesn't know what he wants to do now, or next year, or for the rest of his life.

What matters is that he needs a job, any job, now. He needs to start paying his way, he needs to build his self confidence, he needs to save if he's serious about travelling, he needs a solid chunk of work experience for his cv.

Re the comments about whether many teenagers are like this - this man isn't a teenager. He must be 22, give or take a few weeks, maybe going on 23, depending on when his birthday is.

Oliversmummy, how did you go about helping your ds with career choices? My ds is at that stage.

Ds did loads and loads of online career tests.

Then if anything was mentioned in the results, I.e performing or construction or sport etc then I would find lists and lists of job titles that involved even a spurious link to the performing (ballet dancer, ballet teacher, ballroom dancer ballroom dancing teacher actor acting coach acting teacher, stunt person etc) or the construction industry from architect to roofer etc

Literally 1000s of job titles.

Ds waded through them and crossed off those that were a definite no.

Then he looked at what was left and worked his way through page after page, looking at what exactly the jobs actually entailed and firstly with his dyslexia and dysgraphia would he be able to do the job and if he thought he could then it would stay uncrossed

Got it down to I think about 12 things which a few tied in together and came under the same umbrella.
So whilst he is learning one trade he is taking courses on other relating things

A couple of things are totally out there but he has a knack for them.

He is pursuing them as well in any spare time.

Ds at school was struggling to get 4% in English and was bumping along the bottom in a lot of subjects and was totally turned off learning.

At college, on the course he wanted to do he was scoring sometimes 100% in tests and completed the year long course in 2 terms.

The difference in him is huge

That's amazing

Is there any career tests you'd recommend?

We just googled them.

After doing several it became clear where his interests lay.

We did this over a few months.

We did know Ds wasn’t interested in office work (much to dps distress)and anything needing a degree, A levels or just too many GCSEs was off the table

Dp has always worked in an office. He really put Dd and Ds off working in that type of environment because every night he comes home stressed.

I'll try to encourage ds to do this, it's a good idea.

Oliver what has your son ended up doing?

@tuxedocatsintophats

Nail on head. OP repeatedly says they live rurally and ds doesn’t drive. What’s he going to do to earn money? Spin straw into gold?

What’s this madness about wanting to travel? He needs to get earning, OP can’t afford to support him indefinitely, nor should she have to.