About ds finishing uni ?

[ginorwine]

Ds had gap year prior to uni and has now completed a non vocational
Degree .
Due to a combination of personality ( not planning ) and troubles with his partner , ds is now heavily hinting that he wants to come home in order to save money to then go travelling , after which he will seek to establish a career .
Little idea what he wants to do . We asked him to see uni careers -after some time they suggested he did ma but his heart isn’t in it , and no further guidance .
So .. option to remain in uni town with few mates ; get a job and the travel
. This difficult because the rent is expensive so it limits what he can save .
He has suggested that he returns to us.. which we have agreed to but that he either comes with a view to saving for travel and pays us rent or if he wants to live in the area we live in , he can live with us rent free for say 3 months to build some income and find his feet then look for his own place .
He has told us that a lot of his pals are returning home and he feels isolated by our conditions or something and now implies that he will stay in his uni town . We said we thought that the best option initially as his pals there and more employment .
He seems hurt that we are not rushing to ask him return home but are encouraging his independence . ( have offered pay some of his rent there to enable him to save for travel
If that’s what he chooses)
.
In all truth we would like him to be independent but it seems the expectation is that he is supported to live at home whilst saving to travel .
D p and I both left home after uni and I guess we expected the same ( or live with parents for a short while .. and whilst we know it’s more difficult we gave offered to pay some of his rent .
Seems expectation clash
His to return home
Ours him
Not to ..
I don’t wan to distress ds so am
Asking A i b u?

Are the mates in uni town all uni mates? Where are his school friends?

He's taking the piss. He wants to fuck off and travel, well good for him. Don't we all? Tell him to get a job, find a place to live and support himself, not live rent free on your money so he can traipse about. Time to grow up.

With all due respect you could buy a house for a fiver when your generation graduated

He doesn't want to buy a house though, he wants to go on a jolly, partially funded by his parents. Travel has never been cheaper. The son is majorly taking the mic here.

My DC are all that age. One finishing college this year. I would be happy enough for him to come home for a year and save to travel. I would ask him for small contribution towards expenses. And most importantly want him not to expect to be waited on. A counsellor said to me once do what you feel happy to do..don't do what you feel manipulated to do. So don't overthink it worrying about him being more independent etc. If you can help your own kid ..do it.
As for someone saying my generation had it easier...that's harsh. We often came from larger families, were thrown in at the deep end very early, had absolutely no support from home financially as our parents were totally stretched, had no opportunity to travel...come on ...its horrible when people resent the grneration before them without full knowledge of their life.

He'll probably find that he'll have a whale of a time living in university town with his friends whether he saves up or not. Even though I'm sure that many graduates do return home there must still be loads who don't because they go where the work is to live.

just make sure he isn't depressed. great that he has his degree but that next step is scary for many.
uni's are money making institutions so not surprised they suggested an MA.

your plan sounds good, but is it easy to enforce?

Hi all Thankyou for comments .
I think he has low mood . It’s complicated .
He tends to take easy route and can lack confidence despite us for years building it etc and there comes a
Point where we don’t want to go from supporting to enabling him not to grow up .
Background . Was going to uni -at last min decided to defer . Had no plans as sudden decision .
We encouraged him to get a job that year which he did . We also encouraged him to save and travel
If he wanted .. say save for half that year , do something fun the latter half . He didn’t want to and became bored and isolated as most of his mates at uni . He lived with us rent free as it didn’t occur to us to charge board .
During the latter months of uni he split from
G f and v upset .
We had him
Home , supported him , sent food , etc and also because historically he didn’t plan tried often to get him
To see a student support , and careers . This took months .
He doesn’t know what to do when he leaves uni but repeatedly said that he doesn’t want to stay in the uni town and pay rent , plus feels isolated there , but repeatedly said- up till now .. that he doesn’t want to come here and didntvwantbeitherboptiom - then he said he was staying at the uni town and found a house to rent with mates and seemed to be looking forward to it - did all paper work -we had to act as guarentours .. but he has not signed contract yet . He says he doesn’t want either option he just wants to travel
. He has said he is jealous of his mates who can . He has now said he would like to come home and feels isolated beacause we have not automatically said he can . This is beacause we have pointed out that the uni town he lives in has his mates there ( he had arranged to live with them and they still think he is going to ) and there is better chance of work as we live rurally and he doesn’t drive . We don’t want him to live there because we don’t love him
And don’t want him as one poster appeared to imply , but because he will have more opportunity there to get secure work .
The issue here is he says he won’t apply for a career type job as he plans to leave in a year to travel . Therefore his wage will be lower .. which then leads to him nit being able to save . Says he will apppy for more long term
Job after travel .
But if he lives with us , there is not a lot of non seasonal
Work .
The only thing I can think of is letting live here rent free in order to save ( or more practically , take rent from
Him then give it back when he travels for his plane ticket to help him out - if we can afford it )
I find it interesting that some posters assume that we can afford to subsidise him at home .? We can , just about but at expense to ourselves and I would need to increase my work hours .
I hope that I have showed that I nit heartless - but that there is a pattern of avoiding the difficult .. ( gave up paid for driving lessons , gave up school
Subjects when hard ) due to a complex combination of lack of confidence - we have supported him over the years but we don’t know wether to kindly tell him it’s time to grow up if this is another avoidancebthjng as we don’t want to enable him and he may grow through adversity . Stay at uni town , support self ,. or to see a anxious young man who can’t face leaving uni .. and respond in the way he seems too want which is to focuss on travel
And delaying work .
Our reaction at times has been led by months of trying to support him to make a decision or think of a direction .. he has been undecided , reluctantl to ask for uni support and now it feels like the sudden gap year again .
I do think he has low mood now . He has dreaded leaving uni we tried to tell him
Uni wil support with this and that it’s a common feeling but now it’s here and he has only just agreed to see gp now it’s got to crunch point .

If he wants to travel he will need to get a job to fund it, it's not cheap, especially if it's an extended trip. One of ours worked for two years in a high paying job to save for a year long round the world trip. I agree with what Bignicetree said. You can't support him forever.

Fraxion
That’s really helpful about the costs . Thankyou . Can you advise how much savings were needed?
I don’t think he has thought of the implications .

DD2 was going to do the same post graduation, temp job, save up a bit while living (cheaply, not rent free) at home and then travel. 6 months of a temp job and she was applying for grad schemes, starts with a Big 4 consultancy in September. Travel plans are now a month visiting various friends in Europe

How would you be “subsidising” him at home?

If he was not there you would still be heating the home etc. How would your outgoings (outwith food) be increased by his presence?
Yes he should contribute to any additional expense his living st home might incur, and in practical terms around the house. But I feel charging “rent” is going too far. Get him to set up a cash ISA and a direct debit into that instead, much better for his future planning.

As others have said the absolute norm is for graduates to come home. My DS will be doing exactly this next week. I don’t know of any graduate who is Immediately going to be able to support themselves away from home.

We all want out kids to be able to lead independent lives. But not at the expense of their happiness surely? It’s only temporary, I wonder if you are being too dogmatic on this based on your own experience in a different era where things were very different for new graduates

I think you should say yes , and he may well change his mind?

I think he just doesn't have a clue what he wants to do.

And the easiest thing is for you to fund his life while he decides.
DCs always say everyone is wealthier.

Do you have any relatives or friends who could give him a few days at their work so he can get some ideas?
Perhaps careers people (if there are any left) could help.
Perhaps some voluntary work might help.

Travelling is a good idea when you have no commitments. A friends son did the European Voluntary Service. Got free digs, I think, and helped build a barn for several months. South of France.

YANBU Op. You come across as being very loving and sometimes love needs to be tough.

Even 10 years ago, both my siblings moved home for a year to save for Masters degrees. Fortunately plenty of work in our home town. Sounds like that isn't the case where you live? So he is stuck in the Uni city where work is plentiful, but he has to pay rent so it would take him longer to save. Why couldn't he do that for say 2 years instead?

Where does your son want to go? Could he consider some form of working holiday? Not sure how easy that would be these days. Would he consider au pair type work?

VanCleefArpels
I understand , but the thing is he has already found a house in his uni town with mates . And a job ( not enough hours but working on it )
It’s that he has changed his mind as wants to travel and realises that paying for the room in the house will affect that . We did offer to pay toward his rent to help him a bit to travel . We have signed all the papers for the landlord / agency and now he has had second thoughts as he can save more . He didn’t originally want to come home . Now he doesn’t want to be here or there but has to choose and is erring on side of here . I got him a seasonal
Job straight away here but he didn’t pursue it in case the work runs out later in year . Poor employment here - rural .

I will allow my dd back home to live on the proviso she's looking for and gains employment and pays living costs nominally and save for a deposit . I will not allow her to come home and save money for travelling. Travelling is a privilege not a right and I'm not enabling that.

He’s a grown ass adult he should be paying his rent. Oh and I bet his friends are fucking fuming that he’s not yet signed that contract they’ll probably lose that house.

If you live rurally and he can't drive, how will he find work?
And you say he already had an arrangement to share with his friends, and they don't know that he's changing his mind? He would be letting them down, presumably.

Given that he bottled out of travelling during the gap year that he took to do just that, I wonder if he'll do it this time round?

You be honest, it sounds as though he needs to talk to someone at the University counselling service. It seems that he's confused and worried.

It's normal to return home, once he has a job by all means charge rent but you don't seem very welcoming to him

saraclara

If you live rurally and he can't drive, how will he find work?
And you say he already had an arrangement to share with his friends, and they don't know that he's changing his mind? He would be letting them down, presumably.

Given that he bottled out of travelling during the gap year that he took to do just that, I wonder if he'll do it this time round?

You be honest, it sounds as though he needs to talk to someone at the University counselling service. It seems that he's confused and worried.

Today 07:54 stucknoue

There needs to be a clear plan

Suggest
One year rent free to save up to travel for one year. In that time, he can plan where he wants to travel.

I never had a gap year

I worked multiple jobs to save up for a deposit for a property, but I didn't have the opportunity to live with my parents.

My other suggestion is that he attempts to remain friends with some of the people that he went to uni with, so that he can meet up or swap plans with

I would ask, when he returns from his first travel. Does he expect to live with you rent free again, to save up to travel again & again or to save up to move out or save for property deposit

Some people travel multiple times

£1 goes a lot further in Asia

With all due respect to your ds, post university is "grown up" time. First duty of a grown up is to support themselves - travel, hobbies, socialising, saving for a deposit etc - all come second.

saraclara
I agree! This is why for the last 5 months we have pushed him
To see student services . He did eventually do it . They advised do ma but he didn’t want that .
Then he got together with mates and agreed to a house together . Now he is saying he only agreed to that as didn’t know what else to do . He never mentioned comming home until 2 weeks ago .

I think you are being harsh, exactly how many of his graduate friends will stay in uni city?

My DS is just finishing a YII, most of his uni friends will graduate this summer and go straight home, very few will still be in uni city when he returns in Sept.

He plans to travel after graduating next year, he has saved money from YII, but he will come home next June after finishing uni and can stay here as long as he wants before and after he travels. It is still his home as far as I am concerned. He does have serious career plans, based on his YII, but we know it may take time for him to get back into that industry.

DD is similar to your DS, lacking confidence and direction, except she is not planning uni at present and has no idea what she wants to do. She just turned 19, had a year working in retail and saved to fund volunteering/travelling abroad. She heads off volunteering in Sept, back for Xmas then hopefully goes travelling. There is no way I would tell her that she couldn’t come home afterwards, whilst she decides what her next step is work/study wise. Again, this is her home.

Both kids have proved that they can save money, they help in house etc. We have not handed them money for travelling (even though we could afford to!) but I also haven’t charged DD board this year, on condition she saved (initially to replace childhood savings that she used for her car, then for travel fund).

Equally I don’t stop them chilling and lazing when not in work - I fully expect my DS to have a chilled summer in front of our TV after a very busy YII job (he’s been living in a different city to his uni) - given the opportunity he would have stayed on till Sept but wasn’t an option.

Maybe the travelling is just what your DS needs right now to broaden his horizons and work out what to do. That will likely be achieved quicker if he comes back home. Perhaps make it a condition of him returning that he starts plans to go travelling. Would he consider some volunteering abroad - if so, I can PM you some of the organisations that my DD researched.