About ds finishing uni ?

[ginorwine]

Ds had gap year prior to uni and has now completed a non vocational
Degree .
Due to a combination of personality ( not planning ) and troubles with his partner , ds is now heavily hinting that he wants to come home in order to save money to then go travelling , after which he will seek to establish a career .
Little idea what he wants to do . We asked him to see uni careers -after some time they suggested he did ma but his heart isn’t in it , and no further guidance .
So .. option to remain in uni town with few mates ; get a job and the travel
. This difficult because the rent is expensive so it limits what he can save .
He has suggested that he returns to us.. which we have agreed to but that he either comes with a view to saving for travel and pays us rent or if he wants to live in the area we live in , he can live with us rent free for say 3 months to build some income and find his feet then look for his own place .
He has told us that a lot of his pals are returning home and he feels isolated by our conditions or something and now implies that he will stay in his uni town . We said we thought that the best option initially as his pals there and more employment .
He seems hurt that we are not rushing to ask him return home but are encouraging his independence . ( have offered pay some of his rent there to enable him to save for travel
If that’s what he chooses)
.
In all truth we would like him to be independent but it seems the expectation is that he is supported to live at home whilst saving to travel .
D p and I both left home after uni and I guess we expected the same ( or live with parents for a short while .. and whilst we know it’s more difficult we gave offered to pay some of his rent .
Seems expectation clash
His to return home
Ours him
Not to ..
I don’t wan to distress ds so am
Asking A i b u?

With all due respect you could buy a house for a fiver when your generation graduated, having lived off grants and paid no tuition fees

Grants were frozen in 1989 and house prices were last in fiver territory sometime around the 1950s. How old do you imagine OP is?

Last queen of Scotland
He has not told them
! In case he feels he can’t come here .

It's hard to tell what is best to do, since he seems to have so little self-confidence, but from what you say I think him coming home now for the longterm might not be in either of your best interests - he will feel hounded and harassed by your insistence he "grows up", and you will just worry seeing him not being a "grown up" yet.

However, I also think travelling may not be such a waste of time and money as you think. I'm getting the impression he wanted to travel before but backed out due to nerves? Then doing this now and travelling on his own may very well encourage his confidence and independence! He can also work while he travels - some cousins of mine did this as well. There's plenty of TEFL positions for native speakers, seasonal work abroad, something in tourism (popular youth hostels are always looking for temporary staff). He'll not need a lot of money to start, and he may find something he loves doing (or hates doing, and that helps with looking for an adult job as well). If he is not ready to settle, don't force him. They're so young still, and have so many years of work and drudgery ahead. But you also don't have to fund him while he plays video games and works at a meaningless, underpaid job. There are other roads.

Sophiesdog11
Yes please re the info re your daughter . I would appriciate that .
Am not sleeping worrying about it and after months of support am feeling a bit worn out and perhaps nit thinking straight now that things have taken another turn .

I don’t really understand the dichotomy. Why can’t he get a job (maybe language teaching/ waiter) abroad? There are plenty of programmes for internships or work abroad that will give him the travel experience he craves while not depleting all his savings. If he’s willing to work hard, EFL teaching can be so so rewarding, for example. Alternatively, shorter-term volunteering abroad might provide his food and accommodation (sometimes this is the case) while also looking great on his cv.

TheAnswerIsInABookSomewhere He can and I think he would be willing to
But first he needs the cost of a plane ticket and some back up money .
And a decision to live in his uni town ( rent contract a year ) or come home must be made - that’s the issue to be addressed first .

I think he is behaving terribly towards his friends. This is possibly going to impact their ability to rent the house. As they will need to find his share of the rent or someone else to take his room.

In addition if he's struggled with independence before the likelihood of him having the confidence and money to travel is very low.

However I'd be worried about his mental health. And the impact of forcing him to stay where he doesn't wish to be. And for this reason I'd let him come home and try to help him as best as possible. But I'd make him tell his friends ASAP.

He hasn’t a clue what he wants to do and probably thinks coming home for a few months and then going travelling is about giving him chance to think of his future. But he can tell by your response he isn’t wanted at home

Unsure why the university careers advice was to offer him an MA if he doesn’t know what he wants to do. Sounds like university careers advice is there just to line the pockets of the university.
I would be disgusted at their lack of skills.

I think your Ds is exactly the type of person who shouldn’t have wasted time and money going to uni at 18 and should have spent the years doing all sorts of jobs to find his strengths and weaknesses.

Most chilling thing I think is despite not knowing what he wants to do you are talking about “secure jobs”

You and his friends sound like you have his life mapped out and anything he wants is dismissed out of hand

In other words take the flat like your friends want you to do and get a nice secure job and stick with it for the next 50 years which is what it looks like you want him to do.

To someone who as you said is in a low place I would be very worried about him.

He sounds quite depressed.

I would have him home in an instant and really encourage him to take on any type of work so he can go travelling.

I can see him never coming home.

Bluntness100 I agree
RE not forcing him
To stay were he doesn’t want to be .. it’s just that he decided that plan months ago and he has only just told us that he has doubts . And he is supposed to be signing for the house this week .

My 2 son;s have just finished uni and are awaiting the results of their finals. I am a single mum, last year I bought a house and made sure it had 3 beds so they always had a home with me if needed. If they do not secure jobs soon, they are welcome here as long as they need to stay. I do not have lots of money but will not be asking them to contribute to food and the bills.

I don't think you are being too harsh at all. He has already had a year off to travel, but didn't. It is not usual to have a gap year get your degree then want a gap year again. This trend for delaying responsibilities, growing up and becoming independent is not going to do anyone any good long term.
His CV will show he deferred but didn't travel then delayed looking for work again to live with parents and play about. That is not a good look in a competitive market. He will come across as lazy and entitled, which he is.

Someone above said let him live rent free you still need to heat the house etc. Only my youngest ds is at home now. He went on a months holiday I saved £300 without even trying. Men eat loads plus buying his small and toiletries etc.
Finally if my mum had to work more hours so I could delay growing up for another year I'd be mortified. Does he know this?
He is an adult he needs to act like one. He has had his hear off how many more does he want?

Oliversmumsarmy
It’s what HE said he wanted .
He has changed his mind after securing a house with his mates . He said he wanted his life to be there . I only said a secure job so that he can pay his rent rather than a zero contract hours job where he would not know what money is comming in and there fore be a source of worry .

I did have to pay for my flights initially but they were reimbursed. I think maybe the best thing to work out how long he will need to save for is to find programmes he wants to do (and how much money they require) before making important decisions about housing etc. Mine recommended £1000 arrival money that would be used to sort out mobile phones/ medical exams etc. Flights were reimbursed and we didn’t pay for accommodation.

I understand, OP. My friend's DS came home in a low mood after university and has spent nearly a year in his room. He's sort of reverted to a teenager - sleeping til lunchtime then on his computer (PlayStation?) all day.

If job opportunities are scarce then I'd urge him to stay in uni town for 6 months where has has work. Help him to come up with a plan to travel/volunteer abroad.

Please be very careful about especially short-term volunteering and make sure it is an ethical programme and you know what you are doing. Voluntourism can have a real negative impact on communities, and more and more people are aware of this:

www.huffpost.com/entry/opinion-sullivan-volunteering-abroad_n_5a7de894e4b044b3821d1627

I am responsible for hiring young graduates in my job, and short term volunteering abroad will lead to very critical questions from me and may actually work against them. Work experience abroad never will, and neither will skilled / thoughtful volunteering.

Travelling can sometimes be a good experience for people in his situation and help them build confidence and independence. If he can get a job in his home town I don't think it's a bad plan.

Jennbot
I feel that am being judged as harsh
.
We are happy to support but not enable him if it is about avoidance as you discuss .
We have been supporting him
For months now . He told us he wanted to stay down there . Now it’s lookimg less attractive he is saying he wants to travel ( lots of them are and he says he is jealous )
. He says he initially didn’t ask to come home in case we didn’t encourage it .. ? But in fact it was him who said he has a life there and wanted to stay .

Find a job abroad. He only needs the cost of his flight, a bit of extra cash and a credit card then he can find a job in a bar or something and save money from that to actually travel and holiday.

It does seem a bit sad you don't want him home especially given his poor mental health.

Fyette Thankyou !
I wasn’t aware of that .
I think that it’s a pipe dream that he will travel without a structure and so thought volunteering ideal . Please may you advise of ‘ safe ‘ organisations ?
I read the article you linked to . Sounds like exploitation rather than ‘ helping ‘ in some cases of voluntary wrk . Big business indeed!

YANBU. On MN everyone can afford a nice house with free accommodation for life to all their kids in London or some big city where there's more work. No one ever lives in a shithole in the middle of nowhere and works in a care home with no access to money or credit and cannot afford adult children to live with them for free whilst they gaze at their navels feeling sorry for themselves and contemplating Nietzsche. Oh, no, people in that setting are shit parents, unwelcoming, should not have kids, blah blah blah. Round here when people want to 'go travelling' and don't have the means to do so they join the forces or find work on a cruise ship.

I'd suggest to your son that a plan needs to be made one way or another, to let you know.

He's what, 22 now? He does need to take some responsibility for it all, even though he's only 12 by MN standards.

If he finds a job abroad before he leaves that's pretty structured. Could be a TEFL teacher, for instance - the big English teaching schools offer training and then, if you pass, offer you a job. That used to just require basically any degree. Or he could look into seasonal jobs, e.g. in ski resorts / summer camps abroad. Again, there are companies that will help you find a job and accommodation.
Where would he fancy going? www.prospects.ac.uk/jobs-and-work-experience/working-abroad

It sounds like he needs to grow up. Letting friends down at the last minute for no reason is not on.
If his plan was always to live at home and save that's obviously different from a last minute wavering /being commitment phobic.
I feel you are being too supportive and that's not going to help in the long run. A bit of tough love from parents will be a lot better for him. It worked for most of us from previous generations.
Loving him is not the same as wanting him to move back in whilst subsidising him indefinitely.
The Internet is available to him - he can easily find a work away type job that will be self supporting. Spending thousands on pure travel needs years of savings.

You are not being unreasonable. Going travelling is a luxury not an entitlement.

He needs to start being a productive and self sustaining adult by working and paying his own rent. If he wants to go travelling he can save. He has choices he is making the wrong one and sounds like a teen or a toddler.

He would like to go to India and Australia .
He is going on a city break in summer with unj mates but that is for cheap beer . It’s booked already or I’d say come home and put toward travel ( it was only £200 tho )

Have a look at www.workaway.info/. It might be a good option for him and it'd require less saving and it'd be a bit more structured.