About ds finishing uni ?

[ginorwine]

Ds had gap year prior to uni and has now completed a non vocational
Degree .
Due to a combination of personality ( not planning ) and troubles with his partner , ds is now heavily hinting that he wants to come home in order to save money to then go travelling , after which he will seek to establish a career .
Little idea what he wants to do . We asked him to see uni careers -after some time they suggested he did ma but his heart isn’t in it , and no further guidance .
So .. option to remain in uni town with few mates ; get a job and the travel
. This difficult because the rent is expensive so it limits what he can save .
He has suggested that he returns to us.. which we have agreed to but that he either comes with a view to saving for travel and pays us rent or if he wants to live in the area we live in , he can live with us rent free for say 3 months to build some income and find his feet then look for his own place .
He has told us that a lot of his pals are returning home and he feels isolated by our conditions or something and now implies that he will stay in his uni town . We said we thought that the best option initially as his pals there and more employment .
He seems hurt that we are not rushing to ask him return home but are encouraging his independence . ( have offered pay some of his rent there to enable him to save for travel
If that’s what he chooses)
.
In all truth we would like him to be independent but it seems the expectation is that he is supported to live at home whilst saving to travel .
D p and I both left home after uni and I guess we expected the same ( or live with parents for a short while .. and whilst we know it’s more difficult we gave offered to pay some of his rent .
Seems expectation clash
His to return home
Ours him
Not to ..
I don’t wan to distress ds so am
Asking A i b u?

YANBU.
If he wants to travel he can get a job, housing etc and save. He can then either use his holiday entitlement or quit his job. And then he will be responsible for his housing upon his return.

There does seem to be a trend with the newest generation that 'travelling' is their entitlement. That a holiday won't do and that others must facilitate this.

What is it with young people today! A gap year is a privilege not a right, 'going travelling' is a privilege not a right, and living with your parents when you are an ADULT is a privilege not a right (and you should pay your way).

I think the non vocational degree is a challenge because it doesn't instantly give solutions. My worry is that the travel plan is a bit of a deferral thing to avoid facing into the real issue, which is what the hell is his going to do with the rest of his life?
I've a couple of suggestions. He could try doing a Morrisby online psychometric test which will establish where his real strengths, weaknesses and natural interests lie. This should point him in the right direction occupationally speaking. But he has to want to do it and see the potential end benefits.
My worry is that a lot of non vocational grads do struggle to secure work and he will be viewed by potential employers as a bit of a waster with the gap travel year...but perhaps that's harsh of me. He's up against a hungry ambitious competition.
Maybe he is also overthinking and overselecting his first paid job. I am strongly of the belief that it's important to just land something quickly and not be overly choosy.....further job hunting and figuring things out can be pursued in the evenings.
I'm afraid that I personally would not support the plan to travel on bank of Mum & Dad, no. That May be harsh v his peer group, but it won't be compared to many. An education is a privilege and he should just work and contribute now in a meaningful way. You need to offer loving and firm guidance....don't allow him to muddle up your love for pandering to his whims. You and your DH have to look after yourselves and probably save for your old age.

Has he tried driving lessons?

I think you have to tread a fine line. If he comes home he needs to contribute and he either saves to travel or saves for accommodation otherwise you will still have him at home for years yet.
One of dd's friends is at home now, rent free at 26. Went to uni, then did an MA. Came home got a graduate role in the field she had chosen and packed it in after three months. Did various retail jobs part time (that most were doing in sixth form). Then went back to uni to do a PGCE living at home so stopped working again. Did the PGCE and has now decided to save to travel for a year so back in the retail job part time again.
There is a difference between supporting and enabling if you ask me.

Offer a roof and a loving home, if you can....but yes, charge for it! If he wants to travel, he's got to earn and save for that and negotiate it with an employer or figure that out. He's got to be an adult now.

I think the house-share sounds better mentally. If he has a sports degree, could he get a well paying job in a gym? Personal training?
I'd hate to move home to my parents in the countryside!

Is he aware that to fund him staying at home, you would have to work extra hours?

I ended up in Germany for life after "travelling" rather than going home after uni - with Brexit looming I am now German. Here, as long as your child is living at home and in education, you currently get roughly 200 EUR a month in child benefit up to the age of 25. At the same time, parents have to finance children even after the age of 25 until they have got a vocational qualification - if your child is at uni and not living with you, you collectively have to pay them about 500 EUR a month, by law (or claim further benefits).

So the modern German system basically assumes that some children will need to be financed by their parents and the state until at least age 25. Quite different to the idea of children leaving home and being independent at 18. Different country, different culture - but this system is certainly a good warning that you shouldn't entirely base your plans on the child leaving at 18 :)

It sounds to me that your DS is scared to commit to anything (even driving lessons) I think the time has come that he does that, he must be 22 by now. He says he doesn't want a job in his chosen field and nothing in a long term career kind of thing but I again think this is avoiding making a decision. Plenty of people pack in a good job to go travelling but he may find he actually enjoys working and living in a city with his mates!
I think you mentioned helping out with his rent in the uni town so that may encourage him. Just make sure he knows he's loved and you have his best interests at heart.

I moved back in with my parents after Uni and stayed for almost 3 years so I'm hardly one to talk. However I worked, got a graduate job and saved whilst my partner finished uni and moved to London to gain experience for his own career.

However he's already had a gap year, if he saves to go traveling now he'll expect to move back in and live rent free whilst he looks for a job. It sounds like you don't want him back and you want him to be more independent, so you need to be firm and explain that to him.

If all he wants to do is get on a plane has he thought of doing just that and getting a job as cabin crew.

He would have to move to be nearer an airport
He probably has great qualifications for this type of thing.

I know a guy who did this. Loved his job and saw all the best places.

Spent many years flying all over the world.

Knew all the best hotels.

** I can see your dilemma so clearly, hope you find the right way forward.

Could he be waiting for someone to 'tell him what to do'. ? The uniformed or armed services sound like a really good option for him. They can be very supportive of interest in sports, especially if he competes at national level and doesn't mind being told what to do, especially at first. Encourage him to apply

Alternatively, I second PP's suggestion the teaching English as a foreign language. I know of Inlinguaa* but there will be many others who train people then send them abroad.

He does sound very vulnerable so I applaud your efforts to launch him into independent adulthood. One of these schemes may help to do just that.

ps re

we had to act as guarentours

Did you agree in principle or have you actually signed? This might complicate things if he decides to pull out of the arrangements, especially if you have, as can be required, underwritten not just his share but the whole rent? There are significant risks here

If you agree to finance his sense of entitlement to travel, I fear you may find yourself one day still living with and supporting a 30 year old man child.

You've offered for him to come home, he's decided to stay in uni town. Fine, leave him to it. You sound great and very supportive parents. He's lucky.

YANBU. It’s nice to be able to travel but I think it’s important for him to live independently, get a job and build his confidence up a bit first. Yes it seems unfair that his friends have more money but that’s life, there will always be people that have things easier/better than him.

I graduated with a student loan and overdraft to pay off so I had to get a job. I worked hard for a few years, cleared some of my debts and then went travelling later on. I valued the experience a lot more because I had waited and worked for it.

I wouldn't be looking into how much mo ey he nerds to save for travel etc. I'd take a step back. Let him do the research, let him make mistakes, let him struggle financially even. Not enough money equals get a better job. He needs to learn some lifes kills for himself. I would give no advice but make encouraging noises at everything he says.

If he can’t drive and there is limited work in your area he needs to stay where he is. The reality is that he needs to pay his way whether he wants to travel, work or complete further study. Unfortunately, you will have to spell it out to him because he isn’t mature enough to see this for himself. Sometimes being a good parent means giving your DCs a bit of tough love.

Is the sport he studied something like golf or football which will have many opportunities to travel for those involved in it?

From how you describe him, I'd be tempted to have him come home with clear boundaries to work and save to go travelling. Plan it with him and maybe point out as I'm sure you have already that he needs to make a plan and stick to it rather than flip flopping all over the place as that way he'll never get anywhere. It's a tricky time for them and it does sound like he's still trying to avoid jumping off the cliff and becoming a full blown grown up. My daughter cam home last summer got a bar job and started her first proper graduate job at the end of March. Even though she's generally quite confident, she found the whole transition quite difficult and after one very difficult interview (agency sent her for an interview when they really shouldn't have put her forward as it was not the sort of position she was looking for) she lost a lot of confidence which she kept from us for a few months.

It feels like you’re trying to make his decisions for him with all the conditions etc.
He needs to make his own decisions and/or mistakes.
In your position I’d work out the additional cost of having him in your house and offer him a bed with you for £x or he knows he has a room in the flat for £y and he knows if he wants to travel a plane ticket costs £z.
Then step back and let him decide or not. Frankly if he blows all his friendships by dropping his mates in the shit that’s his call.

Any way you shape or incentivise his decisions one way or another will not help as he won’t have done the growing up that making his own decision requires.

But also I’d say he’s 21? I don’t know anyone from my year at uni who “settled down” till around 23 and I’m in my 40s.

On line personality tests
Good idea !
I still think a year working would do him
Good and am
Really anxious that after the novelty has worn off here he will be isolated as no transport .
When we say it would do him
Good to stay in the uni town he interprets that as you don’t want me home
It’s not as simple as that
We signed the guarantor forms but he h as nit yet signed them but is under pressure from
Agancy to do so as he has delayed .. am
Concerned will just sign in a panic !

Your DS sounds somewhat like my DH. DH also found the post-university phase very difficult, didn't know what to do, and has low self-esteem and anxiety, and often seems to opt for the route of least resistance. It has taken him a long time to find his feet. He found the year after his degree quite hard: friends were either still at university or had found 'proper' employment, while DH was working full time but in an unskilled role. I think he found it quite difficult to see people moving on (either moving to new towns or into proper careers) while he felt stuck. Unfortunately I don't have a solution, except to say I sympathise with both you and your DS. I think for young people suffering from low-self esteem or anxiety, it can be a difficult time, especially if your uni mates seem to have their lives all sorted out.

Having said that, I doubt moving back home is the solution, it won't resolve the above issues. (If he does move back home he should 100% pay his way though).

One thing that may be worth looking at is an EU programme called the European Voluntary Service (I assume UK citizens can still apply at this point): it offers young people the opportunity to volunteer in another European country for up to a year, with all expenses paid. It's not as exotic as India perhaps, but would offer a fairly structured year abroad, that requires little to no money, and is something your DS could put on his CV as well. The application process can be a bit bewildering (i.e. a bureaucratic nightmare), but if this is of interest, it's worth DS contacting a so-called 'sending organisation' (ivsgb.org/erasmus-plus-volunteering/sending-organisation/), who can help guide him through the process.

he say s he’s jealous of his pals who come from
More wealthy backgrihnds who are going away for months having it presumably funded for them

Boo boo. He is a grown man. If he wants things, he needs to develop his career and work for them.

In your situation, I would be reluctant to accept him back home too.

Stop advising him! Leave him to Make his own choices. Don't research all his options your babying him. He needs to work through this himself and make a decision himself. Step back. Sometimes the kindest thing we can do as parents is... Nothing. We stop being involved in the decisions, we let them grow up. We stop duscu3the options and wringing our hands. We wait. We listen. We don't comment on every option.
Seriously, step back. Let him grow up. Let him identify his own options.

to me it sounds like he has some serious emotional issues.this isnt just a lad who is putting stuff off or not doing stuff due to laziness its someone that keep diverting and cant function/plan/decide due to his emotional state and confidence and when you have depression etc you just cant make any choices or make life plans or do much at all!the tell tale signs have been their through every step youve mentioend hes taken in ur post op and also the need for you to want him and ease him.and i really feel for him.sounds quite traumatic tumble going on in his mindset right now.

If he worked hard in the city and saved maybe £3k, he could head to Australia and work there for 6 months - then he could use that money to spend another 3 months touring SE Asia (seems to be the done thing).

If you could pin him down to an end goal, then get him to fill in the steps he needs to go through in order to get there, it might focus him.