How do I stop being angry about this?

[upsetmum304]

I need some advice and for someone to say I'm not being really unreasonable. I'm so angry with my boyfriend at the moment and can't calm myself down and I feel I may do something I regret.

Last night he went out at 8pm for what he says was his works night out. He was picked up by a male friend who he works with that I've never met and don't know much about but that he seems to be spending quite a bit of time with recently.

I didnt think he would be out long as we have a newborn son and he has work today. I text him at half 9 to let him know that I've felt really down and lonely today (I think I may have PND).

I get a text at half 11 saying he will be home soon. Half 1 comes and he still isn't here. Then phone is switched off. I text his mum saying I'm worried, she contacts him also and gets nothing back at first until half 2 when he says he's alright and that he'll be home soon. He doesn't respond to my messages and I hear nothing from him until 3.25 where he says he is waiting for a taxi. Past 4am arrives and he finally arrives home. He's a drunken mess and crashes on the couch.

I've just heard his alarms go off for work and he's completely slept through them. I've woke him up and he's gone back to sleep.

What the fuck is going on? How do I calm down? I feel like I hate him for leaving me with my son who he knows has been very fussy and hard work recently. I'm sick of him being able to have a life and do whatever the fuck when he wants when I can't.

Where do I go from here?

How often does he go out?

@KatherineJaneway at the beginning of our relationship not that much. Then a couple months before I was due with DS he started going out more frequently. He stopped when he was born but he has now been out twice in less than a week

Unless this is a regular occurrence, I think you might be overreacting a little bit and you should seek help for the PND. He was barely out before you text him.

I've done it many time when I've been out and been having so much fun/gotten so drunk that I've lost track of time and my home time kept changing.

I'm so angry I really feel like I resent him and want nothing at all to do with him anymore.

Take your son and go out for the morning, go to playgroup or for a coffee - anything to get out of the house.
Leave him to be utterly hungover, you will only get more and more angry with him.

Then, when you have calmed down, and he has recovered enough to think about it, sit down and have a proper conversation about what each of you expects of the other now you have a child.

Then, separately bring up your PND concerns. That is an issue that needs him to be supportive and not hungover and defensive. Also, I suggest going to chat to your GP or HV, they have dealt with it a million times and are well placed to help.

Are you able to leave your DS with him and have a few hours to yourself? Sounds like you need a break and some "me time" too.

How old is your son?
How involved is he with his care?
If your son is old enough that you feel ready, and you aren't EBF, could you plan a night out/fun day for you and let him look after bubs while you let your hair down?

Given what you have said so far YANBU for being annoyed. Going out is ok but dodging phone contact, coming home a steaming mess in the early hours and sleeping through work alarms, is not.

He's like this every single time he goes out for a drink. Goes AWOL and never knows when to call it a night. He's very bad at handling his drink the next day and he knows that, so for him to be out so long when he has work the next morning just seems so irresponsible

How old is DS?

My ex was like this he couldn’t hold a job down because he would go out straight from work at 4.30 and not get in until past 1 sometimes not at all. Slept through his alarms, couldn’t go to work because he was still pissed and eventually got the sack from 3 jobs in the space of 2 years.

Totally sympathise with you I know how god damn annoying it is, leave him to sober up and he can deal with his boss and let’s hope he is full of apologies today because it’s not on at all.

Hope you’re okay

My son is 5 weeks old.

I feel like I never get a moment to myself yet my boyfriend goes out regularly with this new work friend.

I'm up doing every night feed also because he is working but even on the weekends when he does help with the feeds he sleeps through DS crying and I have to tell him to get up to tend to him. I'm sick to death of everything.

I feel like walking out of the house and not coming back.

So he went for a night out and then came back drunk? Hardly a crime of the century right there.

There's going to be trouble if he doesn't go into work today/sleeps through his alarms. He was already late to work once this week because he overslept

He hasn't gone to work then ?

Quite The Loser, isn't he.

He has a child to support. The time to act like a footloose 19yo is over.

@UnicornDust9 isn't the point. The point is he went AWOL and was uncontactable for hours when we have a newborn son that he knows has been hard work recently.

He knows how exhausted I am and does nothing to help me out but can go off gallivanting on a night out.

Out twice in a week, not on. You texting him at 9.30 basically telly him you need him to come home, not on.
Do not leave your ds with a man who can't even wake up for work.
I get it, your mental state isn't great and you feel insecure about him going out but why text while he is out to try and get him to come home? Did you ask him not to go out because you need a bit of support, I know you shouldn't need to spell it out for him, but sounds like you do.

@AnyFucker he hasn't gotten up to get ready after his first alarm went off so I doubt he'll be going in work

I do agree that you should go out today - try not be around him, give yourself a chance to calm down, let him deal with his work.

I'm sick of him being able to have a life and do whatever the fuck when he wants when I can't.

I think this is something a lot of pregnant/mothers of newborns might feel. IMO, a woman's life changes when she finds out she is pregnant. A man's changes once the baby is born. If he is still going out as much and you haven't had any me time since bubs arrived, it is natural to feel resentful, especially whilst you are on the biggest hormonal come down of your life and possibly think you have PND.

I would try to arrange some time for you to do you things - a few hours at a spa with girl mates?
And when he isn't hungover, have a conversation about the PND and need for support. You don't want to do that while he's recovering from a night of heavy drinking though.

That's what I thought.

Losing his job is next on the cards. It's not looking great, is it.

1. Wake him up.
2. Book a GP appointment or talk to your Health Visitor to get help for your PND.

Of course, a spa day will sort it.

@Drogosnextwife initially I was okay with him going out as I didn't think he would be out that long and I certainly didn't think it would escalate like this.

I thought he would be there for me seeing as he knows how hard to deal with our DS has been and I'd already been on my own with him all day with no help

Agree with pp, try and get out today and get a bit of space. I understand it's not the same with a baby in tow but at least its away from your DP. Sounds like hes not being very considerate of your feelings right now. He has the rest of his life to go out with his mates but you need him here and now. I think a serious conversation needs to be had when he's sobered up and you have calmed down a little.

I am questioning the relationship because I know this will happen again. He was like this before we had our son but I thought it would change once he had the responsibility of a little person to care for.

I couldn't have been more wrong. It's my own silly fault for having a child with an idiot.

I'm up doing every night feed also because he is working but even on the weekends when he does help with the feeds he sleeps through DS crying and I have to tell him to get up to tend to him. I'm sick to death of everything.

Parenting is a two way street. I'm assuming he had two weeks paternity leave. Did he help you then?

I would honestly have a chat about asking him to do more with baby because you are finding it a bit difficult to do on your own. I'm not convinced by him sleeping through your DS crying - could this be in hope that you will get up and see to him?