How do I stop being angry about this?

[upsetmum304]

I need some advice and for someone to say I'm not being really unreasonable. I'm so angry with my boyfriend at the moment and can't calm myself down and I feel I may do something I regret.

Last night he went out at 8pm for what he says was his works night out. He was picked up by a male friend who he works with that I've never met and don't know much about but that he seems to be spending quite a bit of time with recently.

I didnt think he would be out long as we have a newborn son and he has work today. I text him at half 9 to let him know that I've felt really down and lonely today (I think I may have PND).

I get a text at half 11 saying he will be home soon. Half 1 comes and he still isn't here. Then phone is switched off. I text his mum saying I'm worried, she contacts him also and gets nothing back at first until half 2 when he says he's alright and that he'll be home soon. He doesn't respond to my messages and I hear nothing from him until 3.25 where he says he is waiting for a taxi. Past 4am arrives and he finally arrives home. He's a drunken mess and crashes on the couch.

I've just heard his alarms go off for work and he's completely slept through them. I've woke him up and he's gone back to sleep.

What the fuck is going on? How do I calm down? I feel like I hate him for leaving me with my son who he knows has been very fussy and hard work recently. I'm sick of him being able to have a life and do whatever the fuck when he wants when I can't.

Where do I go from here?

But that is you and your experience only, unicorn. You don't get to speak for all women.
I would have been really distressed if DH had done this - I might have said fine to begin with but realised that I'm really not fine and might have asked him to come home. Which he would have because he's not a prick.
And I would worry, and indeed have worried, when DH has said I'#ll be home by blah and not pitched up until several hours later with narry a word. How do I know that he hasn't been knocked down by a car - especially if he's pissed.

Glad somebody else upthread clarified ages. I do think it makes a huge difference.
If you are both early twenties and this baby wasn’t planned that’s a huge adjustment to make - it’s very different from having a baby in your thirties when you’ve got all your partying out of the way and there is a natural need to settle down.
It’s great that he was supportive of you having the baby. But maybe it’s more of a headfuck than he has let on - if you’re going through it with PND too, you can see what a shift in your lives the baby has been.
Of course going out and getting shitfaced on a work night is not the adult way to deal with this situation. But Jesus, neither my DH or I were ready to look after a hamster before the age of 30; maybe he sees his whole life stretching ahead of him and thinks it will be this stressful forever. Maybe you do too, but have different coping mechanisms.

Cut yourself both some slack. It’s natural you’re angry. It’s natural he’s felt the need to go on a bender (not saying that’s good though, please don’t misunderstand me.)
But don’t throw in the towel yet. Wait until you’re less angry and explain to him how you’re feeling. If you’re worried about him losing his job and your home think for a minute how stressed he might be feeling if he is the only breadwinner currently. He’s never done this before (you don’t mention him having previous DC) so from manchild to man is proving a bit of a rude awakening. No excuse, I know, but if you love him and you want to make a go of it then talking as opposed to anger and passive aggressive bacon frying (I have done this when pissed off with hungover DH) is not, IMO the best way forward.
Feel for you OP. Hang in there

Again if roles were reversed, everyone would be saying there was something seriously wrong with a mum going on drunken nights out til 4am then sleeping all day with a newborn.

Honestly? If I were you, I’d get out now. It won’t get better.

To be our that late on a week night- are drugs (coke, if he’s in finance!) or other women in clubs involved?

His mum and grandmother have just been to pick up my son. They're both as angry at him as I am and are on my side. I'm very thankful I have their support otherwise I'd be going out of my head.

I don't know what to think or do.

@Oohgossip really not sure. If I ask him he won't be truthful

That's great you have some support.

I would seriously look into getting yourself and your DS out. Neither of you need a lying manchild in your lives.

These replies are unbelievable - my favourite is UnicornBrexit who came up with a full, invented back story for the OP’s partner, imaging him as a builder so it didn’t matter that he was too shit faced to work because it was raining so he could have a few days off. Also I see your ‘I had a csection and i was at a function 10 days later’ and raise it with ‘I went to a wedding five days after mine’ but guess what? Some people have a harder time of it than us - my section was an absolute breeze, maybe the OP’s wasn’t! Maybe she doesn’t want to go out five weeks post-partum! Maybe she just wants her pathetic, useless partner to look after the family he created. Jesus wept.

It must be brilliant to be a young man, the bar is so fucking low.

I’m so sorry. No, I don’t imagine he would be truthful, would he...

Give that lovely baby a big squeeze when he’s home, he’s what matters!!

His mum and grandmother have just been to pick up my son

And there we have it. 3 women making up for the inadequacy of this one man. And they say we no longer need feminism....

No one is “entitled” to abandon their ill partner and baby and get so wasted they miss work on a regular basis.

This - there would be plenty of opportunities for him to "have a life" when the routine with the baby is a little more established, the OP is feeling a bit better and more supported through him giving her confidence that he was stepping up and doing his bit as a dad. No one is suggesting that he never gets to go out for the next 18 years, but to still behave like a disrespectful, irresponsible teenager and put his job at risk five weeks after having a baby is absolutely out of order.

I'm fucking furious and I can't calm down. I feel I may do something I will regret. Please someone help me to calm down.

I know I don't want to be with this man but I don't know how to leave. How can I get through this?

Have you been out op? Try and do something constructive. Call your HV or GP for an appointment to discuss the pnd.
Go out and get some fresh air. Stewing at home won't help

@iano I wanted to get some sleep seeing as in DC free for a few hours. I'm in no fit state to leave the house. I haven't showered for 2 days because I just haven't had a moment to myself.

We were supposed to be going out tonight for a family meal for my mums birthday. I don't want to tell them what's happened but I don't want to make excuses for him

We are both early 20s. I really don't think age is an excuse for being a twat

But as a PP said, maturity varies and he can be early 20's and still be immature.

Basically he wasn't prepared for starting a family. As a couple you had an unplanned pregnancy and both agreed to go ahead but he clearly hadn't a clue about what having a child was going to do to the way he lives his life. He's going out and getting pissed because of that I believe.

Fresh air, fruit, rest, quiet, music which makes you happy, let yourself cry if you need to, star jumps on the spot for a minute (unless it's not possible yet) - but call your HV and ask for an urgent appt for the doctors because you think you have PND and you need to talk this through.

As for your partner, I think he's made some mistakes and isn't coping great with the changes. But I'm not excusing his behaviour. He needs to learn sharpish that it's tike to grow up. You've managed to and you have to. He needs a slap from a wet fish.

Bless you op is there anything you enjoy doing? Go to a nice coffee shop with a new book or magazine ?

He sounds an immature prick. Maybe try scare tactics, tell him to pack his stuff and leave, he can come back and try to win you back when he’s an an actual adult.
This is not how healthy relationship ps should be.

for you.

Maybe not star jumps post c section! In moment of madness I got skipping rope and jumped 6 weeks post section (had also had serious spd so been on crutches for 6 weeks pre birth). Wasn’t my wisest decision

Jesus you have every right to be angry. You've had a traumatic birth, hormones all over the shop, demanding newborn, pnd. You will rarely be in a more vulnerable position, of course you need your partner around not going awol, coming in blind drunk and risking a the job that is supporting you all. I had horrendous pnd and my husband prioritised caring for me because that is what you do when you love someone - you weren't emotionally blackmailing ffs, you were asking for support from the primary person who should be giving it.

I dont't think you should calm down at all if this is how you feel - he needs to understand how angry you are and how close his behaviour has pushed you to ending it. Love to you.

Man child 🙄

OP its really hard to calm down when you're that angry. You need to try though otherwise you wont be able to sleep

In the short term you could always write him a letter telling him how you feel and how angry you are. Whether you give him it or not it might help to get some of it out. And go a walk, have a change of scene, get some fresh air and exercise.

In the longer term it might help if you make plans to leave. Not saying you should but you might feel better if you have an escape route

Did he get into work?