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Original poster

How do I stop being angry about this?

222 replies

upsetmum304 · 07/06/2019 07:20

I need some advice and for someone to say I'm not being really unreasonable. I'm so angry with my boyfriend at the moment and can't calm myself down and I feel I may do something I regret.

Last night he went out at 8pm for what he says was his works night out. He was picked up by a male friend who he works with that I've never met and don't know much about but that he seems to be spending quite a bit of time with recently.

I didnt think he would be out long as we have a newborn son and he has work today. I text him at half 9 to let him know that I've felt really down and lonely today (I think I may have PND).

I get a text at half 11 saying he will be home soon. Half 1 comes and he still isn't here. Then phone is switched off. I text his mum saying I'm worried, she contacts him also and gets nothing back at first until half 2 when he says he's alright and that he'll be home soon. He doesn't respond to my messages and I hear nothing from him until 3.25 where he says he is waiting for a taxi. Past 4am arrives and he finally arrives home. He's a drunken mess and crashes on the couch.

I've just heard his alarms go off for work and he's completely slept through them. I've woke him up and he's gone back to sleep.

What the fuck is going on? How do I calm down? I feel like I hate him for leaving me with my son who he knows has been very fussy and hard work recently. I'm sick of him being able to have a life and do whatever the fuck when he wants when I can't.

Where do I go from here? Sad

OP posts:
AngeloMysterioso · 07/06/2019 08:10

How long have you been together OP?

UnicornDust9 · 07/06/2019 08:10

He didn’t go awol. He went on a night out! He’s a grown man and should be able to come back when he wants. You knew he went out and texting him and hour and a half after he left was just guilt tripping him. That’s bang out of order!

Also why the hell did you contact his mum?! I’d be fuming if my partner texts my mum because I’m out having a good time and they want me to come home.

SouthernComforts · 07/06/2019 08:16

Oh dear Sad. Your baby wasn't planned and you're fairly young and unmarried. I'm not judging I did the same thing! And I learned the hard way too that being a parent is optional for men. It's shit but you'll be ok.

bridgetreilly · 07/06/2019 08:16

Wait until he's awake, then leave the child with him while you go out for the day.

Wildorchidz · 07/06/2019 08:18

He told the op he would be home at 11.30. 4am is a long long way last 11.30
This is his 2nd night out this week.
He has a new born baby.
He has slept through the alarm and is now not going to go to work.
What exactly is ‘grown man’ about any of that ??

number1wang · 07/06/2019 08:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LonelyTiredandLow · 07/06/2019 08:18

I used to have this with dd's dad. In hindsight I think he was petrified of being a dad and didn't want to face up to responsibilities. I'm also fairly sure he started seeing his now wife when dd was under 6mo.

Men don't always talk about how they are feeling and if your partner is anything like my ex, previous depression will come back. Drinking and not knowing when to stop also mix with the depression to alienate them (which is how it felt for me any way) from you when you are at your most vulnerable. You end up with 2 babies instead of 1.

I suggest that you let him sleep it off and tell him you need to talk to him very seriously about his recent behaviour. I wouldn't do it today or even tomorrow (the depression from the booze will hit and he will promise you the world then renege on it). Maybe Sunday? You really need to spell out to him that if his behaviour doesn't improve - he needs to grow up and take responsibility - then he risks the real future of loosing the two of you. You can allow a few blips, but he has had those now. You need him. Baby needs him. You are meant to be a team.

iano · 07/06/2019 08:18

@UnicornDust9 you wouldn't be worried if your partner told you at 11.30pm that he'll be home soon and then he doesn't show up? Pull the other one Hmm
The op has said she's struggling. If she hadn't been she wouldn't have called him at 9.30pm. She's just given birth. I think her reactions are understandable bearing in mind he's already been out this week.
What twat goes out on a bender leaving his partner to struggle at home with a 5 week old.
If you think that's ok and it's all OP's fault your standards are very low.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 07/06/2019 08:21

Hi OP

I'd be feeling the same as you. When you're in the newborn struggling to have a shower stage and dont get 20 min to yourself but the other person can find a whiole evening and night off, that not right, unless it's a special occasion like a good friends wedding. If he can stay up all night then he could be helping you not drinking

Have you tried to speak to him about it before?

Chinks123 · 07/06/2019 08:21

He’s a grown man and should be able to come back when he wants

Really? When he has a 5 week old at home and knows his partner is struggling? He’s already been out once this week.

Op has already said he texted her first, and she didn’t mention pnd just that she felt upset. That’s not really guilt tripping to me, the newborn days are emotional and she told her partner so.

He’s slept through his alarms and it’s unlikely he’ll go to work today, so he doesn’t sound like a grown man to me.

I say this as someone who had a baby and dp was only 20. Hope you get some sleep op.

Drogosnextwife · 07/06/2019 08:21

Wait until he's awake, then leave the child with him while you go out for the day.

Could people stop advising this, it's shit advice. If he's not responsible enough to get up for work he's hardly likely to get up and look after a 5 week old baby properly is he?

Wildorchidz · 07/06/2019 08:22

Wait until he's awake, then leave the child with him while you go out for the day.

Why do people trot out this utterly stupid advice ad nauseum??
As if the OP is going to leave a 5 week old baby with a hungover father who will probably go back to sleep the minute the OP is out the door ...

Drogosnextwife · 07/06/2019 08:22

He’s a grown man and should be able to come back when he wants

What if the OP wants to go out a night aswell, should they justeave the baby at home alone?

Justaboy · 07/06/2019 08:29

OP Mum, I think that yoiu may be suffering a bit or a level of PND seen that big time years ago so I think an appoiment with your GP would be benefical for you:)

He's now throwing up downstairs. He needs to get a grip.

Yes he does but he'll not be the only young dad who does, my DD2 's bloke is acting a real prat and has now lost his job. Shes now turned in effect into a single mum:(

They it seems need to grow up a bit and more when they become a parent!

BlooDeBloop · 07/06/2019 08:35

I'm just popping by to point out the odd choice of title.
How do I stop being angry about... In everything you've written, you've made it clear you are not unreasonable, you are hurt and taking a huge burden in this relationship. So why are you asking to stop being angry? - this is very interesting to me. Have you spent a lot of time suppressing your feelings in this relationship? Have you been able to stop yourself being angry in the past but not now? Holding onto anger when the anger is telling us something important, or repressing feelings for the sake of someone/something else is highly damaging to our minds, bodies and health. This is a wakeup call. Time to start expressing your needs.

Original poster
upsetmum304 · 07/06/2019 08:36

I got him up to go to work but he refuses to get in the shower. He starts at 9am. Ffs

OP posts:
Original poster
upsetmum304 · 07/06/2019 08:37

@BlooDeBloop I'm angry he's took the piss out of be once again. Like I said he was doing this before we had DS.

OP posts:
LiveFatsDieYoGnu · 07/06/2019 08:38

This thread is an amazing contrast to another recent one where the mum of a, I think, 9 month old went for a rare night out and got lambasted by some posters for having a few drinks. Apparently fathers of 5 weeks olds should be able to get rat-arsed and risk their jobs any time they please though Hmm

Not sure if this is purely sexist double standards, or the urge to get shitty with an OP regardless of what they post...

Notabedofroses · 07/06/2019 08:39

Op it all depends on whether you are prepared to put up with this, for me it wouldn't be acceptable. Having a newborn baby, with PND and a traumatic birth is hard enough, without having a drunken, useless dp to deal with as well. I would not feel that my baby was safe around someone so clearly irresponsible.

My advice to you would be to call his mother, and have them collect him. He needs to go and stay there for a few weeks, and get his head together and decide if he is up to the task or not of parenthood.

Anything less than this will be seen as a green light to continue.

You have told him before on more than one occasion that this is not acceptable to you, and that you expect his support and he has ignored you.

I feel you need to put your boundaries in place now, and he either steps up or steps away.

Beyond calling his mother, and anyone you would like to support you, there is nothing more to do. Just rest and look after you and your little baby and let him work out (when he sobers up) how he is going to deal with it. You will have made your position crystal clear.

Herocomplex · 07/06/2019 08:40

Lonelytiredandlow this is wise and kind advice.

Dulra · 07/06/2019 08:41

upsetmum304 you are 5 weeks post partum you had a traumatic birth you are exhausted overwhelmed and feeling very unsupported. You have every right to feel angry but you are not in the right head space now to make decisions about the future of your relationship with your partner . You said your baby is now sleeping so my advice is to go back to bed and get some sleep yourself you've had a stressful night wondering what your partner has been doing. You need sleep which will help you think more clearly whether your partner gets up for work is not your responsibility right now you need to look after you and your baby. Like others have said you need to make appointment with gp about your concern with pnd I would advise bringing your partner to that appointment so he can understand what is going on for you and what he needs to do to support you and your baby. I had pnd and my gp insisted on meeting with my dh so he could chat to him about how i was feeling and what support I'd need and my dh felt that really helped.
I don't think there's much point having it out with your partner today about his going out until all hours it's not on and completely irresponsible and selfish but he's hungover today and will just get defensive.
Take one step at a time and your first step is to get some sleep you need to mind yourself it is still early days and you are still recovering from having a baby Flowers

Justaboy · 07/06/2019 08:42

Throwing up is part of growing up, so it is said.

He just needs to grow up sooner without the booze:(

Coronapop · 07/06/2019 08:42

Later when he has recovered and you are less angry, perhaps try talking to him about your expectations of his role as a father. Write down the list of behaviours that you want and go through each calmly and clearly explaining why. eg help with bathtime every evening/ look after baby after work for an hour while you have a bit of time to yourself; do whatever domestic task is needed in the evening (washing up?); do xyz to help with cleaning at the weekend; do the weekly shop etc etc. And very obviously get up and go to work every day. Be very assertive about his role as a father but try to focus on what you want him to do and take responsibility for. I suggest this as it is early days and it may be worth trying before giving up on him. At the end of the day he is the Dad so you have 18 years of dealing with him one way or the other.

Fifthtimelucky · 07/06/2019 08:43

Of course his behaviour is unreasonable, and of course his age doesn't excuse it, but I think it goes some way to explaining it.

He's in his early twenties. He wants to be able to go out with his friends and get drunk. He probably doesn't care too much about his job at this stage. He is, I imagine, feeling trapped. He hasn't yet developed the maturity to realise that he needs to set aside his wishes and become a responsible father and partner. I think it's probably too early to tell whether he ever will.

OP: Once he is up and no longer hungover, I suggest a calm honest conversation in which you both explain how you are feeling and what you want from the other, to see whether you have a future together. I also second the suggestion of a visit to your health visitor or GP to discuss PND.

UnicornBrexit · 07/06/2019 08:43

As others have said you are mixing two issues:

1.. Going out - Im in the YAVVU phoning him an hour later with the emotional blackmail to come home. I really couldn't be with someone who attempted to control me like that.

There will still be a chorus of 'oh he shouldn't go out' - fuck me! your life doesn't stop if you have kids. BUT you make sure you get to go out too, no one likes the smell of burning martyr, because I guarantee you'll merely counter the suggestion of going out with your mates with 'I cant leave the baby/I have no baby sitter/nothing to wear/EBF' or any other spurious reason. Don't use the old EmCS line either, I was out 10 days after at a charity function I had committed to beforehand.

2.. Not getting up for work. I presume he's in the building trade? Self employed? He's gonna have to make up those hours. Mind you it's pissing down today and everyone I know is rained off, and likely to be so next week too, looking at the forecast.

Do you mind me asking - are you financially dependent on him? That is far and away your biggest mistake.

If you really think you have PND - see the HV/GP before it escalates.

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