Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How do I stop being angry about this?

222 replies

upsetmum304 · 07/06/2019 07:20

I need some advice and for someone to say I'm not being really unreasonable. I'm so angry with my boyfriend at the moment and can't calm myself down and I feel I may do something I regret.

Last night he went out at 8pm for what he says was his works night out. He was picked up by a male friend who he works with that I've never met and don't know much about but that he seems to be spending quite a bit of time with recently.

I didnt think he would be out long as we have a newborn son and he has work today. I text him at half 9 to let him know that I've felt really down and lonely today (I think I may have PND).

I get a text at half 11 saying he will be home soon. Half 1 comes and he still isn't here. Then phone is switched off. I text his mum saying I'm worried, she contacts him also and gets nothing back at first until half 2 when he says he's alright and that he'll be home soon. He doesn't respond to my messages and I hear nothing from him until 3.25 where he says he is waiting for a taxi. Past 4am arrives and he finally arrives home. He's a drunken mess and crashes on the couch.

I've just heard his alarms go off for work and he's completely slept through them. I've woke him up and he's gone back to sleep.

What the fuck is going on? How do I calm down? I feel like I hate him for leaving me with my son who he knows has been very fussy and hard work recently. I'm sick of him being able to have a life and do whatever the fuck when he wants when I can't.

Where do I go from here? Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
upsetmum304 · 07/06/2019 07:51

@NameChangeNugget no I didn't push for a baby. Our son was completely unexpected but we decided we wanted him, it was a mutual decision

OP posts:
Boom45 · 07/06/2019 07:52

My DH and I had to have a "proper talk" about his social life after we had our first DC. I didn't want to stop him going out, or dictate to him what he could and couldn't do, I knew I'd be out and about again soon myself for a start (although that did take longer than i thought). However, I had 2 requests, he didn't "abandon" me at home with a newborn too regually, they're only tiny and totally dependant for a short time and its worth a small sacrifice from both of us. And also that if he was going out he told me when he'd be home and stuck to it. Fair enough if it was going to be a late one - i just wanted to know that in advance. It winds me the fuck up when he says he'll be back at 9 and rolls in at 3. I don't think he understood how isolating it is being at home with a tiny baby and how I used to aim my whole day at the point he got home to help/hold the baby while i showered/just talk to me!
All that said he never got so smashed he missed work.
Just go out today if you can and talk to him when he's sober. It might be that he won't change but it's worth finding that out, especially if you're struggling with PND right now.

PhillisPearce · 07/06/2019 07:52

Blimey, some of the advice is questionable, leave a baby with someone who's still drunk and can't even hear their alarm going off ?
Have a spa day ?
Just waiting for someone to suggest you get a cleaner...
Every sympathy for you upsetmum., it's hard enough looking after a baby when you have some support .

00Sassy · 07/06/2019 07:52

Why did you choose him as father for your child?

Comments like this when the child is here and she’s struggling (suspects pnd too) really aren’t helpful!

AnyFucker · 07/06/2019 07:54

He was like this before we had our son but I thought it would change once he had the responsibility of a little person to care for

Oh dear. And now you know that was a big mistake. Huge.

Original poster
upsetmum304 · 07/06/2019 07:54

I know I need to end this relationship as he won't change. Things will only get more difficult as time goes on Sad

I just don't know how to go about it. My head is spinning and I'm exhausted.

OP posts:
Drogosnextwife · 07/06/2019 07:55

Why did you choose him as father for your child

God what's the point of trotting this crap out on every thread about a man that doesn't do enough?

I'll clear it up for you just now. A lot of people dot realise how much their lives will change when they have a baby. A lot of people don't realise how they will feel after having a baby and a lot of people don't think their loves have to change after having a baby.

blushmelikeyou · 07/06/2019 07:55

OP don't make any rash decisions whilst your feeling so down at the minute.

Original poster
upsetmum304 · 07/06/2019 07:56

@blushmelikeyou this has sent me over the edge though combined with his complete and utter fucking uselessness.

OP posts:
Missingstreetlife · 07/06/2019 07:57

Don't talk to him drunk or hungover. If you think he's got a drink problem you should go to alanon, he to aa. If it's just(!) an attitude problem you need to seriously have some ground rules, maybe counselling. If he won't see sense yes leave, this is no fun. Ok once or twice a year but not regularly

MrsGrannyWeatherwax · 07/06/2019 07:58

If you’re this angry will you be able to sleep?

Might be worth trying to go to one of the mother and baby groups (if you have one), it can really help make you feel more supported for a few hours.

It’s completely normal to feel that loss of “normal” and resenting that partners seem to still have freedom etc. My husband still tells me how tired he is, or does a selfish drinking session BUT when I’m struggling I tell him that I need him at home.

Equally I went to live with my parents when baby was 5 weeks old, so I was fortunately able to do nothing than care for baby. If that’s an option, it really helps!

blushmelikeyou · 07/06/2019 07:58

Have you actually sat down and talked to him about how your feeling or what you expect from him?

NoSauce · 07/06/2019 07:59

How old is he?

Original poster
upsetmum304 · 07/06/2019 07:59

@blushmelikeyou I do tell him I need help with this and that. He has to be prompted all the time otherwise he just wouldn't do anything.

OP posts:
Drogosnextwife · 07/06/2019 08:00

OP if you feel you have to end it, that's what you should do. It might be beneficial to your mental health. You may not even have pnd, you may be feeling the way you do because you have a useless twat of a boyfriend. That's not to say you shouldn't go to the doctors and see.
After I had my second ds, dp had a pretty bad gambling habit that he hid until I found out I was pregnant. It was a stressful time and I thought I was going off my head. I was so angry all the time, I look back now and I feel so sad that that part of my life was ruined. In hindsight I should have gone to the doctors because it could have been partly due to pnd but tbh I think it was just the situation I was in.
If you want him to leave pack his stuff and tell him to go to his mums for a while.

Original poster
upsetmum304 · 07/06/2019 08:00

We are both early 20s. I really don't think age is an excuse for being a twat

OP posts:
Beechview · 07/06/2019 08:02

It’s a crap situation but don’t start thinking about everything right now. Take things step by step.
Plan your day today. What are you doing today? Try to get out for a bit if you can.
Make an appointment to see your health visitor and gp about

Talk to your partner later and tell him what you need from him and from this relationship. Make it clear that you feel the relationship is not working.
See what happens. Don’t get stressed about leaving right now. Look after yourself and your ds for now.

NoSauce · 07/06/2019 08:04

We are both early 20s. I really don't think age is an excuse for being a twat

I do. Some men aren’t ready for the responsibility of a baby and all that goes with it and he sounds like one of them. Can you go to your mums for a while? Get some support and let her head think?

number1wang · 07/06/2019 08:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Slicedpineapple · 07/06/2019 08:05

We are both early 20s. I really don't think age is an excuse for being a twat

I don't think age is an excuse but maturity comes in to it. My DH is in his mid 20s and I know people 10, 15 years older than him that are substantially less mature and unable to prioritise. His decision to end up in this state was incredibly immature, unfair, and irresponsible. I really would be having a chat with him to see if he can see this also - but not this morning.
If he doesn't apologise profusely or see it as an issue, that would concern me. If he does apologise but doesn't then step up, I would also be a bit concerned.

WitsEnding · 07/06/2019 08:06

If he cannot stop drinking once he starts, then he has a serious alcohol problem and I second the advice of pp to contact al-anon / AA. Some large employers have HR alcohol policies which make them more forgiving if the person is seeking help.

It seems unreasonable to have texted him that early, but if you knew he was going to go over the edge I can see why you did.

RedPink · 07/06/2019 08:08

I’m also curious how old you both are?

Sounds like a bad situation for you all.

RedPink · 07/06/2019 08:08

Sorry xpost

PregnantSea · 07/06/2019 08:09

The bar seems to be set very low for fathers! 5 week old baby at home, mum had EMCS and is now suffering from postnatal depression, but dad is totally fine to go out on a week night getting hammered until 4 in the morning, and not even call to say that he's going to be out so late and then miss work?

Bloody hell.

Wildorchidz · 07/06/2019 08:09

It's my own silly fault for having a child with an idiot.

You are not silly. Things happen. You are clear eyed enough to see how things are going to be and that is very positive.
When he has sobered enough and is able for a proper conversation put all your cards on the table up to and including the fact that you are quite prepared to go it alone.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.