How do I stop being angry about this?

[upsetmum304]

I need some advice and for someone to say I'm not being really unreasonable. I'm so angry with my boyfriend at the moment and can't calm myself down and I feel I may do something I regret.

Last night he went out at 8pm for what he says was his works night out. He was picked up by a male friend who he works with that I've never met and don't know much about but that he seems to be spending quite a bit of time with recently.

I didnt think he would be out long as we have a newborn son and he has work today. I text him at half 9 to let him know that I've felt really down and lonely today (I think I may have PND).

I get a text at half 11 saying he will be home soon. Half 1 comes and he still isn't here. Then phone is switched off. I text his mum saying I'm worried, she contacts him also and gets nothing back at first until half 2 when he says he's alright and that he'll be home soon. He doesn't respond to my messages and I hear nothing from him until 3.25 where he says he is waiting for a taxi. Past 4am arrives and he finally arrives home. He's a drunken mess and crashes on the couch.

I've just heard his alarms go off for work and he's completely slept through them. I've woke him up and he's gone back to sleep.

What the fuck is going on? How do I calm down? I feel like I hate him for leaving me with my son who he knows has been very fussy and hard work recently. I'm sick of him being able to have a life and do whatever the fuck when he wants when I can't.

Where do I go from here?

He did go to work. You really need to talk to him today OP unless you did it last night but your main priority should be going to the doctors if you have PND. Don't put it off any longer. Don't make any major life decisions until you have help with your PND.

Get this thread moved to relationships where you will get more appropriate advice.

He is a twat.

Don't go ending your relationship because your partner has gone out twice and got drunk! Does this happen more often than you have mentioned? Go and see you gp about your PND and when your bf has sobered up sit down and have a grown up chat. I felt like my whole life had changed when my daughter was born and my husband's carried on exactly the same as before, but he needed time to adjust also.

Can’t believe your mum said that.

Having a baby is hard and your hormones will be all over the place. I felt down after around a month of having my DS but it passed within a week or so. What made it worse was worrying that I might have PND. Try not to think the worst but the situation you’re in is obviously going to make things harder.

You really need to have a sit down with your partner and discuss each other’s feelings. There may be a reason he is acting like he has been. A night out would not be grounds to split up in my opinion but if you’re feeling like he’s not pulling his weight in general with the baby, there is certainly no excuse for that and you need to find out why he isn’t.

You need to distract yourself today and get out the house so when you see him tonight you see things clearer. If he’s a mature human being, you can have an adult conversation about what’s bothering you and him and hopefully move past it.

You poor thing you have really been through the mill.

Def ignore your mums comments it’s nonsense.

I’d try and focus on logistics and practical things and also the basics (sleeping washing and feeding yourself properly)

Prioritise. What is most important? Your mental health! So get your self a doctors appointment and then go and talk to your dp about his behaviour. He should be able to go out and make it as late as he wants BUT he should also be reachable at all times in case you need to speak to him re baby.

You need to also stop complaining 'never getting a moment for yourself'. You are the captain of your own ship. Tell him that next saturday you want the night to do something for yourself. And then go. You dont have to go for long or to go out and get drunk. But just to go out for a stroll. Sit on a bench in a park. Meet with a friend.
Or just any day really. It is both of you guys' kid! Let him parent his kid when he comes home from work so you can have a nice hot shower. Or go to the shop. Etc.
Let him now how you feel. And what you expect of him. Men usually tend to take a bit longer to adjust to new babies. It has only been 5 week. Give it time. And talk about it with him. Most importantly!

And make sure you create a network with other mums. They will all relate. And can help you. Virtually but also just in reality. With a nice hot coco. Or tea. Friends are so important!!

Im in the YAVVU phoning him an hour later with the emotional blackmail to come home.

Disagree.
Firstly, she's in the early stages with very young baby, needs a lot of support and is feeling down. She can call her partner to ask him to make it an early/short night if she wants. He was lucky/pushing it to be on a night out (for the second time that week).in the first place. That stage of baby rearinf is "batten the hatches time".

Secondly - seems like she partly did that because he had form for benders and she wax trying to get him home and circumvent one - which didn't work.

*rearing

Totally separate from the nrw baby issue;

If you work on a Friday, Thurs night is not the night for a bender. Fri or Sat is. That's pretty basic.

It's stupid, irresponsible behaviour - not even getting on to the fact that he's got a new ish baby at home.

And even more stupid given he'd already been late - even if he was a single young man, I'd find that idiotic and extremely frustrating behaviour.

Don't go ending your relationship because your partner has gone out twice and got drunk!

She said he had a history of benders, of not being able to 'stop' etc. RTFT.

Your mum is totally out of order, I would shut her down quickly and make sure she knows she can't get away with pulling shit like that
As for her telling you not to speak to her like that she is the one who started it...don't get in the playground with her!

So many posters here missing the point about how irresponsible the OP's DP's irresponsibility. He's late into work because he's hungover. That's very immature behaviour and, as a father now, he needs to shape up fast or he'll find himself jobless.

That's the real issue here. That and the fact that he isn't pulling his weight with regards to looking after his baby.

Moralitym1n1 I would love to sit and read all 200 posts on this thread but I have a life!! Go and belittle someone else!

Aveeno2017 I have a life too, but am able to skim read and read the OP's posts. You can set them to highlight, you know.

Aveeno what makes you think you have something useful to contribute if you can't be arsed to even skim the OP's posts? Why did you think your perspective would be helpful, since you don't actually understand the situation?

multi how do I highlight? My advice is just as valid as everybody else's! How is telling OP to leave her partner helpful? When I had our daughter it took my husband time to adjust, the OP s baby is 5 weeks old! She needs to have a good chat with her bf!

lots of young men are easily led to drink, and they can easily lose control.

There are people on here who will term you to accept your partner and father of your five week old, that he's entitled to go out, switch his phone off, crash through the door hammered at 4am, not go to work, not look after his baby and vomit copiously. I'm not one of them, it's disgusting behaviour, a night out with friends yes, this chaos no way. Also five weeks after a traumatic birth when you have told him you are struggling, you and the baby should be his priority.

Op I have been in a similar situation to you. It took DH quite a while to realise his social life, drinking and hobbies would have to take a backseat when we had dc. We were in our 30s when we had our first so weren’t young. It was at breaking point and when I left for my parents, it suddenly hit him what he would be losing. To his credit, he did really step up and things have been so much better for all of us.

I don’t think you should be making any decisions until you have a clear head. I remember the anger I used to feel every time DH went out. He would get so drunk and I knew he would be useless the next day. I was left holding the baby and I resented him.

Right now you’re in that anger and with pnd as well I think you need to take some time for yourself to relax.

Just forget about everything for the next couple of hours while your mil has ds.

Go take a bath and get some sleep. When you wake up go for a walk or just sit in the garden and get some fresh air. Listen to some calming music. Watch something on tv that makes you laugh. You need to relax and decompress. You’ll be in a better position to make a rational decision about what you want.

Obviously you need to have a proper discussion with your DH. You need to tell him exactly how you’re feeling and what more you need from him. Lay it all out. Some men just don’t get into gear unless they’re told to. Give him a timeframe in which you want things to change. Then it’s up to him if he steps up or not.

I know it’s easier said than done, but you really need to try and relax a bit before you blow. I’ve been there. It can all get very overwhelming, very fast.

OP, I’m really annoyed at the thought of that feckless manchild going on benders and literally leaving you holding the baby.

If I were you, I think I’d mentally disengage and gradually plan an escape route. If he improves in the meantime, you can review the plan. If not, you really don’t want to spend your life stuck with this selfish immature excuse for a man.

@StreetwiseHercules: Someone who can even think of doing that is a cunt who is very unlikely to change.

^^This