How do I stop being angry about this?

[upsetmum304]

I need some advice and for someone to say I'm not being really unreasonable. I'm so angry with my boyfriend at the moment and can't calm myself down and I feel I may do something I regret.

Last night he went out at 8pm for what he says was his works night out. He was picked up by a male friend who he works with that I've never met and don't know much about but that he seems to be spending quite a bit of time with recently.

I didnt think he would be out long as we have a newborn son and he has work today. I text him at half 9 to let him know that I've felt really down and lonely today (I think I may have PND).

I get a text at half 11 saying he will be home soon. Half 1 comes and he still isn't here. Then phone is switched off. I text his mum saying I'm worried, she contacts him also and gets nothing back at first until half 2 when he says he's alright and that he'll be home soon. He doesn't respond to my messages and I hear nothing from him until 3.25 where he says he is waiting for a taxi. Past 4am arrives and he finally arrives home. He's a drunken mess and crashes on the couch.

I've just heard his alarms go off for work and he's completely slept through them. I've woke him up and he's gone back to sleep.

What the fuck is going on? How do I calm down? I feel like I hate him for leaving me with my son who he knows has been very fussy and hard work recently. I'm sick of him being able to have a life and do whatever the fuck when he wants when I can't.

Where do I go from here?

Basically he wasn't prepared for starting a family. As a couple you had an unplanned pregnancy and both agreed to go ahead but he clearly hadn't a clue about what having a child was going to do to the way he lives his life. He's going out and getting pissed because of that I believe.

Do you think the OP did though? Does anyone actually understand fully what it’s like to be at the beck and call of a new baby for weeks on end with no respite? I know that I definitely didn’t, and both of mine were planned and prepared for. I’d bet he wasn’t the only one who got a shock, but he is the only one that people are prepared to find excuses for.

Who owns the house/whose name is the tenancy in? If yours tell him to leave. If his, tell him you’re leaving him and him go to your mums.

Do you think the OP did though? Does anyone actually understand fully what it’s like to be at the beck and call of a new baby for weeks on end with no respite? I know that I definitely didn’t, and both of mine were planned and prepared for. I’d bet he wasn’t the only one who got a shock, but he is the only one that people are prepared to find excuses for.

I'm not making excuses for his behavior, I am trying to explain it.

He is immature, so instead of living up to his responsibilities and facing head on the situation he finds himself in, he goes out and gets pissed to 'escape'. I never said it was right or reasonable what he did.

I hope you went & had a bath/shower & tried to rest, as whatever happens next, you have to look after the baby again in a few hours.
I would try & be completely calm, cold, & truthful.
Say neither of you signed up for parenthood at the stage it arrived, but you both decided to go ahead, being a parent is now his status, not a drunk, drug taking loser. If he doesn't like it, he can leave. At the moment he is worse than useless & is adding to the stress.
So grow up fast or there's the door, close it as you leave

Just to get some context, I might have missed this detail, but you have a 5 week old baby and this man who is your BF is not the father?

@maybesigourneyweaver what does this face mean?

Oh my, he is the father reading down. Very irresponsible of him. Not that if he wasn't it would make much difference. But I would make a little more sense that he's very "whatever" about this.
Definitely have a chat when you are a little calmer and hes in a better place. He will definitely have some post drinking anxiety and regret.

It means... "hmmm"

The bar seems to be set very low for fathers! 5 week old baby at home, mum had EMCS and is now suffering from postnatal depression, but dad is totally fine to go out on a week night getting hammered until 4 in the morning, and not even call to say that he's going to be out so late and then miss work?

Bloody hell.

Yup. Pretty much what I was thinking. Plus, she's 'unreasonable' for telling him that she is struggling, as she might ruin his night out.

Update - even more angry now. Got a text from mum saying I must like getting rid of DS because he's been with his nan for a few hours.

Your mum? That’s shocking, OP, I’m so sorry.

. I’m sorry Op. you’re mum doesnt sound supportive. Do you think she is jealous that the other granny has your baby rather than her?

Your mum is having a dig ? Why ?

You could always take that as an opportunity to not go out later - say you've realised need to stay in with DS. Then you can avoid the entire family party issue.

Did you mean 'him' instead of 'mum'? Neither is good, but at least if it were a text from him you would be fighting one person not two.

The text was from my mum. Had a text from him apologising.

I'm still fuming though and don't want to speak to him

I can't actually believe she even said it. God forbid I have a couple hours to myself having some rest and a shower

What’s the history with your Mum? Why would she be unpleasant to you like this? Does she have form for that? Was she against you keeping the baby?

Is your mum jealous of your relationship with his mum? What a bithy thing

OP please think about going to the GP about your pnd. It will be hard to make a decision about your relationship with your head in a haze of depression.

Sorry re your Mum, I hope you gave har a mouthful ? I mean, if she is jealous. She could come & hold the baby while you do a few basic things. Stupid hurtful comment
& your partner now says sorry. Until next time. I would tell him the next time is the last .. & mean it.

@GraceSlicksRabbit we haven't had a good relationship to say the least. I do think she is jealous of my relationship with my partners mum. We've always been very close and I confide in her a lot.

@Mix56 I certainly did give her a mouthful. She told me not to speak to her again and that she won't lose sleep over it

I think you already are have enough on your plate, brand new baby, PND, & a pitiful partner, forget your mother at this stage, she sounds like she is immature & is only thinking of herself.
Choose your battles.

She is not important at this point, you can see if you want to waste any further tears over her later.

As a dad, I think it is fucking shameful for a dad of a new born to be out getting smashed until 4am and then lying around hungover to hell, not going to work, and not helping.

When it’s 5 weeks after an emergency Caesarian then it’s even worse.

Someone who can even think of doing that is a cunt who is very unlikely to change.

Dear OP - your own comments are infinitely more sensible than some of the idiotic posts on this thread. AIBU is...well it is what it is. No one should post there if they are upset. Your partner's behaviour is disgusting. You are absolutely right - you and your baby deserve much better. I would take prompt action now and get rid of him. He isn't going to change. I'm sorry your mum is so horrible. My was the same, but no contact works well for me. Keep listening to yourself - your instincts are good, so don't be talked out of them. What are your living circumstances? Can you kick him out? If he does decide to step up and stop being an arsehole, you can deal with him from a distance and not have him creating havoc in your home when you have a tiny baby.