How do I stop being angry about this?

[upsetmum304]

I need some advice and for someone to say I'm not being really unreasonable. I'm so angry with my boyfriend at the moment and can't calm myself down and I feel I may do something I regret.

Last night he went out at 8pm for what he says was his works night out. He was picked up by a male friend who he works with that I've never met and don't know much about but that he seems to be spending quite a bit of time with recently.

I didnt think he would be out long as we have a newborn son and he has work today. I text him at half 9 to let him know that I've felt really down and lonely today (I think I may have PND).

I get a text at half 11 saying he will be home soon. Half 1 comes and he still isn't here. Then phone is switched off. I text his mum saying I'm worried, she contacts him also and gets nothing back at first until half 2 when he says he's alright and that he'll be home soon. He doesn't respond to my messages and I hear nothing from him until 3.25 where he says he is waiting for a taxi. Past 4am arrives and he finally arrives home. He's a drunken mess and crashes on the couch.

I've just heard his alarms go off for work and he's completely slept through them. I've woke him up and he's gone back to sleep.

What the fuck is going on? How do I calm down? I feel like I hate him for leaving me with my son who he knows has been very fussy and hard work recently. I'm sick of him being able to have a life and do whatever the fuck when he wants when I can't.

Where do I go from here?

Oh definitely timeisnotaline my OH is looking forward to it! He can’t wait for the baby to arrive.

We’ve been married a few years and are older then OP, plus this was a planned pregnancy. I don’t think any of those factors excuse OP’s BFs behaviour at all, I guess I’m hoping that maybe he is simply having a bit of a crisis and that in the long term he’ll shake off any insecurities and step up to the plate.

I think there are two semi separate issues here.

It’s ok for mums and dads to go out in the evening sometimes, have a drink & deal with any consequences that may arise. Your opportunities are fewer or non existent right now but they will return. On its own, this isn’t, IMO a reason to conclude he is a terrible dad and to leave him.

However, other issues you raise about his parenting and partnership with you are potentially not ok. Before quitting the relationship, I think you should gather your thoughts on these issues, discuss them with him and agree what changes need to be made. Then see how things evolve over the next couple of months. You are still post natal so likely to be very tired and hormones are likely to be all over the place so it is quite understandable to be feeling the way you are.

He is sick to death of colleagues telling him his life will be over as soon as the baby arrives.

It’s just people engaging their mouths before their brains to make noise- same as people say “oh, wave goodbye to sleep for the next 5 years ho ho”. If someone actually says that and means it they are being outstandingly rude. And most of those throwaway comments are usually followed by “but it’s the most amazing thing you will ever do” or something similar. He has chosen not to hear that but, or to listen only to twatty young drinking colleagues and not older ones with families of their own.

It's make or break. If he isn't helping you now he isn't to be depended on. I think I'd speak to his mum, he's acting like a child, I'd explain to her that this situation isn't one you can continue with. It's totally disrespectful. When in a relationship have the decency to get home at a decent time so your other half and baby can get some sleep, let your other half know you are ok and you both have a new baby not one of you so he should be taking that into account. Not being able to get ready for work because you are so drunk isn't normal. But I wouldn't blame this new friend, he's a grown man and needs to act like one. I think it's time to ask him to leave. He needs to know how serious you are. If he goes away and decideds he can be more respectful than ok, otherwise it was never going to work anyway, you can't be expected to put up with that. Life changes when you have a baby, he needs to step up and realise that. You need calm time with baby.

OP I am absolutely with you on everything bùt the text.

I can remember Exdh when ds1 was born , now granted he didn't go out drinking but he was completely useless and couldn't seem to do a thing without prompting. I can remember sitting up one night realising this baby rearing lark that I thought was going to be a two person thing that we were a partnership wasn't going to be like that and I was effectively on my own and needing to run everything. I sobbed and sobbed and then grew a spine of steel (I'm not suggesting you just accept it ,I'm more describing my response ...id been quite laid back with him until that night and then afterwards held him to account )

You absolutely do deserve better. Parenthood comes with responsibility like it or not. Once the baby is out he doesn't get to revert to being a teenager.

My Exdh took 4 years and another ds (glad it happened that way as I'd never be without ds2 but make no mistake it was extremely hard) before he finally lost his family and got the clue far far too late. I warned him over and over and eventually he looked up one day so to speak and he had lost us.

He says himself he will have to live with that the rest of his life.

Whatever you decide you are right you and the baby deserve it . To my mind demand it or walk away.

The only thing I do disagree with is the text was absolutely emotional blackmail whether you meant it or not. I absolutely understand ...you shouldn't have had to text him as he should have been there helping but be honest with yourself , it was an emotional play and honestly it's a more mature response to state what you want outright....texting that you want him home and you feel you need support is one thing but landing a passive aggressive text on him when he is out and you've initially agreed (as you say you text him early before he disappeared )

However the rest of it...completely and utterly he is an idiot.

Good luck OP I will never forget that night I realised Exdh wasn't going to step up to the parenting bar and it was both devastating and it also made me the steel spined person I am today (although granted it took a while for me to get there fully )

I think there is a chance for people like this to change. My dp was an unemployed alcoholic when our DD was born, she's 2 and a half now and he rarely drinks and has a very good job. I think you can tell if someone is going to take responsibility though, if he can't see he's in the wrong then I don't think there's any hope.

If it's good for the goose then it's good for the gander. In this case it only seems like he gets down time and to do what he wants. Going awol until the early hours, being excessively drunk and missing work / being late aren't acceptable. Confused about why people think the staying out and you being exhausted with the baby are different issues. They are one and the same. He could have suggested you have a bath, watch a film, made you dinner last night and he care for baby. Instead he got wrecked. I think it's reasonable that you're angry -it's hardly as if it was 2 cheeky pints with a friend and a catch up. It's interesting that people don't understand PND can be exacerbated stem from poor support and tiredness. Why stay awake to make sure he goes to work, l would leave him to get on with it. Ignore the people saying you're demanding or unreasonable. They have poor self esteem and don't know what grown up mutually supportive relationships are

go for a spa day

Some men aren’t ready for the responsibility

Why did you choose him as father for your child?

Sometimes I think I've stumbled into pistonheads instead of a woman centred forum.

A drunken waster doing this a couple of times a week, sometimes ot the extent he needs to be herded to work like a recalcitrant 14 yr old is a drunken waster not a "poor helpless wee manbeing".

OP: This is the most important thing as it gives you more choices:

I am not financially dependent on him either

See your GP about PND but its also possible you are simply exhausted and when exhausted the extra load of having to manage an arsehole seems overwhelming. If DGPs are supportive can they give you enough of a break to get some sleep and feel a bit more rested to make a clear headed decision on this relationship?

Struggling new Mum with 5 week old asks partner not to be too late home and gets accused of emotional blackmail and being controlling...

WTAF?

Of course if that's how @unicorn wants to exist thats fine.

But not in my world.

I wouldn't do anything hasty op. Perhaps things can be discussed calmly and changed. But I'd be mentally planning for the other scenario. Because there no way I'd be sharing my life with this man.

How much do you think he is spending on getting shit faced, doing coke, poker playing ? Can you see his bank account ?
I would tell him to leave. Which might give him the incentive to
stop, but basically he is enjoying being a "single" man, he doesn't love or respect you at all.

Fucking hell some women on here set the bar so low there's barely air between it and the floor.

This is completely unacceptable behaviour. He has a child. It doesn't matter why he's behaving like a complete bell end, the fact is that he's badly letting the OP and his child down.

Kick him out.

All these people saying it's alright for a dad to have a night out when their baby is 5 WEEKS old and their partner has PND- can i ask if your partner got blind drunk in their first weeks of parenthood? If, so you have low standards.

His family should be his priority right now. Pulling his weight in childcare, house work (and doing more than usual since it's OP recovering from labour not him) is his priority. Unless it's an important wedding, the nights out can wait a couple months until after the newborn stage.

OP you're not wrong...he shouldn't have gone out in the first place imo except for a quick one.

And all those people saying why did you have a baby with this guy, why did you text his mum, why did you text him, can fuck off too. Totally not helpful

OP has said he was like this before the baby came along.

Most people wouldn't have stood for it then.

Quite rightly she is not going to put up with it any more.

OP you'd be better off as s single mum. Only one child to worry about then.

He doesn't sound like much cop. He clearly has no intention of behaving like an adult and rising to the challenge of fatherhood.
Going out and getting steaming twice a week is way too much and he will get the sack from work if he carries on like this.
When you have a family you don't behave like this.
Was this baby planned?

It’s not fair or on with a newborn baby. Can you imagine if the sexes were reversed and a man came on saying he’d been left with the 5-week-old whilst mum went out, went off grid and came in hammered at 4am after saying she’d be back at 11.30. That she then wouldn’t get up in the morning leaving him to care for their baby and miss work, that this was her second drunken night out in a short space and she was able to get on with life, go out and about as she pleased whilst he was left holding the baby. I don’t think anybody would stick up for her or call it normal behaviour.

OP I really feel for you. Unfortunately I think there is a widespread problem with a baby only seen as affecting the woman’s life and parenting being optional for men, even in relationships. I DO think men can change though. My own DH had some pretty crappy attitudes before I made him see sense and made him realise how grossly unfair it is for one person to maintain total freedom whilst the baby is the seen as the sole responsibility of the other parent, despite both of you being equally parents.

@OrchidInTheSun sum it up perfectly!
Also this crap about having time to go out yourself or have a spa day - what a load of rubbish.
When you just have a lo and are suffering with PND, you want support, rest and a partner who will give you comfort not to go out parting and doing what they did e.g getting drunk with friends.

My dp didn't do this but we both did have time where we struggle to communicate from when lo was one month to 4 months. Hopefully you can find some threads where others are having a difficult transition time too. It is quite common for emotion to be high during this period, and from what you said it seems he doesn't understand how your feel and is acting as if everything can be the same.
People will tell you that going out is normal which it is but it depends on communication and respect.

@movingwiththelightson totally this. I’m sure if OP had done what her boyfriend did it would be widespread condemnation about her being a disgrace, selfish, phone social services etc etc. But some are justifying it because a man did it

Has he driven to work? Hopefully not as he’ll still be over the limit..........

I was thinking the same thing.

Op stand up for yourself and your baby, he needs to grow up or fuck off.

Poor you

Something similar happened to me and an lot of other women I know. What your boyfriend and my dp did was very selfish and thoughtless I exploded but I really wish I'd waited to speak to my dp about it until I'd calmed down.

Your DMIL has taken the baby so you can rest. Do that. Get off MN, make an appointment with your HV or GP, run a bath and then go to sleep.
You can deal with your DH later. Preferably after you've spoken to the HV or your GP about your possible PND.
Your DP has behaved badly but its not recommended to make big life-changing decisions when you're depressed.

It's a lonely place being with a man like this. You're at a crisis point now and so feel emotionally fragile but crisis points pass. Your real problem is that this is a repeating pattern and if you want this not to happen again, something has to give. It could be you leaving or maybe he could consider his alcohol dependency? I hope that you have some family support.

Getting in at 4am I'd suspect he was using cocaine.

Get rid of him OP

I can't believe the amount of people on this thread who are minimising what OP's partner's behaviour.

For a start, if you go out on a bender, get wasted and miss work the next morning because of it then you have a problematic relationship with alcohol. Getting wasted on a week night is NOT normal. Going missing and coming in at 4am is NOT normal. Even if it wasn't a weeknight, this kind of binge drinking is NOT normal. It's problem behaviour. I cannot believe sometimes how frighteningly, disgustingly normalised UK drinking culture is.

Doing it with a newborn in the house and leaving a partner who's struggling is just beyond sickening. It's disgusting behaviour and it speaks of someone who is not in control of themselves. Honestly, I'd be massively rethinking whether I wanted my child to grow up around someone like this. OP, I think you have every right to be angry.

I would point out that if he's missing work due to drinking then he has a drink problem and that he can either get help for his alcohol issues and sort his shit out or he can be single.

@GabriellaMontez

Life doesn’t end because you have a child and yes it is emotional blackmail to wait until someone goes out for a night out and then say how upset you are and try to ruin there night.

He is entitled to a life as well and so what he’s gone out and had to much to drink.

Just because you have a baby all of a sudden your not allowed out? Or to do things.

Iv had 2 babies, I know what the early days are like and I still wouldn’t get cross if my partner wanted to go out and then ended up enjoying his night so stayed out later then planned.

And no I wouldn’t be worried if he said he was going to come home at X time but didn’t arrive. He’s a grown man and will come back when he wants, same as I do on a night out.