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Original poster

How do I stop being angry about this?

222 replies

upsetmum304 · 07/06/2019 07:20

I need some advice and for someone to say I'm not being really unreasonable. I'm so angry with my boyfriend at the moment and can't calm myself down and I feel I may do something I regret.

Last night he went out at 8pm for what he says was his works night out. He was picked up by a male friend who he works with that I've never met and don't know much about but that he seems to be spending quite a bit of time with recently.

I didnt think he would be out long as we have a newborn son and he has work today. I text him at half 9 to let him know that I've felt really down and lonely today (I think I may have PND).

I get a text at half 11 saying he will be home soon. Half 1 comes and he still isn't here. Then phone is switched off. I text his mum saying I'm worried, she contacts him also and gets nothing back at first until half 2 when he says he's alright and that he'll be home soon. He doesn't respond to my messages and I hear nothing from him until 3.25 where he says he is waiting for a taxi. Past 4am arrives and he finally arrives home. He's a drunken mess and crashes on the couch.

I've just heard his alarms go off for work and he's completely slept through them. I've woke him up and he's gone back to sleep.

What the fuck is going on? How do I calm down? I feel like I hate him for leaving me with my son who he knows has been very fussy and hard work recently. I'm sick of him being able to have a life and do whatever the fuck when he wants when I can't.

Where do I go from here? Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
upsetmum304 · 07/06/2019 08:43

I feel so sad for my son that he has such a useless father. He deserves better, as do I.

OP posts:
Brazenhussy0 · 07/06/2019 08:44

Christ, you shouldn’t have to be trying to make him go for a bloody shower. He needs to grow up sharpish and take some responsibility.

The pp who said to call his Mum might be onto a good idea there. If he wants to behave like a child, treat him like one.
Call up his Mum, explain what happened and that you absolutely cannot deal with this nonsense from him when you have a tiny baby to prioritise.
Hopefully she’s a reasonable person and can help you deal with him.

Original poster
upsetmum304 · 07/06/2019 08:45

@UnicornBrexit it wasn't emotional blackmail. I hadn't seen or spoken to him all day hardly and was just letting him know id been upset that day.

No he isn't in the building trade he works in financial services. I am not financially dependent on him either.

OP posts:
CassianAndor · 07/06/2019 08:47

What a tosser. Can't believe the excusing going on here.

Notabedofroses · 07/06/2019 08:47

Christ, well if you don't need him financially or otherwise then there is no way I would be putting up with his behaviour. Why would you? It will be (much) easier and calmer raising your son on your own, then dealing with this every week.

Original poster
upsetmum304 · 07/06/2019 08:48

His mum is coming to pick up DS this morning for a couple of hours whilst I sleep. She's knows how exhausted I am

OP posts:
BellatrixLeStrangest · 07/06/2019 08:48

I'm confused as to why people are banging on about you not being married to this man before having kids? What's that got to do with whether he'll be a good father or not? I got pregnant very quickly after meeting my now Dfiance and he's been a great father to both our kids. I struggle to see how marrying someone determines whether or not they'll be a good father.

OP you shouldn't be dealing with this nonsense at all. He sounds like an overgrown man child who needs to give his head a wobble. I'd wait until he's sobered up and tell him exactly what's going to happen if he doesn't shape himself. He's going to get himself fired if he's not careful.

BlooDeBloop · 07/06/2019 08:48

OP, you are right to be angry. Let yourself BE ANGRY.

It seems, reading between the lines, you have not expressed yourself well in the past. OH's behaviour is just the most recent example. You absolutely must start expressing your needs to OH.

Even today, you're trying to pick him up and get him to work: this IS NOT your responsibility. YOU are worrying for him. Is he worrying for himself?

Newborns are great teachers. Your time is now divided. You can no longer pick up the emotional pieces of your relationship because there is a needier little person. You are being told to refocus, reassess your life. No longer will you have the option to 'stop being angry' and sucking it up.

grace7 · 07/06/2019 08:50

There is a difference in going out to enjoy some drinks with your friends and coming in at 4am, mindlessly drunk and throwing up.

The latter is unreasonable, especially keeping in mind you have a new baby. He should have at least let you know, out of respect if anything.

Original poster
upsetmum304 · 07/06/2019 08:51

I believe there may be something deeper happening with him. Every morning he will give DS a kiss before he leaves for work.

Not this morning. Perhaps I'm overthinking it

OP posts:
AngeloMysterioso · 07/06/2019 08:51

How long have you been together OP?

Original poster
upsetmum304 · 07/06/2019 08:51

@AngeloMysterioso 4 yrs

OP posts:
curiositycreature · 07/06/2019 08:52

I think Durla and Notabedofroses have given some good advice then. I think you need time to calm down and tackle your relationship when you have a bit more strength. Perhaps just make it very clear to him that you don’t find his behaviour acceptable and you won’t be accepting it again.

Do you have someone you can call today? A close family member or friend?

PennyB40 · 07/06/2019 08:53

Am with notabedofroses on this one.
This is a man who isn’t to be relied upon when you’re going through a tough time, not a naughty toddler. You need a partner, not a project.
Am sure the cool posters on here who are all it’s just a night out, would have the most to say about a mother who dumped the baby and all the shit work on her struggling partner to hammer it on on the piss a couple of times a week with her mates.
He’s an arsehole, he’s knows you’re struggling, he has a newborn, but doesn’t give enough of a shit to give you any support.
If he’s like this when the going gets tough, what’s he going to be like when the next curveball life throws at you.
Look after yourself and your baby OP Flowers

curiositycreature · 07/06/2019 08:54

I believe there may be something deeper happening with him.

We are expecting and DH works in a very manly environment. He is sick to death of colleagues telling him his life will be over as soon as the baby arrives. It may be that your BF has had similar comments made to him and he’s decided to freak out about it. He may be trying to fight it. Overcompensating.

Didntwanttochangemyname · 07/06/2019 09:01

He sounds like an utter dickhead OP, I'm so sorry

Mummyshark2018 · 07/06/2019 09:04

It sounds like he was too young, too immature and not ready for parenthood. However the baby is here now and he needs to step up. If it was a one off to blow off steam then I would be ok with it but not if it was a regular occurrence.
Have you discussed this behaviour with him before?

omione · 07/06/2019 09:06

How long were you together before you got pregnant ?

Marnie76 · 07/06/2019 09:08

Has he driven to work? Hopefully not as he’ll still be over the limit.

Pinkvoid · 07/06/2019 09:08

Women don’t always have the opportunity to go out in the way OP’s OH is 5 weeks after giving birth. If breastfeeding it’s not really an option and many women don’t even want to leave their newborn which is normal so it’s not fair to say OP could go out and do the same.

Your OH is being a selfish prick imo. This wasn’t a one off, he’s doing it regularly and it only started just before your baby was born. Sounds as though he’s avoiding his new responsibility. You need to have stern words and if nothing changes, consider leaving.

timeisnotaline · 07/06/2019 09:09

He is sick to death of colleagues telling him his life will be over as soon as the baby arrives.
Well it should be for a while no? Two parents have a baby, the one who works goes home to his family in the evenings to contribute to looking after wife and newborn? I don’t get the logic that says you can go out whenever because you didn’t push the baby out and you have a wife at home.

LemonTT · 07/06/2019 09:15

Time to face up to the reality of who he is. You made a mistake in thinking an irresponsible person would change when challenged with responsibility. They don’t, they flake out more.

It was a mistake to believe it, but you child isn’t a mistake and your life isn’t a mistake. Continuing to stay with him is a mistake.

GraceSlicksRabbit · 07/06/2019 09:17

I’m confused why you contacted his Mum in the middle of the night. Did you really think she’d have any idea where he was? Sounds from your update like she’s a lovely supportive Gran though, which is great. Are your own parents also involved?

Your boyfriend is clearly an immature twat who is utterly petrified of having a baby and being an adult. To be brutally honest, that’s not especially surprising in a bloke in his early 20s with an unplanned pregnancy. No way on earth would I have been emotionally mature enough to parent a child in my early 20s.

You are in the same position as him and doing fantastically well to adapt to motherhood. Hopefully his Mum can kick his arse for you but you might need to face up to doing this alone and looking to him for money only.

PeoniesarePink · 07/06/2019 09:17

Going off grid like that when you have a newborn baby is disgusting behaviour.

Don't do it today, you're too tired and angry but over the weekend, I'd sit him down and say this isn't working for you. You need more than he seems to be able to give and things either change or you walk away. Give him a chance to correct it - he will either try, or carry on regardless. Then at least you know your place in his life.

Don't get too stressed today, the newborn stage is so so hard but it also passes really quickly - have lots of cuddles with your baby and try to enjoy them Flowers

GraceSlicksRabbit · 07/06/2019 09:18

Oh and I’d say don’t try to stop being angry- let him feel the full force of how disgusted you are and shock him into sorting himself out.

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