DS and GF neglecting baby, AIBU to be so upset with it?

[WeepsForScares]

To be at the end of my tether with DS and GF?

DS is 18 and his girlfriend (will call S) 17. A year ago S ended up pregnant by DS at a party. It was the first time they'd met but after sleeping together they pursued a relationship until 8 weeks later when S discovered she was pregnant. S told him she reckoned it was her ex's and was getting rid and that she was dumping him as she had too much going on. Then a few weeks later S came back and said that the pre abortion scan showed that she wasn't far along enough for it to be her ex's making it my son's so she hadn't gone through with it as she liked my son.

I was concerned and told my DS to keep lines of communication open with her over baby but not to get back with her as he said she had a reputation among local teens to be a bit "mad". But he did get back with her almost immedietley. At 20 weeks PG she requested I come to scan with her and DS. I found it a bit strange but assumed that with her being so young and not having a mum (died years ago) that she wanted a motherly figure there. After scan we all went home to mine where the pair sat me down and asked if she could stay with us for a while as her dad wasn't taking the pregnancy well and she didn't want to stay there.

I agreed expecting it to be a couple of weeks at most. I assumed her father would attempt to build bridges and take her home which he never did. I didn't want to kick out a pregnant 16 year old so that was it, she was living with us. DGD was born beginning of March. Straight away S started struggling and I hate to say it but DS was useless. 1 week old and I'm at home with distressed S trying to calm a screaming baby at 3am and DS has snuck off to smoke weed with god knows who. It's been like this ever since and they keep splitting up and getting back together but she still stays under my roof. This past month S has started going out with friends again till all hours and as I'm not her mother I'm powerless to stop her. Meanwhile DS will be out no doubt buying and smoking weird and shagging random girls. And I'm at home changing their baby's nappies. Don't get me wrong I adore DGD but I really do despair.

It has all come to a head this Saturday evening. DS was at a party in town and S had gone out to see a mate in another city (she'd got the train out!) and I was at home with DGD. DGD had been ill all day with cold like symptoms and worsened at midnight when I noticed a rash. I was concerned about meningitis and couldn't get hold of either of them. I ended up driving her to hospital and only got a call from S at 3am. She got her friend's mum to drive her up to hospital. DS I didn't hear from until 8am as he'd been on a bender and I had to leave S with baby while I went to collect him. Thank god DGD didn't have meningits but a minor illness and was kept in until Monday morning.

After DGD was discharged I told the pair of them they need to sort themselves out or I'd be making a referal to social services. I got verbal abuse from the pair, I never intended to ring SS but wanted to give them a shock so they'd improve. Then a few hours later I got a call on the home phone from a social worker saying a nurse had a few concerns about how DGD's parents didn't turn up for hours when I took her in and how stressed I was. She's coming round Wednesday for a "chat" to discuess offering support and the pair think I arranged it and I'm getting screaming from the pair of them. And yet S still dumps DGD on me all the time because she can't give her the antibiotic medicine she was given from hospital.

I am at my wits end. I feel so so awful saying it but I wish they'd both fuck off and leave DGD with me. They treat each other like shit. They treat me like shit. They neglect their little girl. I don't know what to do. I love DS and I care about S but I am so sick of this. They act like it's their shared home and I'm just an interferring old cow who lives there. And I do all of the nuturing for DGD. I have an 11 year old DD who is being neglected as I have to look out for as and DS as well as almost constant baby care. She confided that she wants to start spending more time at her dad's as "S has made this house living hell"

OP you poor thing! I’m not surprised you are angry, they are taking a lens of you and their immaturity is showing through. When SS meet them they will explain their concerns. I really feel for you all, take heart you are doing the right thing & im pleased SS have picked up on it- don’t paper over any cracks for all of your sakes & we’ll do e you for being the backbone here, sending strength

OP this is awful. For you and the baby.
Screw the both of them. You owe them nothing.
When SS come tell them absolutely everything.
Don't sugar coat it. Don't try and make a 'good day' normal. Just open up. Tell the SW you want this to end. That this is not sustainable and that the parents are unfit.

To be honest, it sounds like it's a good thing social services are involved. You're doing your best, but you're not the parent.

They're not fit parents. Do they think they're fit parents? They don't seem to give a shit. They sound like they were annoyed about you calling SS because they feel you did it to spite them, not because they're outraged at the very suggestion that they might lack parenting skills.

I'd say you have an obligation to involve SS as the parents of the child are incapable and you are the de facto parent in terms of who cares for the baby and you need support to do that.

Also OP I'd inform SS that you're going to evict both of them. Would you be willing to house the baby if necessary?

But you should absolutely kick both of them out.

I agree that it's probably just as well social services are involved now. It can't go on as it is and you need some support.

You need to tell SS everything; the baby needs to be with you and far away from her fuck up parents (as horrible as it is to hear about your own child).

Maybe one day they will be ready to parent, but right now that poor little girl needs a better environment, and you need to do the hard thing to provide it.

My first ever .

firstly don't judge a young 16 year old by opinions of other kids. Secondly your son isn't exactly innocent here going by the way you are describing him.

The girl needs more support and I think she needs a chance not be called an unfit mother. She has no mother and her dad doesn't want to know. her boyfriend has dumped her to be a single parent. Hard as it is work on your own son and let the professionals give her the chance she needs to be a mother.

Oh OP, that's so hard for you. You sound lovely, I hope SS help you to care for your lovely DGD.

yabu to feel upset by the situation.

You need to get them out of your house asap. Not in a few month's time, they need to start making real plans right now to be out in a matter of days.

This situation has snowballed because you've been there picking up the slack. Why would they bother about the baby or sorting their own housing when mum will just sort everything for them?

It's tough love time OP. The baby needs stability and you need your house back.

@LilQueenie the mother is negligent. She is a terrible mother. The OP is not basing that on hearsay. She's basing it on what she is having to live with.

And I haven't seen her make any excuses for her son. She has ripped into him equally.

They are both adults now. They've both brought a child into the world so the excuses stop.

sS needs to be involved. The teens either need to step up and parent or the baby needs to be formally placed in alternate care. That might be with you if you are so inclined, but unless you are the guardian, you shouldn’t be doing more than helping out occasionally so they can go to school or work when child care isn’t available.

Agree that op is blaming her son just as much as the babies mother. My friend struggled as a new mother, but she severely neglected her son. I’ll never forgive myself for not truly seeing it and doing something. Please be honest with SS your GD deserves that at least

OP ask the social worker for a private word and tell them you want the baby and seek custody of her. Explain why.

Then kick the pair of them out once it's all in motion. Social Services encourage in-family fostering/adoption as it's less stress for them and all babies are better with relatives.

I do sympathise with you and you're doing an amazing job.

When SS come, say nothing unless directed at you. Hopefully the SW will be concerned with the baby's parents and their focuses and issues rather than yours. Do you want the baby? As in if they were deemed unfit parents in either this living situation or another one they may or may not end up in? Because SS may look to you as the 'go to' if so.
It sounds awful and a complete nightmare. I feel for you. What would happen if you said 'no' to having DGD or didn't get up with her at night or didn't provide meds etc? Would they sigh, shout and then get on with it? Or would they do nothing?

Time for tough love or as I am thinking, time to put your head before your heart. These people are parents. They're not doing their job. You need to be unemotional toward them.
thinks you'll end up with the baby tbh

I hope this isn't a drip feed but a few more things. DS hasn't stayed at his dad's for years, though DD always goes at weekend. DH has been good and told me to send DS, S and baby to his for a while but DD11 got very distressed by that suggestion as she feels that all the concern over baby in my house has pushed her out. She enjoys going to her dad's as it's only him and her there and I think she feels like if DS, S and baby went there she'd "lose" both of us. DS and S ended up refusing to go anyways. DD often hides baby's things, last week I couldn't find her coat and later on discovered it while making DD's bed.

I know one of them needs to go. Their issues with each other are damaging their abiliities to care for baby. They need to split up, get their heads straight and then be civil and coparent while living apart. But S literally has nowhere to go and DS refuses to go which is why they get back together because it's easier doing that and leeching off me than dealing with arranging living accomodation for one of then and what would happen to DGD. I would look after DGD in a heartbeat but it's all one big bloody mess.

*Ex DH. We're still married but not together, whole other story.

Think about them coming home, packing their bags and taking your grand-daughter with them, moving out to ?friends, ?flat, ?Dad's.... to me that would strike fear in my heart for the wellbeing of that baby. If it does to you - then welcome SS in, be open, say they do little parenting of this baby, they are unreliable, uncontactable, and don't put her interests first.

Ask yourself what is in your DGD's best interests? Staying with you (possibly dealing with them trying again and again to parent) or going into foster care, parents living elsewhere with SS support? None may be the best option (loving parents, stable home), but from where you are now, with what you know about parents, what is going to be the best outcome for the baby (and your own family)? Try and work with SS towards that best outcome.

contraceptionismyfriend but not to get back with her as he said she had a reputation among local teens to be a bit "mad".

that is based on hearsay.

Yes they need to step up but why not try to help. If it was an adult there would be a little more sympathy and help. PND can manifest itself in different ways and perhaps there is a little more to it. Why not sit down and discuss why the behaviour is taking place. hopefully this is what ss will do rather than cut them off completely.

Good God OP this sounds absolutely horrendous. It's easy to say "throw them out*, but real life is not that simple and I'm not sure I could. As regards the involvement of SS, the timing is perhaps a bit unfortunate after your comment to DS and S, but so what? Something needs to happen to give them a dose of reality and perhaps this is it.

I really hope that the SW is clear with them about the fact that they are neglecting the baby, and what the consequences of that could be.

You sound like you're doing a great job in impossible circumstances and they are lucky to have you.

I tried to get S to go to doctors for advice and support soon after DGD was born as it was clear she wasn't coping but she never would and told me it was none lf my business.

Poor baby. I'm so glad she has you OP. Please be honest with SS.

What a pair of idiots. I really hope your DS has learnt his lesson and is now using protection.

Your doing the right thing OP. I am inclined to think this will be tough love situation.

You’re doing an incredible job

I’d get some head space to decide on your priorities and then make firm decisions according to those. Examples - S needs to move out, DD11’s needs come first, S & DS get one month (with SS support) to start parenting properly. Decide on how much you can help before it starts to infringe on your priorities and stick to those boundaries.

A serious scare from SS might be a very good thing.