DS and GF neglecting baby, AIBU to be so upset with it?

[WeepsForScares]

To be at the end of my tether with DS and GF?

DS is 18 and his girlfriend (will call S) 17. A year ago S ended up pregnant by DS at a party. It was the first time they'd met but after sleeping together they pursued a relationship until 8 weeks later when S discovered she was pregnant. S told him she reckoned it was her ex's and was getting rid and that she was dumping him as she had too much going on. Then a few weeks later S came back and said that the pre abortion scan showed that she wasn't far along enough for it to be her ex's making it my son's so she hadn't gone through with it as she liked my son.

I was concerned and told my DS to keep lines of communication open with her over baby but not to get back with her as he said she had a reputation among local teens to be a bit "mad". But he did get back with her almost immedietley. At 20 weeks PG she requested I come to scan with her and DS. I found it a bit strange but assumed that with her being so young and not having a mum (died years ago) that she wanted a motherly figure there. After scan we all went home to mine where the pair sat me down and asked if she could stay with us for a while as her dad wasn't taking the pregnancy well and she didn't want to stay there.

I agreed expecting it to be a couple of weeks at most. I assumed her father would attempt to build bridges and take her home which he never did. I didn't want to kick out a pregnant 16 year old so that was it, she was living with us. DGD was born beginning of March. Straight away S started struggling and I hate to say it but DS was useless. 1 week old and I'm at home with distressed S trying to calm a screaming baby at 3am and DS has snuck off to smoke weed with god knows who. It's been like this ever since and they keep splitting up and getting back together but she still stays under my roof. This past month S has started going out with friends again till all hours and as I'm not her mother I'm powerless to stop her. Meanwhile DS will be out no doubt buying and smoking weird and shagging random girls. And I'm at home changing their baby's nappies. Don't get me wrong I adore DGD but I really do despair.

It has all come to a head this Saturday evening. DS was at a party in town and S had gone out to see a mate in another city (she'd got the train out!) and I was at home with DGD. DGD had been ill all day with cold like symptoms and worsened at midnight when I noticed a rash. I was concerned about meningitis and couldn't get hold of either of them. I ended up driving her to hospital and only got a call from S at 3am. She got her friend's mum to drive her up to hospital. DS I didn't hear from until 8am as he'd been on a bender and I had to leave S with baby while I went to collect him. Thank god DGD didn't have meningits but a minor illness and was kept in until Monday morning.

After DGD was discharged I told the pair of them they need to sort themselves out or I'd be making a referal to social services. I got verbal abuse from the pair, I never intended to ring SS but wanted to give them a shock so they'd improve. Then a few hours later I got a call on the home phone from a social worker saying a nurse had a few concerns about how DGD's parents didn't turn up for hours when I took her in and how stressed I was. She's coming round Wednesday for a "chat" to discuess offering support and the pair think I arranged it and I'm getting screaming from the pair of them. And yet S still dumps DGD on me all the time because she can't give her the antibiotic medicine she was given from hospital.

I am at my wits end. I feel so so awful saying it but I wish they'd both fuck off and leave DGD with me. They treat each other like shit. They treat me like shit. They neglect their little girl. I don't know what to do. I love DS and I care about S but I am so sick of this. They act like it's their shared home and I'm just an interferring old cow who lives there. And I do all of the nuturing for DGD. I have an 11 year old DD who is being neglected as I have to look out for as and DS as well as almost constant baby care. She confided that she wants to start spending more time at her dad's as "S has made this house living hell"

What a nightmare situation. I really hope you get some resolution I can't offer any advice just wanted to say what an amazing person you are to be doing all this.

I think your first priority needs to be your own dd age 11
She has so much going on and you will loose her to your ex if she already enjoys going to him, Is that what you want.
You don't know 100% if the child is your sons so before you become over attached be 100%
The next time s is at your home or your ds go out and leave the child with them, They will never learn if you keep doing everything for them if you are 100% sure they love her then they are not going to leave her on her own just go next door or for a walk just to see how they manage without you.
Put your own dd first.

You're doing an amazing job under the circumstances- make sure you tell SS your concerns

I agree with the PP - your own daughter is suffering here. It sounds like a completely chaotic household due to your son and S.

First I'd get a DNA test done. At least you will know then that he is the father. Then I'd tell SS that I want all the help I can get. It's not going to work unless your son and his girlfriend leave your house. That would be a priority for me. They are totally dependent on you and feel free to just do whatever they want. That's bad for everyone.

I haven’t the read every post but I think I have read all OPs posts.
I think you need to kick DS and S out and as hard as it maybe, DGD too. Your DD is struggling with this and it’s unfair on her, she needs to be your priority right now.
You never know, forcing out DS and S might be the best thing you do for them all as they’ll need to sort their shit out and deal with DGD as you aren’t on call to help them. Hopefully SS will stick with them and do randomised checks. Maybe speak to them about them taking drugs as they may stipulate random drug testing them.

I think if DGD is to stay then this will need to be discussed with your DD. I don’t think having them all there though is helping any of you

Tough situation and the main losers here are your DGD and your youngest DD.

Your DGD is losing out on her parents, because your help is enabling them to devolve all responsibility onto you - this is incredibly tough because you have to make sure she's ok, of course you do, but they're taking massive advantage of knowing that you will do it and doing fuck all themselves.

Your DD is losing you as her parent - and she has another parent who has no other priority.

I hope SS can help with this situation but it's going to get very messy.
Ideally they both need to sort their fucking head outs and grow up - but while you're taking all the responsibility they have no incentive to do that.

Wow.

My first thought when I read this was that if you do the whole refusing to have her so that they need to thing ... she’ll become one of those babies we read about in the paper

Please don’t let that happen. Keep her safe. Keep her with you. Tell SS everything.

I really feel for your daughter but your granddaughter is your blood too. One day your daughter will have children of the exact same relation as current DD and how will she feel then knowing that as a child she was the reason you couldn’t look after her. Your son and GF are the problem, not that baby. Once they’re out of the picture things will really calm down and you can focus more on DD alongside DGD.

So what does OP do if a DNA test is done and it reveals DGD isn’t DS baby. Just wash her hands of this child she’s raised since birth?

OP how are they funding the going out etc?

Would it be manageable if you only had your own daughter and your granddaughter as a foster child, with the two parents having supervised access? Would your daughter be happier with just the baby and no feckless fannies causing drama and mess? Family are the preferred option for SS, particularly if they are trying to help the mother and/or father learn responsibility with the view to eventually regaining fulltime custody. In our area, kinship carers will receive foster allowance so there could be help there too.

Adoption would be well down the line in this case with no major abuse concerns, a responsible carer, and so on. A court would have to order adoption (after all other avenues are explored) or S would have to be persuaded to give her baby up which is unlikely - I live in one of the biggest local authorities in the country and we had one baby given up for adoption willingly last year as opposed to court order.

In any case, you MUST tell the SW everything in order to protect your granddaughter and hopefully get the chance for your son to be kicked out and take some responsibility, S given the chance and support to be a capable mother, your daughter to have attention and a drama-free home, and yourself less worry and stress.

I just wanted to say you’re amazing for dealing with all of this and caring for the baby. Your son and his girlfriend are incredibly selfish and they’re very lucky to have you. I think the social services would be a good start so they have support with their parenting, they won’t necessarily remove the baby for adoption while you’re helping. As the girlfriend is so young she will be eligible for help herself and they may help her gain accommodation. If it hasn’t been confirmed yet please consider a dna test on the baby. I’d hate for it to turn out the baby isn’t your sons after all this time you have cared for her and must be attached to her. Would you consider adopting the baby if it came to that point? Keep in hope everything will work out for the best

You say you can't tell her what to do yet she is living under your roof. You tell them both your rules are followed or get out. First you tell your son the drugs stop. That money goes on his daughter. If he smokes again kick him out. Then you tell them both no going out getting drunk unless they have confirmed this is OK with you and the other parent. They sort out who cares for the child between them. Contact social request parenting classes for them. Stop stepping in and allowing them to neglect their child. They need you to set boundaries.

I just want to say I think your doing an amazing thing and I hope the ss meeting will help you and show the kids/parents this is serious and they need to grow up and take responsibility.

I really think you should read woodpigeons account. My friend took over caring for her non-biological grandson (it's her husband's son's child)

They get no financial support because the bio Mum is too busy pocketing the money. She sees her son but it is all facilitated by my friend and her Dh ie if they didn't arrange it themselves and drive the child to a park or some other meeting place it wouldn't happen.

I know that even SS will say that the best place for a baby is with their biological parents, but having seen attachment disorder first hand through this poor child who has the most loving grandparents, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. The child is now in secondary school with massive behavioural issues.

My friend says they wished they had stepped in earlier and the child been placed for adoption.

The first 3 years of a child's life developmentally are the most important. And yes I have studied this. There are Thrive Programmes in primary schools to deal with SEMH (social, emotional and mental health) that children are displaying when their home lives aren't ideal.

Would you consider (if you can) putting her up for adoption? There are lots of families out there wanting to adopt, especially babies.

My friend's Mum fostered lots of children who went on to be adopted into loving homes.

I think its great that the OP has stepped up in place of the babies parents, however I'm not sure the ops parenting is the best either.

She's raised an 18 year old who does drugs regularly and sleeps around despite having already caused a 16 yo to become pregnant.

She has an 11 yo she admits she is neglecting.

Its not at all obvious to me the baby is best off with the OP.

Either way I would kick anyone taking drugs out of the house. That's not safe for the 11 yo or the baby.

They're both not ready to be parents. I think the girlfriend needs to go (& your son if you can bear that) and you need to be sole carer. In such cases social services are usually happy there's a capable relative prepared to do so, but i'd check your legal rights with CAB too, as having your weed smoking son still at home might be an issue re keeping/having you DGD with you.

OP just read your updates and agree with TrollFairy- who needs help most, who can offer it? I’d say your DD &DGD immediately but SS can take over with DGD & your DD needs you. It’s looking like she’s been badly affected by DGD & her parents comings & goings. Can you manage both- probably not who will help your DD if you are not effective? I think once DGD is safe (SS) you concentrate on DD. Tough choices & an awful situation which you are handling really well

I really hope tomorrow goes well for you OP and you get the answers and advice you need and want.

sorry I did write that wrong Smellbow thanks for pointing that out.

I did mean YANBU to feel upset by the situation.

Please be as honest as possible tomorrow. No holds barred. Good luck.

What’s puzzling me is who is funding the family? As someone else has said, where are the parents getting the money to go out partying and to buy weed? Do either of them work at all or go to college? Are you having to provide everything the baby needs OP? You seem to be doing all the childcare. Do any of them do anything to help out in the home such as cooking, cleaning and washing. If not you have effectively added two extra members to your household that you had not planned for. There is trying to do your best for your dgd and being totally exploited. You have so much on your plate and I sincerely hope ss can help you find a solution to all this.

kmammamalto Tue 04-Jun-19 09:51:03

I actually think your DS needs to go. I'm sorry if I'm wrong but from your timeline it seems he was out first, taking drugs and shagging around. He should have been gone then when he didn't take responsibility for his behaviour.
If you could get some SS and HV input with S, yourself and baby to get a routine in place and responsibilities sorted then DS can visit when he is sober and drug free and build from there. I'm worried, as you might well be, that if they all leave your house, baby will be placed somewhere else. It's often not as simple as leaving baby with gma because she says she will have her! They have assessments and rules and if you admit to drug use in and around your home they will deem it unsafe and remove the infant.
Sorry OP, you sound like a hero. Does your son work? Could he get some temp accomadation near by to ease the situation at home?
Like others have said, be completely honest with SS, they are actually there to help the more venerable person in this which is you DGD xx

THIS^^

Good luck today OP. Be brutally honest with SS, I hope you get a positive outcome.

Good luck today op

When SS come tell them absolutely everything. Don't sugar coat it. Don't try and make a 'good day' normal. Just open up. Tell the SW you want this to end. That this is not sustainable and that the parents are unfit.

This.

Such a hard situation for you. The best thing might be for you to look after baby - but would your 11yo dd be OK with this? - and for S and your DS to move out, find somewhere to live and sort themselves out. Sounds like they are causing all the stress. They both sound selfish, immature and chaotic. And the way your ds speaks to you? I''d make him move out just for that. Ungrateful shit.

They both sound awful. What did they think it would be like having a baby? FFS.

I hope SS can help and give advice. You are being amazing, and the baby is bloody lucky to have you.