DS and GF neglecting baby, AIBU to be so upset with it?

[WeepsForScares]

To be at the end of my tether with DS and GF?

DS is 18 and his girlfriend (will call S) 17. A year ago S ended up pregnant by DS at a party. It was the first time they'd met but after sleeping together they pursued a relationship until 8 weeks later when S discovered she was pregnant. S told him she reckoned it was her ex's and was getting rid and that she was dumping him as she had too much going on. Then a few weeks later S came back and said that the pre abortion scan showed that she wasn't far along enough for it to be her ex's making it my son's so she hadn't gone through with it as she liked my son.

I was concerned and told my DS to keep lines of communication open with her over baby but not to get back with her as he said she had a reputation among local teens to be a bit "mad". But he did get back with her almost immedietley. At 20 weeks PG she requested I come to scan with her and DS. I found it a bit strange but assumed that with her being so young and not having a mum (died years ago) that she wanted a motherly figure there. After scan we all went home to mine where the pair sat me down and asked if she could stay with us for a while as her dad wasn't taking the pregnancy well and she didn't want to stay there.

I agreed expecting it to be a couple of weeks at most. I assumed her father would attempt to build bridges and take her home which he never did. I didn't want to kick out a pregnant 16 year old so that was it, she was living with us. DGD was born beginning of March. Straight away S started struggling and I hate to say it but DS was useless. 1 week old and I'm at home with distressed S trying to calm a screaming baby at 3am and DS has snuck off to smoke weed with god knows who. It's been like this ever since and they keep splitting up and getting back together but she still stays under my roof. This past month S has started going out with friends again till all hours and as I'm not her mother I'm powerless to stop her. Meanwhile DS will be out no doubt buying and smoking weird and shagging random girls. And I'm at home changing their baby's nappies. Don't get me wrong I adore DGD but I really do despair.

It has all come to a head this Saturday evening. DS was at a party in town and S had gone out to see a mate in another city (she'd got the train out!) and I was at home with DGD. DGD had been ill all day with cold like symptoms and worsened at midnight when I noticed a rash. I was concerned about meningitis and couldn't get hold of either of them. I ended up driving her to hospital and only got a call from S at 3am. She got her friend's mum to drive her up to hospital. DS I didn't hear from until 8am as he'd been on a bender and I had to leave S with baby while I went to collect him. Thank god DGD didn't have meningits but a minor illness and was kept in until Monday morning.

After DGD was discharged I told the pair of them they need to sort themselves out or I'd be making a referal to social services. I got verbal abuse from the pair, I never intended to ring SS but wanted to give them a shock so they'd improve. Then a few hours later I got a call on the home phone from a social worker saying a nurse had a few concerns about how DGD's parents didn't turn up for hours when I took her in and how stressed I was. She's coming round Wednesday for a "chat" to discuess offering support and the pair think I arranged it and I'm getting screaming from the pair of them. And yet S still dumps DGD on me all the time because she can't give her the antibiotic medicine she was given from hospital.

I am at my wits end. I feel so so awful saying it but I wish they'd both fuck off and leave DGD with me. They treat each other like shit. They treat me like shit. They neglect their little girl. I don't know what to do. I love DS and I care about S but I am so sick of this. They act like it's their shared home and I'm just an interferring old cow who lives there. And I do all of the nuturing for DGD. I have an 11 year old DD who is being neglected as I have to look out for as and DS as well as almost constant baby care. She confided that she wants to start spending more time at her dad's as "S has made this house living hell"

Tell SS - that is what they are there for.

I think there is a very strong likelihood you will end up looking after her full time, if they cant be bothered now when she's small, very cute and doesn't cause trouble, they definitely won't when she is a toddler.

See what SS suggest.

Agree with so many others that your DD needs to be at the top of your priority list.

If it seems to you that taking more formal responsibility for DGD is the right route forward, for you, can I suggest you have a frank and private conversation with DD, in which you ask her whether such a plan would work, and what she would need in order to be happy with the baby staying. Really, you need to give her a real sense that she has a say in the decision, and that her needs are being prioritised. Whether this conversation is best had 1-1, or with SW present as a third party, is up to you.

Hope the meetings today start some useful ways forward.

Good luck OP, I really hope that SS help.

I hope to god that your DS and S are using contraception.

Your son sounds terrible! He needs to leave and live with his father. How does he fund his partying?

I'm surprised the midwives/HV didn't alert SS at birth. At 16, surely she would need intervention.

Your poor DD should not be living in this chaotic lifestyle. Kick your son out today. Give S the riot act about partying and her baby. Install some house rules and boundaries. Tell SS everything. You can't carry on like this and if you do, please send DD to live with her father.

I'm considered ancient I guess, I was unwanted but my Dad's family stepped up, there's seldom any pictures of my Mum doing anything.

I was wondering about maybe a bit of tough love with DS. I saw my Grandparent more like a Mum in the end, my Mum really wasn't interested. She was the same age and resents me for stealing her life

If you can get DS on board, take DD out & leave baby with Dad, might be the wake up call. Does he really want baby being adopted & away from all of you.

Nothing I can add that hasn't been said already but good luck today OP.

Could your 11 year old be hiding things related to the baby in an effort to make her older brother/his girlfriend step up and actually parent their child, OP?

But yes; I agree with others - your own daughter needs to be your priority... then the baby (and yes; a paternity test needs to be done - because will you still be willing to care for a baby who isn't related to you biologically? This is a question you really need to ask yourself, I'm afraid). Your son is an adult. S... is damaged, and needs support. And lots of it. Your son, on the other hand, may well have contributed to the damage to S. Either way, your home isn't necessarily ideal/healthy for either an impressionable pre-teen, or a small baby. Something needs to change... and I think you know this, deep down, without any of us telling you.

Be completely open with SS. But also be prepared for the possibility that they might decide to supervise your 11 year old's care, due to your admitted neglect of her - and the fact that she has been exposed to drug taking and arguing over potential infidelity from her older brother and his current baby-mama.

, though, because I know this won't be easy for you. Just be open, and absolutely honest with the SW. They really are there to help, not hinder.

Hope today's meeting went ok OP

I think you are doing a good thing. I hope things went well today.

I have no advice but just wanted to say that I think you're doing an amazing job and that your granddaughter is lucky to have you. I hope things get sorted in a way that resolves things for all of you but especially the young children in this.

I am a grandparent carer to two of my grandsons, one of whom is sixteen now. I have looked after them since birth. I had them initially on a residence order with gave me PR, supported by SS.

I went through with Special Guardianship assessment and it was approved by SS again, but the father of one of the children bitterly opposed it and I did not want to hold the children on different orders.

You need to think long and hard before you take on this role. First and foremost you need to find out whether this poor child is indeed your biological grandchild.

More than difficulties with the children themselves, and it has not always been easy, was the fact that the father of the eldest, who was a violent abusive criminal, took us back to court again and again demanding various degrees of contact. It was a nightmare. You need to be prepared for court hearings in any event, hopefully not contested as ours were.

One thing I learned was that you absolutely must not put your own child further down the list of priorities. It will change her life as well and my own dd was the same age as yours when I took the boys on.

I hope today went well for you and has managed to clarify matters. If you want to PM me, please feel free to do so.

Just another message of support and to tell you how beautiful a job you are doing.

They probably won't appreciate any of it for years to come (if ever) but you're the glue that is holding it all together.

I hope SS are able to help and support everyone involved in the situation.

Surely S and DGD going to a mother and baby unit would be best to give S the support to bond and learn how to be a Mum??? Please don't let your desire to look after DGD override your DDs needs.

The baby and the GF are not your responsibility. Your son is an adult. Your priority should be your daughter. You need to speak to SS, tell them this, and let them decide how best to deal with it, without involving you.

If you don’t nip it in the bud you’ll be saddled with the baby. I know you love her but do you really want to start from scratch being responsible for a baby again when your own kids are much older?

Tough love. Give them two options, they move out and sort themselves out and parent their child- or you will be getting social services to watch them like hawks.

Or they move out and leave the baby in your care, and party all they want.

Either way they have zero respect for you in your own home, they need to leave!

Hope SS sort the pair of them out, i would hate for them to be involved in your DD care because of the shit your son and his gf put you all in.

How did it go today with the SW? Hoping you can find a workable way forward

thinking of you OP, I hope you are ok x

Hope you’re okay, OP

Wishing you all the best OP

You've been on my mind, @WeepsForScares ! I hope things have improved?

What a shitty situation. Can you update us please OP? I hope things are improving for you all.

I suggest you try and encourage SS to help them figure themselves out before she ends up pregnant again OP, and you end up with two babies to look after. An acquaintance of mine was a lot like your dad and S, she had two children and ended up giving them up for adoption so that she could live a 'party' lifestyle. Then a couple of years later met a new man and they now have now settled down and have a DD together who they have kept with active help and support from SS. I hope this has a positive outcome for you, please update us.