DS and GF neglecting baby, AIBU to be so upset with it?

[WeepsForScares]

To be at the end of my tether with DS and GF?

DS is 18 and his girlfriend (will call S) 17. A year ago S ended up pregnant by DS at a party. It was the first time they'd met but after sleeping together they pursued a relationship until 8 weeks later when S discovered she was pregnant. S told him she reckoned it was her ex's and was getting rid and that she was dumping him as she had too much going on. Then a few weeks later S came back and said that the pre abortion scan showed that she wasn't far along enough for it to be her ex's making it my son's so she hadn't gone through with it as she liked my son.

I was concerned and told my DS to keep lines of communication open with her over baby but not to get back with her as he said she had a reputation among local teens to be a bit "mad". But he did get back with her almost immedietley. At 20 weeks PG she requested I come to scan with her and DS. I found it a bit strange but assumed that with her being so young and not having a mum (died years ago) that she wanted a motherly figure there. After scan we all went home to mine where the pair sat me down and asked if she could stay with us for a while as her dad wasn't taking the pregnancy well and she didn't want to stay there.

I agreed expecting it to be a couple of weeks at most. I assumed her father would attempt to build bridges and take her home which he never did. I didn't want to kick out a pregnant 16 year old so that was it, she was living with us. DGD was born beginning of March. Straight away S started struggling and I hate to say it but DS was useless. 1 week old and I'm at home with distressed S trying to calm a screaming baby at 3am and DS has snuck off to smoke weed with god knows who. It's been like this ever since and they keep splitting up and getting back together but she still stays under my roof. This past month S has started going out with friends again till all hours and as I'm not her mother I'm powerless to stop her. Meanwhile DS will be out no doubt buying and smoking weird and shagging random girls. And I'm at home changing their baby's nappies. Don't get me wrong I adore DGD but I really do despair.

It has all come to a head this Saturday evening. DS was at a party in town and S had gone out to see a mate in another city (she'd got the train out!) and I was at home with DGD. DGD had been ill all day with cold like symptoms and worsened at midnight when I noticed a rash. I was concerned about meningitis and couldn't get hold of either of them. I ended up driving her to hospital and only got a call from S at 3am. She got her friend's mum to drive her up to hospital. DS I didn't hear from until 8am as he'd been on a bender and I had to leave S with baby while I went to collect him. Thank god DGD didn't have meningits but a minor illness and was kept in until Monday morning.

After DGD was discharged I told the pair of them they need to sort themselves out or I'd be making a referal to social services. I got verbal abuse from the pair, I never intended to ring SS but wanted to give them a shock so they'd improve. Then a few hours later I got a call on the home phone from a social worker saying a nurse had a few concerns about how DGD's parents didn't turn up for hours when I took her in and how stressed I was. She's coming round Wednesday for a "chat" to discuess offering support and the pair think I arranged it and I'm getting screaming from the pair of them. And yet S still dumps DGD on me all the time because she can't give her the antibiotic medicine she was given from hospital.

I am at my wits end. I feel so so awful saying it but I wish they'd both fuck off and leave DGD with me. They treat each other like shit. They treat me like shit. They neglect their little girl. I don't know what to do. I love DS and I care about S but I am so sick of this. They act like it's their shared home and I'm just an interferring old cow who lives there. And I do all of the nuturing for DGD. I have an 11 year old DD who is being neglected as I have to look out for as and DS as well as almost constant baby care. She confided that she wants to start spending more time at her dad's as "S has made this house living hell"

Tell the social worker everything, this is your one chance to change things. They are unwilling/unable to prioritise their baby's needs over their own and this baby (and you)/your daughter) deserve more.

@LilQueenie that clearly wasn't hearsay. It was her reputation catching up with her. She does appear to be mad.

This is so, so sad. You sound absolutely lovely, and I think being open and honest with SS is the only way forward.

Can you adopt dgd? Is that possible?
I don't think a dna test would add much at this stage. I worry about the impact on your Dgd if the parents took over.
Has her dad seen his grandchild? Does he have any involvement?

Sorry x post with lots of people answering my question

I’m very sorry for what ya happening to you. The visit from social services may be what helps at the end. If they are so careless at this time, it is unlikely they will care more in the future.

Your son is an adult and S is about to become one. Maybe the way to help them pull themselves together and bring some stability to DGD and DD is to kick them out.

I too would tell SS everything. You need their help and advice, for starters, since your DS and his on/off GF are such utterly useless parents, but no one is going to allow you to parent your DGD without SS help to do that. FGS don't be tempted to sugar coat this situation and lie to SS to protect this feckless pair. Yes, they're young and S has no parent of her own who gives a shit, but the important person in all this is the helpless baby who didn't ask to be born to such an immature, selfish pair as your DS and S. Whatever you do, put her first and let the parents shift for themselves, since they seem to think they're so grown up.

StealthPolarBear He came to hospital when DGD was born and possibility S and baby coming home was never brought up. Since then he pops over every 2 weeks or so to see them and then pisses off when S gets funny with him.

Social services involvement at this stage is probably no bad thing.

S is effectively in an informal mother and baby placement and is failing miserably; if she did the same in a formal placement I think she would have lost custody by now.

Hopefully SS will be able to offer some support and / or help you to gain some legal rights over the baby.

He makes it quite clear that he's still very angry over S having baby and I understand why she won't go back. I don't know if he'd even have her.

Lilqueenie are you reading the same thread everyone else is?

I can't blame him. He probably knew what would happen.

This website and helpline may be useful to you OP
www.frg.org.uk/

Oh God, what a situation.
As hard as it is you need to focus on what is right for both children.

In your situation I'd also be very concerned about the effects on the 11year old who is already describing home life as a living hell. What happens if she tells SW that? Could DD harm the baby? You would lose both of them then.

I dont understand people who say "baby will be better with you than in foster care",
Foster carers are experienced, vetted and monitored. I am certain the baby wouldn't be around stoners in a foster placement. They are not at something to be feared.

Maybe try to write down your concerns and what you want to talk abiut so you dont forget anything. All the best op xx

I agree, you have to be honest about the situation. As far as you know is she on contraception?

Serin My 11 year old has me worried sick. I mentioned earlier she hides baby's things like her coat and dummy etc. I then find items in her room. I know it is a cry for attention. Am trying to get her to CAMHS but waiting list is diabolical. I know for a fact she wouldn't harm baby, she wouldn't, but she resents her greatly. I am hoping if she mentions it when SW speaks to her (SW said she'd speak to every one of us) then SW will offers ways of supporting her.

@LilQueenie what is the OP doing if she's not helping?! She's bringing the baby up, she's doing everything to help them out.

For gods sake, the baby needed to go to hospital and her parents couldn't even be bothered to show up.

Aside from all of this, OP has her own young child who should be her focus - the ex-gf is NOT her issue.

You really need let the Social services know everything and perhaps it would be best for everyone if the wee one if she was adopted out of the family, that way she would have a fresh start , with parents who really want her.
You clearly love dgd very much, but your own young child needs you too, and it sounds like there is resentment there, no one should blame your daughter for that, her brother and his girlfriend have caused huge upheaval in her young life.

I'm so sorry. You're in such a difficult position, they need to be given freedom to stand on their own two feet and make mistakes, but their daughter shouldn't suffer while they learn that they actually need to meet her needs.
For you to take over her care is amazing and I'm so sorry that your son let you down like this. You must have been disappointed and I hope they can both pull their fingers out.

I think you’re going to end up with a decision about whether to take care of your grandson full time at some point.
Make sure you tell the social worker the truth; if you don’t then things will come out and some point and they would then consider that you’re not “protective” because you didn’t tell the truth

Bear in mind S could end up pregnant again, or your DS might get another girl pregnant and are you going to pick up the pieces for them again? The road to hell is paved with good intentions, I’ve seen it in a situation very similar in my dh’s family and it has caused chaos over years and more than one generation has been affected.

I would also be very honest - about the effect on your other daughter too as that is what makes this unsustainable. Something needs to change.

FWIW: you are awesome. You have a DD who needs you. She is not an adult (or near adult) with any control over her situation like your son and his partner. She needs to come first.

Oh dear, OP, you poor thing, what a dreadful worry.

Like others, I’m glad SS are involved. I’m an adoptive parent, so have some idea of how these things can go, but not a professional.

I think some options are:

• baby stays with you, without DS and S, and you get a Special Guardianship Order, which would give you legal rights over DGS and possibly some financial support. DS and S would have contact, arranged through SS. This would put what you’re doing now on a ‘proper’ footing. I think this would only work if DS and S left, because they’re so disruptive. SS are likely to think the same. More info here

www.familylives.org.uk/advice/your-family/fostering-adoption-kinshipcare/special-guardianship-orders/

• baby leaves you, along with S, and SS support S. The best case scenario here is that she gets into a mother and baby unit, or some sort of supported foster placement, that helps her to turn things completely around and support her to actually be a mum. This’ll depend on SS attitude and resources locally.

• baby gets taken into care, if you said you didn’t want to have him and SS deemed S and DS not fit (and for whatever reason they didn’t want to support S residentially).

• baby is adopted. It doesn’t sound like you would want this?

• baby goes to another relative. Is there anyone on S’s side? SS usually do a trawl to see who’s around.

What do you think of these options?

I think it’s worth you having a clear idea of what you want before you see SS.

A couple of other random observations.

You will be SS’s default option because you’re already taking care of the baby. This may mean you’re put under a bit of pressure but also means you’re in a position of negotiating strength.

And to be honest, SS won’t be that interested in your DS when they’re thinking of the long term. Dads come and go, sadly, and they’ll be more focused on S’s capacity to parent.